I Need advice...

[Ollie28]

Hi,

Im beginning to lose hope now with whats up with me, i was told it was anxiety,
then depression, depersonalisation, quite frankly i just feel crazy!

3 months no since i had something happen to me that i still cant explain, i thought it was a panic attack but ive read up and up on them and cant come across what happend to me, il try to explain the best i can, it wasnt a panic attack in terms of a pounding hart, struggling catching my breath, pins and needles ect it was just out if the blue stood in the kitchen then with no warning or feelings of something happening i just started a worry panic kind of like if is you was aware your in big danger but with no physical sensations, once these sensations had finished i was left feeling like my soul had be taken, i had no awareness and no sort term memory or concentration.

Ive been like this now for 3 months and was told its anxiety - ive always thought my anxiety has come from worrying whats up with me!

Some days i can hardly function and im left feeling like im going insane! Some times i get so worked up and worried that my mind feels twisted and i have to sit and hold my head in my hands,

I still feel soulless! I dont feel me or i dont have any feelings or natural awarness!

Today i got up as usual feeling like crap, took my kids school trying to think forward the best i can then i drove up to see my employer a good 45 minute drive, i had to take a diazepam because i find they help me concentrate.

I find i cant concentrate much if i try to my head starts to hurt and i have to stop and take a minute, i got to my works and done my best to act normal and had a conversation with my boss and colleagues i struggled and after a hour decided to leave because my mind felt so tense and fatigued i couldnt cope.

The crazy part is - i got in my car and had a minute to cal. My mind then started to drive home - what happened next is something that has happend to me 3 times before ..... It was like a button was pressed and all my "old" self returned like my soul was put back in to my body! My head felt normal, my awareness and concentration was strong and forward relaxed thinking and i felt 100% me!

It lasted for about 30 minutes then i went back to feeling all soulless and crazy again like someone had shut me down, since i got home my mind feels all scrambled and crazy, im worrying this is something more than anxiety!
I feel like i cant forward think or feel like use to,

Whats happening to me?? Can anyone relate? Can a panic attack also be how i experienced it no physical symptoms just feel like your mind is getting screwed up and your left to try deal with it??

In honestly close to booking myself in to my nearest mental hospital!

Im worried why i feel how i feel and why i dont just feel my normal soulful self with my normal self feeling but have anxious thoughts! I feel scarily crazy 24/7!

Thanks for your help!

[Annie0904]

It doesn't sound like a panic attack but it does sound like intense anxiety. Are you on any medication for anxiety or any therapy?

[Worried 24/7]

I know what you mean. Waking around in a fog like you're a passenger in your own body. Then periodically you snap back to reality for a short time and it's like the whole world becomes super clear. Then you pop back to anxiety land....

[Mr.Jitters]

I get something very close to what you've described here when my anxiety is getting on top of me. I've now come to interpret it as a warning that I need to change things before I begin experiencing full-blown panic attacks again. I didn't act on it because of exams two months ago, and suffered a relapse into panic and anxiety as a result. Now coming out the other end with CBT and lots and lots of rest.

Aside from face-to-face CBT, I find the online CBT course in the sticky (especially the audio files) and the audio files from Claire Weekes to be massively helpful in pulling me through any episodes of anxiety or depression.

You're not alone, you're not going to end up in a mental hospital, and you can and will get through anything challenging you at the moment if you give yourself the right tools for the job :)

[Ollie28]

I know what you mean. Waking around in a fog like you're a passenger in your own body. Then periodically you snap back to reality for a short time and it's like the whole world becomes super clear. Then you pop back to anxiety land....

Exactly just like that, trying my best to have a normal day, trying my best not to think about "it" trying my best to remember and be aware of whats happing around me, i beginning to think its something to do with being obsessed with whats up with me so constant internal attention on why, what how, i dont know!! Im just looking for answers now to why i still cant feel normal! Even normal with anxious feelings would be better not a complete alien with no soul or natural instincts!! i just act lack a empty, soulless emotionalise, no personality person when deep down im the opposite.

The intense crazy feelings come out of no where, and it is a feeling thats making then start to think - its like someone grabbed my brain and nervous system tangled and twisted it all up and the put it back and said deal with it, it comes with no sensations or warnings. I had another one if them panic things monday, come out of no where really, just like a intense fear feeling i couldnt control but no fast beating heart, no hyperventilating ect just me gripping hold of the kitchen side in fear and worry with no control until it calmed.

Medication wise ive been taking pragablin for about 3 week now, side effects i had were just feeling numb for a few days interns of my hole body felt numb,thats since gone. Only 75mg at the mo. I picked up some cetripam (i think the called) today but worried to take them, im already struggling i cant be doing with more intense crazy thoughts.

I often get these over welding adrenaline rushes (i think they are) where basically its like an adrenaline rush but 1000 times worse my mind kind of goes all tense and i just try sit it out and try not to pay attention to it. Its hard to cope some times. Its starts off with butterfly's in the stomach then its like a waterfall of it and it pollutes my hole body and mind. Its hard to explain. Ive had it one time when ive been driving and had to just cope then best i could without screaming because thats what it makes you want to do.

My heads constantly tense too - my vision is scatterd too i find myself blinking a lot resetting my vision & focus. Some days its crystal some days its terrible some days its just one eye! Honest to god, im having a MRI scan in 2 weeks.

One thing i do notice i become much more relaxed and better of a evening.
More relaxed and in control of thoughts ect,

---------- Post added at 19:26 ---------- Previous post was at 19:15 ----------

....to try to explain this state a little example is - if i got a text message i would have to re read and re read it until it sunk in, then if some asked me 2 mins later what it said i would really really have to think hard rather than having that natural awareness and memory of what i had just learnt. Kind of like my mind wont take it in.

I found it strange before how i was over whelmed with all the taking and stuff i lefty works because i felt my brain couldnt take no more - within 10 minutes my body come out of the state ive been in for the last 3 months like i had woken from a coma!

Like the other times its happend i was looking around like where the hell have i been!!
Then it went - the crazy thing is i can feel it going like a toy running low on batteries then its gone and im back to feeling - tensed up, no awareness, twisted thoughts every couple of days, feeling tired, feeling like my life is on fast forward because the days are flying by! Its disturbing and upsetting as i have 2 children i cant enjoy time with!

I feel like im being stolen of my life

[Worried 24/7]

I get that to sometimes where I read something over again because it's like I didn't even read it the first time. I think it's because your mind is so full of anxious thoughts that you're not processing what you're looking at

[Ollie28]

I cant seem to break it, ive had a day today of getting up playing with the children, doing house work still feeling like i do in this horrible state! Ive just basically broke down out of frustration and feeling so so non functional,

Yesterday i was due to go my CBT to start it - but before it i broke down because i felt like im going insane my head and brain feels so numb and i feel honest disabled like my brain is locked up not allowing me to function right,
I attendee my CBT but said to the lady im really sorry but i dont think its a good idea to carry on - i dont feel normal and i wont remember or have any awareness of whats happening or what your telling me - i swear i was struggling to hold the pen and read the question sheets she gave to me, she started asking me questions and i struggled to find the words or recall quickly the memories like it took a extra effort to remember - i broke down in tears and said im like this most of the time like my brain is in a coma and i cant function or think normally like i use to with natural relaxed awareness.
She decided to call it a day shes going to try seek me some other help although i have to keep a diary of this week and return next tuesday.

This is whats really really frustrating me - i returned home and sat on the couch, within 5 minutes it felt like my brain switched on! I stood up looked around the room and was asking myself "did i really just cry in front a unknown woman?" I felt amazing i felt aware i god damn felt normal! It was like i had woken from a coma again! I was yawning massive yawns 5 - 8 seconds long for 20 minutes, my head felt free of strain and tension and i was 100% aware - please to god help me!! has anyone else experienced this?? Over 3 months now its breaking me to the point where i am feeling suicidal its breaking me now and i can no longer cope feeling like i do!! Snapping in and out of it according to my crisis nurse is not a known symptom of anxiety and depression, i can see my wife is now getting fed up of me being a empty, no personality, i dont even find the strength to talk when like this i feel like im being crushed by a stone building stopping me from getting up and being me.
Could this be OCD related, could it be agraphobia? Could it be bipolar? All i know is im losing my will to live - i cant be a husband or farther in this state i cant even be me.