Relationship Intrusive Thoughts

[Fi89]

I have Bipolar and mild OCD. I am desperate.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years.

Recently, I had been thinking happily about getting married one day and imagining us with children. It was bliss. I felt so happy. Our relationship was better than ever.

We went to visit my Grandfather who was unwell on his birthday. I wanted him to come for support; I felt bad for ruining his birthday, but it was so nice to have him there. I remember thinking how lucky I was.

That night, I rolled over from him to go to sleep and a thought hit me. "If you aren't hugging him, you don't love him". Suddenly I was sweating, shaking (literally vibrating and my teeth chattering), heart racing. I felt sick. Eventually I guess I got tired and fell asleep.

The next morning, I had forgotten it. Until it suddenly crept into my head again. I tried to dismiss it and it consumed me. I started crying. The intense fear and anxiety rose in me.

That was 5 weeks ago and every day since then, I have been up and down with these intense thoughts. I go through periods of being OK, but then it gets me again.

Being in his arms calms me, but I'm getting so afraid. I am over analysing everything. We have a new house and have been renovating it for a year. I was so excited about moving there and making our own life, but now it just racks me with guilt. I feel like I'm lying to him and the fear of it being true is disgusting to me. I can't imagine it. The fear of everything I would lose.

The strange thing is, thinking about getting married and having children still calms me. I dreamt last night that he proposed and I was so happy. But then the terrible anxiety comes back. It's like I calm down and then the thought comes back "you are supposed to be anxious" and it completely takes over.

I have noticed that work stress over the last month is a huge contributor. I took the day off today as I'm totally knackered. It is so tiring fighting it.

When it first happened on the Saturday night, I knew I had an appointment with my co-ordinator on Tuesday, so I hung on. She called and had to cancel and then was signed off work for weeks ill. She was brilliant and helped me unpack everything. I've now been assigned a new care-co and she just listens to me sob and cry and then says "you need to challenge these thoughts" and gives me a sheet to go home with. I had one appointment with my Psychiatrist who said it was like worrying that the sun won't come out again and that I was having obsessive thoughts. That was essentially it. I've been referred by him to Psychology but my appointment isn't until August. I can't even see that far. It just looks black. I need help now, but when I said that on the phone to my care-co, she just said there's nothing she can do. If you aren't suicidal, they don't seem to care.

I have told my partner about it once - he was really supportive. He said "Do you think on some level it is true?" and that made me feel physically sick. Even thinking about it being true is horrendous. And I can't talk to him about it again - if I keep saying it it will crush him. I had the same situation about 4 years ago - our relationship was going through this fantastic period and suddenly, this thought hit me that I didn't love him. I also had a brief period of "what if I am gay?" but that did pass a bit faster. I worry in every day life about tiny things I've said and done - sometimes they keep me up at night. I obsess over whether people still like me or are talking about me. With my relationship, the last time this happened I didn't eat for a week and was ill for several months. It seems that it hits my relationship the worst as it is one of the best things in my life. Everything revolves around it - perhaps this is why the anxiety is so bad. I fear my life being gone.

The thought came into my head the other day, that if the thoughts were true, I wouldn't want to live.

I have started to feel very numb. I am questioning and obsessing over everything; kisses, cuddles, looks, old feelings, history, how we got together.

I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is falling apart. I cannot see a way out of this and I can't believe the contrast with my life 6 weeks ago.

Sorry this is so long. I'm so desperate.

[OCD-Greyback]

Factually stating Miss I am not one for stating advice. I simply state the facts.

For myself, the rOCD and such thoughts concern my best friend. She has been and is my entire existence, and yet I lack the same factual push when concerns stating the facts.

A few days factually previous, I went into a factually calm moment of my OCD however, when contacted by herself, I lacked the emotional response I per the usual feel and convey which saddened myself.

However I have my factual moments which state the fact of how much I do indeed love herself and that is a fact I retain as factually frequent as possible.

Factual OCD is known to target the facts of which are highest of importance to ourselves. For myself, it revolves factually around my best friend whom is more important than I can currently state in any factual words and such, and other such facts such as HOCD, occasional POCD and other such facts unpleasantly.

And yet I am factually progressing through a moment where such facts do not factually affect myself. If facts are accurate, I am progressing through an apathetic state of depression which initiated from a Backdoor Spike and such.

My factual thoughts continually state the blame against my best friend and factually her being in my existence, however she has stated I do not think such factual thoughts, nor do I blame herself and such. While I lack the majority of factual anxiety, even typing stated facts I can comprehend anxiety at present.

My lack of affect at stated thoughts, my acceptance and factual momentary agreements with some which occur, when I am aware at a factual later time that I do not believe such and such factual thoughts are not correct, or my rationalising of stated thoughts to state how they are not factually my best friends fault as they are not, is also a factual issue on occasion and such.

Your statement was not factually long and such Miss. As a DPG and lady you have the factual right to state the facts regardless of length and such. Your rOCD is indeed the fact behind all such occurrences and as such, you are not factually to fault.

It can indeed be 'felt' that life is factually falling apart, however I have no factual doubt that you yourself shall factually succeed and this relationship will continue and such facts.

If I can be of factual assistance with facts of conversation, or simply a factual listener as per the usual, I am glad to be of assistance and such Miss.

Apologies for factually being unhelpful or factually not useful, and best of factual wishes to yourself and such facts Miss.

[Oosh]

I've not suffered from severe OCD/intrusive thoughts but I have experienced it. I've realised it more since coming to this particular forum and reading stories like yours.

These thoughts are only suggestions. You have a suggestion and feel the emotional reaction. Horrible suggestion = gut wrenching reaction.
But it does follow that a suggestion by yourself will be followed by a suitable feeling.

What I do when one of these lovely disturbing suggestions/images/movies pops into my consciousness is I create a positive suggestion/movie/image in my consciousness to achieve some positive feelings about the person.

You have your negative suggestion about your partner followed by that awful gut wrenching reaction.
I suggest to you that you love your partner so much you'd give your life for him in an instant. If he was powerless and something was going to hurt him you'd protect him and give everything you had to stop whatever it was that was trying to hurt him.

If he was put in a line up of hunky blokes and fit celebrities and billionaires and you could choose anyone of them and your partner stood, insecure in that line up worrying "gulp, I know she's been with me but she's not going to choose me amongst this lot. Look at them all. This is awful. I want the ground to swallow me up." You'd pick him wouldn't you. And you'd want to give him a big hug and reassure him and look after him. And imagine how he'd feel when you picked him out of that lot !

How do you feel ?

Those scenes produce different feelings about your partner don't they ?

They also suggest to you that you DO love him in a very big way.

Doing this works for me whenever I have a disturbing thought about people I care about.

Fight back and change your mood with your OWN suggestions/images/movies.

I know the power of the negative suggestion tends to have so much more of an impact but you CAN fight back like this to replace it with good emotions.