Fi89
22-05-14, 17:47
I have Bipolar and mild OCD. I am desperate.
I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years.
Recently, I had been thinking happily about getting married one day and imagining us with children. It was bliss. I felt so happy. Our relationship was better than ever.
We went to visit my Grandfather who was unwell on his birthday. I wanted him to come for support; I felt bad for ruining his birthday, but it was so nice to have him there. I remember thinking how lucky I was.
That night, I rolled over from him to go to sleep and a thought hit me. "If you aren't hugging him, you don't love him". Suddenly I was sweating, shaking (literally vibrating and my teeth chattering), heart racing. I felt sick. Eventually I guess I got tired and fell asleep.
The next morning, I had forgotten it. Until it suddenly crept into my head again. I tried to dismiss it and it consumed me. I started crying. The intense fear and anxiety rose in me.
That was 5 weeks ago and every day since then, I have been up and down with these intense thoughts. I go through periods of being OK, but then it gets me again.
Being in his arms calms me, but I'm getting so afraid. I am over analysing everything. We have a new house and have been renovating it for a year. I was so excited about moving there and making our own life, but now it just racks me with guilt. I feel like I'm lying to him and the fear of it being true is disgusting to me. I can't imagine it. The fear of everything I would lose.
The strange thing is, thinking about getting married and having children still calms me. I dreamt last night that he proposed and I was so happy. But then the terrible anxiety comes back. It's like I calm down and then the thought comes back "you are supposed to be anxious" and it completely takes over.
I have noticed that work stress over the last month is a huge contributor. I took the day off today as I'm totally knackered. It is so tiring fighting it.
When it first happened on the Saturday night, I knew I had an appointment with my co-ordinator on Tuesday, so I hung on. She called and had to cancel and then was signed off work for weeks ill. She was brilliant and helped me unpack everything. I've now been assigned a new care-co and she just listens to me sob and cry and then says "you need to challenge these thoughts" and gives me a sheet to go home with. I had one appointment with my Psychiatrist who said it was like worrying that the sun won't come out again and that I was having obsessive thoughts. That was essentially it. I've been referred by him to Psychology but my appointment isn't until August. I can't even see that far. It just looks black. I need help now, but when I said that on the phone to my care-co, she just said there's nothing she can do. If you aren't suicidal, they don't seem to care.
I have told my partner about it once - he was really supportive. He said "Do you think on some level it is true?" and that made me feel physically sick. Even thinking about it being true is horrendous. And I can't talk to him about it again - if I keep saying it it will crush him. I had the same situation about 4 years ago - our relationship was going through this fantastic period and suddenly, this thought hit me that I didn't love him. I also had a brief period of "what if I am gay?" but that did pass a bit faster. I worry in every day life about tiny things I've said and done - sometimes they keep me up at night. I obsess over whether people still like me or are talking about me. With my relationship, the last time this happened I didn't eat for a week and was ill for several months. It seems that it hits my relationship the worst as it is one of the best things in my life. Everything revolves around it - perhaps this is why the anxiety is so bad. I fear my life being gone.
The thought came into my head the other day, that if the thoughts were true, I wouldn't want to live.
I have started to feel very numb. I am questioning and obsessing over everything; kisses, cuddles, looks, old feelings, history, how we got together.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is falling apart. I cannot see a way out of this and I can't believe the contrast with my life 6 weeks ago.
Sorry this is so long. I'm so desperate.
I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years.
Recently, I had been thinking happily about getting married one day and imagining us with children. It was bliss. I felt so happy. Our relationship was better than ever.
We went to visit my Grandfather who was unwell on his birthday. I wanted him to come for support; I felt bad for ruining his birthday, but it was so nice to have him there. I remember thinking how lucky I was.
That night, I rolled over from him to go to sleep and a thought hit me. "If you aren't hugging him, you don't love him". Suddenly I was sweating, shaking (literally vibrating and my teeth chattering), heart racing. I felt sick. Eventually I guess I got tired and fell asleep.
The next morning, I had forgotten it. Until it suddenly crept into my head again. I tried to dismiss it and it consumed me. I started crying. The intense fear and anxiety rose in me.
That was 5 weeks ago and every day since then, I have been up and down with these intense thoughts. I go through periods of being OK, but then it gets me again.
Being in his arms calms me, but I'm getting so afraid. I am over analysing everything. We have a new house and have been renovating it for a year. I was so excited about moving there and making our own life, but now it just racks me with guilt. I feel like I'm lying to him and the fear of it being true is disgusting to me. I can't imagine it. The fear of everything I would lose.
The strange thing is, thinking about getting married and having children still calms me. I dreamt last night that he proposed and I was so happy. But then the terrible anxiety comes back. It's like I calm down and then the thought comes back "you are supposed to be anxious" and it completely takes over.
I have noticed that work stress over the last month is a huge contributor. I took the day off today as I'm totally knackered. It is so tiring fighting it.
When it first happened on the Saturday night, I knew I had an appointment with my co-ordinator on Tuesday, so I hung on. She called and had to cancel and then was signed off work for weeks ill. She was brilliant and helped me unpack everything. I've now been assigned a new care-co and she just listens to me sob and cry and then says "you need to challenge these thoughts" and gives me a sheet to go home with. I had one appointment with my Psychiatrist who said it was like worrying that the sun won't come out again and that I was having obsessive thoughts. That was essentially it. I've been referred by him to Psychology but my appointment isn't until August. I can't even see that far. It just looks black. I need help now, but when I said that on the phone to my care-co, she just said there's nothing she can do. If you aren't suicidal, they don't seem to care.
I have told my partner about it once - he was really supportive. He said "Do you think on some level it is true?" and that made me feel physically sick. Even thinking about it being true is horrendous. And I can't talk to him about it again - if I keep saying it it will crush him. I had the same situation about 4 years ago - our relationship was going through this fantastic period and suddenly, this thought hit me that I didn't love him. I also had a brief period of "what if I am gay?" but that did pass a bit faster. I worry in every day life about tiny things I've said and done - sometimes they keep me up at night. I obsess over whether people still like me or are talking about me. With my relationship, the last time this happened I didn't eat for a week and was ill for several months. It seems that it hits my relationship the worst as it is one of the best things in my life. Everything revolves around it - perhaps this is why the anxiety is so bad. I fear my life being gone.
The thought came into my head the other day, that if the thoughts were true, I wouldn't want to live.
I have started to feel very numb. I am questioning and obsessing over everything; kisses, cuddles, looks, old feelings, history, how we got together.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is falling apart. I cannot see a way out of this and I can't believe the contrast with my life 6 weeks ago.
Sorry this is so long. I'm so desperate.