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View Full Version : I'd like my life back.. even for a day



DragonFlyX
23-05-14, 07:38
Hi

I'm new to this forum . I've joined many sites before and never have the courage to post so here goes...
I have agorophobia :)

The only place I feel safe is in my own house and alone. I see a CBT therapist once a week and she kindly comes to health centre that is opposite my house! I can see it from my window (if I open the curtains ) and even this takes me days of working upto. She has helped me with my anxiety attacks I used to have indoors . I went for over a year of not answering my phone so even my mother had to email me or text me to ask me to plug it in and answer.I now answer my phone everyday and don't get panic attacks when it rings anymore. But I still just can't go out.. it's SO hard. The only other place I goto is my parents about once a month . This causes me massive anxiety in the days leading upto it and the day I go home. My Dad picks me up and I have to know in advance exactly what time etc. I suffer from severe facial sweating if I leave the house AND when I'm in anyones company even my own family :(.I don't think people have any idea how debilitating this phobia is. It's so tiring.. mind constantly over thinking.. thoughts jumbled up.

Anyway I'm going to post this anyway even if it doesnt make sense lol I'm sitting here now shallow breathing and feeling very anxious. Hopefully This forum will help me to talk

thanks to anyone who reads this .. phew :)

StrayWookie
24-05-14, 13:10
Hey Firstly congrats on posting that! I know how hard it can be to open up about ourselves. And secondly you are so not alone. I have been as bad as you are now, and I am able to go outside the house now, and even on outings with someone I really trust, which is hard to do. Good stuff with the therapy, keep the fight!

Catherine S
24-05-14, 14:21
Hi there, its nice to meet you. Although I don't suffer with this myself, I can remember my son some years ago when in his 20's feeling the same way as you. He had to give up work and became almost housebound, but only ventured out if I picked him up in the car. I would take him everywhere he needed to go which wasn't really helping him I guess. If he needed to see his doctor he would wait in the car while I waited for his name to be called, and even then he had to be either first in or last in so as not to meet too many people.

Sounds a bit daft but I started taking him to a local garden centre on quiet mornings for a cuppa and at first it was very stressful for him but gradually over time he relaxed and we would walk around the centre rather than sit in a huddle in the corner of the cafe! I bought him some plants to take back to his flat and he looked after those flipping things like they were his children...we both laugh about in now he's married and has the real thing!

The turning point was moving to another area, out of the busy town we lived in at that time...he moved to the seaside and gradually with time he overcame it. He will never be free of some of his anxieties but he compensates for them as we all do...sometimes life is all about compromises. Obviously we can't all move house in order to break the spell, but there are other ways to re-direct the mind and hopefully that's what your therapist is teaching you to do. You're doing great, and with time you will get there i'm sure :)

ISB x

trish1955
24-05-14, 18:26
Hi I still believe what at do you or did you suffer with XXX

Annie0904
24-05-14, 18:30
Hi, I am sure the cbt will help you. I was like this a few years ago and you just have to take slow little steps. I believe also that you have to feel the fear and just do it but do it gradually. I wanted to be able to go to my local supermarket so started by driving there and just parking in the car park. Once I felt comfortable with that I walked to the front of the shop. I eventually made it in to do some shopping :)

Catherine S
25-05-14, 14:17
Trish,

Sorry only just read your question. I have severe claustrophobia which limits how I live and travel, and I get very anxious when faced with being in one of my feared situations. Ive also suffered with ectopic heartbeats for many years too.

ISB x

DragonFlyX
27-05-14, 05:49
HI!!

I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to read /reply!
I read them that day but couldn't type a reply. The CBT is for low self esteem. I was in a very abusive relationship for over 20 years from a teenager. As a result have complex ptsd.. not very well understood unfortunately. The agorophobia has sprung off from this. The past year has been by far the worst. Even taking my rubbish out is an ordeal and something I usually do in the middle of the night incase somebody sees me. I don't know if others have experienced the almost paranoid feelings.. I'm not sure if it's that or just the overwhelming shame I feel. I was under constant 24/7 scrutiny in my relationship and it ended 6 yrs ago.. I STILL feel like I have to sneak around ..so much so I do it from everyone!.Thanks for the plant mention! I used to be an avid gardener and used it as therapy and escape. Now I can't keep a thing alive :(. Maybe that's an avenue I should look into again. They always say how you look after your plants is a reflection on how you look after yourself. The doctors appointments too! wow I am on a knife edge about the timing. 1 second over time and I'm stressed. I make sure I arrive exactly 4 mins before lol. It's across the road :)

Hope I havn't rambled on .. I will keep reading! Just thankyou all SO much. This is a huge leap for me I'm so private /secretive.

Nikki XX

tazmindevs
13-06-14, 15:52
i can honestly feel your pain. i used to have agoraphobia, thats right "used to" this is very beatable and remember when i felt doomed, over the years i've actually got tons better kind of on its own i still have trouble in shops with crowds and things but i have a life and i hope you can too

Booboojenny
13-06-14, 17:30
nikki well done ..lovely to read your posts..I know what it's like to not be able to go out of your house, mine was slightly different but I still couldn't go out of my drive unless I was been driven by my partner, very weird how your mind works.. Eventually with hypnotherapy and medication I took little steps and I go out when and her I want ..my partner was extremely controlling, this was about 7 years ago now.
Thinking of you, sending you a hug Nikki :hugs:
Jenny xx

DragonFlyX
23-06-14, 21:55
Hi

Thanks again for continuing to post! I feel bad.. had a rough 2-3 weeks and didnt feel able to communicate. I wasnt being rude!

thankyou for the ' used' to have lol. thats such a positive. Just spent a week at my parents which has recharged me a bit.
... I think I like this site :)

Nikki XXXX

cheshirecatqee
26-06-14, 14:20
You have been through a lot so don't beat yourself up. Coming to this forum has been a big step and it's not easy. My anxiety was so bad at one point I couldn't switch the laptop on never mind post in a forum.

Take things one at a time and build up your confidence. If you hit a bad patch everyone here understands as we all will hit bad patches on the road to recovery. Just remember it's only a patch it's not the way things will be forever.

DragonFlyX
28-06-14, 07:06
thanks Cheshire!

It's hard sometimes even accepting yourself.. I've felt such a failure at times and the shame can be overwhelming .. you made me smile thankyou :)
I ran a business once and now I panic that my toast will pop up before I've finished making a cup of tea! Sounds silly but thats about the height of my day lol

Nikki X

sedalia
28-06-14, 17:16
I developed agoraphobia practically overnight 4 years ago when my brother died. I went from being able to travel from one end of the country to the other alone, to standing at my front door with my legs shaking at the thought of going outside. I took small steps everyday, forcing myself to go out over and over again, going a tiny bit further everyday. I think that's the only way, but don't see it as testing yourself ( because if you don't manage it one day you'll feel angry & upset with yourself)...instead see it as "practising", and if you can't do it one day then it doesn't matter, just practise again the next day. I built it up so that I even managed to do two train trips alone to London last year, something I thought I'd never in a million years be able to do again. Unfortunately I've had a set back and need to build it up again, but instead of worrying about it I just tell myself I did it before and I can do it again. I just want you to know that it WILL get better, yes it may be a slow process and most days you'll feel like you've taken one step forward and three steps back, but YOU will do it, it won't always feel as bad as it does now. Just take your time and don't get frustrated if you feel you're not making progress, its just all part of your recovery. Good luck.

DragonFlyX
02-07-14, 09:13
Thanks Sedalia !

I'm currently in that 1 step forward 3 back. I have my CBT today , it's across the road from my house and I'm already planning for it with military precision! what time to leave to the minute, what time to have a bath so my hair is dry, should I cancel etc etc. I also have to hand my repeat script in so it won't be ready until Friday and that's already causing me anxiety. The chemist is almost next door to the doctors surgery :| ( across the street) .. I feel like the second I go outside I'm so exposed as if EVERYONE knows I don't go out. I'm sure you have all had the same symptoms.. like I'm drunk and everything is just this one huge haze . My therapist tells me to look at other people and then see they are not looking at me.. but the second I'm outside my head explodes and I'm stuck in this bubble of focus to where I'm going . I can't even think of looking at anything except the door to the surgery. All that goes through my mind is the timing and getting it done and getting home. I'ts not until 3pm today I've not slept all night . Rant over :)

Nikki X