So upset :(

[xrachykinsx]

Hey, A lot of you will know my story but a summary of it is, I'm only 22, married have a 3year old son. Had lots of stress in last few years which led me to a breakdown last October. I've been on a very bumpy recovery ever since. I'm in a much better place now, got a new job etc but still not 100% me and I'm okay with that because I'm confident I will be good one day soon.

I totally understand how hard it must be to live with someone with anxiety/depression. I get that...and on my road to recovery have spoke many times with my husband about it, and always talked about where I am mentally, how I'm doing and always appologised for my illness basically.

I got home from work today, to find my husband hadn't done ANY of the housework (he's been off all week, while I've been working), I asked what he'd been doing all day and he made a few nasty comments. I then asked him what had upset him as I'd only just got home and he went on to say ''well you're miserable when I come home' almost asthough he was purposely trying to make me feel really guilty and awful about my illness. It hit a nerve with me and I asked him if he thought how I've been is a joke to him? or if he thought I was just pretending to which he made some nasty comments about how 'everyones got stuff to deal with but they get on with it'...this upset me, because even at my worst I forced myself to 'get on' with it..afterall I have a 3year old son.

He's now turning it all round that he's the victim because he doesn't feel like I love him, or I don't like having sex with him anymore. All of these concerns he has, have literally in the last few weeks been raised and I had explained and talked to him about how I just don't feel 100% about myself and that I love him so much and it's nothing to do with him.

He was just so passive and nasty to me, that I've left the house and came to my mums to stay the night. I'm absolutely shattered that he was telling me there's basically a time limit for me to get better. The way he's pressuring me to act good around him constantly is going the opposite way and I can't put a time limit on my recovery. I honestly would rather he leave me than make me feel like this. I don't doubt how hard and testing it would be to live with someone with anxiety/depression but to tell me I've got a time limit to be me again is more cruel than anything...

[aprilmoon]

Oh Rachy!
I was just thinking about you wondering how your week was going after you posted the other day.I think you've done the right thing to have a bit of space and get your thoughts together.
Do you think there's something else bothering him? Has he got job worries or anything that could be contributing to the way he's being?
Perhaps when the situations cooled off a bit you might be able to talk it through?
I don't know what to say hun...
Sometimes things come out not the way we mean,and we speak in haste,try not to see it as an attack,which I know is hard when you've fought so hard to get well.
Sending a hug:hugs:

[xrachykinsx]

I feel so angry, he knows exactly how I've been, how hard I'm trying, the fact i've forced myself back into work to get back into life. I could understand if I'd never explained myself or why I'm feeling how I am. But I've reassured everytime. I've tried everything to help him understand my moods etc are nothing to do with him, so it all feels so spiteful that he'd knock me down so much :(

[aprilmoon]

Is he working himself or had he just taken the week off?
Is he pleased you're working?
Perhaps he just wanted a good moan,but overstepped the mark?
Im not excusing him,but I was taken aback when my husband made a remark one day when I was talking to one of my daughter's, and he said that my illness was all we ever talked about.It shocked me,because I didn't realize till then that he had felt that way,and it just wasn't like him to say something like that.
Its hard when you've been through what we have,and someone says something like that.It hurts. But I don't think he said it to hurt me,in fact,I know he didn't.
Maybe your husband doesn't realize how painful remarks like that are when you've been so poorly.
I hope you can talk it through,maybe tomorrow.
Perhaps its the small blowout you need to clear the air and get back on track.

[Jenwales]

I agree with what you are saying. But you also have to look at it from his point of view, if you walked into the house and he was always miserable it would be hard. My partner has always been supportive of me but I often get easily annoyed and he has also said (in the past) he is concerned I have lost interest in him because of the way I act.
I want to tell you that he is in the wrong, but nobody is wrong here. He is upset and thinks you don't love him anymore (that's normal) and just needs reassurance. Anxiety can affect us but we need to remember that it also affects those we love and we need to remember to pay them attention.
Please don't take any of this the wrong way. I have been in a situation where my partner has felt I no longer had any interest in him and I had to do something about it.
I know you are recovering etc and it's hard. I tried cbt and yoga helps me too. I have also tried to stop my worries bothering me. I had to change my mood by thinking differently.
Maybe you can sit down and chat to him and see what you can do to make him feel better. Just to make him feel that you are thinking of him in this and you are concerned (sorry, you may already have said that)
it'd just be a shame to ruin a relationship over anxiety, i know it's hard to be in a good mood or to be in the mood(that helps anxiety) but it's probably hard for him too.
The thing with anxiety is it's in our heads and we get stuck with it. Sometimes I think we just need to learn to let it go, it's a habit to worry and be anxious but we don't need to be. We can do things to change our thinking and break the habit.
All the best

[xrachykinsx]

you've not read what I've said. I've explained and reassured tiredlessly. I've done everything to improve my life and my anxiety and it is getting better. I've just started a new job. I think there comes a point where the way he's acting actually becomes counter productive for my anxiety and I truly feel that he's being unfair. He's telling me that if I don't get better in a few weeks then he's had enough. All I can say is...walk then... I can't put a time on my recovery and neither can he. I totally get that i'm a nightmare to live with. I admit it all the time and appologise... he's failing to see how far I've actually come since the breakdown...and the pressure he's putting on me to be the real rach..is becoming suffocating.

[aprilmoon]

I can see this from both sides,and it shows how much pressure this illness can put on relationships. The only way through this is open dialog, without anger or blame,and keep talking.
That's not going to happen just yet,by the sounds of it,but if you both want to keep together,then that's the way forward.
I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment,but getting through things like this,can make a marriage even stronger.

[AlexandriaUK]

Ok so Its hard to live with someone with anxiety, deppression, panic etc but give yourself a break, for richer for poorer in sickness etc, thats what we agree when we live together married or not,
problem with our illness and it is an illness no mistake about that you just can't see it, would he be the same if you had a broken leg,no I'm sure he wouldnt because Its visual and what we have is invisible to the eye,men find it difficult to cope at the best of times, spend some me time and let him stew for a while want do him any harm.
And you are the real you just evolved, what don't kill you makes you stronger

[Oosh]

Aw no, what a mess. You need this like a hole in the head after just spending two weeks learning a new job after being out of the workplace for so long.
I hope this weeks gone good for you in the new job. All the training finished and onto the reduced part time hours next week ?

It sounds to me like you've come home, had a moan at him, he's gotten all defensive and (best defence is attack) so he's thought "right, my turn, I'm gonna throw all the things IM not happy about back at her !"

You knew all that stuff would be there anyway right ? It's just taken a tiff to bring it out. That's often what happens. People just grab anything they can get their hands on and lob it, it all becomes ammunition to hurt.
It doesn't necessarily mean he feels that strongly about those things that he'd seriously consider calling it quits. I thnk it just became ammunition in a fight.

You're stressed with your new job and all the other things we know you have on your mind. And he is just being the partner involved in that with the gripes he'd have in that situation.

You've done the right thing putting some space between you. Just let it settle for a bit. I'd expect him to back right down and apologise at some point.

If he stands by his ultimatum take a run up and kick him right in the balls.
That's a ridiculous thing to say. I'm sure he has a lot more empathy for you than that.

Doesn't make your thoughts on being on antidepressants any easier does it knowing that they may be what could be responsible for him moaning over no "attention".
Most people don't feel like that whilst on them and I'd have guessed you were no different.
If he sorts himself out and apologises with flowers etc maybe tell him at some point you'll be coming off them and you're sure all of that stuff will fall back into place.

When he sorts himself out tell him not to worry and that it'll all work out and you still love him.

Bet you feel like you're growing up quick don't you haha. At 22 you don't need all of this drama.

Once you've made up you need to talk. Like you say, you need him to understand you don't need any pressure from him as it's hard enough as it is.

You're trying your best and it'll happen but it's going to take time. If he's not prepared to give you time he needs to grow up and he doesn't deserve to be married to you. Youre supposed to be with someone because you want to help them through the hard times not to just enjoy the good times.

I'm sure it was all just a tiff, grabbing any gripes and using them as ammunition.
Let the dust settle, give yourself a pat on the back for completing week two and enjoy your weekend.

You're doing really well Rach, stay strong.

[jackie13]

Hi Hun

My husband said to me once "do you know how hard it is to live with you like this"? I asked him the same question back! He looked really shocked! Anxiety/panic/depression can hit anybody at anytime. I, like you, have done everything possible to gradually get back to some sort of normal, my husband appreciates this. I merely pointed out that I don't make comments on his ex military style OCD!

Everybody suffers when a family member goes through any sort of mental problems.

Have a chat with him when you are ready and put all the cards on the table, him as well. Get it all out in the open, you will both feel better.

When this doesn't work for me, I get the cat to poo in his shoe lol:)

Hugs
Jackie x

[I'mdave27]

Maybe he feels powerless and feels he can't help you. Maybe he feels he gets no attention from you so this is his way of protecting himself as most men don't like talking about emotional stuff or maybe you just caught him when he was having a bad day , men do have them. Him not cleaning the house could just simply mean he was a having 'I can't be bothered day' or he's feeling down himself ? I read somewhere once that men relate through sex so if he isn't getting any or as much as he'd like it's a massive blow to a mans manly self esteem... men have more ego then women !