NoPoet
23-05-14, 19:49
Hi all. It's been a long time since I posted on here. As some of you may remember, I relapsed into severe anxiety at the end of last year when I tried to switch from mirtazapine onto sertraline. I began to experience distressing thoughts which caused unmanageable levels of anxiety as well as symptoms of depression.
The experience was confusing and difficult to say the least. It took many months before I was able to start scraping myself together. Writing about this is difficult for me, but I understand myself a lot better now, and I think it is finally time I broke this fear of talking about it.
It's difficult to accept that these horrible thoughts were simply the product of anxiety, but it's true, horrible recurring thoughts are a prominent feature of GAD, no matter how they might seem to represent secret fears. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about them because I felt I would get worse, or would be hiding from the truth.
This is the beginner's trap of GAD. It will convince you that you are in mortal danger, either from outside forces or from yourself, and it will play on your nerves, making you afraid to let it go - because it knows that if you do let it go, you will realise that nothing bad will happen, and it will fade in strength and gradually disappear. I've known this for some time, but I didn't appreciate the strength (savagery might be a better word) of GAD, or the skill with which it tricks you into keeping it alive.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here; maybe it's just to get it out so I don't need to think about it, or maybe my words will help other people, but I know anxiety now. I know that GAD is as powerful and treacherous as the devil, yet it still obeys the laws of nature, and these laws can be understood by us and used to our advantage. GAD is stronger than a titan, but at the same time, it's more fragile than the eject button on a Sony Blu-Ray player.
Well anyway, I spent a few months in darkness, but I'm back now, wiser and hopefully stronger than before. I am wary about the anxiety now, I will never underestimate it again, but I won't let it build up or overwhelm me again. This is the resistance, and the resistance is gonna break its foot on anxiety's coccyx.
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs22/i/2008/011/d/3/Payload_by_domnx.png
The experience was confusing and difficult to say the least. It took many months before I was able to start scraping myself together. Writing about this is difficult for me, but I understand myself a lot better now, and I think it is finally time I broke this fear of talking about it.
It's difficult to accept that these horrible thoughts were simply the product of anxiety, but it's true, horrible recurring thoughts are a prominent feature of GAD, no matter how they might seem to represent secret fears. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about them because I felt I would get worse, or would be hiding from the truth.
This is the beginner's trap of GAD. It will convince you that you are in mortal danger, either from outside forces or from yourself, and it will play on your nerves, making you afraid to let it go - because it knows that if you do let it go, you will realise that nothing bad will happen, and it will fade in strength and gradually disappear. I've known this for some time, but I didn't appreciate the strength (savagery might be a better word) of GAD, or the skill with which it tricks you into keeping it alive.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here; maybe it's just to get it out so I don't need to think about it, or maybe my words will help other people, but I know anxiety now. I know that GAD is as powerful and treacherous as the devil, yet it still obeys the laws of nature, and these laws can be understood by us and used to our advantage. GAD is stronger than a titan, but at the same time, it's more fragile than the eject button on a Sony Blu-Ray player.
Well anyway, I spent a few months in darkness, but I'm back now, wiser and hopefully stronger than before. I am wary about the anxiety now, I will never underestimate it again, but I won't let it build up or overwhelm me again. This is the resistance, and the resistance is gonna break its foot on anxiety's coccyx.
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs22/i/2008/011/d/3/Payload_by_domnx.png