The Resistance

[NoPoet]

Hi all. It's been a long time since I posted on here. As some of you may remember, I relapsed into severe anxiety at the end of last year when I tried to switch from mirtazapine onto sertraline. I began to experience distressing thoughts which caused unmanageable levels of anxiety as well as symptoms of depression.

The experience was confusing and difficult to say the least. It took many months before I was able to start scraping myself together. Writing about this is difficult for me, but I understand myself a lot better now, and I think it is finally time I broke this fear of talking about it.

It's difficult to accept that these horrible thoughts were simply the product of anxiety, but it's true, horrible recurring thoughts are a prominent feature of GAD, no matter how they might seem to represent secret fears. I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about them because I felt I would get worse, or would be hiding from the truth.

This is the beginner's trap of GAD. It will convince you that you are in mortal danger, either from outside forces or from yourself, and it will play on your nerves, making you afraid to let it go - because it knows that if you do let it go, you will realise that nothing bad will happen, and it will fade in strength and gradually disappear. I've known this for some time, but I didn't appreciate the strength (savagery might be a better word) of GAD, or the skill with which it tricks you into keeping it alive.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here; maybe it's just to get it out so I don't need to think about it, or maybe my words will help other people, but I know anxiety now. I know that GAD is as powerful and treacherous as the devil, yet it still obeys the laws of nature, and these laws can be understood by us and used to our advantage. GAD is stronger than a titan, but at the same time, it's more fragile than the eject button on a Sony Blu-Ray player.

Well anyway, I spent a few months in darkness, but I'm back now, wiser and hopefully stronger than before. I am wary about the anxiety now, I will never underestimate it again, but I won't let it build up or overwhelm me again. This is the resistance, and the resistance is gonna break its foot on anxiety's coccyx.

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs22/i/2008/011/d/3/Payload_by_domnx.png

[aprilmoon]

Well done with all you've achieved and thanks for your post.
I'm sure it will resonate with a lot of people.
Best wishes.:)

[Annie0904]

Lovely to hear from you Psychopoet I had been wondering how you are doing.
I am sorry that you have been through a difficult time with the anxiety but happy to hear that you have come out the other side a more stronger person.

[NoPoet]

Thank you both :)

One breakthrough moment is when my therapist did one of those GAD forms that rates anxiety and depression out of 21. My anxiety came in at 20, but the depression came in at 8, which was the lowest score to even rate as mild depression. I reckon both scores would be lower now. I'm kind of angry that I spent so long dreading my "symptoms" of depression, when I can now clearly see how many of them were severe anxiety. Funny how the line tends to blur.

[aprilmoon]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing,as they say.
The experience you got from it though,is actually very precious.

[Tessar]

What ever the message you'd like to get across PsychoPoet, this bit really sums it up for me........"I'm back now, wiser and hopefully stronger than before".

Without question you will be stronger.

Its good what you say about not letting anxiety build up or overwhelm you again. For me, one of the things about falling into the depths of despair is that once you've been there, you do recognise sooner when you are reverting to the "old type behaviour". For anyone life has its ups and downs and I suppose for those afflicted by mental health issues, it is recognising sometimes the difference between the rubbish life throws at you and when things are getting out of hand for you.

Best of luck my friend you are definitely a strong person and I like the way you write.

---------- Post added at 22:49 ---------- Previous post was at 22:48 ----------


Hindsight is a wonderful thing,as they say.
The experience you got from it though,is actually very precious.

i totally agree