View Full Version : I'm beyond suicidal. I have broken.
I can't think where else to talk about this. I'm a 21 year old woman, and I'm at the point now where my movement is so severely limited, my stomach seems to reject anything I put in it, my heart rate is always in the absurd levels (at peak, 170 just walking around.). I feel close to death most of the time, and am asking for help purely because in my last dozen attempts, I have been denied on the grounds of a previous diagnosis of 'panic attacks'.
I started having panic issues in 2010 at 17. My boyfriend told me in bed that I had a 'very white face'. I had been having consistent weakness until that point. I then had palpitations, started screaming, begged for medical assistance. I was told it was panic.
In 2011 it remained around the same, palpitations being my primary concern.
In 2012 it got worse. I was beginning to shake violently, and visit the ER because I would have attacks where I struggled to breathe and was totally losing control.
In 2013.. I focused on heart rate. It would be 120 just sitting in public. It could drop to 70 in some situations, but it mostly stayed up in the mid 90s. I checked 300-400 times a day.
In 2014, it all just became a bit too much. Heart rate could reach 140 just walking around after eating. Could barely stand up without almost falling over. Palpitations. And in early April. It all went to hell. I started feeling stuff sneaking up on me in bed. The same thing every time. I'd be desperately struggling for breath just laying down. And then I'd hear my blood rushing in my ears, followed by my heart seeming to shake my body. I'd turn over, and my heart would start missing beats. Not palpitations like I'm normally used to, but just plain missing heartbeats, heart rate speeding up, missing a beat, then slowing down, and speeding up again. I'd sit up, they would eventually calm down as I would convulse, being very sensitive to the cold.
And now I lay here, with this feeling during the night, unable to breathe during the day, with stomach aches constantly, nearly bedbound because standing sends me into a frenzy, often struggling to get a breath of air. I try to make dinner and I have to stop half way to sit down, my heart rate at 130 from standing and stirring for 20 minutes straight.
Each time I've had ECGs done, I've been told the same thing. "Anxiety." Blood work. "Anxiety." But this is all they give me.
I feel ill consistently. I was once athletic. I am now near bedbound. I require care, and assistance in basic tasks, and I am 21. And yet I am told "Anxiety". and given no further discussion.
I spend the entirity of my day in a serious sense of malaise. I no longer have comfort. I often can not move, can not eat, and spend my time in bed, shaking, and in agony around my stomach and back.
I want to know what could potentially be going on. I want to know why I'm in this pain, and how I can start getting it dealt with.
What am I experiencing? How do I get help when I have been labelled with anxiety, despite being physically incapable of standing on some days, and I am denied further medical evaluation?
I can't live anymore.
I am praying for Jesus to hold you close and comfort you. I can't imagine the extent of what you're going through but remember that you have a purpose and are important to God, first and foremost - as He created you in His image, and also to those around you who care deeply for you. This is not the life He wants for you. I've been on the suicidal ledge. Believe me it's so easy to do it. It makes so much sense. But I've experienced such great things since then. Life can be beautiful. I pray The Lord opens your heart to feel His love and your eyes to see His grace working behind the scenes in your life. Try reading some Joyce Meyer books. They helped me a LOT!
All the love in the world,
Jared
Catherine S
24-05-14, 03:48
Sorry, reading your thread title...you are beyond suicidal, there is something beyond suicidal? How do you go past being suicidal...to what exactly? Don't do that ok? Don't keep giving us that responsibility. We will answer your posts without the need to say things like that. Why is it always the young people who talk about suicide so casually? So many of you say it. So that's the only way out of the angst? Angst is also exclusive to the teens and 20s it seems. Sorry but almost every post from this age group talks about suicide. The Samaritans are much better qualified than us mere mortals surely? Why would we be the first port of call if you want to take your life? It constantly baffles me. Stop giving us that responsibility ok? Its enough.
I remember when I was that age often the first thing I went to was the suicide thing. Emotions run wild way easier before you learn to tame them. So yes her feelings are definitely valid. I resonate with the op because of my similar experiences at her age. Nowhere to turn! yeah, i know the pain. Just don't give up!
@jared Sorry I'm not a god person
@I still Believe I find it a little frustrating you'd read my post and think 'angst'. I was hoping more for a response on how to cope with the physical suffering I'm experiencing.
I discuss the concept of suicide to give a grasp of the scope of what I'm struggling with here. I struggle to eat, I sleep very little, leaving bed is difficult and my muscles are wasting, I am always sick, and I feel malaise consistently. I have no relief, and simply because it was labeled 'anxiety', I have never been re-assessed and lay here bedbound, literally soiling myself because of these constant attacks.
I have called Samaritans. They have not much to say, because I talk not of an emotional issue. I talk of a very severe physical suffering, of which I am desperately asking relief.
When people talk about suicide, they're calling out for help. They're saying "The suffering I am experiencing is beyond that which I can cope with. I require assistance." I require physical assistance simply to leave bed, at this point, and it is such a severe problem that I have considered euthanasia, simply because of how ill I feel.
So in reaching out for help, I desperately hope for good advice. Not to be called an angsty youngster and offered no further words.
Edit: Oh and to clarify, beyond suicidal, I am now physically incapable of taking my own life. I can't move enough in order to do so.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 04:02
I understand that she is feeling bad and needs help and that's fine, after reading the rest of her post we can help, but why the need to say she is beyond suicidal? What is beyond that? Nothing is. If people need help just say you need help. If you really are suicidal, this is not he place..the Samaritans is the place.
You've got some spirit there tofumama! You got fight in you yet so you're definitely not ready to die.
Im sorry youre not a "god" person but my God will continue to hear my prayers for you so that's what I'll keep doing. Hang in there friend.
Thanks, I appreciate the sentiment, jared, and I appreciate that you care. It's just that if God did work with me, I would hope it would be in less of a 'divine' intervention than a sustainable one where I could simply work to earn my wellbeing.
Of course in your view God could do anything, but plenty of people have turned a knife on themselves and there has been no such intervention. So I must apply that same sentiment to my own life. That my own actions, not my belief structure will result in my physical wellbeing.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 04:08
Why do you not see it from this side though also? Far too ready to condem me? That's ok. Defensive people I can cope with, suicidal people I cannot, I am only a fellow sufferer.
@ Believe, I'm not looking to victimize you in a thread I sought to discuss potential diagnosis/treatment/support for what in my case is a long term issue leading to being bed-bound.
If your post doesn't pertain to the topic, or offer specific advice to help these symptoms, please stop posting in this thread. I would appreciate not to justify my specific wording when I'm seeking desperate help, and would prefer to discuss getting better.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 04:11
...and at 21 years old you are certainly in the age group who talks about suicide the most, sorry but true. Just stick to the issues you have whether physical or mental...we can help. Just don't pump it up to suicide that's all. If its not how you really feel then don't give us that responsibility.
@ Believe: Neurologically, people between the ages 15-22 are still experiencing mass synapse restructuring. Coping is difficult at that age purely because we are yet to develop methods of which to deal with these changes in emotions, and they are strong, sudden, and often akin to serious mental illness.
I am suicidal. I simply do not have the ability to commit suicide with my current physical state. As I write this, I am shaking, I have vomited, and my chest hurts, significantly. I just can't do anything about it.
Your posts aren't helping my situation. You are trying to make my feelings inadequate because of my age, which is in terribly poor taste given the topic.
If you 'can help', then please, I ask that you impart some of the wisdom you have gained, since you are past 'the age group' I'm at. I would very much appreciate it, as I had asked in the post, as opposed to these shallow stabs at what you see as a behavioural flaw. Thank you.
@ Raindrops: Thank you for the post. I really appreciate it. I'm concerned because my condition really doesn't let me see a doctor, and I'm not really sure how to have that addressed. Other than that, I'm going to be trying my best to walk around. I didn't know other people had gotten this way over being anxious. I need a bloody good massage.
@ Raindrops May I ask what about it makes it seem less like 'simple anxiety'?
I would love to sleep. I lay down a lot but it's one of the worst times for me for anxiety.. so I tend to wait until I am completely exhausted so I spend less time laying awake.
I would love to get evaluated. My requests remain ignored because 'the issue has already been addressed, and the patient diagnosed with anxiety'.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 04:45
Ok, now we're a little closer to neutral ground. Not with me personally but with my brother who is in also in a wheelchair with a neurological problem. It makes me sad but he only get angry and together we try to figure it all out...the why's and where we go from here. It started for him much later though...into his 40's and ended his football career. Nobody can tell us exactly what it is, only that it comes under the neurological umbrella. I understand that you are at rock bottom and I'm sorry if my remarks made you feel worse. I'm assuming you're a mum, that would make suicide even worse surely, as you say if you physically could you would? The Jesus I know would be hanging out of the clouds telling you off for those thoughts.
I went to an adult education college some yesrs ago to do A-level Spanish and there was a lovely lady in her early 30's in my class. She had been paralysed from the neck down in a road accident 2 years before. Her husband had left her because he couldn't cope and she lived with carers who had to do everything for her, but she was so cheerful. She used a computer with probes strapped to her hands so she could type, and her carer would help her to sip a drink during the lesson.
I don't know why i'm telling you this but I just felt the need to justify my comments. My brother is in constant pain but never talks about taking his life if he could...perhaps you caught me on a bad night.
@Believe: I'm afraid I didn't catch you on a bad night. I never solicited your specific 'advice'. I asked for help in a public forum.
Again, I lack the current capacity to cope with my physical state of wellbeing. That is all I have asked for advice and help on, and I justify this by telling the forum with all honesty that my mental state is suicidal.
This name is a moniker. I am not a mother, and I did not ask for help with suicidal thoughts. If I am able to address the crux of the issue, being the physical malaise, then we have totally and utterly addressed the issue of suicide, as this is not emotionally influenced, it is physically influenced.
Perhaps if you understand that, you may not respond to posts calling for help with higher than thou responses because you're older. Just because you've lived *longer* doesn't give you the right to respond to people reprimanding them for what you deem angst. That's not wisdom. Nor a useful impart of it. It's just rude.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 05:01
Holier than thou? Me? Ahahaha...my kids would love that one. You ..put a thread on this forum with the word suicide in it, purely to attract as many people as you possibly could to pour out as much sympathy as possible. I've been around long enough to know how that one goes. No, sorry..after your crass remarks to me..not one ounce of apology that it was obviously misleading people. Got no time or patience for it sorry. I will now leave your thread as you requested lol!
Holier than thou? Me? Ahahaha...my kids would love that one. You ..put a thread on this forum with the word suicide in it, purely to attract as many people as you possibly could to pour out as much sympathy as possible. I've been around long enough to know how that one goes. No, sorry..after your crass remarks to me..not one ounce of apology that it was obviously misleading people. Got no time or patience for it sorry. I will now leave your thread as you requested lol!
Aging continues to be the predominant theme in all your messages.
Thank you for your kind stories of challenged people overcoming adversity. I strive to follow their behaviour.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 06:24
So, you feel the need to insult me through Pm as well as on here? That's ok I've got a thick skin...comes with the age thing that you...rather than me...seem to be a bit unsettled by. But hey...suicidally speaking, I got you through the night didn't I? By the way...thanks for your not so sympathetic remarks about my brother in your PM. Very mature.
---------- Post added at 05:24 ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 ----------
I've also just been reading back through an earlier thread of yours entitled 'health anxiety - how to end my life' and all the people who posted replies to you on that, including me, and after one reply where you appeared to be telling Fishmanpa off for not helping you, you decided not to bother to answer any of them after that, so actually this isn't the first time you've been advised not to post about suicide is it.
TMama,
I've read through the posts and I sympathize with your suffering. Medical professionals have attributed/diagnosed it as anxiety. Anxiety does cause the physical ailments you discuss.
What I haven't seen is any attempt at resolving the main issue being anxiety. Have you gone to therapy, CBT or been on meds to help with these issues? Have they been effective or given you some light at the end of the tunnel? Since you lack the current ability to help yourself, you solicited advice. In a forum environment, words are our only means of communication so I hope you see my words as a positive direction that needs to be taken to put you on a positive path to healing.
When I read "beyond suicidal" I see one that finds no peace in even death. It implies you're so far gone that even ending life will offer no release. Obviously it's a cry for help. Words can only do so much. Have you considered intervention? Voluntary commitment to a facility that would be able to offer help?
I hope you find a direction that puts you on the right path.
Positive thoughts
Hi Tofumama,
Be strong - you will get better.
It is one of the rules on NMP that you don't threaten or or even hint at suicide. You will understand that it puts undue burden on those who may want to reply to your post (and that they are also anxiety sufferers).
I think the main point is that you are suffering physical symptoms, and everyone is telling you that it is anxiety. If that is true, you need to focus on treatment for anxiety, and hopefully then the physical symptoms will resolve. I have to say that I've only skimmed through the thread, so I'm not sure if you've mentioned any ongoing treatment for anxiety, or attempts to treat it in the past. Be assured, it is treatable, and treatments will continue to improve in time, if they haven't worked in the past. Good luck!
Tofumama so sorry to hear how ill and desperate you are sometimes the body can be tormented and the mind relentless you need to see your Dr and say that the extent of your problems makes you feel suicidal at times your heart rate needs sorting but you also need to stop checking so many times as it's pushing your fear levels up and making things much worse I have massive stomach issues so I can appreciate this get this checked also tell them you need to see gastro Dr as your not eating I wish you well and please don't give in God bless
Hey I'm sorry you've got some negativity from posting this, pretty shocking to be honest.
I really feel for you and your situation.
It does make people worry when they see suicide because giving someone advice when they are that delicate is not a good idea, you might do more harm than good.
I don't think you should stop trying to get another diagnosis if that's what you think you need, people with anxiety get sick too, but I do think while you're waiting it makes sense not to rule out anxiety. Even if it is another illness, good moral is proven to help people recover from things and in the very least this illness is causing you stress you could do without.
You can make a complaint about the nhs, there is a complaints process and through that you can essentially demand to be tested again too. You may be able to get help complaining through a service I used to volunteer for - google POhWER and you'll find them.
Is there something specific you want done or tested?
You could also threaten to complain before you actually do it and see if that shakes up your doctors enough to listen to you.
A lot of your symptoms do sound like anxiety, even the way you've phrased them are very typical of people confused about their symptoms - I'm not saying it is, I'm no Dr - it just does sound like it. I've had a lot of similar problems to you and my panic attacks are similar, sometimes identical, to what you've described.
I've had periods of symptoms that have kept me in bed and pretty ill for periods of time, that only got better when I kinda forced myself to relax. And before I did that one was snowballing into another and it began to get out of hand, like I said I was in a very similar situation to you. You feel ill you don't eat well, you don't eat well you feel ill, You don't eat so you get fatigued, you stay in bed, fatigue gets worse, you get weak etc etc These things can be circular.
Take care x
Racing heart, palpitations and feeling like you can't breath are all classic anxiety symptoms. It sounds like you have had lots of tests to rule out physical abnormalities with the heart so it is worth exploring the idea that this is caused by anxiety. Your post makes a strong case for anxiety really; you are hyper aware of body sensations, worrying and checking excessive, etc.
My first thought is what help are you getting? Talking therapies can be useful but I wonder in your case if it would be worth asking the doctor about medication.
Of course I'm not qualified to say if it is appropriate or not, but there are medications out there like Propranolol which can really help physical symptoms such as palpitations and racing heart beat. I would be asking my doctor about those.
Please go and ask your GP for something to help. Beta Blockers will clam your heart. I was like you a couple of months ago. I had a week of Beta Blockers, they calm the physical symptoms of anxiety, which by the sounds of it, is all it is.
It's JUST anxiety. I know it's hard, but you need to try and grasp that. Once your heart calms down a bit woul that calm you? You also need I stop checking it hun, you will drive yourself insane.
How about some anti anxiety meds? I don't take them, but I feel since I have accepted anxiety as part of my daily life iv got much better. Please don't dispair. There are lots of people to help you, I'm always here if you want a chat.
Thanks for the kind advice, guys. I just managed a whopping 3 and a half hour sleep today, so I'm pretty tired, but I have medication I'm starting today, given that I've just been given a prescription for diazepam.
I also agree on the 'shocking' part. I never thought posting for help (and I mean help. I'm not here for sympathy, I just want solutions) would leave me with a malicious person spamming my thread.
I'll get back to you guys when I've tried this stuff. I woke up to a lot of chest pain this morning, probably muscular though, given my contorted position yesterday.
---------- Post added at 11:18 ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 ----------
So, you feel the need to insult me through Pm as well as on here? That's ok I've got a thick skin...comes with the age thing that you...rather than me...seem to be a bit unsettled by. But hey...suicidally speaking, I got you through the night didn't I? By the way...thanks for your not so sympathetic remarks about my brother in your PM. Very mature.
---------- Post added at 05:24 ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 ----------
I've also just been reading back through an earlier thread of yours entitled 'health anxiety - how to end my life' and all the people who posted replies to you on that, including me, and after one reply where you appeared to be telling Fishmanpa off for not helping you, you decided not to bother to answer any of them after that, so actually this isn't the first time you've been advised not to post about suicide is it.
For the record, I posted in PM thanking this user for those stories, but was condemning of the age issues she decided to have.
I'm now not only severely anxious enough not to sleep right, or even put my head to good use. I'm now angry too.
I'm telling you this one more time and no more, I'm seeking help. If you have nothing nice to say, stop trying to invalidate my feelings and make me feel bad, show how much more mature you are than me by example, and leave, rather than trying to argue with a struggling 21 year old at all times of day. All you've done is made me feel like shit. I hope you're proud.
Katie_cupcakes
24-05-14, 11:59
Hello,
I was so sad to read your pain :( the only thing I can suggest would be try calling nhs24, explain that you're physically incapable of moving. Don't mention the anxiety diagnosis, and perhaps they might send someone to come and see you.
You sound like you're going through a more serious case of what I'm suffering from at the moment as well. My whole body is in pain (I can still get up and move etc) but iv also just been getting the 'anxiety' diagnosis, which just gets brushed off as if its no big deal.
I have no clue why I have pains all over my body, but iv even got bruising in some places too. I'm only 23 and also used to be very active.
I can only suggest trying nhs24. I know how useless doctors can be! And how infuriating it is when they don't help and you have nowhere else to turn.
I hope you start feeling a bit better soon! :( x
venusbluejeans
24-05-14, 12:36
TofuMama - We do have a rule on NMP that says suicide can not be discussed as it is an emotive topic.
to be honest these threads of concern are ore of the ones that announce that they are going to commit suicide "i thought about suicide" is a lot different to "I am going to commit suicide"
I do not see that your post is about suicide at all BUT i think that you could have chosen a different title to your thread, please could you think about your thread titles in future please.
I hope you get the Advice you need.
I.S.B - There really was no need to jump down the posters thread like this at all, the thread was not about that she wanted to go out and commit suicide.
If you had a problem with the thread you should have reported the thread instead of turning it into an argument, that is what the report button is there for.... so the Admins can then look at the thread.
We all need support on this forum and the only mistake TofuMama made was the title of the thread, which I have asked her to think about before she posts again....Please could you refrain from posting on this thread again as you do not have any sensible advice for the poster.
Admin
Catherine S
24-05-14, 12:59
There is nothing shocking about my response Half Jack. As stated by Hanshan, the forum rules are that nobody posts about suicidal thoughts...its not this forum's responsibility to deal with anybody in that frame of mind...and I'm told there have been members in the past who have carried those thoughts through.
Its a hell of a responsibility and the members who reply to posts like this are just going to tell you to seek professional help if you feel there is no point in living. People reply, trying to help out of kindness rather than ignoring a thread and leaving it with no replies at all.
In retrospect I shouldn't have logged into this thread and will pass by any further threads posted on this subject. That's an apology to Nicola if she has been following this one.
ISB
Oh and apologies to Venus, I only read your reply above after I posted mine sorry.
Thank you venus. I'm sorry about the thread title. If I can change it I shall.
People tend to lose tone online, so they genuinely start putting people into categories. They see posts complaining on an online forum and eventually come to the conclusion that these people are whiny, angsty. What you're not seeing is the person behind that. You're not seeing a young woman laying in bed, occasionally screaming out for help and falling out of bed, trying to get to the phone, with a very high heart rate, gasping for breath. If we were able to use audio to describe how we feel, and what's going on, maybe others would grasp the scope of each individual's anxiety.
I only ever mention suicide to give scope to what I'm experiencing. Emotionally, I'd like to think my capacity is above and beyond average. Last year my recovery from an operation that almost killed me consisted of learning to walk again by getting up, and trying to help any patients that needed anything. The anxiety has made me break down from that state, and I'm incapable of simple physical tasks. That is why I have asked for assistance. And I apologize if it is out of place. It is simply out of desperation. I want to get back to that state of being able to do hard exercise. But right now standing up is a challenge.
Edit: Also the post above me is absolutely unbelievable. An admin asks for her to stop posting after all of that, and she just has to get the last word in. And for the record, this has been a useful experience. I've gotten some damn good advice in between all the little pockets of dramatization, and I've written it all down. I've been walking to and from the kitchen, even though it's tough, and I do feel a little better this morning for it.
I have also found that it helps if you make a doctors appointment for just one or two symptoms and nothing else. Keep it consise but give them the information their looking for.
So for example, make an appointment purely for your heart rate.
Make a short list of
1. The symptom- fast heart rate.
2. When does this occur- All day. After waking, walking, resting, food and at night.
3. What other sensations do you specifically get when this occurs. Not just other sensations you are experiencing, but ones that seem to increase in corellation with the fast heart rate. Do you feel faint when your heart rate increases? Do you feel more sick. Have a real think and try and map out your symptoms, but again, try and avoid writing pages of essays. (I have made this mistake in the past) Keep it short.
4. How long has this been going on for?
And that's it. In under a minute or two try and explain these four simple points of this one symptom (calmly if you can, it makes things easier). Then let the doctor consider what you have and give his opinion.
Then ask questions related to what they said, this is vitally important. Try,
1. (If they haven't already suggested) Would some tests be relevant. An ECG, a 24 hour tape, an echocardiogram, an x-ray. Ask why not if they say no. Ask them to explain if you don't understand.
2. What is their opinion on this being serious, life threatening, possibly getting worse or effecting your life in the furture/ as you age.
3. Voice any concerns you have. I.e could this possibly be...
Then make a sperate appointment for the next problem and repeat the process.
In this country there is a knack to going to the doctors. We are extrememly lucky but also hindered by the thing that gives us the luck. Do it wrong and they're completely useless. This isn't entirely their fault, as their under a lot of time constraints and are not super human after all; they can only rely on medical knowledge that's based on physical symptoms.
Remember also that a doctor's job is not to make you well, it is to treat symptoms. Wellness if not simply the absence of disease, which you probably already know.
But this fact is also a really great thing, because it means that medicines and surgeries are not the be all and end all. You can in fact get better on your own regardless. Not just from anxiety, but from seemingly incurable things too and everyday aches and pains.
People have cured themselves of everything under the sun, therefore nothing is technically incurable.
That's a good mindset to start off with.
I think then a plan of action would definitely be a good way to go. It will help organise your mind and keep your symptoms under control until things can start to be resolved.
You really need to figure this out for yourself, but a good way to go might be;
1. Get the right mindset. This is important in life in general. It's difficult, but if your really concentrate it becomes easier and easier. When you worry about a symptom what are you focussing on? Only the symptom and your body. Completely forget about it. If your heart is fast, think the simple thought of 'my heart is fast' then focus on something else and lose all care for your fast heart rate. It is unlikely to be serious if it has been going on for so long. You should take comfort in that. But also don't use that as a comfort technique.
You should not be comforted that the symptom has gone away because you are distracted by other things, but instead comforted that you can do other things and hold a happy mind even though the symptom is still present.
In life it does not help to dwel to negatives, pain and loss. Your mind is not your body and regardless of it's state it is possible to be peaceful.
At the minute you are living. You have all these problems yet you are still alive, and breathing. You are trudging through each day in pain and scared and confused. So what you need to work on is getting though each day in pain and mindful and contented.
Often when I wake up I have a depressed feeling for various reasons. But I realise it won't change unless I make an effort. I step back and think, I am making everyhting negative. I'm catastrophising everything. I need to change this.
Iif you quickly recognise this and make every effort to force your mind to stop and chage your outlook then it is possible to turn living with pain and uncomfortable bodily sensations into a part of life (which it is, and in fact the crux of the matter. Being uncomfortable, is, just life).
Reading books that people have suggested on this site might help. Watch videos (Tedtalks are good) on youtube and try councelling. You said you are not religious, that's ok, but realise that if the religion doesn't help, the concepts behind it might. Have a look on the internet.
But getting outside and talking and interacting with and to people is the best thing you can do. Not just in redirecting your attention but also helping you order your thoughts. Knowledge solves, well, everything.
Ask their opinions on the big questions and you'll be suprised at how wonderful the answers you get will be. People love talking about thsi stuff but rarely do. Ask; What would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? How would you feel? What do you think you'd do if you got cancer? What do you think the meaning of life is? Do you sometimes worry about the future? Etc etc, whatever you are curious about. People are a wealth of support and information.
2. Asses your life and actions. (As opposoed to assing your mind like in point 1. Notice the order of these points- their in order of importance.)
a. Are you eating well. This is a broad subject in itself and needs a bit of careful thought and fine tuning, but is perfectly possible as well. I would advise researching what works best for you, but a few things to consider might be;
- Processed foods. You might think healthy food is just cutting out junk but that's not the case. A cake here or there is fine. But really what is mean by that is one every few months. In fact, anything with more than 5-10 ingredients on the label, depending on the food, especially if you don't understand what it is, is probably not great. Be sensible wiht this of course, you're not going to make yourself terribly ill by eating shop bought bread if that's all you can buy right then (don't be afraid of all food and think it's evil, just remember there are often better alternatives and it won't hurt to buy them when you can). Try the fresh bakery counter-slighlty better. Or even bake it yourself. Eat rice, cous cous, quinoa, lots of vegetables, fruits and beans. Dairy and meat are also problems. Not so much that their bad for you in essence but nowdays everything is pumped full of chemicals. Pesticides are one thing, but actually drinking milk from a cow that has had chemicals pumped into it's bloodsteam-not so good. Try and eat organic dairy if nothing else.
-Vitamins and minerals. Once again research. There are many and they work. Consider a trip to a chinease doctor. There will be one near you for sure.
b. Excersie is vital. Swimming is relaxing and healthy, with very little negativities whatever your condition. Waling around outseide is also good. It helps to not have any distractions, just take in your world and smile at everyone that you encoutner.
c. What are you unhappy with in your life. Seriously have a think. What do you really want to do with your time. Are your relationships good? Fix these things.
3. Then tackle your symptoms. Remember there are a multitude of options and nothing is ever written in stone. Go the doctor intelligently like I have said, and if there is no reaction insit calmly and then proceed to find a new one. It may even help telling your doctor politely that this is what you are considering to do, because you feel that they are not taking you seriously. This might help them to take you seriously!
Consider a chinese doctor.
There are also ways to manage your symptoms regardless of medicine (which is essentially all a doctor will give you, and is in fact in itself a way to manage/cure symptoms). Again, researching is your friend. Search for cures, not illnesses.
I have every faith that you'll be fine. You just need the right information and to recognise that you are more in control of your body and your life then you think. In fact, you are totally in control.
Please feel free you message me if you want and I will be happy to try and help with anything. All the best.
Catherine S
24-05-14, 13:08
My last reply was posted before I read the message from Venus, so it wasn't that i was ignoring her. I'm not trying to get the last word, but I will respond to people bashing me.
venusbluejeans
24-05-14, 13:12
Thank you both....
ISB.... time for you to leave the thread I think so we can get the thread back to what it was meant to be and thank you.
Tofu Mama - Thank you :) if you pick edit Post you should be able to change the thread title on there.... if not it doesn't matter please just think about it for next time.
now time for a peaceful Saturday.....
Catherine S
24-05-14, 13:19
No probs Venus, will do. Have a good day.
@ Alice: This is some very good life advice. I really appreciate the care put into your message. Your holistic approach isn't one that I generally would follow, but the way in which you break it down into its' core issues helps me realize that this could very well be a problem with lifestyle.
- Food: I'm a weird one with that. Eat only freshly baked brown bread. Only wholemeal pastas. 5/6 portions of fruit/veg a day. 1600-2000 calories, barely any saturated fat, lots of protein, enough carbs... but then I get weird. I crave. I then proceed to eat a fried chicken burger and chips, with ribs on the side, drink coca cola, and loaf around with a tube of pringles.
- Exercise: You know you're so right about the swimming. It's the only thing that doesn't mess with my heart rate. I became vicious in the months where I was able to move around, because I couldn't even jog, could just about speedwalk. But then I started swimming, checking my heart rate after a couple of lengths. "120bpm heart rate? But I feel exhausted!" and then I proceed to destroy a few dozen lengths just because I can.
- Mindset: I agree, I'm not in a good state of mind. I will start working on that with positivity. I've definitely got myself into a huge form of negative feedback, and have gotten to the point I felt it was out of my control to fix. I'll address that, and I will start seeing a therapist.
- Medical: I've had these symptoms addressed. I understand why doctors are upset at my presence in their office, but I go to them because I need advice. I do not receive any. I have an echocardiogram on June 9th. I suppose if that turns out well, and my blood tests go well also (full thyroid test), maybe I should accept it.
So now I have my plan:
- No more binge eating. Just the good stuff.
- Identify emotional issues before they start occurring, and surround myself with positive activity each time it does.
- Start doing basic exercise, bed exercises and very light walking until I can get back to walking 500m or so.
- Get my medical evaluation out of the way. Then it's within their control, and is no longer my concern. I've lasted this long, so I can last til early June.
- Start swimming once every couple of days. And then move up to cycling to see a therapist.
- Once all of that fog is cleared up, if any symptoms remain, then I can actually describe them properly. "Stomach hurts, feels like obstruction" is probably easier for a doctor to deal with than "Well when I lay down at night, I find myself struggling to breathe. I don't know why, then blood rushes in my ears, and I feel my stomach 'twinge'. I can't describe it well. It just 'twinges' and then I feel as if something has overloaded. blablabla."
- And of course, I will try my best to block out the anger that it causes me when spiteful jaded people try to project their own feelings of inadequacy onto my calls for help.
Thank you very much.
Tofu, sorry that you are feeling so poorly and overwhelmed at the moment...I hope that things start to improve soon.
All that I can suggest is to keep communicating with the doctor of how you are feeling...try not to self diagnose, just list thoughts, feelings and actual symptoms down...maybe in a diary, and then present it to them.
Have the doctors offered any medication or therapy for the panic / anxiety they have diagnosed? Even if you don't think that's what it is, follow what they suggest because there is always the chance that it works, and if it doesn't then it shows you are trying.
Try not to take your own vital signs like pulse etc, it gives you the wrong focus...try and focus on relieving the feeling and making yourself feel better.
Please let us keep this thread on the subject rather than the unfortunate argument that followed from now on. This forum is for support, and there are plenty of people around to support you Tofu
@Dory: Normally I check my pulse because I am concerned (either with a pounding sensation or otherwise). But you are right. I should stay off of it.
I have not been offered therapy. I sought it last year but I wasn't very compatible with my therapist. Other than that, I've tried citalopram, but the side effects were a little too much for me. It really did help though.
TofuMama, you've gotten really great advice from Alice1, and I see you've already created an action plan for yourself. I believe this will take you far, stick to it.
I just wanted to add that you might consider therapy to help you out with emotional issues, in particular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is excellent for people who suffer with anxiety as it will help you identify and rationalise unhealthy thought patterns. It's a very proactive type of therapy and will give you lots of tools to work through your anxiety issues.
From your post and symptoms it sounds to me like you are stuck in a cycle of fear. Beginning with the very first time you felt this happen, when your boyfriend told you that you looked very pale, your worry about why you were pale would have activated your sympathetic nervous system and encouraged your brain to release stress hormones into your body. The symptoms that stress hormones produce made you even more anxious, and so you worried further causing even more hormones to be released. In this way anxiety and panic become a cycle that is difficult to break unless you begin to learn about the nature and science of what anxiety/stress is and how it affects your body and brain.
The advice that Alice1 has given you will all help to break this cycle, relax the sympathetic nervous system and engage the parasympathetic nervous system which will help you to unwind from all the anxiety. There are many ways that you can do this, I wrote a post recently about the different things that you can do and that helped me, if you'd like to read it you'll find it here (http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=1319607#post1319607). In fact I think I might create a separate post with this information, just so it doesn't get too buried in the forum! I hope you find it helpful and that you find yourself feeling better very soon.
So you didn't click with one therapist...I saw many different therapists before I saw benefit...don't stop seeking help, as the others have mentioned you need to break the cycle, there is no one cure that fits all....find what works for you and focus on getting well
I'm so glad I could help you!
I think just by this post and your willingness to be open to other people's opinions and advice means that everything's going to be uphill form here. Some days might be worse than others but you're going to do it and be your well, happy, healthy self soon enough, I know it!
This thread ended really well, I love this forum and the advice on here.
I hope you start to feel better TM x
Thanks guys. :) I'm doing lots of reading, getting tired now though, lol.
When I was the op's age (only 5 years ago) and younger, especially age 19-20, I had some issues and was incredibly rude and defensive to everyone around me. That's because I saw everyone as a threat and was horribly, horribly Undiagnosed manic depressive. I wanted to kill people who gave me glares and thought about it for up to a half an hour after the glare was exchanged and I didn even know the person. What I didn't realize until much later was that the enemy was me.
So I wholeheartedly sympathize with the op but also realize it is ridiculously impartial and crass. I think the word of the hour here is grace. Give her some grace, sometimes we feel strongly about things, even to be rude, she will "cope it out" in due time. I was a hellion, man was I ever. She will get through this, as long as she doesn't give up.
Edit : glad to see everyone is back on track peacefully!
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