I obsess and cant keep hurting inside any longer

[chunli]

Im 19 ive been dealing with panic attacks and obsessive thoughts for about 1 and a half years.

I told my therapist i obsess over obsessing. I start to panic because of this
intense hatred and fear of becoming someone im not or as people(they are famous) i believe are similar to me (aubrey plaza, steven wright). They are incredibly uncomfortable with themselves and have cringe worthy qualities of (in my head) to talk to even though they seem good hearted.

I want to be ok again. Not as i was before, but a healthy version of my current self. Ive been trying meditation and going out with family and exercising but its been slow going with me not doing very much of these well.

My big problem is that i dont know what is going on with me and my healthy approach that ive been taking very slowly isnt helping enough. Im trying to get to know myself as a completion of my meditation to discover absolute truth through existentialism.

Im not happy with myself and i wish i would die sometimes. Ive never hurt myself but I put a knife to my wrist once and not more than I admitted myself to the hospital and got little help. I dont know whats worth doing but its certainly not being in a psych ward for a month.

What more information should i give? i need more help than im already getting.

[Oosh]

Right, let's say you have obsessive thoughts. They started for whatever reason. Not important, they started. Maybe it was as a result of these feelings, maybe experiences, about this awkwardness you feel you have, maybe something else.
Many many people can have obsessive, intrusive thoughts.
Maybe they're valid and and are worries that your subconscious keeps throwing up because it needs resolving.
Maybe they are just you coming out of your teens, feeling a lot more aware of yourself, who you are, what you are, what you're not.
Or maybe they're nonsense intrusive thoughts that are coming from an anxious/panicky state youre experiencing and they are like your fear just constantly suggesting to you what will scare/bother you.

Is it a real issue ?
What is this awkwardness you refer to ?
Do you have some sort of thing about you, physically, verbally that is different, noticeable and do you have evidence of this ?
Or is it simply your negative view of yourself that has never been highlighted by anyone but you ?

If there's an issue there then you deal with that and how you see it, see yourself. It really doesn't matter if you talk funny or are awkward. These things are valued by people too. Whatever it is that you are, you shouldn't worry because this world is made up of all sorts of people who like all sorts of different things.
For every one looking for friends/partners who are loud and fun and confident there is one looking for someone reserved and awkward. The important thing is how you are as a person.

If you would like not to feel awkward then you need to , like you say, feel more accepting of yourself. You are you, it's brilliant, value it and people will pick that up from you no matter what you say or how you say it.
Your awkwardness could simply be the vibe you give off because YOU are not comfortable with YOU and less that they think there's anything wrong with you.

I've always had a shy personality. But for first period of my life I was supremely secure in who I was. But one day I thought about what I wasn't. I judged myself accordingly and all I ever saw from that point was what I wasn't.
I couldn't bare myself. Couldn't bare to put myself around others to face that.
Anyone around me would just pick up that I was not comfortable anymore with who I was.

You're young and that's when a lot of this self awareness kicks in. Work on accepting yourself early. You've got to start giving yourself a break and seeing yourself with more value. Then you'll be able to look people in the eye and be who you are. SHINE, show them how fantastic you are !

If you are of the personality to feel self aware and awkward you're probably a lot of other qualities like
Empathic
Thoughtful
Caring
A really loyal supportive friend
Creative ?
Intelligent

Work on seeing the positive things you are and not what you are not.

If the intrusive thoughts are anxiety/panic based ignore them. Hear them, place no meaning on them and carry on. Like workmen drilling outside while you try to get on with your day. Hear it chatter away like a noisy drill.
Because none of that sort of intrusive thought is real.
They are suggestions purely designed to bother you.
Hear them, know they are not true, place no meaning on them like they're an annoying chatter and nothing more. Like you have the misfortune of having to carry an annoying noisy bird around with you in your pocket.
Don't listen, don't explore it, just noise, carry on.

Talk to people. Don't keep this to yourself. See a counsellor about self esteem and this awkward way you see yourself. Work through it.

Im trying to get to know myself as a completion of my meditation to discover absolute truth through existentialism.

That sounds really interesting. But you know there are people who have travelled and searched for wisdom and still don't know what absolute truth is. I just don't want you to spend years going down that rabbit hole only to find you still feel awkward at the end. Sometimes things are simple.
I've done that stuff too. I've looked into Buddism. I figured that if I can come up with wisdom and answers by thinking then the people who have the truth are the ones who've devoted themselves to thinking and finding answers for generations.
You'll find pretty simple answers like compassion for others.
I believe the reason for that is because as humans we need people and compassion for our people/group and receiving compassion and acceptance from our people/group and feeling we are worthy of it is EXTREMELY important for our emotional health.

We not I.
Give to people regardless and think about them and how they feel. Be cool with people and get it back, regardless of what you believe you have wrong with you.

Don't go too deep down the rabbit hole. Keep things simple.

If I've got stuff wrong feel free to put me right :]