View Full Version : Can't understand why I'm behaving so coldly
Background: history of anxiety and depression but have been ok for over a year.
Recently I got made redundant and so I have to look for a new job. I hate having to constantly prove my self worth. I am painfully sad to have lost a job I loved. I am putting pressure on myself to find something new quickly.
My boyfriend has been supportive but I find myself taking my anxiety out on him by treating him really coldly. I can't be physically affectionate. I can't laugh with him even though I can laugh with other people. He tells me he is proud of me but then I try to rationally argue against him. I have behaved ungratefully but I can't accept him being nice to me. I am withdrawing from him physically and emotionally.
He accidentally thoughtlessly callous to me last week - getting angry over something that was indirectly my fault even though he didn't actually care about it, on the night of my painful leaving drinks, after some friends had let me down. He could have been more sensitive - but it's been blown out of proportion. I told him how he made me feel and he has kept apologising ever since and shouldering the blame. I feel that I can't trust him with my emotions because he has been insensitive - but the incident doesn't feel big enough, I feel like I should have been able to forgive and forget by now. Instead I'm left with a feeling of mistrust and that I can't open up to him.
On top of that we are experimenting with an open relationship, and there is a girl he might sleep with (or might have already slept with) during his stay with his parents this week. Since we haven't slept together for a couple of weeks now I don't know how I feel about it. I guess I wanted to be more secure in my relationship the first time we tried something new. But maybe it's already too late.
So my question is:
How do I forgive him and open up again?
If I can do that, I feel sure that I will be happy to be affectionate and will feel secure about being in an open relationship.
Please help me. I think this is stemming from my anxiety about work. Oh and also my grandparents died so I'm still grieving, and my family is all very upset. Oh and my boyfriend is the only one I go to with my problems because nobody else seems to care as much, least of all my family.
Where you this way with him before you experimented with an open relationship ?
Sorry, an obvious question. Probably nothing to do with it but, for me, I'd have a barrier going up around now to stop myself feeling hurt, insecure. To me, that feels natural. But I've no experience in open relationships.
Have you EVER been physically affectionate and laughed together with him ?
If so at what point did that stop ?
After recent fighting ?
When open relationship started ?
Some other point ?
Just my opinion. An open relationship is basically friends with benefits. There's no security and it fosters an air of mistrust and indifference.
A lack of caring and/or an emotional disconnect seems a natural defensive reaction.
There are several factors and life situations at work in this scenario, all culminating to how you're feeling now. I hope you find some peace and resolution.
Positive thoughts
Well, whatever your views on open relationships, we're trying it out anyway. We've been together a year and have supported each other through a lot, we know each others' families, we go as a couple to things with friends, we still go on dates and days out... I don't think we're just friends with benefits.
We used to be physically affectionate and it's just stopped recently since I felt he wasn't sensitive to me. We've talked about an open relationship from the start so I know that's not the core of the problem.
That's why I believe that if I can forgive him for not being sensitive 100% of the time, then I think I will be able to open up to him and everything else will follow.
How can I make myself feel safe enough to open up with him again? How can he make me feel safe enough? I know that he will do anything I ask him to.
Ok so it's this -
"He accidentally thoughtlessly callous to me last week - getting angry over something that was indirectly my fault even though he didn't actually care about it, on the night of my painful leaving drinks, after some friends had let me down. He could have been more sensitive - but it's been blown out of proportion. I told him how he made me feel and he has kept apologising ever since and shouldering the blame. I feel that I can't trust him with my emotions because he has been insensitive"
Do you only feel like you can't trust him with your emotions since this one incident ?
Has he previously proven to you that he can be trusted with your emotions ?
If you've been with him for a year I would imagine he has ?
So in that case, and you're saying it's just this incident that has changed the way you feel, you must feel this incident is somehow different ?
After all you've said he "accidentally" did it. And that he has apologised profusely. So why do you think this time you feel different ?
Or has he previously been so perfect and sensitive that this is actually the first time he's been like this, it's new to you and you're hurt by it ?
People with anxiety/depression can hurt easily and really be bothered by it. We can bruise easily over things others don't understand.
Then there's a bit of shock that someone can hurt us like that.
Followed by feeling hurt and as a result anger at them for hurting you.
Only you know if he's got a track record of being sensitive with you. If he has maybe you're gonna need to focus on that, accept that he's an arse and can put his foot in it like the rest of us because he's not perfect.
Unless you have placed extra meaning on the whole incident and worry its a sign of something else, something more.
God knows none of us get it right all the time. Kick him up the arse, give him a hug and laughingly tell him he does it again you'll chop his balls off.
Then enjoy him. We could all be knocked over by a bus tomorrow.
Focus on the good times you've had with him and make some more.
He's like a loveable idiot, give him a hug.
How can I make myself feel safe enough to open up with him again? How can he make me feel safe enough? I know that he will do anything I ask him to.
At 55, I've just been there and done it, thus my opinions. Also, my views are jaded having been on the receiving end of infidelity. What makes me feel safe and loved is the exclusiveness and trust of a devoted partner. In fact, I'm marrying her next week :)
Since he will do whatever you ask, you have to ask yourself what will make you feel safe and what will make you happy as well. There are no answers one can give on a forum for your question. Ultimately, you have to be satisfied with your decisions and life. Perhaps I speak for myself, but "trust" is absolutely vital in feeling safe, not just in a relationship but in life.
Positive thoughts
I would rather be on my own than have an open relationship.:scared15:
Congratulations Fishmanpa, hope it's a lovely ceremony. You're right, I need to trust him to feel safe. Feeling that he is honest with me, that he is on my side and believes in me, and that he will try and understand and help me out of my problems is what I want.
Oosh I think your questions are the right ones for me right now. I have bruised more easily than usual because I am in a bad place. He has indeed been perfect for months now, so it's new to me and I'm hurt by it. He just wasn't thinking and echoed my anger at my friends the day before but stronger - he probably thought he was helping me.
He's been sensitive all the way through and his behaviour is not a sign of something more. He is as loving as always, as much as I let him be. I don't have it in me at the moment to laugh it off. I have tried to enjoy him, as you say, the past few days but I can't relax with him, I'm constantly on guard. Is time going to heal or is there something else I need to do?
I'm just so depressed to not have a job. I'm down most of the time. My last boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't cope with my anxiety. I feel like I'm waiting for that to happen again.
Congratulations Fishmanpa, hope it's a lovely ceremony. You're right, I need to trust him to feel safe. Feeling that he is honest with me, that he is on my side and believes in me, and that he will try and understand and help me out of my problems is what I want. Isn't that the basis of any relationship and what we yearn for as human beings? As far as him helping you with your problems? Being supportive is one thing but one must make a concerted effort to help themselves as well.
Oosh I think your questions are the right ones for me right now. I have bruised more easily than usual because I am in a bad place. He has indeed been perfect for months now, so it's new to me and I'm hurt by it. He just wasn't thinking and echoed my anger at my friends the day before but stronger - he probably thought he was helping me.
This is a telling statement and one you need to pay attention to.
He's been sensitive all the way through and his behaviour is not a sign of something more. He is as loving as always, as much as I let him be. I don't have it in me at the moment to laugh it off. I have tried to enjoy him, as you say, the past few days but I can't relax with him, I'm constantly on guard. Is time going to heal or is there something else I need to do? Getting help with your anxiety, seeking therapy to gain a better understanding of yourself would be the best way to remedy the situation.
I'm just so depressed to not have a job. I'm down most of the time. My last boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't cope with my anxiety. I feel like I'm waiting for that to happen again.
What you said above speaks volumes.... The last part being most important.
Often, when we're in a bad place physically, spiritually, emotionally or psychologically, we close ourselves to the world around us. Many times, whether it's intentional or not, we do things consciously or subconsciously to sabotage ourselves.
Time may indeed heal some of your hurt but it's probably deeper than that and will need some assistance to truly get to the bottom of the internal issues causing you to feel the way you do. Perhaps speaking to your GP about some kind of therapy of perhaps even meds to help you cope would be something to think about.
Positive thoughts
Well I think you've answered it all yourself. You're upset about your job, so easily bruised and you have insecurities in the back of your mind like "My last boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't cope with my anxiety. I feel like I'm waiting for that to happen again" and "I'm constantly on guard".
It's a lot going on and you're probably just feeling very hurt and upset so it's hard to tidy it all up and manage it rationally.
So one at a time.
Communicate to him you're upset about your job etc to explain you're a bit off (if you feel like)
Focus on feeling secure in a job again.
When you feel more secure and resilient take another snapshot of your relationship and see what you think.
Get that mood lifted. Exercise if you're into that kind of thing get your favourite tunes on. Focus on good things. Nobodies going to get anxious and nobodies breaking up.
Being out of a jobs rubbish, it's the first thing on your list so that's ok.
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