It's been a while.. anxiety peaking again because of my past

[OntheVerge]

Hey Guys!

So it's been a while since I've been here. Some of you may remember me from my HIV anxiety over minor/ low risk sexual activity incidents. I decided to take a step back for myself and see how my life has been altered completely with my obsession pertaining to my health.
Ever since I started listening to the facts and started listening to medical professionals I'm not perfect but I'm better.
There are times I freak out and think to myself I may be positive and sit up thinking about it, but at least now I'm off of Google checking symptoms.

I stopped spreading myself thin and looking for male attention and dedicated myself to one man who I let be my first. We were safe and I really don't regret any of it. I was comfortable able to laugh and he made sure I was ready. We were active shortly but then school ended and I left university he moved to another area for work and the next time I'll see him is back in September.
We agreed to spend time apart (though I wasn't all in favour of it) and just enjoy summer, because of our differences but I have no plans on being intimate with anyone else any time soon. We haven't spoken in almost a month though which is odd and sometimes I feel like he separated himself from me because he wants to be with other females while he's out of town, which kind of bums me out, but he really was a great guy to me so I don't feel like I made a mistake. And for the moment I just really am working on myself.

Since I've been home, I left my toxic situation at university with my roommates and the guys who I'd let use me I cut off as well.
Anywhom an ex who I was on and off with last year (We stayed friends after things fell out) and I really have been getting close again and there's no intimacy/sexual expectations, he lets me in and I can be open with him which is awesome. Recently though he dropped a ball that I didn't even know how to handle, he told me that when we were first dating and I performed fellatio on him blindfolded (idk we always did weird things like that) he recorded a 15 second clip of me doing it to him. I literally felt so many emotions; repulsed, infuriated, ashamed, and betrayed.

He tried to brush it off and told me it was on an old phone chip that's locked and he doesn't even use anymore, kept saying how it's dark and blindfolded so no one could even distinguish it was me. My first thought was to snap but surprisingly I kept calm, took a step back and thought how I could handle this calmly. I never have filmed my private intimate circumstances nor do I have plans to. What he did was a crime & unethical, so that's exactly how I delivered it to him (I've never seen this video so idek if he's just being a prick or if he was 100% serious either way it wasn't ok in my books & I have no proof it exists) I let him know if doesn't delete the video or if it ever surfaces I will take him to court/ the feds because that is just wrong on so many levels.

He's going into pro football and I really doubt he wants to risk his entire career spending time in jail and being blatantly sued by me because lord knows he has no case.

To me this was a huge moment that defined my character, how well I was able to keep calm and not completely tear him a new one was well handled. It also made me realize how stupid I was to trust some of the people I did this year which is why I've began to build a guard to protect myself from the scum of the world. Though he assured me the video was deleted once I said my piece my mind still trails, my heart is heavy and I always wonder what if it got out, what if we weren't friends and he tried to turn it against me?

I'm very spiritual and pray often but even prayer can't remove anxiety or the pits from your heart or stomach. Please anyone if you could offer me advice for the way I feel do.

---------- Post added at 20:22 ---------- Previous post was at 20:17 ----------

Also it makes me think what else people have lied to me about or haven't told me? Are there other videos I should worrisome of? I know I can protect myself in the future, but my poor choices of who I trusted in the past just put me on edge right now after speaking with him...

[Oosh]

That's rubbish, what a loser.

I don't like having things like that on my mind. We can find plenty of stuff to worry about as it is. You certainly don't need something like that on your mind.

It's not something you can just fix quickly either making it that much harder to carry around.

I don't think you can ever know for sure if he's got rid of it or if he's shown it anywhere. So there may be no solution that involves reassuring yourself that it's gone.

I think it just comes down to

1 make sure you express to him that if you ever find out he's shown it you'll make problems for him. Can you not get written proof in a text conversation or something, emails.

2 Easiest thing for you is to just get a handle on it so that you just don't care. I mean if he does ever do anything with it, show anyone you're not likely to know anything anyway. You'll be off living your life blissfully unaware while he giggles like a little school boy in the school yard.

You sound like you're off living your life already and doing ok. Just be too busy continuing to do that to care.

As long as you're living your life, going on your adventures and rolling with the punches you're living your life and you should be happy about that.

Laugh about it to yourself. This will be an anecdote you'll tell your friends at the other end of your life. And your friends will no doubt share their own versions and much worse ones.

It's not a biggy. Don't dwell on it. Forget it.

End of the day, anyone ever mentions it, it's not you *shrugs*

[OntheVerge]

Hi OOsh aka Dave :)


Trust me I have it in text! There's no way I'm letting him get away with dogging me out like that.
I feel like I could dwell forever but there's so much for me left to live that I know he doesn't deserve to get to me everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes we trust the wrong people and pay for it when we don't deserve to. I let him know what he did was legally and ethically wrong / that I will never trust him again. He's not a stupid kid (arguable) and if it were to ever come to it I would straight take him to the feds.

It's hard not to keep this on my mind but I try not to dwell too often on these things because I know that video (which I didn't even choose to make) is not a part of who I am or will be 10 years down the road. I was fairly risque with the kid and I regret it, I hope it just doesn't come around to hurt me/ haunt me in my darkest hour because my anxiety makes me horribly irrational and I fear how I may act on it.

Deny at all accusations, I love it. Lord knows there is no way I've ever getting kinky or adventurous with a guy especially when there are no serious grounds for trust, until we are married. This is some of the best yet light hearted advice I've ever received. Thank you so much for this :)

[Oosh]

Thank YOU. You've made my day by giving me such positive feedback like that. Thankyou.

[OntheVerge]

You helped me feel better about myself & the situation and if this is how caring you are with others I think you deserve all of the positive feedback in the world :)