Having a problem lately...

[StrayWookie]

with motivation I guess. Looking back at most of this year, which is now almost half gone, I have had this lacking.
Like the other day I got up, had a cuppa and bowl of cereal. A few smokes and a can of pepsi max thru the day. Had a shower in the afternoon. Dinner. Sat on this laptop all evening. Went to bed. That was a busy day!
It seems this has been me for most of the year, except on the days I have an appointment, or my volunteer comes to take me out for a walk.
This is not life. Not what life is for, or about. I even have trouble taking a shower regularly as I tend to get worked up and dizzy and panicky doing that, so I avoid it whenever I can, sometimes only having 1 a week.
I have been taking a xanax along with my anti dep's each morning for the last few weeks, simply because I am edgy about having another massive attack like I did a couple weeks ago, and I know that when i have xanax in me I am kind of dregged out most of the time. But seriously, this lack of motivation has been almost all year so far.
I have a studio set up in the garage where I paint and tinker and stuff, and I have not even been in there much at all, nor have I even done a painting all year! The majority of my day is spent sitting down, avoiding doing anything overly physical for fear of elevating my heart rate and breathing, thereby trying to avoid having excess anxiety all day or intense panic attacks. This has taken away the conditioning that I had built up by being more physical the last couple of years, so I am feeling so much more unfit, and being sedentary is not helping with weight gain. I think this year I have probably added 10 kilo onto my already overweight frame.
That plays on my head constantly. Even though I have perfect blood pressure, have had stress test and ultrasound of my heart and it is perfect, with no artery issues at all. My lungs are way above normal capacity, even though I am a smoker and have been for 26 years now. Resting heart rate is still in the high 50's to low 60's. Even pedalling on the exercise bike for 25 minutes only increases my pulse to 110-120. Nowhere near the 197 it reached on my last panic attack. I still cannot lose weight. I eat right, mostly, as I have always hated junk food. I do indulge in chocolate maybe once a fortnight.
What was I initially talking about on this post again? No matter I guess. I just hate feeling unsafe in myself. I hate knowing what I have to do, but not having the nerve, or the energy, to do it. I hate that all the professionals have told me I am healthy, yet I cant bring myself to exercise enough or just be damned physical enough thru the day to lose weight. I hate what my mind does to me, and what I do to avoid letting it do it.
Umm, rant over I guess. Hope you lot are doing ok, or at least aren't getting worse!

ps. Can't wait til the next ep of GoT. Having a week off has been maddening!

[hanshan]

Hi Wookie,

Hang in there, it's all okay. I spent a few years getting up late, just living. Anxiety was at the bottom of it, as I think it is with you. Most of what you do is trying to ward off anxiety or a panic attack, or whatever. For me, various fixes along the way got me back into the world, although that wasn't without its problems.

Two things - are you getting any on-going talk therapy, and are you happy with your medication? Talk-therapy doesn't have to be with a doctor or psychologist - talk with a good friend or person you trust is just as valuable. As for meds, pregabalin made a big difference for me, but there are other non-benzo/ADs in the pipeline.

Good luck and take care!

[StrayWookie]

Heya Hanshan. Yeah got a psych who comes to me as I am housebound and we are trying some stuff to rewire my brain, about every 3 weeks at the moment yeah. And like I said I have a volunteer fella who comes take me out once a week usually. Med-wise I am good, I do hate taking xanax though, usually only in emergency panic situations. Just been having one lately in the morning (midday or afternoons lol) due to being anxious about having another random act of massive panic.

True though, anxiety is at the core of it. And avoidance does nothing more than cause further issues. Anyone reading this please do not avoid if you can. It becomes far too comfortable yet counter productive at the same time.

[Mr.Jitters]

Something that helped me a lot lately while I've been trying to deal with avoidance: http://youtu.be/C-ZuqeyxULM

I think it could be applied to pushing on past any of the problems you're having at the moment. It may not, but worth a pop!

[hanshan]

Hi Wookie,

You're right about avoidance - it's a primary response in anxiety, but eventually becomes counter-productive. I think this is where discussing with the psych or whoever can be helpful.

Don't beat up on yourself if you need to take Xanax - eventually the time will come when you don't need it, or only occasionally. Can you cut down on days or doses?

[StrayWookie]

Cheers peeps :)

I hate anxiety. So so so much.