Embarrassment

[Ladym]

Does anyone else find the embarrassment at even the thought of having a pa in public makes it worse?
There are very few people I can comfortably spend any time with because I'm not worried about making a fool of myself in front of them.
As a result of this, my social life is about zero - even the thought of meeting up with other people gets that tightness in my chest started. I used to have a full social life, and was always really bubbly, the life and soul of the party. I can barely remember how that felt now.
I've tried to rationalise it - people worth having as friends wouldn't judge me, strangers are people I'll never see again etc, but as soon as I try to socalise, the fear of having a pa kicks in which leads to either having one or spending the whole evening acting like a duracel bunny on speed trying to keep one at bay.
Even having people round to the house causes problems.
I just want my life back. I want ME back - I miss her!
Hugs
Anna xxx

[bubblygirl]

I totally understand how you feel I'm exactly the same I always try to 'appear normal' in public and don't want people to notice anything different about me. Even in the doctors waiting room im a fidgit in my chair and i don't want people to notice. Just puts more pressure on us to try and beat it. I'm the same when family come round feel more anxious for some reason. Im afraid I'm not being very helpful. But I completely understand how you feel. I used to have a great social life was always out having a good time meeting new people but now I find it really awkward if I don't know someone because I know I've got to try and appear normal(if theres such a thing) Whereas with close friends they understand and I feel safer with them.

Sarah x x

[Lilith]

Anna, I understand exactly how you feel when you say "I want ME back." I have felt the same way. I started having panic attacks four years ago. I'm much better these days, but still not the same. I can remember the "me" who was so active and involved, and sometimes it amazes me. Even though I'm much better than I was a couple of years ago, things have changed, mostly because I lost contact with some friends and withdrew from a lot of activities.

That doesn't have to happen. I know it's hard to believe, but most people don't even notice when you're in the throes of an attack. And if you're in an intimate setting with close friends, where they can't help noticing, they'll understand. One of my worst panic attacks occurred on a small boat with my husband and another couple. The panic started shortly after leaving the dock and to make matters worse (MUCH worse!) we had engine trouble and were stranded for about an hour. I was able to go below deck and lie down but there was no hiding what was happening. These people are two of my best friends and they understood completely. I'm kind of glad it happened, because then it was out in the open and I didn't distance myself from them as I did with so many other people.

Best of luck to you. :)

[rosebud]

Hi

I understand how you feel. I wouldn't go to the works Christmas party this year coz i was worried how i would be. I was scared in case i had a P/A and made a fool of myself. I was upset that i felt i couldn't go coz i have no social life at all. I managed to go to a friends wedding in august but that was only coz my hubby went with me. I was panicky before i went but in the end i let my hair down and really enjoyed myself but that was only because my hubby was there and i felt safe. We really shouldn't worry what other people think but it is hard.
Traceyxxx

[samc100]

I felt embarrassed and ashamed when I found out I was having panic attacks.

I decided in certain circles e.g. my team at work that I would tell them what was happening as I had to take 2 months off work.

There were 5 in my team and each one came to visit me and each one told a story of their own incidents i.e depression, panic etc... I took great comfort in that affects more people than I realised so I try to remember if the worst happened I'd probably be surrounded by those who understand

[megsmom78]

I can totally relate. I have no friends and don't socialise for fear of a panic attack. I don't like visitors to the house either. It's a lonely nightmare. If i didn't have my kids and my mom i'd have hardly any face to face human interaction at all. Not much help to you but know what you're going through :bighug1: xx

[dally]

My husband has decided to have a BBQ Sunday. He knows it has thrown me into a tizzy. I am trying so hard to keep a lid on things.
My head is full of "what ifs" I am re-running embarrassing video clips in my head, where I am sitting in the corner of the room shaking and screaming like an idiot. Or having a major bout of ibs in our one and only toilet, that about 40 people will have to share!!!
I know through over 20 years of pa that the reality is NEVER as bad as the actual event. I just wish I could stop this Relentlessly stupid thought process.
I will be able to shut myself in my room for short periods if things get too bad, but I am scared that I have a major pa, which can last for hours, where I have major shakes and end up vomiting etc.

right now I just don't want this BBQ to take place. But I cannot and will not condem my husband to the life that has been forced on ME. He doesn't deserve that.

[Whiskey]

I agree with dally, the fear is worse than the event. Ive been off work for 4 weeks due to panic attacks and anxiety, I was given fluoraxtine of which im on day 28, its been hard I cant deny. The reason im posting is cos I feel the opposite and I just wanted to ask you guys to think about this. My way of socialising is this.....because there is always help when you need it. You could be in a pub, supermarket, city center, bus, cafe....infact anywhere, if you have a p/a there is always someone around so I feel safe and you never meet these people again so even if you had another on diff day, who will know? Thats my way of thinking and how I get out. Much love to you all xxxxxxx

[Tessar]

I relate alot to fears about being embarrassed in public. It doesn't help me that a couple of times I've had practical jokes played on me when I was growing up and then again it happened in my 20's. needless to say it was very unpleasant and left its mark. I don't so much worry about panicking but needing to have an escape route planned was something I wanted in place if I was out socially. I am much, much better these days and my fears have lessened through work I did in CBT.
I know what you mean about wanting "me" back and the good news is that you still have "me" inside you and you can get her back as well.
The way I did it was to brave doing things that felt scary & building it up gradually from there. It did take time but these days, with my best friends I am very comfortable when going out. Instead of spending days worrying about going out, i am able just to turn up & not think anything about it.its so much better now,
I confided in my closer friends how it was for me and that i was doing cbt. they have all been very supportive and kind. One of them, who didn't know about all this when I met her has often commented on how different I am now, how much more outgoing I am. After a while of knowing her I explained that I had issues about socialising and she just accepted it straight off. I couldn't believe how lovely she was and how happy she was for me to be her friend. That is quite a few years ago now and she jokes sometimes that maybe it would be better if I were quiet again. It is quite funny as I'll give her as good as I get !! This is incredible for me as when I returned for some more counselling this year, I was able to talk openly to this friend about it and one day when I bumped into her in the street, she even hugged me. I don't let many people do that as I feel ambivalent about physical contact but it felt very good.
So, Anna, believe me you can get yourself back to where you were and even do better than that. Do you have any social anxiety books or anything to read? I know of a good one if you are interested?
Also have you thought about something like CBT?
Honestly though, you can get better. All the best.