I feel so highly strung at the moment

[Milly23]

Hi everyone, I have never posted in this kind of forum before so sorry if my story is long winded and boring.

I am 32 and married with a 3 year old daughter and we live with my Dad. As you can probably imagine this is the source of most of my anxiety. My dad is incredibly suffocating and I feel like he is watching us 24 hours a day.
All my life there have been many problems and I feel that I am becoming more and more weighed down by them. I have no friends as I cut all of them off when I was in my 20's as I felt strange compared to them all moving on with their life and me stuck in a rut.
I have tried my best to stop talking to my husband about this stuff as his personality is the polar opposite to me (you could say, thick skinned :) ) as I started to realise that it was almost all we were talking about.
Most of my anxiety stems from me feeling like I am losing control of situations and recently my husband is starting something (work related) which I am certain will bring a conflict with my dad and I feel like I just want to scream.

I dont go out much as I just cant get up the motivation very much.
Most people would say just move out and I wish I could, but I am just such a coward and hate any confrontation. Also my dad is bearable and maybe even nice some of the time and he really has no one else and I dont think I can hurt him like that even though I am so unhappy.

I think he more than likely has anxiety as well but his personality is not weak like me so he dominates me by his mood swings.

I did have a crazy confrontation with him a few years ago and he started to behave himself, but its starting to wear off now and I dont know how much more I can handle
Thanks for listening just needed someone to talk to

[lior]

Hi Milly, welcome to No More Panic. People like reading each others' stories here - feel free to write any time. You will always get some support from people here - so many of us have had similar experiences.

Often people will tell you to get professional help or to go on drugs because that's what they are doing - but you do whatever is right for you.

From my personal opinion, it sounds like you are indeed in a stuck place. Something has to change if you are going to get out of this situation. What is it going to take? Do you need to confront your dad again? You know that this has worked before. How will you confront him? If you are really really stuck, getting help from someone like a counsellor could help you work things out.

It sounds like your dream is to move out of your dad's place. What else does that dream involve? Can you afford to move out? What else do you need to move out? Where would you like to be?

What else would you like to change? Would you like to go out more? Would you like to have more friends?

Why do you hate confrontation? I hate confrontation too. I watched this video recently though and it helped me:
http://www.ted.com/talks/margaret_heffernan_dare_to_disagree#t-48850

If you moved out, you would be happier. Your husband would probably be happier. And your daughter would be happier too, if her mummy was happier. Your dad might be a bit lonely. Don't you think he would be happier overall if you were happier? It's not like you would cut him out of your life if you moved out. You would have to leave your new house to see him though!

Maybe your first step is going out more. Just a walk in the park with your little girl. You never know, you might start to meet people too. There is so much out there. Last week when I really didn't want to leave the house, I watched this:
https://www.ted.com/talks/ben_saunders_why_bother_leaving_the_house
If that guy leaves the house to trek through Alaska, I can make it out to see old acquaintances!

Good luck and keep people updated of your progress!

[Milly23]

Thank you so much for your detailed reply.
Probably I do need to confront him again, but its like I need to be at breaking point to have the courage to confront anyone. Its hard to explain but when you live a certain pattern all the time you get used to living that way, sometimes we laugh or talk with my dad and in a way those times are the things that hold you back from moving on, its a sort of silly sense of loyalty I suppose.
My sister cut off ties with us over 10 years ago and I suppose since then I felt responsible to keep the family together.

After my sister did that I became a sort of recluse for years and thats why I cut off my friends. Although I dont have any friends apart from a couple of family members I have improved going out and I do feel good going out....its the coming back thats the problem.

We could probably just about afford to move out but not easily.

Sometimes I wonder would I be so much happier being out of this house and although I know that me and my husband would have problems, they would be our problems not ones constantly created by my dad.

Thanks again for the reply and for answering so thoughtfully

[lior]

Why is coming back from going out the problem?

That's difficult about your sister. Even if you don't live with your dad, you would still be family. Would you be able to live nearby? Even if you saw him every day, if you lived somewhere else, you would have a sense of independence that you might not have now.

I can't image the impact that your sister must have had on you for you to change so many of your relationships. If you reconciled with her, do you think you would change as a person?

I'll tell you about one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had to have. I am bisexual and had to come out to my parents - I was depressed partly because I was hiding it from them. I came out to them when we had just had a lovely day in the park. We were all in a good mood so it was easier to talk about it.

Maybe it's easier to talk about difficult things when you're in a good mood to start with? Rather than waiting til breaking point?

Is there a halfway step that can nudge you towards moving out eventually? Like, talking about the future or something?

[Milly23]

Hi again, thank you for sharing your story with me, i hope your parents reacted in the way that you wished for.

I just meant that sometimes when you leave an environment you are not happy in, it can be hard to go back.
Really what happened with my sister hit me hard , I was upset for myself and for my parents and we were just in shock, because even though we were never the happiest family it was still somewhat unexpected.

Its unlikely that we could afford to move anywhere near my dad as we live in london and the area is expensive. Honestly all I want is some freedom without feeling that he is breathing down our necks all the time. The problem is he doesn't have much of a life so he focuses on us all the time and it pressurises me.

Can I ask how you are getting on now, did telling your parents lift a great weight off you?

[lior]

Hmm so maybe he needs to think about himself some more. Does he have a circle of friends? It can be difficult as men get older socially if they don't have partners - even if they do have partners, sometimes.

I live in London too - it's not easy to afford houses anywhere. But there are still places that you might be able to afford. Peckham is probably the cheapest. I guess thinking about where a school is might be a consideration with your little girl.

Yes telling my parents lifted a great weight. It wasn't easy but it was worse before. My mum is slightly homophobic. My dad doesn't really care either way, except he believes same sex couples shouldn't have children; I'll cross that bridge if/when I need to. Mum doesn't want me or my brother to be bi so she doesn't like it, but she accepts it. It's difficult for her to get her head around. My brother suffers from it more because he pins more of his self worth on her approval, whereas I feel loved either way. I have kept a distance from her about my relationships because of her judgements though.

[Milly23]

Hi, hope you are well and thank you for telling me a bit more about your situation. It must be frustrating to hear some of your parents opinions, but hopefully given a little time they will come to fully support you.

No, my dad doesn't really have friends, my mum died in 2009 and that coupled with the issues with my sister have left him quite unsocial . He goes to work and goes shopping and that about it, we sometimes have relatives come to visit but he wont visit them and he becomes moody on days when me and my husband go to visit them and often tries to make me feel guilty about it. He has an attitude that everything he say and does is law so if he doesn't like to go to peoples houses then neither should we .
99% of the time all his petty complaints and guilt trips are placed on my shoulders, never my husbands even though most of the time it is my husband he is annoyed with. They get on for the most part, but my dad could find complaints even with a saint.
My husband is constantly looking for houses, but he is thinking of them more as an investment or somewhere to go if things go bad with my dad, than an somewhere to move into straight away as like me he is conflicted about leaving my dad on his own. My husband also pays money to my dad every month, so we are not living here free .