View Full Version : Sources of my unhappiness and stress
1. My grandpa died in February.
2. My grandma on the other side of my family died 8 days later.
3. The funerals were on the same day in different continents.
4. My mum started grieving her abused childhood following the death of her mother.
5. A s**tstorm of arguments and fallings out happened between my mum and her siblings in another country. My uncle acted horribly and nobody is speaking to him.
6. My dad does not talk about the death of his father, or seem to grieve for him at all.
7. I got loads more pressure put on me at work.
8. I got reprimanded for doing something wrong at work. I never, ever mess up, so that was a first.
9. I worked really hard.
10. I confronted my manager about being too harshly reprimanded and for continually oppressing my ideas.
11. I got made redundant.
12. I got flu.
13. I managed a really difficult event at work.
14. I applied for lots of work - not being sure if I would get anything.
15. I had interviews.
16. I didn't get the job.
17. I stopped talking to a friend for not supporting me.
18. My self worth dipped because I don't have work.
19. I had trust issues with my boyfriend.
20. My family didn't care they had booked a holiday over my birthday, so they won't see me on the day.
21. I confronted the friend about not supporting me - this is not resolved yet.
22. I confronted my boyfriend over the trust issue - also not resolved yet. This one will take some time.
23. I am very unhappy with my dad for being callous towards me about the holiday, and for deep problems we have in our relationship.
24. No matter how good I was at my job, I don't have a job now, and it's going to take some time to get a new one. I pin a lot of my self worth on work, so it's a bizarre time.
25. I also pin my self worth on how happy I can make other people, so I put in loads of effort to make things good for other people. When this doesn't work despite my best efforts, things seem pointless.
26. My last grandma had a heart attack. She'll be ok though.
27. She might not be ok.
28. She cries every day for my grandpa and that makes me sad.
29. My brother is verbally aggressive. He will take something I say and twist my words to make it into a conflict.
30. I'm meant to know about positive psychology but I'm still quite unhappy and stressed all the time.
31. I didn't talk to a friend after I couldn't manage to get three sets of friends into the same restaurant one night. Facebook is not a perfect place to arrange dinner plans. I spoke to her the other day and cleared things up. But she didn't sound like she really had forgiven and forgotten. She and her boyfriend were drama queens with no flexibility or patience, compared with the friends that were flexible and did end up coming out. She lost out in the end I guess - who's right or wrong is a grey area.
32. My room is a mess.
33. I have a ton of things to do. Books to read, jobs to apply for. I'm always behind schedule.
34. I don't feel like having sex and haven't done for a few weeks. This is having a negative impact on my relationship.
35. I am not fit. I am starting to go to yoga to deal with this.
36. I have to learn to drive. I am not enjoying it.
37. Being in dirty places stresses me out.
38. Anything I do is never good enough for my mother. Today I found out that trying to make her happy is not good enough either. I shouldn't be putting her first apparently, despite being guilt tripped every time I want to go out.
39. It will take me a very long time to save up enough, and to get a permanent job, in order for me to move out to buy a home.
40. What if I am not fertile and I'll never have children?
41. What if mum or I get breast cancer? (It runs in the family)
42. What if mum dies early? She is obese and has asthma.
43. What if I get suicidal again?
44. What if I get skin cancer? Or premature wrinkles from the sun?
Right, that was therapeutic! I think I might number my worries again. It would be good to be able to let go of all of these worries - at least the deaths of my grandparents and being made redundant from a job I loved.
How do you get over all this? It's quite a bit to cope with in a short space of time.
I enjoyed that. I feel like I've just taken a look inside your head !
All of your issues sound very normal.
You're able to pinpoint each thing that bothers you and for the most part understand it. Instead of it being jumbled up and you feeling crappy and overwhelmed and not knowing why ( don't say you feel crappy and overwhelmed and don't know why, you'll make me look like an idiot)
Normal life problems.
You're doing great.
I know you'll get lucky with one of your interviews soon.
A suggestion would be to have a go at "The Work" by Byron Katie.
She uses the 4 questions for beliefs and statements like you have listed. It's a way of seeing the truth behind each statement and belief we hold. I think it would be beneficial for someone like you who has done some of the work already by uncovering the statements they hold to be true.
http://www.thework.com/index.php (and go to 'Do the work' on the left hand side)
aaawww hunni. That is alot. I have been through some of the same things as you. I empathise with you as I lost my step mom is Jan to a brain tumour. I lost my great grandad when i was in year 9 the my nan on my dads side 3 weeks later. I can understand you Hun. I have also been through bullying and violent friendship.
your not alone Hun. Trust me, you have all the lovely people on this site on your side. I feel honoured to had been inside your head and now I and as well as others, can try and help you. Sending you a huge hug that is much deserved. :hugs: xxxxx
Thanks guys! It was useful for me. I'm glad you think it's normal :)
The Work sounds interesting inCOGnito... I'm looking at their website now. I designed a toolkit for wellbeing and there's some similarities. Except, mine involved superhero comics.
---------- Post added at 00:31 ---------- Previous post was at 00:23 ----------
So here's the worksheet of The Work minus all the backstory:
http://thework.com/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf
The thinking here is, what you see in others is actually a projection of yourself. And instead of trying to change the world, change yourself so that you become happy and at peace with how things are.
I appreciate this line of thinking, and I will do the worksheet to see what comes out of it. However, I believe that you CAN change the world. If we accepted how things are always, nothing external would change.
I am a designer - I change the world. I change the world to fit with my values: we should communicate more coherently, faster, more pleasantly. Things should be fair. We should empathise with others and treat them how they want to be treated. We should try to make this world a place where everyone can be collectively as happy as possible. We should all work together to make this happen.
If I accepted to change my way of thinking in order to be at peace with how things are, I would not change anything external - I would not have the drive or need to do it. I believe that I am making the world a better place for others through my actions. This is more important to me than being at peace just for myself. I will take the stress if it means that I feel like I am doing something good, and everyone else benefits.
Hi Lior,
Do you think you feel unloved, used and ignored?
This was something my Therapist asked me this week and it definitely made me think hard about the question. Maybe there is something in that? I know that if you feel happier and you are more contented with your life, you don't have the Anxieties so much.
I enjoyed reading your list and I think it is a good idea. It also helps you to understand the reason why you feel the way you do.
There is good reason.:ohmy:
I'm glad you found our comments and advice helpful. If you ever need anyone to talk too i will be around if you need it. I know how hard it can be. Trust me! I don't want anyone to feel they are on there own in anything xx
big hugs xx
Hi Carnation - I have felt like that in the past but I don't feel like that at the moment. I feel used by the place I used to work, and often ignored by my dad. But otherwise I do feel loved. I know there are people around me who are making an effort to help me.
Things will be better soon.
Things that might not be better soon:
1. My grandma's health
2. My job status
3. My bank balance
4. My friendship with the friend I fell out with - but it's more within my power to do something about this one
they may not get better soon. But you just learn to cope with it. Well not cope and the pain wont go away, but you just learn to accepted that things happen for a reason. Noting in life happens just because it does. Like with me, I got bullied for most my life. That happened for a reason to make me a stronger, brave person to be able to face up to anyone.
does that make sense or help you in any way? X
Hi Soph18,
Sorry you were bullied Soph18; me too. :( And you are right, it does make us stronger. But with me, there has always been that question at the back of my head. Is it me? Am I weak, do people find me repulsive and ugly? Your confidence gets knocked and you begin to doubt your abilities and so on. But as you get older, you become more resilient to this sort of behaviour and not waste time on these sort of people or stick up for yourself more. :)
thank you carnation. That means so much to me right now. It has been hard. I have been through a violent friendship too. That was even harder. I have trust issue now bad xx
thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me. I really appreciate it. Your not alone xx
inCOGnito: I tried The Work. Here's some of what came out of it:
I don't ever want Andrew to make me feel undervalued.
I don't ever want to believe someone is there for me when they fail to meet that expectation.
I don't ever want Dad to say he'll be there when he'll cancel, to forget my birthday, to allow me to feel totally unimportant.
Which apparently should turn into:
I look forward to Andrew making me feel undervalued.
I look forward to believing someone is there for me when they fail to meet that expectation.
I look forward to Dad saying he'll be there when he'll cancel, to forgetting my birthday, to allowing me to feel totally unimportant.
I don't feel that positive about The Work - the outcomes are suggesting that I should look forward to people treating me not very nicely. That would be a little masochistic and would be quite unhealthy.
It was useful to fill out a sheet with my feelings about those three people to frame things in a coherent way, but it wasn't useful for turning it around.
I think SOMETHING positive came out of it, it focused your thoughts a bit ?
I don't ever want Andrew to make me feel undervalued.
You need to feel valued.
Maybe that comes in the form of reassurance ?
You need lots of reassurance.
Communicate this to him.
"Im Lior, this is how i am so i need lots of reassurance and we`ll get on fine, ok?"
He understands, does what you need, it works for you.
I don't ever want to believe someone is there for me when they fail to meet that expectation.
It hurts YOU a LOT when people let you down.
It hurts everybody when theyre let down and people ARE let down all the time.
I cant see anyway to avoid being let down by people occasionally.
You have two choices -
1. withdraw and dont trust, that way you wont get hurt.
2. accept that you WILL trust everyone who SEEMS trustworthy because you have to accept you like rewarding relationships more than you want to avoid them for fear of being hurt.
BUT you accept and are ready for the odd, perfectly normal and everyday, bad egg to let you down occasionally. Accept it as a reality of life for you and everyone. But you are simply not willing to give up on all the positives in relationships because of this occasional drawback.
You could even minimize these incidents by communicating as best as you possibly can in advance to these people you let in.
"Im Lior, this is me, this is what i need. Now im checking and now im double checking, youre definitely coming arent you,"
Communication is good. They turn up OR they tell you theyre NOT turning up thus avoiding disappointment.
I don't ever want Dad to say he'll be there when he'll cancel, to forget my birthday, to allow me to feel totally unimportant.
I think dads a big one for you and if it could improve, would make you much happier.
Can you not arrange a small trip somewhere just you and dad ?
Arrange it however you have to. Wrap it up as a bit of something else but state you want dad to go with you.
Then tell him who you are, how you feel, what has really hurt and what you need from him. Hear his response, hopefully his response will be positive, he`ll understand and try his best to not let you down in future because now he knows how you feel.
If his responses arent immediately positive you have time and privacy to make him understand.
But i think most people on hearing this would make effort to not hurt that person again now that person has made such a big effort to communicate these precise things to them.
He has opportunity to let you down, instead of there being so much distance between you, now he understands completely how much this would hurt you, he makes better decisions for you.
You are blown away and an ultimately more happy person.
or
He lets you down again, kick him in the balls, lose his number. You gave it everything you had and he clearly has the emotions of a slab of concrete.
Get what you need from other people instead.
45. My friend Miriam had thyroid cancer; she had it removed but she hasn't had the all-clear yet.
46. My friend Chiara had a really bad run with men; she's been treated awfully and I hate to see her under confident as a result of their actions.
47. My friend Rohini sabotaged her birthday party by bringing up why we'd fallen out. It was because she wasn't there for me when my grandparents died, and I emailed her about it to confront her. Bad move from me, but at least a move. When we talked about it, we established she didn't really think she needed to be there - she expected my family and boyfriend would be there for me. She said she and our other friends are too self-absorbed to really be there at the level I expect (which is, making a point of meeting up when in grieving). Anyway, at her party she said it was the worst day of her life when she got that email. She talked about how she felt and walked away when I told her how upset she'd made me. She isn't willing to hear me, and I don't think we can recover from this situation if she can't listen in return.
48. My friend Hannah made me realise that there is so much going wrong in my life right now - family, friends, boyfriend, work, health. What's left in my life that's going smoothly? I have a roof over my head and financial security for the next few months. I'm very very grateful for that. Other than that, I haven't got much that's going well.
49. I still don't trust my boyfriend. We aren't having sex. I miss him but I can't open up enough to be intimate. I'm fearful and mistrustful. We talked about me kissing someone else in order to get closure on his actions.
50. My never ending to-do list.
51. I still don't have a job. Why not? What am I doing wrong?
52. My dad made a point of going on a walk with me and I told him some of the reasons why I don't really talk to him: mostly that he's pessimistic and he ignores me. He is making an effort but I don't feel that anything has changed in me. I don't know what I want out of him. I don't know what I want to change, so I can't ask for anything. He made time for me, but I don't feel a change.
53. I have a sense that everything is going wrong. This is overwhelming and depressing. Most days I have a normal amount of energy and I put a lot of effort into looking for work. Some days I'm starting to lose that energy. On Saturday I was hungover and didn't work at all - for once I took a proper weekend. I can't cope with the way that there isn't a stable area of my life - ok, apart from finance; money is the one stable area of my life. I know that it won't be stable indefinitely though, and it will only last for a few more months.
54. Despite my boyfriend being patient, my dad making time for me, and Rohini taking a forwards and a step backwards to sorting things out, I don't feel any joy. I should appreciate these things and feel happy that they are making effort for me. I don't feel like their efforts are working. I will need to forgive the three of them and I can't find the forgiveness inside me. Since I think of myself as a generous and good person, it's worrying me that I'm not able to forgive them.
You've previously said that you derive a lot of self esteem from your job. You have not found a new job yet so that's gonna be a factor for you and anyone.
I quite liked your mates response. She said you're unlikely to get the attention you need from her or them because they are a self absorbed bunch. That seems honest to me and explains it quite well. It's not good or bad, it's just true. It's nothing personal against you.
Your dad has given a little. But is it all a little too late now you are an adult ?
Problem now is you're all grown up and see him as another person with flaws. Is that attention really so special anymore ?
Although maybe it is. Maybe it's just not sinking in properly at the moment because your overall spirits and self esteem are dulled because you lost that self esteem boosting job and are yet to find another one.
Or maybe you don't feel the attention is genuine. It's hard to suddenly click and appreciate the attention from a person who you now know as someone who didn't naturally give it.
You still don't trust your bf. Do you not trust him because of the "watching the sunset with the other woman" thing or because he got involved with your friends thing and hurt your feelings ?
Which one can't you shake off or is it both.
I think I've read somewhere you saying you just want a companion (was it soul mate haha. Hope so or you'll be like "I did NOT say soul mate") who would be there for you at anytime for you to talk to, unload on, tell how you feel, TRUST.
Do you really have that in your life at the moment ?
Dad
I mean, regardless of the recent turn around by your dad he's not gonna be that person. Is he ?
Mates
Your mates are pretty self absorbed kind of mates, that happens. There are many people who say "well yeh I've got friends but they're not really close friends. We just drink/this/that together. " I've heard my own brother say it. Ie they're not friends who you can trust with your feelings. (If he read this he'd say "I did NOT say feelings !" But you get the idea)
BF
Regardless of whether open relationships are good/bad, you don't trust him so is HE that person for you, a soul mate you can 100% trust with your feelings.
Maybe you'll say he is. You've already said he's been perfect for you in the past that's why recent events left you feeling let down.
But you ARE saying you don't trust him so something's not right.
You know, you've had a lot of pain in your past. You've been through a lot. And have admitted part of you worries you'll be rejected by your bf due to your anxiety (was it ?)
Maybe this is all just you and how you feel.
After what you've been through this is how you feel in relationships today. And although not ideal, it's natural and understandable.
You need someone you feel you can trust. Trust doesn't come easily to you because you are aware you've had a lot of emotional upheaval in the past so it's worrying for you to trust people with that.
You're asking your friends to be that person for you, but just as people, they're falling short.
Your dads fallen short.
Does your bf fall short ?
I'm poking about in the dark a bit because I can't possibly know exactly what it is. Just a bit of feedback for you that's all.
It is a lot to cope with and there are a lot of things you can't do anything about or get answers to answer right now which is always frustrating.
But number 32 isn't one of them - you have complete control over that. Clear up your room - it will make you feel as if you have achieved something.
Haha thanks Brunette, thank goodness for number 32!
You know what - I have a serious problem. I just won $1000 in a competition for one of my ideas. It's not the first time I've won competitions for my ideas. I should feel really good about that. I do feel good about it.
I still feel like crying because I don't have the job I love. Winning this is like being offered a date with a celebrity but not being able to see your husband. I've got too much perspective on the situation! I should just be happy with my achievement. There might be a job at the end of it - so hopefully that will be my new husband...
Oosh, you're pretty uncanny - you hit the nail on the head 90% of the time which can even be a bit painful sometimes, but in a good way, like a deep back massage. You're right about my friends and my dad. Not sure about the boyfriend. I feel like I should be able to let go of what happened because it was a genuine mistake on his part, and he never meant to hurt me. I'm trying to find it in myself to forgive and move on but it's not quite working yet. Maybe it is just because I don't have a job so I feel insecure and unsafe. Maybe if I felt safer I could forgive everyone everything.
Until I get a job, I don't know what I can do to make my relationships better. I'm trying talking about things. If it's changing anything, it's changing slower than I can notice it.
Haha deep back massage, I like it, THANKYOU :D
No pain, no gain !!
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