Pressure from my Mum causing Anxiety

[Carnation]

Hi,

I wasn't sure where to post this thread, but My Mum doesn't think I am ill and doesn't understand what I am going through. I recently lost my Father and my Mum is on her own. I am the only Daughter; in-fact the only child, and although I am grown up now, I am still treated like a minor.

The fact is, my Mum is very lonely and sad now she has lost her Husband and she wants me to go round and stay with her all the time. I call her 4 times a day and see her 2 or 3 times a week, but it never seems enough and she is always saying I don't care or love her. She thinks I have made up this condition to my own benefit and no matter how much I try to explain, she just says pull yourself together and get on with it.

I can't drive anymore, due to serious panic attacks every time I try and she just doesn't understand. I tell her to see her friends and she won't. I tell her to call in on her neighbours and she won't. I've asked her to come and stay with me and she won't. She just keeps telling me she' s lonely and wants me to be with her all the time.

In the meantime, every time she does this, I get shooting pains in my body, cry, head pain and feel depressed and generally unwell. I don't want to hurt or upset my Mum, but she is making me ill. I just don't know what to do. According to my Therapist, my Parents have played a big part in my Anxieties, and now my Father has died and I have my Mother to look after who doesn't understand!!! I'm sorry this post is long, but tonight was so upsetting for me after a phone call from my Mum.

Has anyone on here have a similar situation like this??:weep:

[Annie0904]

I Haven't been in the same situation but I do think your Mum is putting too much pressure on you. I can imagine it is really difficult for her at the moment but you have a lot to cope with yourself. You are doing a lot for your Mum but she needs to meet half way on this and it doesn't seem like she is. You need time for yourself and you must think about your own health. Your Mum needs to make the effort to do more for herself and not rely so much on you.
I don't really know what to say as you have made all the suggestions to your mum but she is not accepting them. Don't let her make you feel guilty though as you need to concentrate on getting yourself well. :hugs::hugs:

[Rennie1989]

I think you both have it hard at the moment, your mother is grieving the loss of her husband/partner whilst you're struggling with your anxiety (and I imagine with the loss of your father too). The problem I can see is that you're both competing as to who has it the hardest which would inevitably cause stress on both ends.

Could your mother visit other family or join a support or hobby group? Being on your own 24/7 will send you mad eventually (in the loosest term) so she needs to get out and see other people but you. That way when you do visit her she has something different to talk about.

Also, why not try to be a bit assertive, explain that you understand that she is grieving and is lonely and how it must be hard for her but she needs to understand that life if a bit difficult for you too, and saying 'get over it' can come across as insulting. Don't be defensive or argumentative.

[Carnation]

Thank you Annie and Rennie,

Some good advice there and it was what I was thinking anyway.
It is a difficult situation and my Mum has become housebound in the last 6 months looking after my Father who was in the late stages of Parkinson's Disease. She has lost all of her confidence and just waits for me all the time to go round and see her. It puts a lot of pressure on me and I feel guilty about her being on her own.

I am sure it will sort itself out eventually, but I Worry because so many people say when they have lost their Husband, they give up themselves, stop eating and not want to live anymore. I am constantly worrying about this. At the same time, I cannot sit with her 24/7.

I will keep to my regular visits and phone calls, but I think I will also give myself a break and take a Holiday or two, if I can pluck up enough courage to travel on the Motorway, which is a huge Anxiety for me. And maybe in time, when she doesn't realize I will be there all the time, she will look for more friendships and company from others, otherwise the situation will break me. I will give it more time, but it does help to say all of this out loud. It feels like I have opened up the problem and I can look at it from outside in, as opposed to inside my head.

By the way Annie, I hope you are actually making the most of your Holiday and not spending all your time on this Site? Even though your help and comments are always appreciated, you must have some time to yourself.:)

[flossie]

You are both grieving the loss of your father. All of us grieve in our own way and go throught the process at different stages at different times which can cause problems within any relationship. Would it be possible for you both to attend CRUSE support together? Maybe this would then be an opening for your mum to then get support on an individual basis.
Having been in a similar situation myself I know that the partner left behind often needs to talk about their loss and as the child you don't need to hear it continuosly. If your mum won't go then it would be OK for you to get in touch with them on your own. They might be able to help you with your own loss and give you the support you need to help your mum.
I don't know if a counsellor would visit her at home mum isn't able to go out at all.
Age UK may be able to give you advice too. If you pop in and talk to the staff in the office they may be able to give you names or numbers of support. If your mum gets narky about you contacting people then tell her that you want to help her but your can't do it on your own and are grateful for any help at the moment. It will then be up to her whether to take it or not. It might be that she is not at a stage of moving on at the moment but knowing that others are there later will help when that time comes.

My condolences, by the way, on the loss of your dad.

[Carnation]

Thanks Flossie,

Some really good advice there. I spent today with my Mum and she said she's not ready for socializing yet and still grieving. We had a long chat and sorted a lot things out. I think also she regrets not having the chance to say goodbye, I was the last person he saw and she is forever asking me questions about him, which then upsets me. Its only been 5 weeks, so I there's a huge adjustment for both of us. It's just I am so sensitive and was dreading going to see her today and with the Anxieties as well. I have made such good progress lately and now I eel like I am going backwards. I think that is everyone's fear, to go back to being really bad again. And deep down, I am so worried I will lose my Mum as well and it will tip me over the edge. I am going to concentrate on having days out together rather than sitting talking about the past and dwelling on the subject too much. Hopefully it will improve in time. Thanks again for your advice.:)

[Carnation]

Afraid to say there is no improvement with my Mum, in fact she has got worse! She phones me constantly, wants to talk about Dad's death all the time, says she is lonely, won't go out, doesn't want other people to see her and wants me there all the time. It is now affecting my relationship with my Partner and making my Anxiety worse.
Don't know what to do, she makes me feel guilty and depressed, but I don't want to upset my Mum, but it is becoming impossible. Help! :weep: ( it's been nearly 4 months now).

[aprilmoon]

Hi Carnation
Can I first say how sorry I am about the loss of your Dad.
Its hard to lose a parent,whatever age you are.
I was also an only child,so have experience in coping without the support of any siblings,although my husband has always been great in helping me.
I no longer have my parents,but remember how when my Dad died,my Mum,who had always let my Dad make all the decisions, leant very heavily on me,and it was hard.
The best advice I can give you is to try and not feel guilty if you don't do as much for your Mum as she wants you to.You also have a life to live,and although you need to help and support your Mum,you also need to let her adjust to this new stage of her life,and begin to let other people in,and develop some new friendships and interests.
Don't feel guilty and depressed because you arnt ringing or visiting as often as she wants,if you step back,just a little,she may begin to want to interact with other people a bit more,which is exactly what she needs to do if she feels lonely.
Is there anything that she previously enjoyed doing,hobbies that she could get involved in,? Church social events etc?
You need to look after yourself as well, emotionally, and physically, if you are going to be there for other people,even if its someone as close as your mum.
Tell her that you love her very much,and want to help her,but that you are not very well yourself,and don't want to talk about your Dad all the time because you need to recover and get stronger too.
Then do just that.
Do you have a message facility on your phone that you could use occasionally to field the calls a bit?
It doesn't make you a bad Daughter to do that,you're only human,and hopefully it will take some of the pressure off you and your partner.
Is there anyone else in the family that she really gets on with that you could take along to see her while you leave them alone for a while to chat?
Look after yourself too hun,and stop feeling guilty if you can't give 100% of your time to your Mum,she needs to reach out to others as well and engage with them in this new chapter of her life.
Best wishes.

[Carnation]

Hi Aprilmoon, You have no idea how much your reply has calmed me down. I am also sorry for your parents. Yes, being an only child really does put pressure on you and my Dad did everything until his Parkinson's got really bad. I think I am running to every whim at the moment and panic when she phones because I think she might have fallen or something terrible has happened. (In my previous posts I mention that I worry, worry, worry!). And, I have got in to the habit of staying with her for 2-3 days a week, which is not helping me and I am probably not helping Mum with trying to do things for herself. But, it's not easy. I feel like I have abandoned her if I don't see her, but my Partner is not happy with this. She knows I am a good Daughter, so I don't feel guilty about taking time out for myself, I just need to find a happy medium. I am still trying to get use to not having a Dad around too. We had a chat tonight about stuff and I have had to put my foot down about certain things. Like; Talking about Dad's Death everyday, calling me up 5-6 times a day and not trying to do anything for herself. My Mum was a Manager in a Charity Shop for 25 years and I did ask her if she wanted to go back as a volunteer, but she wasn't keen. She said the days of going to clubs and social events are behind he now. But I do worry about her being lonely. She has two Sisters that live in a different County and most of her friends have died or moved. I am trying to think of something that she could do or somewhere where she could go, but it is difficult. My Mum is a Catholic, but does not attend Church. She likes to go to Shows, but that can become expensive and I would have to go with her. I am trying to organize a reunion of her old work colleagues with the hope that something may come out of it. It is difficult, because when my Dad had Parkinson's, both our lives were on hold for the last 6 months as we could not leave him.
I really appreciate you taking time out to look at my post, I know you have your own problems, so it means a lot to me. Most people I know have Brothers and Sisters, and it just feels such a burden when you are the only one. Thank you. x