What4
09-06-14, 00:47
I apologise in advance for the long entry.
This seems kind of weird for me because I feel like I'm speaking on behalf of someone else, and I guess I am when I say this. A part of me died a long time ago, and when I say a part of me I mean my spirit or soul. The person that I was, is not the person I am now. This has caused me a lot of heartache thinking of the family. I feel that I have deprived them of a true son. It also makes me feel sad because I truely am alone. I have no one who knows I exist and was birthed by no one. I came about in a pre-existing shell. Am I a different soul. Or, a reoccurring soul that comes about in cycles switching from time to time. I don't know. ((when I say soul, that's just the poetic expression for the thing that makes me me. So I feel that this thing that makes me me, has changed, that now makes me not me. And sometimes I wonder if this is cyclical.
The me that I am now:
I hate life. I hate people. I hate the government. I hate the elite class. I have a thousand things I hate, unable to focus on the good or what little of it I see. I despise my very existence. I'm arrogant and can't stand chit chat or generally anything that isn't dealing with the abstract. I'm too logical and literal. I guess I've got an super large ego because I believe I'm brilliant at everything, or at least know how to very quickly to become brilliant at something. I'm also a narcissist through and through, although I don't see this as a bad thing as I believe everybody on a fundamental level, are just out for themselves. Yes, I'm a nihilist, pessimistic ass with an existential crisis.
The other person was different, and I'm not even sure if he was the real me, or if I'm the real me. I think the real me was lost even further back. Now I'm just this shell that has to bare witness to reality and burden this experience. I don't think I have multi-personality disorder in the typical sense, but I do have conflicts of interest, which in some sense is like two personalities but I'm not a qualified doctor. The other guy however was really good at maths, and me not so much. I guess I can do it if I put effort into it, but I tend to be more lazy. That person that I use to be, had a strong will, determination and saw only the good. That person tried to save the world. All the bad in it and that personality wanted to make a difference. Where as me, I'd blow it up if I had half the chance. I'm not sure if any part of me disputes this any more. Don't worry I won't be doing anything rash. Only like, in a situation like where I could press a button and nuke the world, then yeah I'd do that, but I mean that's as far as I would go. Anyway back in the real world, I'm just waiting to die. I'm not really confident on the suicide thing as I can't say for sure, it's not some sort of sin, regardless of god or no god, and I am of the scientific community, which I guess means I have faith in common sense, so I have no religion. I'm comfortable with my understanding of reality, but that doesn't mean it'll make me happy. Like, I'm sitting here like "whaaaaaaaat" 24/7. I seriously don't know what to do. I hate being this way, which is severely unproductive. I feel without a cause and would just like to die in piece. That I'm told is unacceptable so I'm waiting to die. That hass been my treatment. "awh that's bad", please continue waiting to die. All I want is the government in the UK to let people have the right to die. That way by some authoritative power I can do so in peace in a safe environment in which preparations could at least be made.
I'm gonna presume nobody can offer any suggestion or help on the situation which is fine. I've been to the seen multiple doctors, counsellors, and a bunch of other medical types. I guess I'm just shocked that the doctors I've seen haven't really done anything besides referring me onto a different department, or back to the doctor, or to another different department, or back to the doctor. Three years of this has literally killed a good part of my will that might have been salvageable back then but today it seems dim and prescribed drugs in the past have made my head all screwed up as you can probably tell. Now doctors act as if I should get lost because I don't want to take drugs, and would prefer nature methods of getting help. I guess I'm really just wanting to confirm that this is normal and that there is no help for me. Because i feel crazy with hate towards doctors and had even become afraid of heading to see the doctor due to miss placed trust in them. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one and that's that. Even though this started with them.
Please help.
This seems kind of weird for me because I feel like I'm speaking on behalf of someone else, and I guess I am when I say this. A part of me died a long time ago, and when I say a part of me I mean my spirit or soul. The person that I was, is not the person I am now. This has caused me a lot of heartache thinking of the family. I feel that I have deprived them of a true son. It also makes me feel sad because I truely am alone. I have no one who knows I exist and was birthed by no one. I came about in a pre-existing shell. Am I a different soul. Or, a reoccurring soul that comes about in cycles switching from time to time. I don't know. ((when I say soul, that's just the poetic expression for the thing that makes me me. So I feel that this thing that makes me me, has changed, that now makes me not me. And sometimes I wonder if this is cyclical.
The me that I am now:
I hate life. I hate people. I hate the government. I hate the elite class. I have a thousand things I hate, unable to focus on the good or what little of it I see. I despise my very existence. I'm arrogant and can't stand chit chat or generally anything that isn't dealing with the abstract. I'm too logical and literal. I guess I've got an super large ego because I believe I'm brilliant at everything, or at least know how to very quickly to become brilliant at something. I'm also a narcissist through and through, although I don't see this as a bad thing as I believe everybody on a fundamental level, are just out for themselves. Yes, I'm a nihilist, pessimistic ass with an existential crisis.
The other person was different, and I'm not even sure if he was the real me, or if I'm the real me. I think the real me was lost even further back. Now I'm just this shell that has to bare witness to reality and burden this experience. I don't think I have multi-personality disorder in the typical sense, but I do have conflicts of interest, which in some sense is like two personalities but I'm not a qualified doctor. The other guy however was really good at maths, and me not so much. I guess I can do it if I put effort into it, but I tend to be more lazy. That person that I use to be, had a strong will, determination and saw only the good. That person tried to save the world. All the bad in it and that personality wanted to make a difference. Where as me, I'd blow it up if I had half the chance. I'm not sure if any part of me disputes this any more. Don't worry I won't be doing anything rash. Only like, in a situation like where I could press a button and nuke the world, then yeah I'd do that, but I mean that's as far as I would go. Anyway back in the real world, I'm just waiting to die. I'm not really confident on the suicide thing as I can't say for sure, it's not some sort of sin, regardless of god or no god, and I am of the scientific community, which I guess means I have faith in common sense, so I have no religion. I'm comfortable with my understanding of reality, but that doesn't mean it'll make me happy. Like, I'm sitting here like "whaaaaaaaat" 24/7. I seriously don't know what to do. I hate being this way, which is severely unproductive. I feel without a cause and would just like to die in piece. That I'm told is unacceptable so I'm waiting to die. That hass been my treatment. "awh that's bad", please continue waiting to die. All I want is the government in the UK to let people have the right to die. That way by some authoritative power I can do so in peace in a safe environment in which preparations could at least be made.
I'm gonna presume nobody can offer any suggestion or help on the situation which is fine. I've been to the seen multiple doctors, counsellors, and a bunch of other medical types. I guess I'm just shocked that the doctors I've seen haven't really done anything besides referring me onto a different department, or back to the doctor, or to another different department, or back to the doctor. Three years of this has literally killed a good part of my will that might have been salvageable back then but today it seems dim and prescribed drugs in the past have made my head all screwed up as you can probably tell. Now doctors act as if I should get lost because I don't want to take drugs, and would prefer nature methods of getting help. I guess I'm really just wanting to confirm that this is normal and that there is no help for me. Because i feel crazy with hate towards doctors and had even become afraid of heading to see the doctor due to miss placed trust in them. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one and that's that. Even though this started with them.
Please help.