Wedding in 6 weeks - breaking down

[jimbobrooney]

Hello everyone

I have had anxiety for years and its usually manageable. I always mange interviews and even a few presentations. However i am getting married in 6 weeks and am just petrified. I wake every morning feeling sick, cannot eat or sleep well and am falling apart. I have lost loads of weight and the suit will fall off me if i keep going like this.

First the worry was my speech but after discussing it with my amazing fiance, she said she wont let me do one as its causing me so much grief and we will do a slideshow with pictures instead.

You would think this would fix me but no, now i am worried about what people will think when i dont give a speech, will thye all frown and be disappointed in me and will my deceased father be disappointed in me if he were here....

I live in Ireland so the groom almost always speaks, not always though . I was at a wedding one time where hte best man didnt speak and i barely noticed :-)

I am gone so bad now, im worried that i wont even be able to say "i do" at hte alter - in a very bad way.

Can anyone help ??

[blueangel]

OK - if you don't do a speech, what's the worst that can happen?

* nobody will die
* nobody will suffer
* one or two people might think it's a bit odd/unusual - but none of us can ever control what other people think (which is a good job, as I would have been locked up long ago :))

The idea you've got of doing a slideshow is really good. I went to a wedding a few years ago where the best man had made a short film rather than giving a speech. It was brilliant and everyone there loved it.

Enjoy your wedding!

[jimbobrooney]

Thank you for that.

yeah i know , thats what my family keep saying .Dont say anything if i dont want to and one or two will prob say why didnt i speak but all the others wont care and will just be glad to be there.

AAgh - this anxiety is so bad!!

[MRS STRESS ED]

Hello jimbobrooney dont be so hard on yourself love ,im sure people wont think bad of you its a speech not life or death and its yours and your wife to be big day so do it how you both want ,not how people expect ,and if im right in saying it will be family and close friends surely they will understand ,its suppose to be a wonderful day so enjoy it forget about the what ifs love ,and I bet your dad is the proudest dad looking down at you xx

[jimbobrooney]

yeah its family and friends but also people that i wouldnt be very close to but are still family.

I just to enjoy the day, my finance is so amazing - she said she will tell everyone that she wouldnt let me make a speech cos she thinks they are boring . I hardly deserve her and she shouldnt have to put up with this mess i am creating for myself

She is nervous too and everyone will be looking at her as the bride is always the focus of attention. I just cant bear the thought of me disappointing people and not able to deliver the "expected" speech from the groom

I just want to enojy the day, have champagne and kick back with my wife - not be stared down by 200 people

[summer.wolf]

Bless you. At the end of the day the wedding is YOUR day for the two of you. When my husband and I married none of his family came! So if a few people you aren't close to anyway can't cope then at least know your close family and wife support you. You probably will hardly see these people and the ones you will see will be with you and support you. You're getting married for you. Not a spectacle for others. Hope it helps. X

[jimbobrooney]

Bless you. At the end of the day the wedding is YOUR day for the two of you. When my husband and I married none of his family came! So if a few people you aren't close to anyway can't cope then at least know your close family and wife support you. You probably will hardly see these people and the ones you will see will be with you and support you. You're getting married for you. Not a spectacle for others. Hope it helps. X

yes thank you but a wedding is often seen as a spectacle for others im afraid

[spuder]

I say if they can't understand y u can't do a speech stuff the lot of them it's you and your fiancé big day u can do what u want they haven't payed for it. A slide show will be lovely and I know if I was there I would think how brilliant that is to share a slide show with the people u love. Remember if people start on you kick them out u r in control Hun good luck for your big day hope it goes well wishing u and your fiancé all the best for the future hope the sun shines and it's just a magical day for u both xxxxxxx:hugs:

[jimbobrooney]

I say if they can't understand y u can't do a speech stuff the lot of them it's you and your fiancé big day u can do what u want they haven't payed for it. A slide show will be lovely and I know if I was there I would think how brilliant that is to share a slide show with the people u love. Remember if people start on you kick them out u r in control Hun good luck for your big day hope it goes well wishing u and your fiancé all the best for the future hope the sun shines and it's just a magical day for u both xxxxxxx:hugs:

Thanks - beginning to feel better about it now :-)

Ye are great on this forum .

[MRS STRESS ED]

I say if they can't understand y u can't do a speech stuff the lot of them it's you and your fiancé big day u can do what u want they haven't payed for it. A slide show will be lovely and I know if I was there I would think how brilliant that is to share a slide show with the people u love. Remember if people start on you kick them out u r in control Hun good luck for your big day hope it goes well wishing u and your fiancé all the best for the future hope the sun shines and it's just a magical day for u both xxxxxxx:hugs:

Lol spuder you couldnt have said it better like it ,you should listen to this advice jimbobrooney xx

[jimbobrooney]

Lol spuder you couldnt have said it better like it ,you should listen to this advice jimbobrooney xx

yep - couldnt have said it better!

[spuder]

Awww thanks I just saying it how I see it.

---------- Post added at 12:21 ---------- Previous post was at 12:19 ----------

Hope my advice was ok for u. Mrs stress ed thanks I love giving advice

[swgrl09]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :)

I was really nervous leading up to mine but on the actual day it was like nothing mattered. No stress at all! And being up there with my (now) husband, I thought I would be nervous saying vows and what not but I didn't even notice the other people watching. You will be so focused on your bride that the rest won't matter!

Have a wonderful wedding!! Enjoy it :)

[aprilmoon]

Hi Jumbo
Please don't let this get in the way of enjoying your day,because really,in the grand scheme of things,nobody is really going to be that bothered.
I can honestly say,in the weddings I have been to,if I had to recollect,I wouldn't be able to tell you who gave a speech or not!
People aren't there to give you a hard time,they're there to see two people that they love tie the knot.
And if there is any odd person that says anything,and I doubt that there will be,just let it go over your head,or make a joke about it,and shame on them for even bringing it up.
Have a wonderful day,and best wishes to you both :).

---------- Post added at 13:42 ---------- Previous post was at 13:38 ----------

Sorry JIMBO!! Lol
Its this predictive text :D

[jimbobrooney]

Less than 2 weeks to go now and really having a tough time. Was at a very large wedding yesterday -360 people and I was nervous through the whole thing cos I was thinking of my own. Everyone I met kept staying 'ye are next' and 'have you the speech written'. I was a nightmare

Woke up this morning in total dread of my own day which is August 2nd. I feel I can't go through with it , I want to get married but the whole crowd thing I freaking me out. I'm very shaky at the moment and convinced that I won't be able to light the candle at the start of the mass cos my hands will be too shaky. Also worried that my leg will be shaking and people will see it

Should I get inderal ?

[Mandyk]

God how this reminds me of my own past, I ended up on medication to control the shakes over my wedding but I had underlying problems it wasn't just anxiety. Although it helped get me through the day at that time, I remember feeling numb and un-emotional.

My only advice is if you don't feel able to do it then don't do it, go with your instincts. Do not put your mind and body though it, it's not worth it. I think the idea of just doing a slide show is lovely and says it all without having to talk.

If you feel like it's getting worse please see you GP and get some help to manage things, so you can start feeling more relaxed.

Hope that helps.

[jimbobrooney]

Oh I'm Defo not doing a speech. We are having one speaker from each side

What I'm talking about now is the ceremony itself and lighting candles etc

[Mrs Panda]

I can understand how you feel. I got married almost 7 years ago now and I honestly did not know how I was going to get through the day. Back then my anxiety was really bad because I had a fear of not making it to the toilet in time (due to IBS). I had to arrange everything around close proximity to a loo. I was terrified of the drive to the church....what if I couldn't hold my bowels until I got to to a toilet....there were none on the way either and it was less than a 10 minute drive.....I was so scared that I would ruin my white dress and would have to face all those people!!!!! Aaarrggghhhhh!! Of course on the day everything went smoothly, I took a tranquilliser or two and it kept me calm enough to even make a speech of my own at the reception :) So I understand how scary a big day like that is. So many people have a fear of public speaking. My suggestion to you is....get everyone drunk beforehand and they won't notice ;) haha! Seriously, people will understand and no one will mind if you do or don't make a speech. It's your day....do what you want and don't worry about what others will think. I know it's hard.....but speaking from experience, if you spend all your energy worrying, you will miss the best day of your life! :)

[jimbobrooney]

Thank you for that, good post

What did you take to help calm down? I feel if I have a few whiskeys before the ceremony then I should b fine

Our backs will be to the people so that should help. I have never had a panic attack but these thoughts are just killing me and I am very worried about actually ruining my day with worry

[Mrs Panda]

My gp prescribed me something called Kalma (not sure if that is available outside of Australia).... But it's similar to Valium .... Have you heard of that? If you do get tranquillisers, make sure you test out the dosage before the wedding day as some can make you quite drowsy. But most tablets you can just cut in half and take half the dose. If you get the dose right beforehand you will feel more confident on the day. I'm sure it will go amazingly well :) Most people kept telling me how calm I looked....in my head I was like...are you friggin kidding me?? Haha :)

---------- Post added at 23:11 ---------- Previous post was at 23:03 ----------

Btw... I like your slideshow presentation idea. That is beautiful. These days people often like to do something different anyway, so it won't seem unusual. What if you video yourself making a speech in your tux (in the comfort of your own home...or you and your fiancé could even go to the reception venue and record it there so it looks more 'real and in the moment') and add that to the slideshow? You could always have that as a back up so if on the day you decide you can't do the speech, then no worries....here's one I prepared earlier!! :D

[jimbobrooney]

Thanks , the speech thing is pretty put to bed at this stage. Won't b putting myself through the torture of doing one , it's not worth it for me. People won't even notice anyway

Did you find the ceremony hard ? Being up there in front of everyone

[Mrs Panda]

You know what? An amazing thing happened to me that day. I was soooo nervous when the car got to the church and I just wanted to get out and run in there and get it over with, but the photographer wanted to do photos etc...then right by the car door on the ground someone had dropped a little bead bracelet with the word 'PEACE'. It was like a sign....just for me :) The moment I stepped into that church and saw my husband to be standing at the alter....everything else just faded away :) No more nervousness.... It really was amazing. It will be the same for you too!

---------- Post added at 23:27 ---------- Previous post was at 23:26 ----------

And...we were up on a little stage facing everyone!!

[jimbobrooney]

You know what? An amazing thing happened to me that day. I was soooo nervous when the car got to the church and I just wanted to get out and run in there and get it over with, but the photographer wanted to do photos etc...then right by the car door on the ground someone had dropped a little bead bracelet with the word 'PEACE'. It was like a sign....just for me :) The moment I stepped into that church and saw my husband to be standing at the alter....everything else just faded away :) No more nervousness.... It really was amazing. It will be the same for you too!

---------- Post added at 23:27 ---------- Previous post was at 23:26 ----------

And...we were up on a little stage facing everyone!!


Oh fear god! Facing everyone must have been hard but as you say you got through it

We are meeting each other for photos before the ceremony also so that should Defo kill some nerves.

[Mrs Panda]

Your fiancé sounds very loving and supportive :) Once you have her by your side on the day you will be able to get through anything! I look forward to your report after the wedding telling us all how great is was and how you got through it without any worries. All the best to you both and wishing you a lifetime of happiness! :)

[jimbobrooney]

Thank you. Will report back in 2 weeks !

[jimbobrooney]

woke up this morning feeling very negative altogether. Was telling my fiance , i dont know if i can go through with it or not due to the fear of the day (i have no fear of getting married, she is hte one for me)

so she said if i cancel it then we are finished and will move out.

Why cant i make myself happy to be getting married to the woman of my dreams ??

[Mrs Panda]

Oh dear that sounds rough. I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves because of what society expects and thinks is acceptable/unacceptable. It really sux!

I seriously wanted to elope...but I promise you that you will get through it. Anxiety makes us build up big scary scenarios in our head that never happen.

What is your best man like? Do you reckon you could share your fears over this with him? Perhaps take a few people along to the church in the next few days just to get yourself used to the surroundings. Perhaps try standing up at the alter for a few minutes just to get used to the feeling of being there.

Sorry, you are probably getting sick of my silly suggestions. I just really want to help, because I know what you are going through.[COLOR="blue"]

[jimbobrooney]

Oh dear that sounds rough. I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves because of what society expects and thinks is acceptable/unacceptable. It really sux!

I seriously wanted to elope...but I promise you that you will get through it. Anxiety makes us build up big scary scenarios in our head that never happen.

What is your best man like? Do you reckon you could share your fears over this with him? Perhaps take a few people along to the church in the next few days just to get yourself used to the surroundings. Perhaps try standing up at the alter for a few minutes just to get used to the feeling of being there.

Sorry, you are probably getting sick of my silly suggestions. I just really want to help, because I know what you are going through.[COLOR="blue"]

best man is my brother, a good guy but wouldnt understand why i am so nervous. I have been to the church with my fiance a few weeks back.

You will prob find this surprising but to try and boost my confidence i have volunteered to do the readings at my local church at 8am mass (im not very religious but i thought this might help) - i did the reading there this morning at a pulpit and got on fine. I had to walk up in front of about 60 , very big church , say the reading and come back.

Is the wedding ceremony much harder than doing something like this ?

[Mrs Panda]

Wow that is incredible!! We'll done :) That sounds way harder than a wedding. There isn't nearly as much speaking during the ceremony as the priest does most of the talking and so do the readers. Also, most of the attention will be on the bride....you know because of the big white dress and stuff haha....so if you can get through a reading during the mass like you did this morning, you have nothing to worry about :) Also you don't have to walk down the aisle with everyone looking at you! (I so much would have preferred to have been the groom at my wedding haha).

[jimbobrooney]

Wow that is incredible!! We'll done :) That sounds way harder than a wedding. There isn't nearly as much speaking during the ceremony as the priest does most of the talking and so do the readers. Also, most of the attention will be on the bride....you know because of the big white dress and stuff haha....so if you can get through a reading during the mass like you did this morning, you have nothing to worry about :) Also you don't have to walk down the aisle with everyone looking at you! (I so much would have preferred to have been the groom at my wedding haha).

Thanks. i had imagined the wedding to be much much worse as i ahve to be up there at the front (even though our backs will be to the people)

I have driven my fiance around the bend to the point of a breakdown, its soooo not fair on her.

Im not worried about the speaking at the wedding to be honest, im just worried about having hte shakes so bad that i cant stand straight or light the candle (part of the ceremony)

And p.s. i know walking up the aisle is the real hard part

[Mrs Panda]

I understand what you are saying....but remember that you won't be alone up there. If you are worried about your hands shaking, perhaps you could both light the candle together, like the bride can have her hands over yours....this is the beginning of a lifetime partnership so it could symbolise you two doing it as a team. As for not being able to stand straight, you could have your arm around the bride for support....and because you love her ;)

[jimbobrooney]

I understand what you are saying....but remember that you won't be alone up there. If you are worried about your hands shaking, perhaps you could both light the candle together, like the bride can have her hands over yours....this is the beginning of a lifetime partnership so it could symbolise you two doing it as a team. As for not being able to stand straight, you could have your arm around the bride for support....and because you love her ;)

Yeah i suppose i could. People would think its "romantic" even though my reason for it would be so i wont collapse :-)

I have one of my groomsmen alerted to the fact about the candle - he said he will come over if i have trouble and help me out. Surely this would be enough to calm me down but no.....

[Mrs Panda]

If you are that worried, just make a back up plan for everything that concerns you. It's hard not to worry I know. Bet you wish you could just fast forward to the honeymoon right now hey? :)

---------- Post added at 21:27 ---------- Previous post was at 21:22 ----------

Also, people expect you to be nervous on the big day. We had a little issue with the best man not being able to undo the knot in the ribbon to get the rings off the ring pillow...he made a joke, everyone laughed and it really broke the tension. If something little goes amiss it's not the end of the world, it will just be something you can laugh about later and tell the grand kids about ;)

[jimbobrooney]

If you are that worried, just make a back up plan for everything that concerns you. It's hard not to worry I know. Bet you wish you could just fast forward to the honeymoon right now hey? :)

---------- Post added at 21:27 ---------- Previous post was at 21:22 ----------

Also, people expect you to be nervous on the big day. We had a little issue with the best man not being able to undo the knot in the ribbon to get the rings off the ring pillow...he made a joke, everyone laughed and it really broke the tension. If something little goes amiss it's not the end of the world, it will just be something you can laugh about later and tell the grand kids about ;)

If i was on honeymoon right now - i would be in a dream world :-)

Do you think i should take a benzo on the day ? dont have experience of them but thye might help ?

Or would 1-2 small whiskeys suffice

[aprilmoon]

Hi
Have you spoken to your doc about this?
He would be the best person to advise on any meds to help.
I'm sure it won't be the first time he's been asked :)

[Mrs Panda]

I have no experience with alcohol so can't help you there I'm afraid. Do you have benzos? If so perhaps try taking one or half of one just to test out how they make you feel ....before the wedding day. I think the info leaflet that comes with benzos says that alcohol can increase the effect or something so maybe a good idea not to mix the two.

[jimbobrooney]

I have no experience with alcohol so can't help you there I'm afraid. Do you have benzos? If so perhaps try taking one or half of one just to test out how they make you feel ....before the wedding day. I think the info leaflet that comes with benzos says that alcohol can increase the effect or something so maybe a good idea not to mix the two.

yeah , doc gave me lexaton. 1.5 mg

Took half of one a few weeks ago and didnt really notice anything to be honest

[Mrs Panda]

Hmmmm....don't really know what else to say. Sorry :( But we are here if you need somewhere to just vent before the big day.

[jimbobrooney]

Hmmmm....don't really know what else to say. Sorry :( But we are here if you need somewhere to just vent before the big day.

might take a full one 2nite and see how it feels

[nursegreenwhippet]

I must say I wouldn't even notice if there was not a speech at a wedding - I thought the best man usually says something boring at some point when he's drunk.
The only 'speech' I remember was actually a short slide show that was brilliant and really funny, it was a cartoon animation.
I bet most people are bothered about what they themselves look like and what they are doing. I always worry about people watching me eating and I would definitely not be worried about a speech.
Good luck

[Mrs Panda]

http://iamstaggered.com/bestman/what-to-do-if-you-are-a-nervous-groom/

[jimbobrooney]

http://iamstaggered.com/bestman/what-to-do-if-you-are-a-nervous-groom/

This part is spot on

"Rather, the anticipation of one’s own perceived failure in a given situation is the catalyst for a negative response to it .In other words, it isn’t the congregation heckling you that’s causing you to fall apart, but your fear of such a potential event."

[wabbit1]

Not got great advice but I can imagine what you're going through.

If I saw someones hand shaking I'd assume they were nervous, and rightly so. I'd be surprised if they weren't. As for speeches, they must be hard so I could totally understand someone not wanting to do one, and TBH I'd totally not notice that they hadn't done one. I'd just be glad to get back to the partying.

Try to look at it a different way, what a huge gift you will be giving to you 'wife-to-be' WHEN you get married.

When the ceremony and the meals are out the way then you can relax. Look forward to that part, yes it's easier said than done.

All the best xx

[jimbobrooney]

Not got great advice but I can imagine what you're going through.

If I saw someones hand shaking I'd assume they were nervous, and rightly so. I'd be surprised if they weren't. As for speeches, they must be hard so I could totally understand someone not wanting to do one, and TBH I'd totally not notice that they hadn't done one. I'd just be glad to get back to the partying.

Try to look at it a different way, what a huge gift you will be giving to you 'wife-to-be' WHEN you get married.

When the ceremony and the meals are out the way then you can relax. Look forward to that part, yes it's easier said than done.

All the best xx


Indeed, thanks

[jimbobrooney]

Back again

Took the 1.5 mg benzo 2 nights ago and it helped a lot. Was happy for the evening and woke up feeling good for the first time in weeks

Noticed a headache the day after ? Would this be some kind of withdrawal? I have read horror stories about benzo and withdrawal

Wedding is next sat so no more weekends to hide behind. Had a bad day today , very negative and worrying about the simple things still .

When I meditate and visualise a good day then it helps but then the dark feelings return again

Not sure if I should continue with the benzodiazepines or just try and let the nerves burn away until Saturday and see what happens

And mrs panda - I'm very grateful for all your help

[Fishmanpa]

There wouldn't be a withdrawal after one dose. It was just a headache. They happen.

Positive thoughts

[jimbobrooney]

Yeah prob just tension headache

This day week my worries will be over - that must be the oddest most selfish way of looking at someone's wedding day ever

Even told my fiancé that the day will b a nightmare for me and regret it - some clown I am

[Fishmanpa]

Even told my fiancé that the day will b a nightmare for me and regret it - some clown I am

Ohhh Owwwuch! :doh: I think some flowers, groveling and an apology is in order!

Positive thoughts

[jimbobrooney]

Ha ha. She is pretty awesome so she isn't even sour at me. ALL she wants is for me to enjoy the day and stop thinking it will be the worst day of my life :-)

[dally]

Hi
Congratulations on your future wedding.
Many many congratulations that you have found the love of your life and she you.
You ARE so very lucky!

Everyone has 'nerves' at weddings. In different degrees.
I have attended well over 20 in my time and have seen and heard. Father of the bride, the best man and the groom give VERY short speeches. Even just
'Thankyou for coming, for all your generous gifts and good wishes, and I hope you all enjoy the rest of the day'!!

No guest to my knowledge commented. In fact, some said. Right let's get to the bar and get this party started!lol. (Reception)

Also. At the weddings I've attended. It has been the father of the bride and the best men who tend to do the longggg speeches.

Honestly, every wedding Is different. Do what suits you and your wife to be.
Every single guest at your wedding will be there because they love and respect you.
FEEL THE LOVE. congratulations xx

[MRS STRESS ED]

Sounds like you have got a good one jimbobrooney best wishes xx

[jimbobrooney]

Sounds like you have got a good one jimbobrooney best wishes xx

Indeed. If I can mange to get through the wedding. :-)

[Mrs Panda]

Of course you will manage to get through the wedding :) That's the best part! ;)

I read your earlier post about the benzo and headache. Fishmanpa is right in saying that withdrawal after one tablet is not an issue. I've never had any kind of withdrawal after just one....some days I've taken them for 2 or 3 days in a row and no bad issues afterwards. I think the scary stuff you read on the net relates to people who use them long term (eg. daily for several months). Stress can give you headaches, as can a dodgy pillow, sleeping crookedly and even not drinking enough water.

It sounds like you are feeling a lot more together this week than you were at the beginning of your posts :) Just keep thinking positive, keep yourself well hydrated and if the worst thing that you get after a benzo is a headache there are always pain killers for that, and lots of water :) Plus, you will have a gorgeous wife to focus all your attention onto so nothing else will really matter anyway! :D

[jimbobrooney]

Thanks Mrs Panda

When you say the wedding "That's the best part" - why cant i accept this ?

WHy am i more hellbent of creating imaginary fear for myself of fumbling with shaky hands at the candle and being afraid to stand there in front of people (with my back to them for gods sake)

Why cant i tell my fiance that im looking forward to marrying her - i have really come to the conclusion that im a really selfish person. My fiance is the one who has to walk up the aisle with everyone looking at her - i dont have to do anything on my own and here i am, complaining and moaning to her that this is my worst day ever

I am filled with "doubt" - i have been reading a self help book and it sounds like competancy doubt. I have a terrible fear of "not being perfect" - in other words if i dont llight the candle perfectly then it will look bad on me

[Mrs Panda]

Ok firstly....you are NOT a selfish person! (You just feel like this because the anxiety is consuming you)

Secondly, the reason you can't accept the fact that the wedding is the best part is because you haven't experienced it yet (again....you just feel like this because the anxiety is consuming you).

Anxiety and/or fear makes us imagine the worst case scenario and then we start to believe that is our reality and then we become so convinced that something bad is going to happen, that no matter what anyone says to us, we just can't believe that anything good could happen. Does that make sense? (It's hard to explain, but I think you will understand).

The more you beat yourself up about feeling like this the more gloomy things will seem and it just keeps on going in this horrible vicious cycle. Give yourself a break! Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling nervous, scared, anxious etc.... just because you are not the bride, doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel nervous. Just try to accept that is a big day, you WILL feel nervous about it because that is normal but you will get through it. (Even performers have anxiety before they go on stage and they perform for a living!) So please don't be so hard on yourself.

By the way, no one is perfect (sorry to burst your bubble) ;) ....... and no one expects you to be. Your fiance is marrying you because of the person you are. If your hand shakes a little when you light the candle, she won't love you any less. (However, by the time you get to that part, you will be feeling a lot calmer anyway....it is a fact that the body can not stay in an anxious state continually, eventually the parasympathetic (i think?) nervous system kicks in and you calm down.

I was the same on my wedding day. So so nervous beforehand, but once I got to the alter and the priest started talking, I guess my mind started to focus on the present moment and all those 'fearful what if' thoughts just took a hike and I started to relax and enjoy the day :)

---------- Post added at 19:16 ---------- Previous post was at 19:11 ----------

P.S. People told me that I would be fine on the day and that I would get through it but I was convinced they were wrong and that there was NO WAY!!! I could do it. Yet I DID IT!! :) This is why I can say to you that you will get through it :)

The only way you will believe me and everyone else who has been telling you the same thing, is to go through it and come out the other side :D

---------- Post added at 19:26 ---------- Previous post was at 19:16 ----------

P.P.S - Just thought of something else. If you are worried about the candle lighting thing, perhaps practice at home all this week, until you are satisfied you can do it right. I guess if you feel confident knowing you can do it perfectly at home, it may give you more confidence on the day as it will be second nature.

Plus, isn't there usually a rehearsal on the day/s before the actual ceremony? Perhaps you could take some spare candles along and just practice a few times?

[jimbobrooney]

Ok firstly....you are NOT a selfish person! (You just feel like this because the anxiety is consuming you)

Secondly, the reason you can't accept the fact that the wedding is the best part is because you haven't experienced it yet (again....you just feel like this because the anxiety is consuming you).

Anxiety and/or fear makes us imagine the worst case scenario and then we start to believe that is our reality and then we become so convinced that something bad is going to happen, that no matter what anyone says to us, we just can't believe that anything good could happen. Does that make sense? (It's hard to explain, but I think you will understand).

The more you beat yourself up about feeling like this the more gloomy things will seem and it just keeps on going in this horrible vicious cycle. Give yourself a break! Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling nervous, scared, anxious etc.... just because you are not the bride, doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel nervous. Just try to accept that is a big day, you WILL feel nervous about it because that is normal but you will get through it. (Even performers have anxiety before they go on stage and they perform for a living!) So please don't be so hard on yourself.

By the way, no one is perfect (sorry to burst your bubble) ;) ....... and no one expects you to be. Your fiance is marrying you because of the person you are. If your hand shakes a little when you light the candle, she won't love you any less. (However, by the time you get to that part, you will be feeling a lot calmer anyway....it is a fact that the body can not stay in an anxious state continually, eventually the parasympathetic (i think?) nervous system kicks in and you calm down.

I was the same on my wedding day. So so nervous beforehand, but once I got to the alter and the priest started talking, I guess my mind started to focus on the present moment and all those 'fearful what if' thoughts just took a hike and I started to relax and enjoy the day :)

---------- Post added at 19:16 ---------- Previous post was at 19:11 ----------

P.S. People told me that I would be fine on the day and that I would get through it but I was convinced they were wrong and that there was NO WAY!!! I could do it. Yet I DID IT!! :) This is why I can say to you that you will get through it :)

The only way you will believe me and everyone else who has been telling you the same thing, is to go through it and come out the other side :D

---------- Post added at 19:26 ---------- Previous post was at 19:16 ----------

P.P.S - Just thought of something else. If you are worried about the candle lighting thing, perhaps practice at home all this week, until you are satisfied you can do it right. I guess if you feel confident knowing you can do it perfectly at home, it may give you more confidence on the day as it will be second nature.

Plus, isn't there usually a rehearsal on the day/s before the actual ceremony? Perhaps you could take some spare candles along and just practice a few times?

Thanks for your posts - i really appreciate them because i know that i am just repeating myself over and over

We are doing a rehearsal on friday evening . we also called to the church last weekend and i did a little practise on lighting the candle.

ONe question for you - you said you took some benzo before the wedding but you were still so nervous - did you find the benzo helped ?

I really cant decide whether to take one on the day or not.

[Mrs Panda]

No worries :) I understand what you are going through.

Well the benzo helped to calm my nerves...(but as I said my issue back then was about my 'fear' of not getting to the loo on time because of the IBS...so I had built up this fear in my head of something bad happening and that's what I was focussing on....looking back now I see it was not a good idea because it caused me so much unnecessary worry and anxiety...and of course it didn't happen, so all that worry and stress was for nothing).

Also, I didn't want to take too much benzo incase it made me drowsy for the ceremony. So I took half a tablet, just enough to get by - this was the dose I felt comfortable with. (Hence why I suggested you experiment with the dosage beforehand).

I was also nervous because it was my wedding day too...and nerves are normal.

---------- Post added at 20:09 ---------- Previous post was at 20:06 ----------

P.S. You don't have to make a decision now whether to take a benzo or not, just see how you feel on the day. I think they take about 20mins - half an hour to kick in, so you can have them with you and decide even an hour before the ceremony if you think you will need it.

Just take it as it comes. You will be surprised at how well you will be able to deal with everything :)

[jimbobrooney]

No worries :) I understand what you are going through.

Well the benzo helped to calm my nerves...(but as I said my issue back then was about my 'fear' of not getting to the loo on time because of the IBS...so I had built up this fear in my head of something bad happening and that's what I was focussing on....looking back now I see it was not a good idea because it caused me so much unnecessary worry and anxiety...and of course it didn't happen, so all that worry and stress was for nothing).

Also, I didn't want to take too much benzo incase it made me drowsy for the ceremony. So I took half a tablet, just enough to get by - this was the dose I felt comfortable with. (Hence why I suggested you experiment with the dosage beforehand).

I was also nervous because it was my wedding day too...and nerves are normal.

indeed. My fear is just so stupid though. You had IBS so fair enough - that was a real worry and thankfully nothing happened but mine is just crazy

Im literally afraid that my hand will be so shaky that i wont be able to light the candle (this has never happened me before )

Im afraid that i will be so afraid on the day that i will just stand there like a fool and freeze and wont be able to walk or talk (never happened to me before)

This morning i did the readings at mass in front of about 50 people ( have been volunteering to do this recently to build up my confidence, it went fine and i was hardly even nervous) ---- I didnt freeze or panic or anything , why cant i take this positive result into the weekend ??

Its just crazy - it really is and i feel like im going crazy :-)

[Mrs Panda]

Welcome to anxiety my friend.....that's what it does, it turns small things into huge fears and then it makes you obsess about them to the point where you do start feeling you are going crazy. You're not going crazy, you are just overwhelmed with fear right now.

As I said earlier, don't be so hard on yourself about it. This time next week it will just be a distant memory.

Perhaps do something nice for yourself over the next few days just to give your tired mind a break from all these wedding nerves, like an outing with your mates or get a massage or something?

[jimbobrooney]

yeah will prob go for a massage on friday alright

This part sounds good "This time next week it will just be a distant memory"

Maybe i should take a benzo tonight to try and calm my mind

[Fishmanpa]

Jim,

If it comes down to a choice between a benzo or a couple of shots, go with the benzo. You don't want to have whisky breath on the pulpit in front of the priest!
;)

Positive thoughts

[Mrs Panda]

Hahahaaa...Fishmanpa, you're funny :) However that is a very good point you make.

[jimbobrooney]

yes indeed. will decide on the day.

A work colleague of mine is getting married in 12 months time and to be honest, i feel very relieved when i see the ammount of work he has ahead of him :-)

Im also going to ring my local priest and tell him that im very very nervous and would like to chat to him about it before hand, he might be able to calm me down a little by going through what needs to b done etc

I hate being this way!!

[Mrs Panda]

I'm sure the priest hears that a lot!! :)

[jimbobrooney]

Ok. Felt terrible last night so sat down with fiance for over an hour and talked through the whole thing.

We came to lots of conclusions about things like me needing to be in control of things , i have always been like that and always like to lead and "be needed"

With my fiance being so strong for the wedding and the day being about her, on a subconscious level i have felt not needed and not in control- that is why i think that i have been so bad with the wedding .

I do honestly admit though that i seek attention when the attention isnt on me . I have my mother / my cousin txting me asking me am i ok cos i have told them i am so bad over the wedding.

I am not going to apologise for it because that is just the way i am - i dont like being like that however.

Had a few glasses of wine during the converstaion and felt very relaxed - only to wake up even worse this morning - tired / groggy / sick in stomach . My fiance tried to ignore my usual petty stuff about the wedding but then cracked up and wanted to cancel it - of course i backtracked then (cos i dont want her to cancel it) and told her we would talke about it tonight

What kind of personality is this ? someone who needs his partner to feel bad so he can feel strong ?

---------- Post added at 11:32 ---------- Previous post was at 08:48 ----------

spoke with my local priest this morning and he was telling me about his cousin who got married recently , the guy was a solicitor and his and his wifes hand were shaking mad when lighting the candle :-)

He then also told me that the candle part isnt even neccessary, we can take it out or else ask the priest to light it ... I never knew that

so i said to my fiance and at first she didnt want to do it because the activity was in hte mass booklet but who cares if it is , right ?

I am also going meeting the priest thursday evening at hte local church and he said he will go through the cermony with me , we are then having the regular rehearsal on friday - he reckons after those two events then i will be fine

[blueangel]

OK, try having a look at this from your partner's point of view - she is marrying you because she wants to, not because someone has told her she has to.

She has chosen YOU.

Because she's chosen you, this is why she's getting upset. From her point of view, I would guess she can't understand why you are getting so wound up about an event that's going to make you happy.

If you do truly seek attention, then it is going to be on you on Saturday - but for the right reasons as you're getting married and that's a fantastic event for you and everyone else who's going to be there.

The ceremony will be over before you know it - in fact, you'll probably find yourself wishing it had gone on longer.

[jimbobrooney]

OK, try having a look at this from your partner's point of view - she is marrying you because she wants to, not because someone has told her she has to.

She has chosen YOU.

Because she's chosen you, this is why she's getting upset. From her point of view, I would guess she can't understand why you are getting so wound up about an event that's going to make you happy.

If you do truly seek attention, then it is going to be on you on Saturday - but for the right reasons as you're getting married and that's a fantastic event for you and everyone else who's going to be there.

The ceremony will be over before you know it - in fact, you'll probably find yourself wishing it had gone on longer.

i do see it from my partners point of view and i totally see why she is so upset. I am compeltely in the wrong here , i know that.

yeah i have heard that the ceremony goes really quick so that plus a benzo plus the two rehearsals will sort me out

[Mrs Panda]

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction and sounding a bit more confident :)

[jimbobrooney]

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction and sounding a bit more confident :)

Yep. My amazing fiance has agreed not to do the candles. I will light them both before the ceremony and people start to arrive. She has also agreed to take the blame and just say that we didnt light them as she didnt want to be up and down to the altar too often in the big dress (if someone asks, however i dont think anyone will even notice)

What a wonderful woman, i am so lucky

[jimbobrooney]

feeling good this morning - very nervous but no feelings of dread etc.

nerves are normal!!

I have my arsenal now for hte day, benzo or alcohol , no lighting candles and my wife with me :-)

[Mrs Panda]

All the best for your wedding day tomorrow. May it be a perfect and beautiful day for you both :)

[dally]

Happy, happy wedding day!! Lots of love to you both xxx

[jimbobrooney]

Wedding was awesome

Thanks to everyone for their help