Fathers day..... I have such a great dad.... NOT

[Ryan92]

Hi everyone :)

Is there anyone else who has a bad relationship with their dad ? My dad was the start of my anxiety, when me, my mum and him were a family he never used to spend any time with me and sometimes even used to be verbally and physically abusive towards me and my mum.

He had (and still does) a very demanding job, when we were a family my mum was the only person I could trust and was there for me. It was always the same excuses, work, work, and work again but I knew he didn't care about me which has led to me having such low confidence in my life.

When I was 9, my parents divorced after a year or so of arguing and shouting. Turns out my dad was having an affair, he left and took most of our money, savings etc with him. I was so young I was confused for a year or so as to what was happening but after a year or two it started to hit me, I thought I was the cause he left.

I've always been scared of my dad from a young age because of the neglect, abuse. For a few years, I would go and see him 1 weekend a month but the last few years I only see him every 2-4 months.

Its a pretty poor excuse of a visit but he'll tell me on the phone they are coming over to visit my Grandma and grandad, he'll pick me up and we'll spend a few hours over there, thats it for another handful of months :lac:

He does phone me but I'm lucky if he calls more than once or twice a month, he could call me at the end of the day once a week but he doesn't. I suppose because he struggles to make conversation as much as I do but he should make more of an effort with me, even if it's only a small thing.

I struggle to have conversations with him because I don't trust him, as far as I'm concerned I have no dad just a shallow of a man who unfortunately is my dad. I only ever look forward to seeing him because I see my 2 half brothers who make me feel like I have meaning in my life.

My dads wife has never been helpful, friendly or understanding towards me and I don't really like here. She's been verbally abusive towards me and my mum before and after all these years hasn't even said sorry.

The fathers day card I bought my dad said inside "No 1 Dad" oh the irony. If only I could tell him how I really feel, I fear if I did he wouldn't let me see my 2 half brothers again. He's never been understanding with my anxiety disorder, when I was younger he said some not very nice words about me.

Nowadays, if my dad says to my mum on the phone, "why can't he talk to me", I feel like saying to him "because I don't trust you, your a terrible excuse for a father and I worry my 2 brothers are going through what I did". "I hate you, I have no dad".

My cbt therapist told me to accept that this is just the way it is and things are never going to massively change between me and my dad. I definitely understand, I try not to let it bother me as much. I suppose at least I still see my dad even if its only every 2-4 months. (although I hardly care about seeing him or his wife tbh, love to see my brothers though)

My cousins parents filed for divorce a few weeks ago, just worry how he and my uncle are coping. Me and my cousin keep in contact by email but I don't know if he's putting on a brave face. His mum (my aunt) was having an affair.

So yeah sorry for the vent/rant. Just feels better to get it all out of my system. With fathers day around the corner it's brought back some bad memories. Anyone else been through a similar situation ?

Sorry if reading this made you feel anxious or down.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's a long post :doh:

[Oosh]

Yeh me and my dad have always had a rubbish relationship.

You stop caring. They're just flawed people like you and me. Nobodies perfect.

It teaches you good lessons though. One day you'll have some little boys/girls and YOULL be "dad". You'll have a new perspective. You'll empathise with them and it'll be even more important to you to make sure they feel ok and don't feel like you did. As a result your relationship with them will be fantastic and it'll make you very happy.
The unfortunate relationship with your dad will no longer be important. It'll just be valuable lessons learned.

[Goldfinch]

Hi Ryan,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so unhappy about your dad. I am the mum of a son (aged 15) who I think has very similar feelings to you. He told me he identified with Kurt Cobain of Nirvana when he sang "I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad". Luckily he's very close to his uncle (my brother) and says he sees him as more of a father figure. Do you have anyone like that you can relate to?

I feel really sad when I see Father's Day cards too, it was never meant to be like this!

Sorry I can't be of more help, except to let you know that you are definitely not the only one.

Goldfinch

[Ryan92]

Thanks Oosh and Goldfinch :)

Oosh - Yeah your right, I can learn from my relationship with my dad and be a better dad if I ever have kids in the future. He's the one missing out on spending time with his 2 other sons and me, I kind of feel sorry for him.

Goldfinch - Thank you for your reply, glad your son has someone as a father figure :) Unfortunately I don't really have anyone to relate to but with the way my dad was before the divorce, I'm glad they divorced. It was a nightmare, all 3 of us at home and every night I would hear them shouting and arguing. Oh well these things happen.

[Rennie1989]

Sorry to hear about you and your father's relationship :(

My father and I have a fractured relationship, and he's very aware of that and will not put an ounce of effort in to repair it. I've tried on many MANY occasions but I've frankly given up. I saw him on his birthday at the beginning of the month when mum took us all out for dinner. Unless I'm visiting mum or bro I won't see him.

It didn't help when 1) he took my cousin (who has no relationship with her father) out instead of me 2) he forced me to do things he wanted me to do, rather than what I wanted to do 3) he refuses to accept that my depression can make me very ill 4) after a suicide attempt he told me that he would never understand why I did it (thanks!) 5) he intentionally winds me up and I look like the bad person in the whole extended family and 6) he would rather let me walk home in the dark and rain as a child and teenager then pick me up, even refusing to take me to important hospital appointments. I know he had issues with his upbringing but I refuse to accept that as an excuse to muck mine up.

I will be with my friends and husband on father's day, I may speak to him, I may not. If anything he speaks to my husband a lot more than he does to me!

[Catherine S]

Hi Ryan, sorry about your dad. My youngest daughter..now 26...doesn't see her dad after some years of trying to stay in touch with him since we divorced when she was 14. My older children are from my 1st marriage and they see their dad regularly and he's an important part of their lives, but my 2nd husband didn't really make any effort to stay in contact with our daughter, all the effort came from her really and if she didn't contact him she wouldn't hear from him, so she eventually gave up. He's missed out on so much, her graduation included and now she has a great life with her chap in the home they share. He'll miss out on her wedding and any grandchildren that come along. I feel sad for her but she's quite chilled about it now and just says its his loss not hers.

Don't let the situation with your dad get you down too much or make you bitter. You have your lovely mum and your brothers so just live your life and ignore all the crappy stuff. Take care.

ISB x

[Soph18]

i can totally relate to having bad dads. Mine dies nothing fir me. It is hard, sending you a hug. If you ever need a chat im hear for you xxx

[Ryan92]

Thanks everyone for your replies :D

aaronc - Sorry to hear about you and your dad, that's a really nice suggestion but I sadly cant see it happening at the moment. My dad spends a lot of his time travelling abroad with his job. I know he would never give up work to see me and my mum. Maybe one day we could have a meeting, it's definitely something to think about one day, thanks. My mums spoken to him before about me seeing him more and phoning me more often but it was the same old work excuse.

ISB - Thanks, yeah the support of my mum and brothers (also my dog) is what keeps me going day by day. I sometimes have thoughts like I never want to see my dad again, I don't know if I ever could though because despite everything he's still my dad. If I did stop seeing him then I wont see my half brothers anymore so I guess Im stuck with him lol

Soph - Sorry to hear your also having troubles with your dad. Ok thanks for your understanding, it means a lot :hugs: dads hey :doh:

[xBettyBoopx]

I had a poor relationship with my dad, he died in 2012 and I miss him and sometimes wish that I had tried harder although I know I did my best!

Sorry Ryan that you are in this bad relationship with your father.

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone". Author: Harriet Beecher Stowe

[Ryan92]

Thanks BettyBoop :)

I suppose I'm just gonna have to make the most out of a bad situation, I feel like I'm trying my best but he doesn't seem to care, he puts work ahead of his own kids :lac: I worry how my 2 brothers cope. One of my brothers is very shy and I worry the neglect from my dad is causing this.

My dads not phoned me for 3 weeks. I don't know if I can even be bothered to send him a happy fathers day text tomorrow. If I do I feel like I'm in complete denial.

I hardly feel like our relationship is ever going to change. I need to take the positives out of our crap relationship, I'll make sure I'm not work obsessed, more caring, loving in the future if I ever have kids lol

[aprilmoon]

Hi Ryan
I think you'd make an amazing Dad.:)
I often think what goes around,comes around,and when he's older,your dad might bitterly regret putting his work first.
I don't know how old your brothers are,but there will come a time when they can see you independently of him,and I'm sure you will be able to be of good support to each other through your lives.
Your Mum sounds lovely, and its so nice that you have each other.
Take care :hugs:

[Ryan92]

Sorry to hear about you and your father's relationship :(

My father and I have a fractured relationship, and he's very aware of that and will not put an ounce of effort in to repair it. I've tried on many MANY occasions but I've frankly given up. I saw him on his birthday at the beginning of the month when mum took us all out for dinner. Unless I'm visiting mum or bro I won't see him.

It didn't help when 1) he took my cousin (who has no relationship with her father) out instead of me 2) he forced me to do things he wanted me to do, rather than what I wanted to do 3) he refuses to accept that my depression can make me very ill 4) after a suicide attempt he told me that he would never understand why I did it (thanks!) 5) he intentionally winds me up and I look like the bad person in the whole extended family and 6) he would rather let me walk home in the dark and rain as a child and teenager then pick me up, even refusing to take me to important hospital appointments. I know he had issues with his upbringing but I refuse to accept that as an excuse to muck mine up.

I will be with my friends and husband on father's day, I may speak to him, I may not. If anything he speaks to my husband a lot more than he does to me!

Sorry to hear that Rennie :hugs:

Nice to know you have your husband and friends :) My dad was similar with me when we were living together. I found it very upsetting, but he would actually chat more to his and my mums friends rather than his own son. He isn't very understanding either, nor does he take the time to even phone me or be supportive of my anxiety. I'm too anxious to phone him myself. Thanks for the reply.

---------- Post added at 15:37 ---------- Previous post was at 15:22 ----------

Awwww thanks April :)

I'd like to think I'd be a good dad if I ever have kids, it's not something thats on my mind at the moment. I'm only 21 and there's plenty of time for that.

Yep exactly, what ever goes around comes around. I know he's gonna be a very lonely man when he's older and I wont be there for him then. My brothers mean the world to me :D and one day I hope that we can see each other independently.

[Soph18]

that is ok. I totally understand you. Yes i should try more but why should i if all he does is have a go at me xx

[UKmamainUS]

My dad used to beat my mom. I watched him put her in the hospital when I was about 10 years old. He would also tell me that if I'd never been born (because I had a say in that, right? That he and mom could have gone on more holidays) They split when I was 12 and I never saw him again. He didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't really care. He died a few years back when I was 29. People always told me I should try to get in touch with him while he was alive because one day he'd be gone and I'd regret it. I figured that he was the one who was an adult when he left and never made an effort while I was a child, so why should I bother. Well, he is dead now, and I have no regrets about not contacting him before he died. I'm 36 now so you would think if I was going to wish I'd contacted him, it would have happened by now.

Sorry you are having a rough time but really, don't let it control the person you become.

[rooby]

I am 44 and have seen my dad about 3 times since I was 18. He left my mum with 3 small kids to go off with another woman and as kids we had to spend weekend's and holidays with them. It was horrible. He is now on his third wife. I have 3 kids he has never met.
I am happy to say I have been married for 20 years to the best man and father of my kids
I think it's about what we do with our own lives and not dwell on the past. Some fathers are just ****.

[Ryan92]

Thanks UKmamainUS and rooby, sorry to hear you've had bad relationships with your fathers. They can really be utterly useless :doh: Nice to know you've both got over your dads. I doubt my relationship with him will ever improve but I try to stop caring. He'll be a lonely old man eventually and I won't be there for him. To be honest I'm glad things may never improve, he's such a useless **** and always has been. It's difficult for me to let go and not let this control my life but I hope I can eventually.

Soph, when my dad was living with us I used to be exactly the same with him. I used to try to speak to him or just see what he was doing and I used to get shouted at or ignored. You're trying your best with your dad, sorry your going through this too :hugs:

[Soph18]

thanks Ryan. It can be so hard especially at the stage where I'm doing all my exams. I have been so stressed and all i have had is grief from him. He hasn't been there for me in Jan. I know he is going through the same with the lose of his gf and i classed her as my step mom. Life is getting hard and he doesn't understand. I totally am grateful that i just found out im not the only one going through all this stuff with my dad alone. Thank you Ryan. I hope things get better for you soon. Xxx

[Ryan92]

Good luck with your exams soph :)

[Mr.Jitters]

Wow, I had no idea so many people felt this way too. I love my dad (somehow), but, honestly, expect nothing from him and don't particularly want to speak to him very often.

My parents split when I was a kid. I'd spend weekends and summers with him until I was in my mind teens.

He'd sleep until noon and then take my cousin fishing, walking the dogs, or to town. They basically went out and smoked dope together all day. I used to beg to go out with them, which is pretty hard to think about. Since he got remarried, it's pretty much two phone calls a year, which I make. He's pretty close to his step kids, which troubled me for a long time. I was sure there was something wrong with me. But his step kids aren't very nice people, either - so maybe that's why! I'm sure our relationship contributed towards my anxiety and depression, but lots of things have.

I've accepted that that's just the way things are between us, and they'll never change. Grudgingly at first, but now I am grateful that I don't have a person like that in my life very often. And really grateful that I have an amazing mother. I will say, though, that even at the age of 30, I would still give my right arm to have a hug from a dad at certain times.

If I'm ever lucky enough to be a dad, you can bet your ass that I'm gonna give it my best shot. My kids would be sick of spending time with me. So I think that's the message for all of us who have awkward relationships with our fathers. Everything we experience makes us who we are, and everything, no matter how painful, has the potential to make us better people.

So let's celebrate being better people!

[venusbluejeans]

heya

Strange request, but if you quote Rennies post from this thread you may find it easier to remove the word 'Suicide' from it.

Each time the word is mentioned in a post it gets put in a list for Admin moderation(as the original post was)..... so removing the word will make your comment appear straight away rather than it having to be approved by admin.

Thanks

[Soph18]

thank you for the good luck Ryan. They are all over now. I think i done terrible in them. My dad hasn't even asked me how the exams have gone. See he doesn't care. It drives me made xx

[Ryan92]

heya

Strange request, but if you quote Rennies post from this thread you may find it easier to remove the word 'Suicide' from it.

Each time the word is mentioned in a post it gets put in a list for Admin moderation(as the original post was)..... so removing the word will make your comment appear straight away rather than it having to be approved by admin.

Thanks

Thanks venusbluejeans for letting me know :), the previous post has now re-appeared on my this thread.

[Ryan92]

Thanks Mr Jitters, sorry to hear you've been through a similar relationship with your dad. I hope one day I can feel as positive as you about relationships with dads :) yeah your right, we learn from it and grow stronger :D I can't believe how many replies I have on this thread, thanks everyone didn't realise so many people felt the same way.

[nomorepanic]

Ryan - you quoted Venus's post so I had to approve that as well

[Ryan92]

Hi Nic, Yeah I realised after I submitted it :doh: sorry about that lol

[nomorepanic]

It's ok lol.