View Full Version : Anxiety & going on a date...
Charlotteee89
15-06-14, 16:11
Hey guys! Haven't posted in a while, hope everyone is doing okay. :D
My anxiety has calmed down quite a lot recently & I'm finding getting through the day without being plague by anxiety so much easier!
However, I've been talking to a guy from work a bit recently & he's asked me out on a date, now I haven't been on a date properly.. Like ever! :scared15: & He wants me to chose what I want to do, argh stress! The other thing that is bothering me is the fact he's only 18 & I'm 24... He doesn't look 18 however, more like 20-21 & he's very mature for his age! I feel a bit embarrassed about this, but I think that's due to my own insecurities. I definitely DO NOT look 24 years old more like 20 years old & it's something I'm very conscious about so the fact I've attracted a younger guy makes me feel a bit rubbish haha! I think I just feel like I should be dating a guy my own age because I'm 24 years old, how silly is that though really? I suppose it's not 'socially acceptable' to date a younger guy when you're a female like it is to date a younger female when you're a guy! Also most of my age group (from School) are all loved up, with babies & kids & thinking about marriage something I'm NOT going to be doing anytime soon! :whistles:
I'm feeling a bit stressed about this, the date & the whole age thing.
Any advice or opinions?
Age is nothing - I've seen long fulfilling marriages twenty years apart. Don't worry about that, especially if it feels ok.
As for the actual date, I think dates are always on the awkward side but you should find you're so focussed on the impression you're making, the anxiety won't bother you. I was worried about that too on my first date, expecially when I sat down int he cinema, I was straight back to my old habits of planning all the excape routes and excuses, but I managed to switch that off and enjoy the ride. You'll have a fun time and if you don't, pretend! That will at least keep you're spirits up and his interest in you.
Get ready some things to talk about in a long gap and have fun picking out some kinky outfits ;)
Charlotte that's great news !
Yeh, what Pancho said.
The age gap might actually work for you or it might not. Just see how you feel.
If he's younger you may feel a bit more confident and in control.
Do as he says, choose what you'll enjoy and enjoy it !
I'd always choose a movie so I wouldn't have to talk as much :/
Don't have to do too much on the first date. If it's a film, literally just meet, chit chat on way, movie, chit chat leaving, see how you feel, then probably leave it there and see him back at work before deciding what's next.
Charlotteee89
15-06-14, 20:22
Thanks for the replies. :D
I suppose it is completely normal to feel nervous about a first date but having an anxiety disorder just makes the nervous-ness so much worse! Haha. :whistles:
I'm also worried about how he's going to be, I've spent time with him outside of work & he does have a bit of an awkward, quite laid-back personality so I'm worried the date will be even more awkward, but we've been texting A LOT so we've got to know eachother now so I'm hoping that'll help.
I think I will chose the cinema, a much easier, less pressured situation! :blush:
Also, with the other work guy I had a thing with (Oosh may remember) I felt so comfortable around him so I'm worried that because I'm feeling more nervous & awkward with this guy that that's a bad sign? :unsure:
That's ok, well all you can do is go and see. It might be awkward then you'll both laugh at something and then get on a lot better.
When he loosens up and you get to know him you might like him MORE.
Or he might loosen up and tell you about his interest in worshiping satan and then you can be like "errrr, I'm washing my hair :/ "
I've seen two movies lately.
Edge of tomorrow
X- men
They were both absolutely brilliant !
Two of the best films I've seen for ages.
Although that new one "The fault in our stars" trailer came on and looked like a PROPER chick flick/Romance ( it looked really good. My lip was going watching the trailer. I never said that )
Charlotteee89
15-06-14, 21:16
Yeah, I think it's just that I'm comparing him to the other guy too much! :doh:
Last time I was with the new guy was on a work night out where everyone was drunk & he wasn't as he was giving people lifts home so obviously he's going to come across awkward if he's not drinking! & Also because (again, unlike other work guy) he isn't trying it on with you every 5 minutes, he's a gentleman, just a little quiet & laid-back. :)
I saw 22 Jump Street last week & loved it! Would love to see it again to be honest! :yesyes:
I'm feeling really flighty about this date, my anxiety is making me want to run to the hills! :wacko: I'll see him at work tomorrow, so I'm hoping it won't be awkward.
I've spoken to him at work before, well actually I had a massive rant to him about another colleague not coming into work & leaving me to do everything & he was lovely towards me. :blush:
The other work guy (the one I had the thing with) doesn't talk to me at work, it's actually incredibly awkward with him! He just about manages a "You alright?" So at least that's something haha.
Going on dates was one of the most anxiety inducing things I've ever done. It will be for most people.
It will probably be horrendous until you meet him and after a few interactions with him your levels will drop 90%. Then just enjoy your film and some munchies.
Take a good look at him. I bet he'll be more nervous than you.
Just make sure you
1. Go through with it
2. Enjoy what you enjoy.
So even if it isn't a big success you got to watch a good film and have some sweets and stuff.
Charlotteee89
16-06-14, 01:26
I'm getting really nervous about it tonight! :scared15: My anxiety is certainly trying to think of every reason possible to NOT go on the date. Every thought is going through my head like "What are you doing? You don't fancy him!" "Omg what! No no no, I can't go on a date ugh no!", I'm certainly in the 'flight or fight' mode.
Yesterday I was all happy & smiley & wondering whether he would ask me out on a date & now that he actually has (probably to my shock tbh) I'm freaking out! :scared15: :doh:
I'm tired today which isn't helping, I'm hoping tomorrow I'll wake up with a clear head. :wacko:
EDIT:
I think I'm building this up to be bigger than it actually is! He didn't even phrase it as a date or anything just sorta indirectly did... Whilst we were texting he asked me what I liked to do as fun "..like go to the cinema, go bowling etc?.." so I told him & he replied with "Okay, sooo if I was to ask you if you fancied doing something this week, would you be interested & what would you like to do?" & a bit later on he put "I know the guy is meant to make a decision on what to do but I don't want to do something for you to not like it or would prefer something else" which is really sweet! :blush: So yeah, I don't think even he wants to make a big thing out of it, I think I'm just putting pressure & stress on myself! :doh:
It does sound like a date :] (Haha)
Yeh it's going to be pretty scary until it happens.
It'll build up to a crescendo as you're walking up to meet him.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?? THERES STILL TIME TO TURN BACK. RUN !"
Ignore it. Just keep going. ( that's if you're sure you want to go on a date with him )
Hi,
Good luck with your date. Reading this reminds me a lot of my first date with my boyfriend. I was a nervous wreck. In fact I was so nervous i couldn't drink my drink (we went to a pub) and i kept yawning (something i do a lot when i'm nervous). I am also rubbish at starting conversations so there was a lot of awkward silences. I was convinced i had blown it and was never going to hear from him again but 3 years later we are still happily together. Turns out he was also nervous about our date and thought he was the one who had blown it. So even if it doesn't go that well don't worry cause if he is interested it will still work out for you both.The more dates you go on the easier it gets.
Charlotteee89
17-06-14, 00:40
We haven't spoke since Saturday so I'm not sure what's going on.. I think he would like me to make the first move... :wacko:
My heads a bit all over the place to be honest, I go not-so-good news from my GP this morning in relation to blood tests I recently had. Turns out that I may struggle to become pregnant as as my ovaries aren't releasing eggs (at the moment) :weep: But I need to have the same blood test(s) again to double-check. If this certain hormone (FSH) is still high then it may be permanent. I don't think it's something that will just sort itself out on it's own.
Crikey. News like that is going to put your date worries in perspective.
Did you go on the date yet? Did you enjoy yourself? Any first kiss??
I have two friends that have ovary problems. They both say that it will be difficult to conceive but not impossible. We have so much technology and ways of doing things that won't be impossible for you to have a baby (as long as you can afford IVF). And remember, we progress with our scientific methods every year. There's so much hope there. You've got ages yet.
When you have news like this, it's nice to do something totally different and irrelevant. I hope the date with the cutie goes well :)
I've dated someone younger than me - it's a useful experience to have :)
Charlotteee89
17-06-14, 02:16
I know right!
& No the date is meant to happen on Thursday but we haven't spoke since Saturday night (well early Sunday morning) & I saw him at work earlier but he had his back to me so I felt awkward to say hello & so I ended up walking past him & he clearly saw me do so. Ooooops! :doh: I think he's waiting for me to talk/text first.
I've been looking up high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels & it seems to be one of the worse fertility problem/type to have! IVF seems to be very challenging with this type, also. :weep: It's not just that my eggs may be diminishing it also could be the quality of my eggs that could be a problem. I will need to have more tests & checks if my next blood test shows high FSH levels.
It's weird though, I've always said I'm not sure that I even want children as I've never been particularly interested or maternal, but for some reason the fact I may never be able to become pregnant naturally is really upsetting me! I think it's a biological response or something, the choice has been taken away maybe? :huh:
Oh no Charlotte :/
Its nothing to do with you being under weight is it ? Sorry if im being an idiot asking that. Its just you said you were very underweight and ive read in the past there can be problems.
Random and probably useless but when i was looking into DHEA for cortisol i found lots of discussions about women improving egg numbers and health by taking it.
https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=dhea+fertility+forum&oq=dhea+fertility+forum&aqs=chrome..69i57.5905j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=122&ie=UTF-8
Ive probably got it all wrong, sorry.
Youve not heard from him since Saturday. Well didnt he leave it up to you to decide ? Have you not heard from him since then ? He might be waiting for you to decide on the date and what you want to do. If you havent spoken about it further he may be thinking youre not into it ?
With the guy: I would come clean and say you've had some shocking news, even if you don't say what the news is. That will explain why you've been awkward around him and blanked him - you didn't mean to but didn't know how to handle the situation. He might be quite upset about you not speaking to him though, so I would try and clear that one up asap. He might think the date's off.
Freedom is the feeling of being safe and being able to choose. When you don't feel safe, or able to choose, you feel trapped.
My friend had some eggs frozen before things got any worse - she might be able to get someone else to be pregnant with her egg if she can't conceive.
Charlotteee89
17-06-14, 14:45
My Doctor did mention if my diet was okay which to be honest it could be better! I do eat loads though. But there's more of a link between being overweight & having fertility problems than being underweight (naturally underweight/thin I mean), but it's definitely something I'm trying to improve so I suppose you never know! :)
I think that's what it is, I told him I'll let him know what I want to do (not expecting him to not talk to me inbetween, however!) so he must be waiting for me to talk to him. :shrug:
I don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind for a date now, I really don't want to upset him or lead him on as he is a lovely guy! I'm just a bit all over the place & I'm not sure whether I could see him as a potential boyfriend, the age thing is really getting to me. =/ I'm just a bit ':wacko:' at the moment.
I definitely do need to speak to him though, clear the air, & because I blanked him yesterday... Argh! :doh: No clue what to say though. I suppose I could say I had some bad/shocking news but I'm not sure as I don't want him to worry etc. =/
Charlotte !
lol the poor lads going to be feeling rejected and everything here.
He probably got all his courage up to ask you out and you havent spoken to him since !
"damn, she thinks im too young, damn i knew she`d never like me, damn she doesnt fancy me, damn im so stupid, should never have asked ! "
"I told him I'll let him know what I want to do (not expecting him to not talk to me inbetween, however!) so he must be waiting for me to talk to him."
lol thats funny.
Take control. Tell him everything.
"so lets leave it for now. I dont want you to think i dont like you though. i just dont want to right now, thats all. is that ok ? we can still text and chat. Lets just see"
Then if you think 18`s weird and you dont fancy him let it fizzle out.
I would still go on a date with him!! Haha you've got nothing to lose now.
If you mess it up - oh well. You're not sure about him anyway. It's a test bed. Ironically the less you care about dating, the more fun it is - there's less pressure.
All this surely would have put things in perspective. Whether you go on a date with this guy or not is not really that important.
Positive psychology theory is useful in situations like this:
Happiness is wellbeing and joy. Wellbeing is the general feeling of life satisfaction. Joy is that feeling of happiness that passes momentarily.
If you have 3-5 joyful experiences to every one negative one, you are doing averagely. More than 5, and you are much more likely to have a higher feeling of wellbeing.
Less than 3, and you are very likely to have a low feeling of wellbeing.
So joyful experiences have a huge impact on your general wellbeing.
In which case, it's a good idea to try to have lots of joyful experiences. Especially if you're having a hard time.
http://blogs.berkeley.edu/2012/12/05/the-secret-to-flourishing-science-says-its-in-the-numbers/
Obviously it's more complicated than that: hedonistic actions can have a long term negative effect on your wellbeing.
Scroll down and check out the diagram on this page:
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/Newsletters/24May11.htm
Charlotteee89
17-06-14, 22:58
Oh Oosh I feel bad! It kinda clicked earlier I was like "Oops, I bet he feels like I'm rejecting him, oh no! I bet he feels embarrassed!" :scared15:
BUTTT he's texted me not long ago with "Hey hey stranger :) you okay? xxx" So that's a relief... :whistles: Last thing I want to do is offend or hurt him. I feel so bad! :blush:
I saw the 'other' work guy earlier for the first time in like a week & I'm not gonna lie I felt pretty rubbish. =/ He did say hello though. I think he has a new girlfriend now.
I'm just gonna play it cool with new work guy (that sounds bad! Haha) & I do genuinely feel ill, got such a bad sorethroat and my glands are swollen :( think I'm coming down with something. So that's a good excuse to put off the date for a bit but I'm not going to get his hopes up as I'm still not sure! :wacko: I deffo want him as a friend but as anything else? I just don't know! I think what doesn't help is that I'm still not over the other work guy, so thinking of myself with another guy just isn't something I can do easily. =/
& Yes, I am going to try & remain positive, my head is all over the place due to what the GP told me. I can't think about anything else atm. :weep:
I really feel for you. Is there anything else we can do to help?
Keep us updated with your progress :)
Charlotteee89
17-06-14, 23:46
But saying all that above ^^ I'm not sure if I'm trying to talk myself out of him so I haven't got to go on a date which I'm REALLY anxious about (borderline panic attack!) or whether I'm not actually sure about him? :unsure: Hmmmmm.
He asked me whether Thurs was still on & I said that I wasn't sure as I might have to work & my friend also wants to do something... :whistles: I wasn't expecting him to ask! He said that I was popular & I said I know right but I kind breezed over it & brought up a work's do we're all going too.
& Aww thanks, & I don't think there is unfortunately! I won't know myself until I have another blood test to check. =/
& I will do!
xx
Why are you worrying about the age thing? My OH is 6 years younger than me and I had another relationship with someone who was 6 years older plus another with someone 10 years older - it doesn't matter!
To be honest I don't think you really fancy this bloke. If you did, as nervous as you feel, you would be dying to go out with him and counting down the hours until your date.
If that is the case, be honest with yourself and with him and let him down gently or make it clear you only want to be friends.
Charlotteee89
18-06-14, 16:25
I think because I don't know many if any females my age with younger boyfriends & probably because most 18 year old guys are pretty immature, whereas me being 24 nearly 25 I'm 'supposed' to be mature & a 'woman' so I feel a bit awkward.
I think I do fancy him a little but because of the whole age thing I'm kinda putting myself off him! Up until recently he was always a friend & not a guy I saw in 'that way' & now that's suddenly changed. I'm just confused.
I've managed to get myself out of tomorrow so I'm going to see how I feel over the next week or so, maybe when my mind isn't so distracted with the fertility thing maybe I can think clearer & figure it all out! :yesyes:
EDIT: Yes it's definitely the age thing that's getting to me! As soon as I think Ooo he's 18 my mind automatically says "He's 18, don't bother! Get yourself a man!" Grrrr, it's almost like they're intrusive thoughts! I've been talking to the girls at work who think I'm just being silly about his age & I've been thinking about him all day aswell, as we've texted a lot today! :blush: I think if he was a little older I would be fine, it's just the age thing! It's so ridiculous as he's more mature than guys my own age! Argh. I need to get over it I think. Why be so petty about age? I know it's really down to my own insecurities about my own age. If I was more comfortable about the fact I don't look my age I wouldn't give a hoot! :doh: :whistles:
Charlotteee89
27-06-14, 02:01
An update for anyone who's interested:
So things have moved along with 'new work guy' but we still haven't been on a date & are still in the process of sorting that out but I'm terrified of going on a date & he hasn't ever been on one either.. So kinda awkward! :blush: We decided on the cinema though. We've been texting loads for over a week now & he's told me he likes me & that he's a bit shy to talk to me in person (even though he doesn't seem it, to me he comes across like he's playing it cool in person, as we've spoke in person at work) so that makes me even more worried about our date. :blush: I'm not used to relatively shy guys! & Cause he's only 18 that makes me feel a little uncomfortable as all this girl stuff seems to be quite new to him! Also, he say's he's been messed around by girls before (as in girls have sent him mixed signals & so he's developed a lot of cautiousness etc) so I feel pressured to be a decent one. But I don't want to babysit him, if you know what I mean? :wacko: I'm confused haha!
But I definitely do like him! But I'm just concerned about his age (still), his shyness & his lack of experience. :blush:
But he's not putting pressure on me to 'meet up' as he's wording it as, so I'm thinking to hold off the date a little longer & keep talking & texting which maybe for him will make him feel more comfortable and less 'shy'? Talking more in person will help that too I think. But I honestly don't get the 'shy' vibe off him in person, but maybe he's playing it cool as he feels shy? Shy to me is like being quiet, you see. We had a work's party last weekend & I'm not gonna lie, I felt a bit miffed as he was definitely playing it cool & it was a little awkward & he talked to my friends more than me... But he told me to not take his 'shyness' personally as he does like me.
I love your little romantic adventures Charlotte.
Ugh, I dunno about this young guy. I don't know if he's gonna be what you want.
He DOES sound shy. I'm shy and have been the same. I had gf after gf through school and some I would never talk to.
I mean he's gonna loosen up and relax around you eventually. Who knows who he'll end up being. You may like it. Or he may be a bit more immature than you'd like.
I think the only way you're gonna find that out is by physically hanging out with him alone for prolonged periods and doing things together.
No easy way around that.
Young lads have a lot of growing up and changing to do as well. From 18-25 he's gonna change a lot as he learns stuff. At 25 you might be wanting someone a bit more developed and being what you want. But maybe HE can be that, after you've trained him up ?
I say hang out with him and get to know him a bit more. It'll help you make your mind up.
"Let's just hang out and see how it goes eh ? Don't try anything though ! I know yoga and ill snap your arm off!"
Tell him that, he'll love that.
If after a few days/evenings out you're finding him annoying then there's really no point in making him a bf is there. Keep him as a mate then and just tell him you think he's too young.
(All I've done is confused you haven't I) :]
Charlotteee89
27-06-14, 15:00
I don't even know what I want myself haha! I definitely don't want anything serious too soon, I don't want to settle down any time soon either, all I want right now is to move out of my parent's house & get my own place!
He's mature generally, just not overally experienced with females, it seems! Having said that I'm not that experienced myself with men. I suppose my maturity is more down to age than anything.
He can drive though, & I can't (well not legally yet) haha!
This whole situation is a bit confusing for me as he seems (well to me) pretty confident in person & more shy & vulnerable over text. Whereas 'old work guy' was the opposite! Ridiculously confident over text but in person he's more awkward & aloof (sexually confident however) and he can't even manage a conversation with me at work! :doh:
I don't really pick up on his shyness, so maybe he's making a bigger deal out of it then necessary, I don't know! At the work's do he was very chatty with everyone but played it cool with me so maybe that's him being 'shy' then?
Gosh, why is this relationship stuff never simple haha! :roflmao:
I think it's something that I'm just going to have to wait & see with, I don't think it has a clear outcome.
I think you should build up some experiences then. Do some stuff with him and see how you feel. It's definitely more useful than forever not building up any experiences and sitting on the side lines thinking about it.
I still advise you to see that Edge of Tommorow. Absolutely brilliant.
Maybe he talked to others instead of you because he was scared of looking an idiot or being rejected in front of everyone. So talking to everyone BUT you would be the safer thing to do.
Charlotteee89
28-06-14, 02:18
My anxiety has been pretty high the last few days too! Whenever I feel stressed over the most normal-est thing it triggers my anxiety symptoms - nausea & lightheadedness. :lac: Which makes me feel more anxious.
& The idea on going on a date is making me feel even more anxious, I can't seem to not get myself in a state over it, I'm so nervous! :scared15: The constant thoughts of it aren't helping my anxiety symptoms either, they're just permanent at the moment. It's so debilitating.
I'm going to keep on talking to him, in person & via text. He may be out Sat night up town so I might see him so I'll see how that goes.
I think the idea of dating a guy who is shy etc scares me as I'm shy etc as it is! It's down to my own insecurities, but saying that, dating a guy who is confident with a load of experience would be just a nerve racking as I'd feel pressured also, so I can't really win tbh! Haha.
I need to calm myself down & just go with the flow without over-analyzing & freaking myself out. :blush:
Hi I know just how you feel, after coming out of an abusive marriage last year, which resulted in a break down, agoraphobia and extreme daily panic and anxiety, I have come a long way, I was off work for seven months, but have been back since last October it has been a hard struggle but I am almost 100%!! I won't lie this is with the help of medication but I am not ashamed of this. Any way next Saturday I am meant to be going out as a foursome for a meal, nothing heavy but boy am I anxious, I am a lot older than you 52 and it is just as nerve wracking. Good luck with what ever you decide is the right road for you xx:)
Charlotteee89
29-06-14, 14:46
Awwww. :hugs:
I think I could deal with anxiety if it wasn't for the crippling physical symptoms you get!
I've been fine 'physically' for 3 or so weeks now but over the last few days my symptoms have come back with a vengeance! :mad:
It's not even my obsessional thoughts that are causing my anxiety right now it's normal things! Like guy stress, work stress & general life stress! :wacko: I'm also, like I've said, REALLY nervous about this potential date.
I was out last night, but, so was old work guy & new work guy! :scared15: Talk about double stress! Old work guy was quite chatty for a change (alcohol induced I think) but what was weird was that later on in the night he was trying to set me up with new work guy! AWKS! They're good friends & think a lot of eachother but I don't think new work guy knows about me & old work guy 'hooking up' a month or so back now for 5-6 weeks. :scared15: I think new work guy has told old work guy he likes me, it was just a bit weird. & They were having a very in depth conversation, blatantly about me aswell. :scared15: (in a nice way). I've never felt so stressed in ages! All night I just felt so nauseous. My stomach was in knots & I couldn't really get 'into' it too much, but when I did I noticed my nausea disappeared! So it was definitely anxiety.
New work guy again played it cool or was being shy, he definitely finds it easier talking to my friend than me. I kissed him on the cheek though haha! I didn't know whether to flirt with him more as I think he would've responded to it but I chickened out. His off body language put me off I think.
So overall a very anxiety ridden night! :scared15::whistles:
If you wonder why his face is dirty the next time you see him it's because he won't clean his face all week now :]
I think it'd be a good thing for you to go somewhere with him if you're getting so anxious about it. These things are best faced. Push yourself along there and just make it your goal to enjoy yourself. No pressure, no commitment, just enjoy yourself. You'll feel better if you do it.
Charlotteee89
29-06-14, 23:29
Hahahahaha! :blush:
Yeah, I just need to get on with it, stop over-thinking & freaking myself out! :doh:
I think the more I see him out of work it helps, I get used to him in non awkward, friend-wise manner, it helps build up for us doing something date-wise. :)
Me & old work guy ('Zac Efron' haha) have spoke a bit tonight & he made it clear him & new work guy have spoke about me & he said "I think you should ask him to do something :)" & so I was all like "We've discussed it, & clearly you know stuff ;)" & he said "Obv, I just want to make sure you look after him" .... :scared15: I find it kinda weird as me & him have hooked up... But alrighttttt then! :unsure: He's obviously looking out for his mate, which is sweet!
Charlotteee89
09-07-14, 23:04
An update for anyone who's interested.
Crikey, where do I start? Things have progressed with new work guy & we've finally sorted something! He's coming round mine to watch a film over the weekend. :D I really like him, & He's ridiculously mature for his age, it's massively throwing me off.
Like I've said before, him & the other work guy I had a thing with are friends, but he's been trying to 'help us along' a bit too much & new work guy isn't appreciating people 'interfering' & he got quite annoyed about a sny comment old work guy made to me about our film date (old work guy & I still talk) which I took on the chin, he did not! He thought it was disrespectful & immoral to say that & I think he was annoyed that I was so chill about it. Oops. Just goes to show how respectful new work guy is for an 18 year old! :yesyes:
He's still feeling shy & nervous though, & he said he's nervous about our film date (we're still not calling it a date however, I'm just calling it that on here to make it easier) as he doesn't know what to expect! I wish he wouldn't tell me that as it's making me feel nervous. :scared15:
I've no idea how he's going to be during our get-to-gether, will he be really quiet, talkative, or a bit of both? I don't want there to be too many awkward silences. But since we're watching a film, it'll make it easier - haven't got to fill any quiet moments with conversation! I think I'll just try and be cool & just talk to him & try & forget he's nervous, I'm not going to over-think it, like he is.
But has anyone got any tips or advice on how to handle a shy-ish, nervous guy?
:)
It is obviously waaaaay easier said than done, but the key in any relationship is honesty... In an ideal world you would speak to him directly, tell him you like him but are nervous etc. and then arrange the date and go for it :)
He will be feeling as nervous, if not more so than you and him acting cool is only because he is shy and clearly doesn't know whether you do or don't like him... If you make it clear you do, I think you'll find he is more open to talking.
For a date, personally I don't think the cinema is a good idea - I know it seems as though it is if you are nervous, but in reality it doesn't really solve any of your current problems with talking to one another and feeling more comfortable... You turn up, say hi, go and sit in silence for 2 hours, then go home... I'd advise something where you have an activity to do - e.g. ten pin bowling... it means you aren't forced to sit face to face talking the whole time, and also gives you both something to focus on that will spark conversation - and give you the chance for some laughs, which will relax things...
I really wish you the best of luck - you should def go for it... age is nothing!!
Look forwards to hearing what happens :) x
Charlotteee89
10-07-14, 01:35
Ohhhh we've spoke non stop (via text) for like 2 weeks & we've both told eachother how we feel & we've been very honest about it.
& We're watching a film at my house, not at the cinema, I felt more relaxed about our 'first date' being at home, it's more casual & comfortable for me. :D & He seems fine with that, even with my parents out.
In person I don't really see the overally 'nervous' person that he makes out he is, I think he's just an over-thinker & makes a big deal out of little things & then worries about it afterwards. But he definitely doesn't talk to me much at work, but when he does he seems fine to me.
Cool, well that sounds good :) Just be careful... I know you know him fairly well, but you're still inviting a kind-of-stranger into your home... I hope it goes great though and whilst watching the film he goes for the 'i'm-really-tired-and-need-to-yawn-while-stretching-my-arms-and-oops-oh-no-one-of-them-has-ended-up-around-you-how-on-earth-did-that-happen?' routine :D
When are you having him over? x
Charlotteee89
10-07-14, 02:39
Oh gosh don't tell me that, I'll start worrying! Haha. I know him very well, he's lovely, he started at our work place at the same time as me, 14 months ago now. I've seen him outside of work too, his sister's best friend also works with us. I've also met his friends. We work for a very large supermarket! Haha.
& Oh gosh, I wonder if he would? I'm definitely intrigued! He's not experienced with females at all, so I bet he'd be nervous to do that! & He's respectful so I'm not sure he'd want to incase I don't want him too! Haha.
& At some point on either Sat or Sun evening. :D
Haha, in that case you really don't have to be worried - you know way too much about him and his friends / family for him to possibly be dodgy :)
Sounds like it's all shaping up to be a good weekend... You could always turn the tables and go for the yawning routine yourself ;)
On a serious note, I hope you have a great time... It's brilliant that you're going for it - you should be proud of yourself :hugs:
Charlotteee89
10-07-14, 02:55
He's deffo not dodgy! :roflmao: He's just as nervous mess at times! He suffers from confidence issues so that's why I'm worried as, well.. So do I! :doh:
& Hmmm.. I'm not sure! I think he'd probably prefer me to make the first move! Haha, I'm just going to wait & see what happens... Read his body language & all that. I don't even know if he's even kissed a girl as I'm 'the first female who's ever shown him interest, ever.." Eeek.
& Thanks, I'm proud of myself for going for it, I deserve to be happy & I'm not going to let my anxiety ruin that for me. :D
So, sorry to be really nosy, but I need an update... Is the date still happening this weekend?! :)
Charlotteee89
12-07-14, 00:12
YEEEEP! On Sunday evening! :D Eeeek, I'm quite nervous tbh! I'm nervous about how nervous/awkward he's going to be than anything else! When I'm nervous I can sometimes talk a lot so maybe that won't be a bad thing in this instance? Haha.
He said to me earlier "After Sunday, I should feel a bit more confident to talk to you at work..." a bit more? Oh christ, that's worrying! :scared15: I'll try my best to keep him at ease, but it works too ways you know? I don't want him to sit there all quiet... He does talk to me at work though & has done this week & he seems fine? I think he's just exaggerating. Maybe he won't feel as awkward with just me & him, unlike at work & with out-of-work social situations where there's pressure to talk, I just don't know.
ORRR maybe he's nervous about how to be with me, like to flirt with me etc? Maybe that's what's worrying him, he doesn't want to appear off or too full on? He's never had any proper experience with females so I can imagine that's a bit stressful! He might feel pressured as he's the male, if you get me?
Amazing!!!
It's probably all those things. You know what, it's actually really nice, you'll both be feeling your way through. You're perfectly matched with your beautiful imperfections. If you both drink that might help...! But don't drink too much, I once went on a date with someone that drank three times faster than me and he ended up a drunken wreck. So. Not. Cool.
Can't wait to hear what happens with you two!!
Charlotteee89
12-07-14, 01:17
Also, he might be nervous as he's thinking we're watching the film in my bedroom but actually we're not... We're sitting on the sofa downstairs & watching it as my parents will be out! I don't feel comfortable introducing him to my room this early on, also, I have a single bed so watching a film in my room, on a first date, would just be awkward haha.
& Yes, I suppose we are a pretty good match! :D
shakey1961
12-07-14, 03:29
Dear dear, there's far too much thinking going on here. What if this, what if that, should I do this, what if he does that, or expects THAT!!!!
You seem to be worrying for him as well as you. It takes some guts for a guy, and a young 18yo lad, to ask a nice lady out, and he seems to like you. He's probably paced up and down his bedroom trying to think of the correct thing to say to you, and worried about rejection.
How do you know he might be expecting to watch a DVD in your bedroom? You just don't know that, and from what you've said about him, he seems a nice mature boy, brought up properly.
Just welcome him into your house, have some coffee on and some nice things to eat. Make him comfortable and put him at his ease. You could even talk about how nervous you both are and how silly it is.
Take the evening as it comes. Once you relax you'll enjoy it.
And don't worry about the age gap, it's what, 6 years? There was 4 years between my Mum and Dad.
Just get on with it and have a lovely time.
Please, don't play with his emotions. Us men mostly have the hard part of asking you ladies out, and if he's shy, that can be very difficult. Being shy can be quite cute.
Enjoy
Food is such a good idea! Sharing food on a date can be really romantic. I've baked biscuits for a date before and it worked out really well - they weren't the most amazing biscuits but he thought it was really sweet and I got lots of kisses :)
Charlotteee89
12-07-14, 15:43
He doesn't feel comfortable eating in front of me.. Yet! That's how nervous he is, generally! Not sure whether he'd eat something simple like popcorn or crisps etc, no idea! :shrug: He might just mean like going out for a meal.
I'm just going to take it as it comes, be very chatty with him & be as laid-back as possible. I'm not feeling the DVD we're suppose to be watching too much, so that's worrying me, I might get distracted & he might think I'm not interested or being a bit rude. I have a habit of looking on my phone when I'm nervous too, that's even ruder.
I always find that a good way to relax a date who is scared to eat in front of you is to say
"Watch me" then take a mouthful of your drink and then with it all still in your mouth, say "look no inhibitions" and let it all fall out of your mouth".
Mouthful of food "look no inhibitions" :| (let it all fall out your mouth as you say it)
By the time you're finished and you're covered in food he will be laughing that much and you'll look so daft that he won't possibly care about how he looks in front of you eating. Genius !
That'll relax you both and from then on the rest of the date will be a good laugh !
(Of course you'll have to go and change your clothes because you'll be covered in food/drink. But that's a small price to pay to loosen up your date.
You know after all this build up, we all want to see the date. Can't you stick a webcam on your head or something so we can watch ?
Put the camera on your head or on the telly. Or you could hang it off your ear and say it's your new ear ring.
Of course I'm only joking about. Trying to give you a giggle because you are probably getting a bit nervous now. Don't worry (or think too much) it'll go smoothly.
What film are you two gonna watch ?
shakey1961
12-07-14, 16:23
Argh! Text him. Ask him what he would like to eat. Nibbles, some dips? Say you have some crisps, but you'd like it if he brought round something he likes to eat, or what can he suggest that your could both nibble at.
You do really have to stop over-thinking. Calm down. Give yourself enough time to set out the nibbles and drinks, make the place look nice but don't go overboard. Then go and get yourself ready, make yourself look nice, make-up if you so wish, little bit of perfume and something easy to wear and relax in.
You're not the only one on a first date, and you're certainly not the first or last to be nervous on it. Once you've broken the ice, it'll all go along easy.
Stop panicking and let it happen.
Sunflower2
12-07-14, 16:50
Coming from someone who avoids food in social situations at all costs, I can see how eating in front of a date can be nervous for someone. Maybe he has strange eating rituals that he is embarassed about and worried about putting you off! Even now after being with my boyfriend for 6 years, I sometimes hide in the kitchen refusing to let him see what I'm doing haha! (Not weird stuff by that way, just carefully moving food in the most awkward way so not to touch it :p) so try some little snacks but don't force them on him. Then hopefully you can progress to meals if the date goes well!
I've read a couple of the messages on this post and felt like replying as I was feeling nosey haha. I've had a little bit of experience with a guy who was shy, it really makes you come out your shell as you have to sometimes make steps that you might not have to with someone who is much more forward. When in doubt, think about how you might feel in his shoes and do what you would think he would want to do if he had more confidence. It's really odd to begin with but gets easier!
Charlotteee89
12-07-14, 23:19
Hahaha Oosh! Interesting... :winks: & I think it's a boy-ish animation film we're watching, I'm more into princess-y, girly ones lol.
Hmm, I could text him but I don't want to make a big issue out of him coming round, for his sake. I want it to be casual & laid-back as we haven't even called it a 'date'. So I'll probably nibble myself! & If he wants something, he can, if not, that's fine.
It's weird, I'm only really nervous about how nervous he's going to be! I'm pretty chilled about the whole thing but I'm just worrying about him, I hate awkward situations & I clam up. I can already envision myself just talking all the time though, then we'll have quiet time watching the film. I think I'm just imagining the worse - he'll barely talk & just sit there & it'll be very awkward.
I'm not sure how forward he's going to be, if at all. He might surprise me, who knows! I'm certainly not going to put pressure on him & flirt & make him feel a bit uncomfortable as I know this is the first time for him. Probably why he's so nervous! He said he doesn't know what to expect, but then he said he should just stop over-thinking & go with the flow! Bless him. :blush:
shakey1961
13-07-14, 06:40
I wouldn't say you're making a big issue out of asking him what things he likes to eat. Better that than getting something he hates and he feels he has to eat something and dreads it. Still, plain ready salted crisps you can't go far wrong on. I would hope someone would ask me, in fact, I would tell them I can't eat gluten, so I have a very special diet, so I would suggest I bring the food so I make sure I don't get ill.
Be a nice host. Offer him something initially but say he's welcome to choose whatever he wants any time. Do you have some little tables you can put next to each of you? If so, put them there so he has somewhere to put his plate and cup/glass.
Talk about things, anything. You both have work in common, talk about that, but not too much, you're not at work, but it's an ice breaker.
Then... if you feel comfortable eventually, in the later part of the evening, hold his hand, that's if he hasn't tried first. I think that would make you both at ease.
Are you good at cooking or baking? Can you make some little biscuits or cakes? That would show him you've taken time to think about it. Possibly a bit too late now, but you could give it a try.
You'll soon both relax. Just enjoy it and go with the flow. I guarantee it will all go fine.
I'm look forward to tomorrow when we hear how it all went.
As people already said, you can't over analyse these things too much because you'll end up focusing on all the tiny details instead of enjoying the date and 'going with the flow'. Also, dating, relationships and finally the 'L Word", don't conform to any set of guidelines or formula - it's all part of the fun not knowing what might happen next... If you could predict and make things happen, then it would get dull pretty fast!
With the food thing, just bring out some popcorn to share, or something similar - if he doesn't eat it, then so what? Just don't make a big deal of it like you said, but at the same time, don't take it to mean that he must think this, that or the other - maybe he just doesn't feel like popcorn at that particular moment :)
Wish you the best of luck - just try and relax and enjoy it... And hey, if it doesn't work out, its no big deal... There will always be other times, and it's his loss :D
ps i agree with having a hidden camera so we can tune in... *puts popcorn in the microwave* ;)
shakey1961
13-07-14, 14:22
Duh!!! What day is it? Sunday 13th July! What's on TV tonight on BBC1 and ITV?
World Cup Final! Kick off 8pm.
Does he like football? If so, and if you can stand it, why not watch that? It's one of the biggest sporting occasions on the planet.
Granted England aren't involved, but it would give you something to talk about.
Who said anything about a hidden camera? Will it be on the red button?
Enjoy yourselves... we wanna know all the details tomorrow lol
Duh!!! What day is it? Sunday 13th July! What's on TV tonight on BBC1 and ITV?
World Cup Final! Kick off 8pm.
Does he like football? If so, and if you can stand it, why not watch that? It's one of the biggest sporting occasions on the planet.
Granted England aren't involved, but it would give you something to talk about.
Good call! :footy:
Catherine S
13-07-14, 15:08
I hear they've banned 7UP in Brazil :footy:
ISB x
I hear they've banned 7UP in Brazil :footy:
ISB x
LOL! :buttkick:
Charlotteee89
14-07-14, 04:24
I'm going to type this now whilst it's fresh in my mind before I go to bed! :tongue:
OMG IT WENT REALLY WELL! :yahoo: He went at like 3am aswell! Eeeeeeeeee. :blush::blush: We basically spent the night talking, watching tv, more talking & more watching tv.. He even met my parents when they came home from the pub & had a good chat & chill with them, omg! :D
I was a bit worried initially as I hadn't heard from him all day so I decided to text him about half 6 ish. The conversation was a bit 'off' then he perked up & asked whether I wanted him to bring any drinks or snacks! So I'm not sure what the offish-ness was about, maybe he was nervous & wanted me to make the first move.
But he seemed absolutely fine when he was at mine! He's massively good at covering up any confidence issues I've noticed! We texted a bit when he got home & he said that he feels more at ease & a bit more confident with me now & that maybe next time we could sit a bit closer on the sofa as tonight was our first date (first time he's called it that!) & didn't want to make things awkward! (we sat apart, opposite ends near enough - I didn't want to scare him! Aha) So all in all a very successful night! :yesyes: I had major urges to just sit closer to him & kiss him though! :blush: Kinda slightly gutted that nothing physical happened, but that's normal right? Hahahaha!
:D:D:D
shakey1961
14-07-14, 05:47
Congratulations. See it went well in the end. All that worrying and what if etc. he did well chatting to your parents on a first meeting!
He sounds a great lad, well bought up, having suggested sitting apart slightly. Next time you meet, give him a kiss and say that's something you should have done the other night. Go on, go on, go on lol!
Keep us informed
Yay! I was looking out for a post from you last night and hoped that when I didn't see one by time I went to bed, it meant that things had gone well :)
He sounds like a really nice guy and he is obviously fairly confident if he could sit and chat with your parents after your first date together! Time to start planning the next date ;)
Hopefully you now feel a lot more at ease with the whole thing and realise that everything has a way of working itself out, without you having to worry about every little detail... With regards to anything physical, that will happen in time and it's better that he is extra polite and shy, than being all over you from the word go!
So pleased that it went well - the whole thing made me feel young again, bringing back memories of 'the thrill of the chase' and all that jazz :D x
Fantastic !
So is he boyfriend material then ?
Charlotteee89
14-07-14, 15:56
The confidence thing with him confuses me haha! I think it's more of a self confidence thing, like he appears fairly confident on the outside but underneath he's self-critical & judgmental of himself. He doesn't come across as shy at all. :)
My parents clearly liked him, my mum said today that she couldn't believe he was only 18 as he looks & comes across so much older & mature. So that's a good start! ;)
We're deffo having a proper movie night soon so that's when I'll be sitting a lot closer to him. :winks:
& He's certainly boyfriend material! Can't quite believe it myself, how I've managed to get myself such a decent guy! I'm still not used to how mature he is, I think I just don't expect it too much from a guy (I've gone through a few players) so it just throws me off haha!
& I'm glad you guys are enjoying my thread! :D
Sunflower2
14-07-14, 16:51
This is such a sweet thread, imagine if you ended up in years time getting married to this guy haha, and we all followed it from the start! Although don't say that to him or it might seem obsessive thinking you were going to marry him after one date haha. Glad your date went well, good luck with the next one!
This is such a sweet thread, imagine if you ended up in years time getting married to this guy haha, and we all followed it from the start! Although don't say that to him or it might seem obsessive thinking you were going to marry him after one date haha. Glad your date went well, good luck with the next one!
I for one expect an invite to the wedding... :yahoo:
Charlotteee89
15-07-14, 01:47
Hahaha you guys! :blush:
Tbh, I'm feeling a bit rubbish. We were texting earlier & I was talking about how badly my neck hurts as I slept on it funny & that my posture is bad so it'll probably do me some good to get fitter, like go for a run or something & he said in a jokey way that I'm 'super skinny so if you go for a run they'll be nothing left of you ;)" I was bit offended as I'm SO insecure about my weight & I HATE people mentioning it in that sort off way, so I played it cool & laughed it off & said if I could put on weight easily I'd be motivated to keep fit & that I'm scoffing my face with the pringles he left me, but then he said that I looked fine to him but also included "Good you need some weight on you ;)" I said I try I really do & he replied with that spending time with him would make me fatter & then I replied with that it's my arms that make me look skinnier, & that I never ever get them out ever. His reply was "Why not? I'm sure you have lovely arms :)" I replied that they're so skinny that they make me look even slimmer. His reply was that he wouldn't know as he's never seem them & that he doesn't believe me that they make me look skinner.
Talk about double negatives! :wacko: I'm now feeling very insecure about my weight all over again. On one hand he's saying that I'm super skinny & need to put on weight but then he's also saying I look fine? :unsure:
He's a guy so he wouldn't understand how us females can be about our weight. I'm thinking he just meant it in a jokey way, I was meant to take it on the chin.
I know he would NEVER mean me any harm & if he knew how sensitive I am about my weight he'd probably be mortified that I was offended. (I did sort off say that I get quite defensive & insecure about my weight later on though but he said that he can relate as he's pretty insecure himself etc.)
Hahaha you guys! :blush:
Tbh, I'm feeling a bit rubbish. We were texting earlier & I was talking about how badly my neck hurts as I slept on it funny & that my posture is bad so it'll probably do me some good to get fitter, like go for a run or something & he said in a jokey way that I'm 'super skinny so if you go for a run they'll be nothing left of you ;)" I was bit offended as I'm SO insecure about my weight & I HATE people mentioning it in that sort off way, so I played it cool & laughed it off & said if I could put on weight easily I'd be motivated to keep fit & that I'm scoffing my face with the pringles he left me, but then he said that I looked fine to him but also included "Good you need some weight on you ;)" I said I try I really do & he replied with that spending time with him would make me fatter & then I replied with that it's my arms that make me look skinnier, & that I never ever get them out ever. His reply was "Why not? I'm sure you have lovely arms :)" I replied that they're so skinny that they make me look even slimmer. His reply was that he wouldn't know as he's never seem them & that he doesn't believe me that they make me look skinner.
Talk about double negatives! :wacko: I'm now feeling very insecure about my weight all over again. On one hand he's saying that I'm super skinny & need to put on weight but then he's also saying I look fine? :unsure:
I know he would NEVER mean me any harm & if he knew how sensitive I am about my weight he'd probably be mortified that I was offended. (I did sort off say that I get quite defensive & insecure about my weight later on though.)
I've not weighed in on this thread but I've watched as things unfolded. Ok... STOP IT! You've put WAY too much thought into every little detail and you've met a guy, that by all appearances, seems pretty awesome. Stop reading into every little thing and enjoy it for what it is or you'll self-sabotage the whole thing.
The guy obviously like you... A LOT! Enjoy yourself will ya?!
ADDED: If he says anything about being skinny again, give him the point of your skinny elbow... he'll get the message ~lol~
When's the next date? ;)
Positive thoughts
Charlotteee89
15-07-14, 02:05
I'm not reading into it I was just massively thrown off by the mention off my weight, my weight insecurities do cause me a lot of anxiety, also. That's why I mentioned it as it's related to the actual thread name. :)
I use this as like a diary at times, kinda rant it out, letting all my insecurities out etc etc. :blush:
With my anxiety I'll probably be churning over this for a few days now. :doh: I really like the guy so I think that's what makes it worse, he's mentioned (completely innocently) something I'm very sensitive about & something that I would rather he didn't mention, it's like my BIGGEST insecurity. Now that he's highlighted it, it's made me realise how aware of it he is, so that makes me feel like if we do get physical maybe he'd feel awkward as I'm so skinny (anxiety thoughts right there!).
I'm not reading into it I was just massively thrown off by the mention off my weight, my weight insecurities do cause me a lot of anxiety, also. That's why I mentioned it as it's related to the actual thread name. :)
I use this as like a diary at times, kinda rant it out, letting all my insecurities out etc etc. :blush:
With my anxiety I'll probably be churning over this for a few days now. :doh: I really like the guy so I think that's what makes it worse, he's mentioned (completely innocently) something I'm very sensitive about & something that I would rather he didn't mention, it's like my BIGGEST insecurity. Now that he's highlighted it, it's made me realise how aware of it he is, so that makes me feel like if we do get physical maybe he'd feel awkward as I'm so skinny (anxiety thoughts right there!).
I do understand but have fun... you've gone through so much angst just leading up to the "date" and everything went great! A lot of worrying for naught right? The guy likes you regardless of weight. If he thought you were too skinny, he wouldn't be interested in the first place right?
Positive thoughts
Charlotteee89
15-07-14, 02:52
I know right! I really shouldn't let my insecurities ruin my outlook on the whole situation! :)
I am trying my best to put on weight, it's not easy though! If I wasn't so insecure about my weight I would of let his comments breeze across my mind, it's me not him.
I know right! I really shouldn't let my insecurities ruin my outlook on the whole situation! :)
I am trying my best to put on weight, it's not easy though! If I wasn't so insecure about my weight I would of let his comments breeze across my mind, it's me not him.
Oh Gawd! I've heard that one before! It's a spin on the 'ol "It's not you, it's me" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uAj4wBIU-8) line! ~lol~
Positive thoughts
When you think about what he said, he was only reacting to statements you made beforehand and at all times has tried to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, because he obviously likes you a lot. You put yourself down - he said you look fine just how you are... You said you would like to put on some weight to get you motivated - he said that would be a good idea... He's just being nice... Nothing more sinister than that - honest! I know it is hard, but don't keep being negative about yourself around him... Be positive... You're a great person and he obviously sees that.
As we've said all along, you are reading way too much into every single word he is says... From what I've read he appears to be a really nice guy, but at times you seem to want to convince yourself that he is the opposite. Just go with the flow and try to relax! :)
Have you arranged your next date yet?
shakey1961
15-07-14, 12:49
If you want to put on weight, why don't you join a gym and go lifting some weights? Now, I'm not talking of getting really big like these bodybuilders, but with the right instruction from a gym coach, with diet advice and possibly even some supplements to help you gain weight, you'll be getting heavier with muscle weight and not fat, you'll be much fitter too.
The side effect of that is... you'll feel much much better about yourself and your self esteem will go through the roof.
Your new boyfriend will be hard pressed to keep his hands off you!! Ooo errrr.
In fact, why don't you and him join a gym together! Give you a joint activity you can enjoy and encourage each other with.
Charlotteee89
19-07-14, 01:56
Everything's going well. :) We've yet to organise another date, but we've discussed it, it's just so difficult with my shifts & his temporary shifts at work, but we're not in any rush. :)
My anxiety has been playing up since yesterday though - my day off, where I spent most of the day inside. I also didn't speak to him so that made me feel more nervous & anxious.
My obsessional thoughts have come back a bit, but I'm trying to not concentrate on them, I'm trying to let them 'slide past' so to speak. I think general stress has contributed to it, I've got a lot of things on my mind, & that stress has 'opened up' the obsessive thoughts. :wacko: I keep having little intense anxiety moments where I feel very unreal & spaced out, it must just be the adrenaline in my body, it's perceived a danger but there isn't one & my body & mind are feeling very defensive, constantly scanning for the danger, mentally & physically, then my mind decides to pick on my obsessive thoughts, my vulnerable area. I hate that. Anxiety eh? Sigh.
Yeh I know the feeling.
Change your focus. Like you say you're spending time stuck indoors and your mind by default is looking for threats to get anxious about.
So change your focus to enjoyable, humorous things there's nothing like making yourself giggle for bringing the anxious illusions all crashing down.
A Horizon episode on being anxious and neurotic gave a treatment of using this pc program. It displayed a screen full of angry faces, but one was smiling and friendly. You had to find the smiling face before you could go onto the next page.
Over a period of weeks the Horizon man said he was developing a less neuroti outlook. He was learning to LOOK for different things in his environment instead of looking for threats all of the time.
I have learned to (try to) "cocoon" myself in my interests and enjoyments.
That way I stand the best chance of keeping anxious or depressive styles of thinking at bay and making it more likely that when I interact again I'm in a good place still.
It can be just what you end up putting your focus on that ends up causing you to become anxious.
Maybe you're going over things a lot in your mind with your soon to be fiancé.
Give yourself a giggle.
Picture him being shy and wanting to impress you but some kids playing footy nearby accidentally bounce the footy off his head while he's talking haha.
You like him don't you ? Text him. Say there is this thing you want to see, do and ask him to take you.
Charlotteee89
24-07-14, 01:16
I was doing alright, anxiety-wise for a few days, but today again, I'm having an 'off day', what isn't helping is that I'm so tired! Anxiety + tiredness = not a good combination!
My guy is coming round again tomorrow (Thurs) evening :) so I'm happy & excited about that.
But I've been getting a bit un-easy about the situation with him, typical female stuff haha! I do seem to text him first these days & of course my female insecure self is going "He obviously doesn't like you that much if he doesn't text you first!" "Ooo his texts are more short, that's an indication of something!" It sounds so silly but I can't help but fret over it. :wacko:
Like during a text conversation the other day I asked him whether he was okay about everything that's going on with us & he replied with "Define 'what's going on with us'?" haha" So I replied with "Erm I would say 'talking' but it's more than that now I'd say, so maybe 'what's happening with us' is that better? ;)" (Clearly I missed his point, I think he was asking what is actually going on with us rather than asking me to rephrase what I said, oops) & he replied with "Haha, whatever you want ;)" So I put "Don't you have a better definition? I don't know how to phrase it tbh, & you didn't answer my question either cheeky! ;)" & He put "Not really lol, and "What's happening with us" is very similar to "What's going on/happening with us" hahahaha ;)" so I replied with "Do you want it to be more than just 'talking' is that what you're getting at? Or? :)" & His reply was "I think so haha, it's just a difficult situation as we both work evenings & can't see eachother much during the week, I'd like to see you & spend more time with you xxx" So from that I basically just told him we'll sort it out. :D
But it did throw me a bit, I couldn't help but think maybe he's being a bit 'offy' as he's a bit frustrated as we're not seeing eachother as much as he'd like, but saying that he did admit all this is new territory for him & he's not sure how fast or slow it should go anyway. I should take what he said as positive, rather than negative shouldn't I? I don't know what's up with me! :whistles: I can't help but be worried. My biggest worry is that he's going off me, so I'm looking for any little indication via his texts - so silly! *slaps self* :doh: He's not so awkward & insecure during our text conversations I've noticed too, he's a lot more at ease, probably because he knows how I feel so he's pretty chill about it now, rather than constantly telling me how nervous & worried he is. I think maybe that is what's making me feel uneasy - He's too relaxed now! Hahahaha.
You're right, anxiety and tiredness is not a good combination. I'm the same.
Make sleeping your priority and see it as pointless thinking about anything significant while you're that tired.
"My guy" hey ;]
Another get together, brilliant.
It's not typical female stuff, it's typical everyone stuff. Overthinking, insecurity, maybe a little wanting clarification, definitely wanting reassurance. I'm exactly the same. Until you're in a proper relationship all of this "are we/aren't we, does he/doesn't he is agonising.
Looks like he was trying to clarify what exactly you two were too.
It sounds to me like he's picked up that you like him now so he's relaxed and grown more confident and gotten a little more forward. But he was still fishing for clarification of your situation.
"I'd like to see you and spend more time with you" well there you go, he likes you too.
It's always hard until things are clear.
You're probably having all these insecure thoughts because you need to feel a bit more secure in yourself.
Why wouldn't he like you ?
Of course he likes you
List all the reasons why you are a catch to him.
Remind yourself also that if it did ever go pear shaped, it'd be his loss because you know your worth and you're not worried about being able to go out and find someone else. So you're relaxed, secure, confident about it.
THATS what stops you overanalysing, being self conscious and caring way too much. It's 1000 more times more effective than just trying to not have the insecure thoughts because it gets to the root, which is your self esteem, how much you value yourself.
When you feel secure, you don't care so much, so there is no longer any reason to overthink minor details.
You're secure.
His loss.
You'd be able to just go and find somebody else.
You have lots of value.
Now relax, don't care so much, be more forward. Why not ? Nothing to lose.
Let him know you like him. It's not a big deal. It doesn't have to be a big rigmarole. You don't have to worry about trusting him. Because you have the above secure mindset. And if he lets you down you'll walk away, cool as can be and find someone else.
Even if you don't believe that mindset, adopt it, feel it, how much more confident and secure that kind of thinking would make you feel.
Feel there be no need to worry about minor details if you think like that.
Tell him you like him, just be cool about it like you're not worried about saying it.
I think he'd like to hear it. "Yeh I like you, I enjoy seeing you. I think we get on".
I think once you're both open with each other and seeing each other regularly you'll find a way to get around the shifts thing.
It sounds like it's all going well to me. Nothing to worry about that I can see :]
Glad that its still going well and you're seeing each other tonight... As Oosh said, it's perfectly natural to worry about things that you know are silly... We all do it every single day and romance is especially bad for sending our brains even more haywire than usual :)
With regards to the text exchange you mentioned, it sounds like he was edging towards wanting to say he wants more but was maybe too nervous to - hence throwing it back to you all the time... I don't think he would have asked you about 'what was happening' if he wasn't interested in moving it forwards.
All relationships (and potential relationships) have their obstacles; nobody is going to lay it all out perfectly for you - love and happiness are things we need to work at. Again, as Oosh said, you have the power here - he clearly likes you, so if its not moving along quickly enough, you should go ahead and give it a kick up the ass :D
Good luck - let us know how the date goes... I'll be tuning in again on the hidden camera :p
Charlotteee89
25-07-14, 10:15
Well well well..... :yahoo:
Again, it was a lovely date! We were in my room this time and just chilled and watched a film (on my bed). After we watched the film he said that all he wanted to do was put his arm round me all time whilst watching it! So I said well you still can... So he did! We spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking whilst watching my TV. :D I'm going away this weekend with my close friend and I was telling him about a male cousin of mine who was basically telling me to 'pull a lot of guys' whilst out partying which I was horrified about as I'm not like that anyway plus I have a thing going on with a guy but still my cousin insisted it happened and that I didn't tell my guy :scared15: My guy wasn't overally impressed by this and I said "Yeah don't think you'd be very happy about that..." To which he replied with "I'd be pretty broken to be honest..." I was so shocked by the word 'broken'!!! Omg I literally wanted to squeeze him after that! Omg, yeah okay 'hurt' or 'upset' would've been fine but 'broken' my god guys! He clearly really likes me! Eeeeeeeee.
He left at like half 3 this morning! He didn't want to and I certainly didn't want him to but I had to be up this morning! Busy weekend ahead of me!
When we said our goodbyes we hugged for a little bit and then he gave me kiss, then another one, then another one, then another one! :scared15::o
Pretty successful date I reckon! :D:yesyes:
Brilliant !
Happy days, boyfriend sorted !
I'm glad it's all gone well.
Charlotteee89
29-07-14, 01:31
We're now girlfriend & boyfriend. :yesyes::yesyes:
But it's definitely true, tiredness does make my anxiety worse! I'm so worn out from having such a busy weekend away & my anxiety has just been sky high all day. Nothing really specific either, but my obsessive thoughts have tried to push through. It's so annoying!
Aw brilliant. I'm really made up for you.
Have a nap.
Just enjoy your relationship. There's nothing to worry about. And if you do it's just normal insecurities we all have. Enjoy yourself !
You've got someone there now. Someone who likes you back !
Arrange a lot of stuff to do together and have a good time.
We're now girlfriend & boyfriend. :yesyes::yesyes:
:yesyes:
Don't forget us when you start arranging the wedding. I expect a seat at the top table at the very least :shades:
Catherine S
29-07-14, 21:48
....and a honeymoon in Amsterdam...we all plan to be there! :D Well us bookclubbers anyway lol!
ISB x
Charlotteee89
30-07-14, 02:31
Hahahaha you guys! :blush:
I'm definitely getting anxious over the responsibility of having a boyfriend (one who clearly really likes me), I think I'm a bit scared tbh! I think because my anxiety is a bit bad at the moment, I'm feeling a bit out of control & not relaxed so this new situation is kinda freaking me out! When I'm so anxious I struggle to concentrate on other things apart from my own thoughts. I just hate having anxiety at times. :lac:
You're supposed to feel nervous, it's the unknown. You build confidence after doing things repeatedly. After seeing him many times you'll iron out your worries, build confidence and develop coping strategies for the aspects you find tricky.
The worries you do have, stick them down here, they're natural. They just need tackling so you have a positive answer to them.
You wouldn't be human if you weren't full of doubts and worries at this stage.
Best tactic is to enjoy yourself. If you're laughing you've cracked it.
Make yourself laugh before, during and after seeing him. Make it fun.
Nothing like a good laugh to take the seriousness out of something.
Make fun of your worries !
Sunflower2
30-07-14, 17:39
New boyfriend anxiety is the best type of anxiety - enjoy the thrill of it! :D
Used to be right nervous on dates me, been on so many I'm not anymore haha I get nervous once I know the girl more for some reason.
tell us how your date went x
Charlotteee89
31-07-14, 00:04
Thanks 'Oosh' for that, made me feel better about it. :D
My general anxiety is really bad today - because I'm shattered! I cannot stop my obsessive thoughts when I'm so tired & so in a negative mind set. It's horrible! I feel like I felt weeks ago - like I have no control of myself & so anxious and weak. Ugh.
My boyfriend (ooo love saying that!) is coming round tomorrow so I'm nervous about seeing him but I'm hoping it'll make me feel more 'normal' & take my mind off my other anxiety issues. :D
He's already suggesting that in the near future we could spend the night at eachother's houses! Ooooof. He's keen ain't he? Hehe.
That's alright.
You two will be inseperable soon. You'll be looking at moving into together this time next month. Then he'll be asking you to wash his undies and you'll be like "bleh, I wanna be single". :D
Charlotteee89
03-08-14, 01:23
Ugh I hate anxiety at times! :mad:
I'm quite anxious over certain things with me & my boyfriend (getting intimate is one of those things) and the fight or flight response seems to be getting activated as soon as these anxious thoughts enter my mind, which is making me want to 'flee' him, like break up with him! :mad: & Is causing extra thoughts (obsessive thoughts I spose) enter my head like - "You don't even fancy him, get out of this situation!" "You don't like him, you're in too deep, you feel nothing for him really..." blah blah blah, I'm now constantly checking myself to see if these thoughts are true! :mad:
Which doesn't help is that when my anxiety is high it makes me feel disconnected from people, so I'm now also thinking "Oh my god I feel nothing, I can't connect to how I feel about him!" Ugh, so annoying! :doh:
Anxiety just loves to appear when you least want it too. :mad: Why can't I just have these normal thoughts & worries without my anxiety exaggerating them & times-ing them by 100? Grrrrrrr.
Dya know what ? I've been in relationships for years now after starting out trapped alone in my room for years and I can still occasionally get attacks of those thoughts now, out of the blue and they surprise me every time.
Attacks of doubt where in a split second ill think "what am I doing, I can't do this".
It's an instant loss of all confidence, an attack of doubt.
I thnk you have to carry on through those and ignore them. If you DO end up splitting up from your new bf let it be because over time you decide you're not suited and not because you are having these attacks of doubt and anxiety.
God knows its scary, it's all scary. But isn't that exciting too ? It beats being stuck in your room alone ?
Get some relationship experience and confidence out of it at least. :-)
Charlotteee89
03-08-14, 18:20
Yeah, it's definitely anxiety over lack of confidence & insecurities! :mad: My anxiety just wants me to 'escape' whatever it is that's scaring me, & my anxiety is also trying to 'back up' it's thoughts by convincing me that I don't want this relationship, which I know deep down is definitely NOT true! I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the fact I now do, have a boyfriend! The idea of having one before was so much easier than actually having one haha, the amount of responsibility and pressure I feel right now is crazy!
He's like the most perfect boyfriend, & he's very serious about me. I know it isn't him personally, I know I'd feel the same with any guy I was with. But I suppose because he's er, not very experienced with girls I feel more awkward & pressured so in turn that's making my anxiety high! :blush:
It's just all very annoying, that's what it is! I just want to feel happy and excited! Not anxious, worried & scared. :doh:
It reminds me of meeting someone for the first time on dates. Its all very well finding someone and arranging it all but that walk up to meet them at a certain time was like the reality setting in. This is now real.
I was horrified that the worries and insecurities id had literally turned into deafening screams in my head on that walk to meet them.
I was like "what the hell !"
But after ignoring it and carrying on, within minutes of meeting them i quickly realised it was the anxieties that werent real. It turned into something different once you`d met, nothing like what your mind had just led you to believe.
So learn to ignore whatever it is thats screaming at you. Deal with the reality.
His inexperience ? Deal with the reality. He might surprise you, it hasnt happened yet. You cant predict the future.
Ignore the anxieties.
Theyre not real.
Deal with the reality.
If after a few experiences the evidence you have is that he IS inexperienced and youre uncomfortable then you can get out. But at least you`ll know you didnt chicken out of anything. You went through with everything and dealt with the reality.
Its also a good feeling being on the other side of those anxieties when youve done it all and seen the reality and your worries about all of those things prove to be unfounded.
It gives you a new perspective on the whole thing. Itll probably give you the upper hand on your anxieties for good.
I personally think he sounds perfect. Give it some time and see how you feel about what ACTUALLY happens and not what you IMAGINE will happen.
Enjoyment will come when youve got your confidence and you dont feel its anything to worry about anymore.
Charlotteee89
03-08-14, 19:02
"This is now real." Yup that's definitely what's going through my head! The "Omg, it's actually happening, I have a boyfriend, omg, omg, this is real!" It sounds so silly but when you're insecure it's a very scary situation! :blush:
His inexperience isn't turning me off him, I just feel more anxious to 'take the lead' or know how to play it which is something I'm not actually so confident with myself, I think it's cause it's normally the guy who makes the first move(s) and I'm certainly not secure in myself to do that haha! However, he was er, forward the other night which shocked me! Wasn't expecting that haha. But then he was plagued with embarrassment that he 'was a bit cheeky and too forward and pushed boundaries', I wasn't exactly fussed :blush: I'd rather he didn't tell me that though as that makes me even anxious as I'm then worrying about him! :doh:
When I'm with him, cuddling up to him I certainly don't get the anxious thoughts (apart from the natural feeling of anticipation), I'm very content & happy. :blush: So again, that kinda confirms it's all just anxiety really!
He's coming round in a bit so yaaaay. :D
Charlotteee89
05-08-14, 02:48
Still going through severe anxiety & obsessive thoughts. Grrrrrrrr. :mad:
I think I know what's triggering it, it's definitely the anxiety I'm feeling over getting 'intimate' with my boyfriend as I'm very self conscious of my body. I think I'm doing well though, I've never ever been keen on anyone touching me in any way (even a hug makes me feel uncomfortable) so the fact we've been cuddling, kissing, touching etc is a big step for me. But I'm still very anxious over it. And those anxious thoughts are causing my anxiety to kick in, and like I said before, causing the 'fight or flight' response to kick in - My anxiety is doing everything it can possible to get me out of this situation, to stop my anxious thoughts. And it's horrible! I can't help but let myself believe that these additional anxious thoughts are real and that I don't actually like him and feel nothing for him. I know I had little insecurities about his age but that went away but as soon as we became a couple, BAM it all became 'real' and the reality of what's going to be happening kicked in. I've always fantasized about having a boyfriend and being intimate with him but the fact it's now actually happening is scaring me! I never did think it would happen so fast, so I'm freaking out haha! Obsessional thoughts are so distressing though. :(
Just wanted to let that out. :) My online diary this is!
I think its like anything youre anxious about -
a job interview
a flight
the anticipation is going to be very uncomfortable. But reaching the other side of these things and seeing them for what they are leaves you feeling relief that youve faced it and its now behind you.
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