The clinic.

[googler192]

Evening everyone!

Today has been one of the lowest for me so far on my HA journey. I have considered lots of things that have absolutely terrified me and I've lost count of the amounts of times that I've had to stop what I'm doing and catch my breath because I was panicking.

Today was really difficult because my mum walked in on me crying In my room and I had to try and explain what was wrong without mentioning the fact that I am terrified that I have contracted HIV. It's so difficult because my parents still think I am a virgin because I have never had a serious boyfriend. I'm 21 and was at uni so I was hoping that that would get rid of some of the view that I'm completely innocent. I know it must be so difficult for them to accept. This is what is making this whole experience so much harder for me. Sometimes I just think that If I could be more open to them about my sex life (which really isn't that colourful but it's a version of it none the less) then maybe I wouldn't be so terrified about having to tell them something like this when the tests come back positive. I am so scared of disappointing them and I know that it would break their hearts (understandably) to know that their daughter has been so wreck less to have unprotected sex and ruin her life. I can't do that to them. I am in no way blaming my parents of my huge mistake but I just wish I could be more honest with them. I know how disappointed they would be in me if they knew though. Sometimes I wish I wasn't an only child so I didn't feel so alone. All of this sounds like I am trying to make excuses for the biggest mistake of my life but it's just the truth.

Tomorrow I am going to the clinic for a HIV test. I am absolutely terrified but I need to know what I am dealing with. I am fully expecting it to come back positive and I will have to deal with that when it happens. I'm going to see if they will do a rapid HIV test because I really don't think that I can wait two weeks. I will make myself seriously ill if I do.

I am so scared. I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for words of advice or words of wisdom. But I guess what I'm really asking for is your prayers. I need all the help I can get tomorrow. I need a miracle.

I hope you are all having a lovely, relaxing evening.

Kind, happy, positive thoughts for all of you.

[Agadch]

You're very brave for going to get yourself tested and I hope the very best for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully your test comes back clear x

[googler192]

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

[scared_ter]

Evening everyone!

Today has been one of the lowest for me so far on my HA journey. I have considered lots of things that have absolutely terrified me and I've lost count of the amounts of times that I've had to stop what I'm doing and catch my breath because I was panicking.

Today was really difficult because my mum walked in on me crying In my room and I had to try and explain what was wrong without mentioning the fact that I am terrified that I have contracted HIV. It's so difficult because my parents still think I am a virgin because I have never had a serious boyfriend. I'm 21 and was at uni so I was hoping that that would get rid of some of the view that I'm completely innocent. I know it must be so difficult for them to accept. This is what is making this whole experience so much harder for me. Sometimes I just think that If I could be more open to them about my sex life (which really isn't that colourful but it's a version of it none the less) then maybe I wouldn't be so terrified about having to tell them something like this when the tests come back positive. I am so scared of disappointing them and I know that it would break their hearts (understandably) to know that their daughter has been so wreck less to have unprotected sex and ruin her life. I can't do that to them. I am in no way blaming my parents of my huge mistake but I just wish I could be more honest with them. I know how disappointed they would be in me if they knew though. Sometimes I wish I wasn't an only child so I didn't feel so alone. All of this sounds like I am trying to make excuses for the biggest mistake of my life but it's just the truth.

Tomorrow I am going to the clinic for a HIV test. I am absolutely terrified but I need to know what I am dealing with. I am fully expecting it to come back positive and I will have to deal with that when it happens. I'm going to see if they will do a rapid HIV test because I really don't think that I can wait two weeks. I will make myself seriously ill if I do.

I am so scared. I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for words of advice or words of wisdom. But I guess what I'm really asking for is your prayers. I need all the help I can get tomorrow. I need a miracle.

I hope you are all having a lovely, relaxing evening.

Kind, happy, positive thoughts for all of you.

What was your risk?

[UKmamainUS]

Good luck and huge hugs to you xxxx

[googler192]

When I tested at 2 weeks they said I was low risk even though the exposure was unprotected because it was with a white British male of 22 and the percentage of the population with HIV where I live is 0.02%. I knew the guy and we had been intimate before but this was the first time unprotected.

[scared_ter]

When I tested at 2 weeks they said I was low risk even though the exposure was unprotected because it was with a white British male of 22 and the percentage of the population with HIV where I live is 0.02%. I knew the guy and we had been intimate before but this was the first time unprotected.

Given the details there, its basically 99.999999999999% clear you've nothing to worry about.
Get a rapid test after 6-8 weeks, Ive had one done in the past, the 15 wait is horrible, but its better than 2 weeks, and you will get your certain clear result and be over the moon!

[Fishmanpa]

Hi Googler,

Let me apologize in advance for what I'm about to say as I don't want to appear insensitive.

While I understand your fear, I also feel bad for the young man involved. You stated you had been intimate with him 4 times. Each time protection was used. The last time was with no protection and he assured you he was clean and he would never do anything to put you at risk. I stated in a previous post from a man's standpoint, he wouldn't have done something to put you at risk as it's apparent to me he has/had feelings for you. It makes a very negative connotation that he would deliberately expose you to a serious and deadly disease just for the sake of not wearing a condom. Think about that. You've gotten to know him. In your heart, is he the type of person that would essentially commit a crime by deliberately infecting you with a disease that could ultimately take your life? You stated that you spoke to him about your anxiety and he was supportive and understanding. What makes you think he was infected? Is he a needle poking drug user? Is the reason you're not together anymore because he was unfaithful to you with women of questionable character?

Obviously, at least to me, the two of you have had some kind of relationship beyond sexual. How else would have it led to intimacy? You've had to get to know him and he you. You've had to have had some time to share feelings, thoughts and interests prior to intimacy and afterwards. This appears to be someone with whom you've established a level of trust.

Then you had sex without protection and BAM! He turns into a lecherous fiend that infected you? I'm sorry, while I can understand your concern, if I were him and I had real feelings for you, I'd be pretty insulted...

You said in a previous post you would get test results on Jun 3rd. What were they?

Obviously, your going to be tested and that's a good thing if even to give you some peace of mind from this self imposed torture. I truly feel that your tests will be negative. As you stated and the counselor stated at the clinic, the chances of you being infected are pretty much slim to none.

Good luck and positive thoughts

[googler192]

Thank you so much for the words of reassurance. I'd probably be able to believe that if it weren't for the symptoms that I'm having that directly mirror that of seroconversion. Swollen glands, aching limbs, sore throat, headache, night sweats for the past 2 nights. That is why I'm so terrified.

I really appreciate you saying that.

Its been 5 weeks since exposure so do you think they will do the rapid test or will I have to wait?

---------- Post added at 23:39 ---------- Previous post was at 23:33 ----------

It's just so difficult because I know that I put myself at risk by having unprotected sex with a man who - although he reassured me that he was clean - he didn't actually say that he was HIV negative.

The second time we were intimate he mentioned the fact that using protection was uncomfortable for him (he had an intimate piercing - another reason for my concern) and he said he wanted to try without. I looked 'concerned' apparently and he laughed and said 'babe, I'm not riddled with AIDS'. Which although it was said in jest, it was possibly the worst thing he could have said to me. He also told me that he had slept with 25 people. Another reason for concern.

I am not claiming that he is disgusting or unclean or horrible or malicious in any way but that does not relieve the crippling anxiety and shame I am feeling after stupidly putting myself at risk. I wanted to prove to him that I trusted him. Obviously I'm not capable of that. It's my fault completely and I will suffer the consequences.

[scared_ter]

Thank you so much for the words of reassurance. I'd probably be able to believe that if it weren't for the symptoms that I'm having that directly mirror that of seroconversion. Swollen glands, aching limbs, sore throat, headache, night sweats for the past 2 nights. That is why I'm so terrified.

I really appreciate you saying that.

Its been 5 weeks since exposure so do you think they will do the rapid test or will I have to wait?

All those symptoms are non-specific, and can be caused by any common community acquired virus. I had all of those while worrying as you are, nightsweats that soaked the bed to the point I had to put the mattress to the window to face the sun to dry. And I didn't have it, which will also be the case for you.

---------- Post added at 23:42 ---------- Previous post was at 23:40 ----------

12 weeks is still the official guideline on testing post exposure, but most now agree that 8 weeks is adequate with modern tests.
Some even suggest 6 is fine. A negative test at 6 means the odds on you being infected get even smaller, so wait til then, test and accept that result as final.

[googler192]

The results at 2 weeks were negative which is to be expected but the nurse told me that she was only testing me for peace of mind and she thinks that i need some psychological help and started going through all of the medication that i could go on to help me. As someone who is about to graduate with a degree in psychology it is even more frustrating because i find myself analysing my behaviour constantly. I am not an expert by any stretch but a little knowledge can be dangerous.

I think my main concern is my parents. Telling them is going to be heart breaking and i cant disappoint them like that.

I tested for all other STD's at 2 weeks which is the window period and they came back clear. This will be my fourth HIV test in the last 9 months. I had person centered counselling about 4 months ago but i think i need to try some CBT. If i could go back to the trigger moment for this particular anxiety (im fully aware of the original trigger) things would be so much different.

[googler192]

Been to the clinic this morning and got a telling off from the nurse. She told me that I need to get a grip because Im only 21 and this is ruling my life. She said that my chances of getting it are extremely low given the circumstances. They didn't do the rapid testing at the clinic that I went to unfortunately so I will have to wait a week for my results. In the meantime- I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to discuss treatment for my anxiety. Hopefully I will be able to begin getting my life back on track as of next week.

Thank you to everyone that replied to this thread - in times where you feel totally alone - the fact that you all took time out of your day to reply and reassure me is touching.

Kind, happy, positive thoughts to you all x

[KeeKee]

Glad you are feeling better but she actually told you you need to get a grip? I find that very callous.
As a teenager I had unprotected sex with a few different people (not proud!) and when I was pregnant I was tested for it (i am clean). I know all too well what it feels like to worry about something so unlikely and can honestly say I feel for you, I am feeling very similar in regards to my own (perceived) health worries.

[scared_ter]

Glad you are feeling better but she actually told you you need to get a grip? I find that very callous.
As a teenager I had unprotected sex with a few different people (not proud!) and when I was pregnant I was tested for it (i am clean). I know all too well what it feels like to worry about something so unlikely and can honestly say I feel for you, I am feeling very similar in regards to my own (perceived) health worries.

As someone who has suffered hugely with hiv HA, I actually think he tone there isn't necessarily a bad thing, a bit of tough love can be good, in the right moment.
It is thankfully one of the most difficult std's to catch if not the most difficult.
If it weren't we'd all be in a lot of trouble.

[googler192]

Her tone was quite abrupt but at the time it seemed appropriate. I am feeling rather sick at the thought of having to wait for the results now but i will just have to find a way to cope with it i guess.

I went to see my doctor this afternoon. She seemed rather concerned about how phobic i am and has put me forward for high intensity CBT. I am happy with this because i know that it is one of the most effective methods of treating HA. However, when i came home my parents were straight onto me asking questions. My dad is convinced that because im 'putting a label on it' that its making me feel worse. He doesnt seem to understand that this is a genuine fear and thing that im going through. He said that i need to just 'carry on'. How do you explain something to someone that insists that a positive frame of mind can cure a multitude of things. Mum is slightly more understanding. She just gets upset because she can't help me. The thing that i find most annoying is that they told me that they find it astonishing that someone with zero life experience (i understand that i'm only 21 so my experiences are limited) can struggle so badly with anxiety. Thats one of the things i find most frustrating.

Another thing that the doctor commented on was my swollen glands. She said that if they haven't gone down in a week then i need to go for blood work because it is not normal for glands to be swollen past 3 weeks. This really worried me! she said that ive got swollen glands under my chin and on my neck and she looked in my ears and said that they look a little blocked to her which can be easily resolved.

Just the glands, sore throat, earache and HIV test results to worry about now.