View Full Version : Struggling with Normality
:weep:Hi anyone,
I don't know why, but the last few days, it had really hit me that I can't be normal like I use to be and do normal things without having a twitch, pain or symptom to remind me that I am not normal anymore. Its really getting me down. I don't really suffer with depression, but I feel so tired of it all. Its not all bad, because I have come along way from 4 months ago, when I struggled to eat, wash and get dressed; let alone anything else. But, its so exhausting having to battle the Anxiety and I'm so scared I will revert back to how I was 4 months ago. I feel like I will never be normal ever again and that gets me down. The worse thing is, that when people see you, they can't see anything wrong with you and inside my body is being ripped to pieces. I find that I have to be constantly talking, walking or doing something to keep the Anxieties at bay and its just so exhausting. Why are so many of us like this? What did we do wrong? :weep:
I too am a bit concerned about not being "normal" anymore, but was walking the dog today and just thought that I'm looking forward to a stable (ish?) new normality when it comes.
You sound like you have already come on the longest journey, I feel lucky that I haven't been as bad, but sad that you had to be.
I hope you can dig deep enough to keep moving forward :)
I don't think this is a punishment, just a thing that happens.
Hope you don't me replying, I just saw your post and felt I'd like to :)
Carnation,
Whether it's a mental illness or a physical illness, unless there is a definitive "cure", we're never the person we were prior. This goes for experiences in our lives. A failed relationship, the loss of a loved one etc., these things change us whether we like it or not.
I had cancer. The surgeries and treatment "healed" me. I don't consider it a cure as my life is not the same as it was before. The illnesses you and I speak of are not curable in the sense of taking a pill and eradicating the bacteria or virus from our bodies. It's not like the common cold where we return to normal after a couple of weeks. We can be healed without doubt, but we have to adapt to what I call the "new normal". Life will not be what it was prior but it's up to us to make it the best it can be.
There are things I must do for the rest of my life that I've never had to do before. There are probably things you'll need to do as well. Just know that while life may be a bit different than it was before, it still can be glorious and filled with wonderful blessings. It's just a matter of how you look at it.
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we handle it" Charles Swindoll
Positive thoughts
Thank you Finnsdad,
Its just that sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something I may have done in the past. Which I haven't. That's the thing. I've always been brave, caring and honest. I may be getting too deep. I am very tired, so my emotions are running away with me. Isn't that what Anxiety is? Emotions playing havoc with your Mind and Body? I maybe took Life for granted before, but I certainly do not now. But, deep down, I know my Life is never going to be the way it was before I got this Anxiety thing????:weep:
---------- Post added at 23:56 ---------- Previous post was at 23:47 ----------
Oh Fishmanpa,
You are so brave and wise! And you give your time helping other people with good advice and understanding. You have been through Hell yourself and you are so positive all the time. I think you have done brilliantly!
You are right, its a new normal Life and I look at everything different now. I probably take time to look at the trees, the sky, stop and talk to people, plan better things for the future; when it arises. But, its just hit me, what has happened. And, like everything else, you never think it will happen to you. I am really emotional tonight and normally, I just get on with stuff. Maybe because the Sun has gone away :(
You ARE normal. Anxiety is a normal human reaction that everybody has - it's a self-preservation element. The only difference between an anxiety sufferer, and a person who isn't, is that our anxiety is on high alert all the time, instead of kicking in when needed.
To me, getting back our control over anxiety is a bit like being on a diet... you do well for a while, fall off the wagon, get back on, and bit by bit you get there. And like Fishmanpa has said, we're all products of our own experiences, we have to be, that's what makes us the people we are - and things like this actually make us stronger in the long run, and more understanding & sympathetic to other people who are suffering in any way.
I don't think there really is a standard "normal" as normal is different for everyone. But I know it really does hurt when you feel like you are a different person and aren't able to get back to who you used to be.
I've always been one of those people who will look at all the negatives before the positives and will center my life around them. For example, if I'm excited about seeing my friends, I'll think about all the bad things going on for me right now and will get less excited. I'll just throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt instead of the cute new outfit I bought for the occasion because I won't see the point in putting in effort and getting thrilled when I'm in such a rut anyway. It's almost like I have an "all-or-nothing" mentality and it's not healthy.
I have decided, though, that I WANT to be happy, and to do so my happiness must be bigger than my fears and problems. I will tell you, it is HARD. I'm out of college with no job and no idea what I want to do. I have a new puppy that is driving me crazy, who seems to hate my family and has me constantly paranoid he's going to end up being aggressive and has me constantly thinking I have made a huge mistake in bringing him home. It's not easy to push these things to the back of my mind, but it's necessary that I start doing so.
Interestingly enough, I suffered from terrible HA a few years ago. Now I mainly suffer from GAD. The feelings are the same, but the sources are different. One of the ways that I was able to get over my HA (at least in large part, there are still some episodes) is that I acknowledged I wasn't doing myself any favors and just refused to think about any symptoms that cropped up. It's like living in denial, and it seems unhealthy, but for me it was a great thing. I'm trying it now in life - if something bad happens, I'll dwell on it for a bit and then I'll move on. I can't change the past, but I can adapt for the present, at least enough to function. You can too - we are amazingly strong creatures, and I believe that those of us who have suffered with anxiety know all to well how strong they can be. You'll see it once you're on the other side of how you're feeling now and hopefully it can help provide you strength for your battles in the future.
I really hope you get to feeling better. Congrats on a great 4 months, and here's to more in the future!
Thanks Daisy Sue and Poppy.
Some great words of encouragement. I don't know what is wrong with me tonight. I just feel really fed-up. And I am not a fed-up sort of person. But, I feel I should be doing more with my Life and I don't know where to start or worried if I have an attack or get ALL the symptoms back. I do see a Therapist and she says 'baby steps'. But, this could take years and I am panicking. I know its selfish, but I want to live my Life now. I feel like I am just hanging around trying to keep myself alive. I hardly do anything now, because I am so scared and that's not a normal life. I have to think and plan everything I do now. Not to do too much, not to go too far; stuff like that. I was so independent before and strong minded. I just feel pathetic now. Weak and over sensitive, emotional and worried all the time.:weep:
It didn't take me years, and believe me I honestly didn't believe I'd ever get 'me' back... I was so changed, so unrecognisable from the person I'd been before, that I envisaged a long road of therapy ahead and being left with a lot of the problems.. It took less than a year in fact! Once I'd crossed the bridge of being petrified I was very ill, and believed it was all actually anxiety, it was only a matter of learning after that, and putting what I'd learned into practice.
You will get there, and baby steps is exactly the way to go.. don't expect too much of yourself, just aim for little goals, a day at a time.
Well these posts have certainly struck a chord with me and opened the floodgates. I have been crying non stop for about an hour! Suppose its good to let the emotion out but my face is in such a state now and the kids are due in from school soon, lol. I have been a worrier all my life so dont really know what the "old me" is like but I am sure I was mostly a happy person in the past. Something has got to change because I cant continue to live my life like this.
I think it is important for you to remind yourself of your achievements so far. You might not be where you want to be but you have definately achieved some great things in the last few months :). I know how tough it is as i also feel that anxiety is holding me back and stopping me from living a "normal" life like i once had but hang on in there. It will gradually get easier.
xrachykinsx
16-06-14, 17:09
I have been in the same boat as you. I got so poorly with anxiety last October/November and have been recovering ever since. There comes a part where you get so bad that you have to start breaking it all down and just take comfort in getting yourself 'improved' rather than 'normal'
I'm starting to taper my meds now as they are giving me other symptoms, but I will tell you that the best medication for helping me see life is the same as it used to be is getting up, and carrying on doing what you got to do. Meeting with friends, working etc, all of this builds your confidence back up. If it wasn't for me going back to work, I'd still be sitting here everyday dwelling on what a horrible experience I've had. I totally understand the idea of 'will I ever be normal ', I've posted similar posts to this in my bad days. Time is a healer when you have an episode like this, but you must carry on, get out there and do things, it really does help no matter how hard it seems now xx
The symptoms constantly remind me that I am ill and no matter what I try to do, it's there haunting me. I can't tell the checkout girl; 'Ouch, I just felt a pain shoot in my head', or a shop assistant; 'Oh Hell, I have rushes in my legs and I've gone all dizzy'. We have to keep this to ourselves when we are out in the big wide world and by the end of the day, we are exhausted and fed-up with it all.
This is not normal and everyday there seems to be a new symptom, so you end up waking up in the morning thinking; "what's going to happen to me today?'.
I understand that it takes time to repair your body and mind, but how do we know if we pushing ourselves too much and can we end up at rock-bottom again with the stresses of Life?
The way I feel at the moment, is I have this for Life! My Life will never be the same. I will always be scared, in pain and exhausted with it all.:weep::weep:
Hi Carnation
In your first post you mentioned that you don't suffer from depression, but reading the rest of your posts I'm wondering if perhaps you might be?
When you're feeling anxious all the time,it can make you feel depressed as well,I only suggest this,as it may not be the case,but if it is,might some meds help to lift your mood a bit?
If you're fighting dragons,you need the best armour you can get,and perhaps if you have a chat with your gp,and talk to him,the way you have to us here,and see what he suggests.
There is a way through this,please know that.
I have had to climb back up from an awful place to get where I am now.
I'd had a major op,3 stays in hospital within a month,my daughter had been very poorly indeed,and had been in hospital herself for a long time.
You can overcome this too.
Sending you a hug.:hugs:
Thanks Aprilmoon,
I think you may be right. I did see my GP and he did prescribe anti-depressants and I haven't taken them because I am too scared!:scared15:
I have seen my Mother take so many pills and she has nearly died so many times from taking pills that don't agree with her. Only last year, I had to nurse her round from collapsing on the floor when her pressure went down to 80 from 180. I'm just too scared to take anything and I would stay up all night incase I died!!:scared15:
And I can't die, I have my Mother to look after; she's on her own now and housebound. (My Father died 6 weeks ago, but I was caring for him as well, as he had Parkinson's Disease). My Mother-in-law is wheelchair bound and has Dementia and my Partner is ill with stress as well. Even the Cat is depressed. Spends most of his time on top of the ward-robe.:ohmy:
I have to be around and able to look after everyone and Carry On!
Now I am ill and really struggling with everything. I am fighting it all the time, but I think you have hit the nail on the head. I am very depressed, probably have been for some time. I get so much pain, it hurts real bad and I am sure I have bone cancer or something. :weep:My Mother had Cancer, so I've got into my head that I will get it too.
See, the Health Anxiety is popping up again and I am trying to ignore it.
You have been through so much as well, how do you cope? You are always helping other people as well. I admire you.
Oh dear Carnation. You are dealing with a lot. I m not surprised you are feeling low. I too am scared of medication and I cant even bring myself to go to the doctor and discuss how I am feeling. I just cant talk about it without bursting into tears. I just think that I should be able to sort myself out on my own and its not working at the moment. What meds have you been given? At least your doc is aware and you have got something as a last resort. Hope you are ok today. x
Hi Humly, I know what you mean. I always break-down at the Doctors and they don't quite know what to do with me. I have eventually plucked up the courage to get blood tests done for just about everything and I get my results today. As you can imagine, I have been anxious waiting for the results and am quite prepared to cry again today. :weep:
Good luck. Hope everything goes well for you x
Hi Carnation
Thankyou for your kind comments, it was much appreciated.
How did you get on with your results? I've been thinking about you.
I've often been the same when I've gone to visit my GP,I've even been upset in the waiting room before I've even gone in!
Please don't be frightened about taking meds, your doctor wouldn't have prescribed them if it wasnt alright,its understandable though.
Sometimes its only when you begin to feel better that you realize how much you needed them,its as though you realize " so that's what I'm supposed to feel like" type of thing.
Take care x
Hi AprilMoon,
Well, I cried again yesterday.
Cried with relief. My results were good news. Gave so much blood to be tested for everything and it was all ok. What a relief. So, I said to my Doctor, "You mean to say that all this I am feeling is down to Anxiety?" He looked back at me and said, "Well, YES.":ohmy:
All I can say is, it's a good job with have this Site.:)
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