View Full Version : He said he's had enough...
..this is my delightful husband. We've been married 3 years, together 4. When we got together for the first 2 1/2 years he was at uni 200 miles away and now, he said, since he's been living with me he cannot put up with my inability to do things anymore. He married me KNOWING i was agoraphobic, but now, he doesn't want a wife that can't go out! He wants me to do things that i just can't do. Today he said he thought i was relapsing despite having been out at my mothers for hours!!!!!
For starters i don't feel that inclined to go out with a man who verbally abuses me on a daily basis, who says i look sh*t, that my face "needs sorting" (due to acne scarring) and that i am totally unsexy. I'm aware of all this, but i don't want to hear it. Today for example i was called an f**king idiot about 10 times. Maybe i am stupid and thick and all the things he says, but he's MY HUSBAND and shouldn't say mean things to me, i'm his wife and he's knows what i'm like and how his nasty comments effect me. So what makes him think that he can do that??
WHY on earth would i want to go out with him when he makes me feel like crap, and now he says he's leaving because of ME!!!!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR......:(
SarahC
Oh my God Sarah - I am so sorry.......
He really does not sound like a very nice person. You should be with someone that loves you for who you are, that respects you, that trusts you, that is supportive in everyway. Sarah - thats what you need - can he offer you that ? x
I dont know if my word will be of comfort or help - but stay strong honey really strong x
Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to send you great big hugs
((((((HUGS))))))))
Lynnann
<center>(((((S)))))</center>
Love Piglet x
Hi Sarah
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. He certainly is doing nothing for your self esteem and confidence, no one should have to put up with that. Try and keep strong.
(((((hugs)))))
chillx
So Sorry Sarah,
No that's not helping you at all huh!
It's definately NOT YOU!
Take Care & sending you some STRONG HUGS.
Love Pip's X X
Pippa.
Aw Sarah how awful.
Does your Mum know this is going on? Can you turn to her for support just now?
You need support, not further stress being inflicted on you! I hope it is just frustration and he'll come to his senses.
You're beautiful, so don't listen to a word he's saying - we're all here for you.
Nel xxx
___________________________________________
"At the end of a storm, there's a golden sky..."
yorkylover
13-12-06, 23:20
(((((((((((((((((BIG HUG SARAH))))))))))))))
You dont need to be told these sort of things,it will just knock you right back pet.
Marraige vows in sickness and in health.You have an illness,and need help and support.Dont let him bring you down sarah.
luv
Ellen XX
stuff him hun and come to a guy who sees beauty on inside and the outside.xxx bug hugs.x
Oh my..
Thank you for your lovely words, i feel humbled for you all to have replied to me.
Nel: My mother kind of knows that he's not the nicest of fellas. I try not to involve her when we row as it only fuels what she thinks of him already. Its very hard because i am one of these women who say "...but i love him so much".
I'm not perfect, please let me get that across, i can be a right moaner (aren't most women, isn't that our job??..lol), however i am NOT abusive! I told him in an email just the other day that at nights when he sits on his lappy and me on mine on other sides of the room, i have honestly never felt as lonely as i do right now. I don't want to sound like i want sympathy cause thats not what i am after. Someone just to maybe understand that what i am doing (being myself and being sick) doesn't make me a sh*t person that deserves to be divorced because of it.
Sorry to ramble on...
SarahC
no offence sarah but you dont deserved to be divorced because youre sick , however he does deserve to be divorced for being so cruel to you.
i have suffered with anxiety for a long time , since i was a child but when i got married to my first husband who was verbally and physically agressive it made everything so much worse . at first i felt greatfull that someone wanted me but after 3 years i hated him . After finally getting away i became agrophobic partly because of a fear of him seeing me and me him and partly because all the nasty things he had said to me became true to me .
a man like this will never help you get better only worse and the sad thing is , some of them get a kick out of it , i know mine did .
i hope you find the strength to deal with your problems.
bb natty
Hi Sarah
I'm so sorry this is happening in your life (((hugs)))
Right now you probably need emotional support and understanding more than anything else.
This site is a great support and I know there are others here who have been hurt in this way.
Take Care,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
keepemlaughing
14-12-06, 04:51
Kick him to the curb girl! I know exactly how you feel. I never felt as lonely as i did when my ex husband and i were together. and the worse it got between us, the worse my anxiety and depression got, and i did not feel worthy to go anywhere with him. He fueled the anxiety by cutting me down and like you said, sitting in a room across from one another and feeling so alone. I am worth more than that. We split three years ago, and NOW we are actually friends. But i wouldn't be back with him for nothing in the world. Keep your head up. Your head knows what to do even if your heart won't listen.
Sheryl
Sheryl
Always expect a train.
Sarah, being in an abusive relationship is harming your health and if he can't see that his behaviour is removing your chance of recovery, then he doesn't deserve you. You have rights too, to be respected and cared for by a person who chose you as a life partner. Write him a letter and tell him this, if he doesn't respond positively, move in with your mum and to hell with him.
Jo x
Sarah,
We are all here for you!
Red
Hi Sarah,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) )))))))
Take Care
Mandyxx
Hi Sarah,
Sounds like he doesn't deserve you hun. All this abuse you are suffering from will only make your problems worse, because you won't be able to be YOU!! Stuff him, I know it's hard when you love someone so much, but like you said, he's the one who's changed; you are still the person he married so why the change of heart now?
He's not worthy of you, you are a beautiful person and don't let him try and make you think otherwise.
Take care.
Les, xx
Hi Sarah,
You do not deserve to be treated this way by a man who is supposed to love you.
Back in October my husband raised his hand to me,he didnt hit me but he was very angry. This had never happened before and hasnt since,but if it ever happens again Ive told him we'll be finished. We have to be strong for ourselves and our children.How can we be strong if we are being weakened by someone we love. Ask yourself Sarah what you love about him.
I am not telling you to leave him Sarah,cos youll only do that if and when youre ready, Im just saying I understand and feel for you.
Take care
julie x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Oh my..
Thank you for your lovely words, i feel humbled for you all to have replied to me.
Nel: My mother kind of knows that he's not the nicest of fellas. I try not to involve her when we row as it only fuels what she thinks of him already. Its very hard because i am one of these women who say "...but i love him so much".
I'm not perfect, please let me get that across, i can be a right moaner (aren't most women, isn't that our job??..lol), however i am NOT abusive! I told him in an email just the other day that at nights when he sits on his lappy and me on mine on other sides of the room, i have honestly never felt as lonely as i do right now. I don't want to sound like i want sympathy cause thats not what i am after. Someone just to maybe understand that what i am doing (being myself and being sick) doesn't make me a sh*t person that deserves to be divorced because of it.
Sorry to ramble on...
SarahC
<div align="right">Originally posted by sarahc - 13 December 2006 : 23:56:21</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You don't deserve any abuse hon, never mind divorce.
It's the personal insults which are the worst by the sound of it. If he resents your illness then that is understandable to a point - but he could say that he's frustrated without lacing it with personal insults that will only make you worse!
Maybe counselling of some sort would help? My CB therapist asked my hubby to attend a couple of my sessions, she devoted one entire session to just us and how we coped together. It was very helpful.
Nel xxx
___________________________________________
"At the end of a storm, there's a golden sky..."
I think its called "karma".
When i was with my ex i was right in the middle of my housebound period, didn't do anything, go anywhere and i wasn't a very nice person. I was extremely OCD too and i would go crazy if anything was "not right/straight." I understand (now) that probably it was all to do with the panic and the state of my mental health.
However...i feel what goes around, comes around.
Sarah.
HE says HE"S had enough??? He sounds like a jerk... sound like YOU'VE had enough. Sorry, but I think maybe you should have left him 200 mi away.
I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier, though, so (((hugs))) and hang in there!!!
Sarah
Just like each and everyone of us, you deserve love and respect; when each of us is ill, we need help and support.
Life is too short to settle for second best; his approach doesn't even appear to be the kinder of the tough love scenaraios, eg "snap out of it, and pull yourself together".
Its not easy to just dump someone you love - you can't turn off feelings, particularly when you are so stressed and anxious, but I suspect that underneath it all, he is adding to and is part of your anxiety.
May be a break from each other would be good?
You deserve better.
Lots of warmth winging its way to you.
Sandie
...I'm sat here in my front room doing the "normal", him over there, me over here and i feel positively horrid.
He's just not got a caring, thoughtful bone in his entire body.
On a Thursday we allow my son to play an HOUR of his playstation providing he has behaved himself at school and he's got *good boy* stickers to prove it (sounds harsh, but its the best way to keep computer games down to a minimum). Anyway, my little man just called down and asked me to help him find one of his games that he wanted to play.....before i'd even said a thing, my husband shouted up in a harsh tone "YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING UP THERE FOR HALF AN HOUR!" Whereas my response would have been "Okay, give me a sec, i'll help you" (which i did do after he shouted his bit). Doesn't sound much to read it, its just the way he speak it ALWAYS as if HE IS THE MASTER/LEADER/CONTROLLER!!!!!!
I am frustrated and on the verge on breakdown, i know because i've been there before. I don't want this right before Christmas.
I've had a f* enough now! :(
SarahC.
Sandi..
He is just about to start a new job in January which will take him away for training for 9 weeks. That'll be a break!
Sarah
Hi Sarah
Is it possible that the new job is contributing to his frustration and anger which he is obviously venting on you and your son? Is he worred about being away from your for 9 weeks - sometimes attack is the best form of defence and he may be exhibiting signs of this. Either way, I suspect the break will do you both the world of good - he might just realise what's missing from his life and the important part you play in it.
Take care - not abuse!!
Sandie
Sandi..
The job isn't causing stress, he has always been like this, its just that over the last little while it has been getting worse.
Sarah
hi sarah i,m reading your post with absoulte disbelief that any man could treat his wife in this way!!!!!!!you really are a strong woman and you should be sooooo proud of yourself as you are a very strong person to live with panic and anxiety every single day.i know it must be really hard for him too,but like you said he knew about your condition and still he willingly married you.IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH!!!!!!!!!!!all i can say is do whatever makes you happy,and if that means ending your marriage then so be it,as after all you and your little boy are the most important things right now
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
rach x
hi sarah
i have no answers love only empathy and compassion and im a bloke lol!
Mick
hi sarah im sending you loads of hugs.have you told him how you feel and sat were hes listened to you,and what your feeling and what you think.i think you really need to talk to him as the way you are being treated is not on.you deserve respect and shouldnt have to take it.thinking of you and we are all always here for you.take care tracy
feels_like_home
14-12-06, 22:36
Hi Sarah,
You dererve to be with a person who loves you unconditionally. You need positive people in your life to love and support you. Never forget that you are not alone and that there are so many amazing people on this site who truly care about you.
Take care,
Michelle
TAM: He has NO compassion as he feels its MY fault for his life being sh*t. Talking to him does nothing but causes rows.
Its his birthday today and i've asked him what he wants to do and he said "WHAT *CAN* WE DO?"....meaning i am agoraphobic and i can't go out!!!!!!!
Another crap start to another crap day!
Sarah,
He sounds like a right ****er![}:)]
My missus would have cut my balls off if I'd treated her like you've been. If you kick a dog it'll do one of two things .... lay down and die, or get up and bite you.
If he comes back from his training and hasn't changed towards you and the wee fella, tell him to "F#$% off"!
Happiness and light to you,
'Chopper'
I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!
James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849
oh so sorry sarah,you shouldnt have to put up with all that.i dont really know what to say.what are your feelings for him,do you want to split up,what can you do about it as you dont need that,it needs sorting one way or the other.take care tracy
Just want to be happy, respected, loved and cared for.
I'm not a high maintenance girl, i like simple things, so its not as if i "want for lovely things" all the time.
Is that asking too much? From a man who resents you, i guess it flipping is!
Sarah.
Hey Sarah,
I bet you're gorgeous!:D
If he's unhappy with you and thinks he can do better, let him!![B)]
Kids can p*$% you off but they're always your kids, partners are like underpants ...... when they become shi#£*, change them!!![8)]
Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'
I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!
James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849
To top everything off....my wee laddy is sick with some kind of stomach virus. THIS is testing my emetophobia!
My husband worked all day yesterday, didn't get in until 9pm and we are both working today, so its an "arguement free zone"...lol
starflower
17-12-06, 11:04
Thinking of you
Hugs
Andrea
The drama continues...
I've just been told "I don't like any of your family, i am NOT going to your sisters boxing day, i will pack and leave on Christmas Eve when you're at work. Christmas is S**t because of the company i am with"
I am teetering on the edge of something really bad. I've had a f***ing enough now, i cannot cope with this crap anymore.
I just want someone to love me, to REALLY care for my feelings, who supports me in my achievements and failures, i don't have that with him, not at all. I don't ask for much, never have.
I've had it now.
Sarah.
normalwisdom
19-12-06, 20:25
From reading this thread Sarah it sounds like you deserve a lot better than this!!! I'm sorry but if that was my hubby he wouldn't be packing his bags...I would do it for him make sure he doesn't forget anything!
What do your family think? Will they be supportive if anything happened.
Take Care
Steph
Yeah. They would support me.
But i want HIM to love me, but he hates me, resents me and blames me for his life being poo.
Sarah
normalwisdom
19-12-06, 20:30
Will HE talk to anyone about it Sarah it seems that he is the one with the problem at the moment. Do you talk to your family about all of this?
Steph
He won't talk. He is NEVER wrong. You cannot talk with a man who is perfect.
I don't talk about it to my family, if they knew the full extent it would worry them too much.
Sarah
keepemlaughing
19-12-06, 20:33
Sarah, you are that someone that has to love you. It sounds like you started believing what he said about you. I am telling you from true experience, it does not get any better. The abuse will, if it hasn't already, eventually become physical. I know it is hard to start over. After I left my abusive husband, emotionally and occassionally physically, I turned to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain. Now three years later I am drug and alcohol free, I work at a college, have my own little duplex for me and my granddaughters, and really my life isn't half bad. I used to think I would be such a failure if I wasn't with someone. Now I no longer need someone else to validate my being. I am here and I am actually HAPPY[:P]. Not every second, but a whole lot more than when I was married. Believe me when I say this, the hardest part is actually leaving. It all gets better after that. And one more thing, do you want your child to grow up feeling like he is a failure and having someone constantly remind them of it. Do it for your son if not for yourself.
Sorry if I am coming on too strong. I cringe at the thought of a man brow beating a woman to make himself feel all superior and in control of something. They are usually just suffering from little man syndrome. lol.
Take care.
:)
Sheryl
Always expect a train.
He is extremely verbally abusive and he's only been physically twice.
normalwisdom
19-12-06, 20:50
ONLY Physically twice.........physically how? Sorry but that just isn't on!
I know I shouldn't be commenting but please do something about all this talk to someone, get him to talk some how!
Take Care
Steph
he won't talk, he won't listen. in his eyes its ALL me.
Hi Sarah,
What is it that you want to do? Please bear in mind he won't change unless he seeks professional help and with what you say it is unlikely he will. Do you work? If you were to leave him would your family support you?
You do really have to consider your options. Have you thought that this situation may be the root cause of your anxiety.
Take care and keep posting here. We are all here to support you.
chillx
groovygranny
19-12-06, 21:13
Sarah, he won't talk and won't listen - but it sounds as though he likes the sound of his own voice. So, if you're not around he'll be talking to himself won't he?!
Maybe a trial seperation is what's needed here. You know, sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's not there anymore - so perhaps this is what he needs to bring him to his senses. And if it doesn't, well, I'm afraid it's his loss and he deserves to be pitied.
I fear that if you don't take some quite drastic action, like going to stay with your family and telling him you won't be back until he agrees to communicate in a proper manner, then you will be in for a very distressing time. And, as has been said previously, your little boy doesn't deserve that and neither do you.
I'm sorry if I sound very abrupt and I certainly don't mean to offend you but, like many others here, I care and hate to see someone being treated the way you are.
Please, please take the advice of everyone here and go to your family so that you can at least have some peace to sort your head out, and then you can make a sound judgement on what you decide to do.
Lots of love to you and your little boy,
GG
xxx
'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'
Didn't see this coming....
He watched the agoraphobic show downstairs, while i sat upstairs. I came down when it finished to a mouthful of "You're not trying hard enough"...."Look how far they have come".....blah blah blah!
Bedtime!
GG...We'll be having a proper seperation. He's told me he's leaving me on Christmas Eve.
groovygranny
19-12-06, 23:41
Sorry to be so pedantic, but why is he waiting til then? Is he going on Christmas Eve in order to have the most impact on you and get his warped point across? (having said that, I'm sure he needs as much, if not more, help as you do sarah)
If you think so, and it's possible for you, I'd go to your family before then. That should take the wind out of his sails. I'm very sorry if I'm sounding bitchy toward him but I'm so cross and don't want to see you suffer any more.
Lotsa luv
GG
xx
'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'
keepemlaughing
20-12-06, 00:20
I agree with granny completly. He is trying to make this big dramatic exit, or make you think he is to ruin your holiday and keep you on hold. Leave first and without warning with the message that when you return, he better not be there or you will have the police remove him. Get tough, he is.
Sheryl
Sheryl
Always expect a train.
hi sarah sorry things are no better for you,you dont need this,i know you say you want to be loved and cared for and you wish it was different,but i dont think you will get it from your husband ,you deserve better than this.do you thinkhe will go im not sure as if he was going he would go now not christmas eve.how do you feel about going to your family? or do you want to stay were you are now.it will be hard if you split but you do not deserve any of the stuff your getting and shouldnt have to put up with it.hope things get better for you soon.tc tracy
p.s.hope your boy feeling better
(((((((((SARAH)))))))))))
Sending hug for you Sarah and wishing you a peaceful Christmas. Ive been in a similar situation before I got divorced and my heart goes out to you and your son. You will come through this.
Take care
julie x
So sorry to hear about your problems. I think in the long run both you and your son will be better off without him. I'd ask him to leave now or make sure you and your son are out on Christmas Eve to miss his dramatic gesture. Happiness comes from within ourselves, and you may find that when he's gone at least there is stability and calm instead of a volatile, uncertain atmosphere. Take care.
normalwisdom
20-12-06, 17:18
Spuds.. I think you hit it there "dramatic gesture" seems about right as has been said before if he wants to leave why wait until Christmas Eve!
Sending you loads of hugs for you and your son Sarah
((((HUGS))))
Steph
Well...yesterday i was sick all day and he was actually very good to me, running around getting me drinks, hot water bottles, took my wee laddy out of dinner because just the thought of food made me gag!!!!
....today - we are back to "normal", i knew it would last long!
Sarah
Sarah,just a thought. Do you think that maybe he also suffers from anxiety and that he is scared and unable to show it/talk about it ?
That could be why he acts the way he does. some people would rather act like they dont care rather than admit to what they may see as weakness. Know what I mean?
Take care
julie x
Whatever happens I'll handle it !
Hi Sarah
You deserve better than this - it is hard enough suffering with anxiety and agoraphobia without the added pressure and abuse of an unsupportive husband.
I was in your position for years and I got out of a 16 yrs marriage and yes it was hard as I had been agoraphobic for years but you find an inner strength and you will get through it.
Do what is right for you.
Darkangel
........life is for living not just for surviving
Hi Sarah,
So sorry your going through so much crap hun. I hope you and your son are feeling better now.
People who don't suffer with anxiety just don't really get it at all. I know my Hubby tries to help when I have a panic but sometimes it really frustrates him as he can't help me and he feels out of control.
You really deserve so much better then your getting hun. Have you tried talking about how it makes you feel. I was suprised that he watched the House Of Agrophobics. Does that mean he is paying a slight interest?
Could it be just stress making him act like this or has it just started when your problems with agrophobia started etc...?
Thinking Of You.
BIG HUGS.
Take Care,
Love Pip's X X X X
Pippa.
Hi Pippa...
I think he watched the show to just see how people CAN recover and then at a later date, throw it in my face that i am unable to get well as quick as other people! Unfortunately, so i have now been told, not all of them have made a full recovery, so its shown him that it is very hard and its not just me *not trying*.
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Hopefully as you say it will prove to him just how bloody difficult this anxiety thing can be huh!
Take it easy.
Love Pip's X X
Pippa.
Hi Sarah. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. Do you think he is really going to leave on Christmas Eve or is he just testing you or trying to frighten you or make you more independent? Is he just looking for some sort of reaction from you? When he is grumpy or rude to you, do you ever shout at him or argue or tell him you won't stand for it? Some of his comments to you are totally unacceptable and you should tell him so (as long as you are sure he won't physically hurt you of course). It sounds like he is frustrated by the situation and doesn't know what to do. He probably does love you and he wants you to get better, but he doesn't know how to help and is going about everything the wrong way. You cannot go on like this. I know you love him but it won't be the end of the world if he leaves. If you are agoraphobic you don't need to worry about being alone. You can do your shopping on the internet and you can ask friends or neighbours to help with the school run. Please don't stay with someone who makes you unhappy just because you are scared of being on your own. Believe me, you will cope. You are stronger than you think. [^]
Hi Shoegal...
In response to your message...
He has said he IS leaving Christmas Eve. I am working so i'll not know what is going on (thats why he's chosen that day!).
Testing me? Frightening me? This would NOT be the first time he has told me he's leaving. He has left on one occassion (again while i was working) but came back the same day.
He knows what he says is wrong, but he says them to HURT me, the only reason. I've not mentioned a 1/10th of the things that i've been called....everytime i remember them it makes me upset.
We had a discussion last night about my agoraphobia and he just thinks i am useless and i am not trying. He keeps saying that within the 18months of me having a car i am no better. Thats not strictly true, i still have panic trouble and i am still scared - but like i said to him, does it make me a bad person? Do i deserve to be spoken to in such a way because i have this problem. He says "No one else would go out with an agoraphobic."
Nice huh!?
....and now today. He is on his works do won't be home until goodness knows what time and of course i am worried about what he is doing. If he talks to me like he does, he doesn't care about me - who knows what he will get up to!
Sarah
If he really does not care about you, then you will be better off without him. Why has he chosen Christmas day to leave in particular (apart from you being out that day)? Is there somewhere he is planning to go on that particular day? Is he planning to spend Christmas with someone else (family or something)?
And as for no one else would have a relationship with an agoraphobic.... IT'S NOT TRUE!!! When I was agoraphobic as a young woman I had several boyfriends who were really understanding and liked me regardless of my problems. They NEVER said I was useless or ugly etc and were always really good about it. I'm not saying there were no problems, but they were never abusive or unkind, and the agoraphobia was not the reason we broke up. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who is really understanding and helps me with the agoraphobia most of the time. The only thing he wishes he could change is my fear of eating out in resaturants because he would love to take me out for a meal! There are millions of agoraphobics who have happy marriages or relationships, so please don't believe him. Someone will love you for who you are and will appreciate the huge amount of bravery it takes for you to do everyday things.
Hi Sarah
Im sorry to hear that things have gotton a lot worse.
You know the right thing to do - follow your heart and be brave and you will get through it - no matter what. You are so strong living in the stressful circumstances you are in at the moment - so you can handle anything. What he is doing is abuse - no-one needs to live with this.
Ive been there and lived in the same "Hell" for years - but you can escape. Contact Womens Aid for advice - and not all guys are the same regarding agoraphobics.
Take care
Darkangel
........life is for living not just for surviving
I am confused. I am stupid and i love him but then......sometimes i think that being without him *perhaps* would be better in the long run.
I live in hope that he will love me.
Sarah
Sarah
Never say you are stupid - you are so not.
We cannot make people love us or change them no matter how much we try.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally - dont settle for anything less.
Love Dark
........life is for living not just for surviving
My mum lived for nearly 20 years being told she was stupid, being mentally abused you deserve so much more (((((HUGS)))))
I know i am stupid. I spend my life apologising to people.
Sarah, you are not stupid. He's just making you feel that way. You are a human being who deserves respect and you're not getting it from him.
TC Jo
Jo
Being agoraphobic...makes it VERY hard meeting anyone else! Thats if i wanted to of course. I need to find myself a new fella with an anxiety/panic disorder!!!!!
Just don't know.
Sarah, please believe me when I say you are not stupid.
It is possible that your man is having some sort of breakdown because he can't cope. And remember he hasn't actually left you yet, and even if he does, he might come back. It is not actually over yet, so don't give up hope.
Yes, you are agoraphobic which makes it difficult to meet people, but there are other ways. It is entirely possible that you will recover enough to go out a little bit in the future, so don't give up hope. Like I said in my earlier post, I've had lots of boyfriends while I have been agoraphobic and they were all great about it.
keepemlaughing
23-12-06, 07:04
Sarah,
I may sound like a horrible uncaring person, but I have to say this, you have gotten loads of advice here, and all seem to have the same general concensus, the guy is a creep and treats you like crap, leave him. I know you love him, Sarah. I loved the guy who abused me physically and emotionally for over 20 years. I could not imagine life without him. And imagining him with someone else was more than I could bear. But you know what Sarah, I finally had enough. I knew that I had a hard road ahead of me, starting over on my own, and it wasn't easy. I cried a lot of tears, drank a lot of beers, and treated myself like ****, but I made it. It has been three years now and I get stronger and more secure every day. I used to have so many bouts of anxiety and depression that it seemed like I was constantly suffering. That isn't the case anymore. And I quit thinking that I had to be with someone to feel good. I am okay just being me. You know you are not stupid and you know that if you say you are that all the good kind people here will try to convince you that you aren't. Listen to the words people have written you. Really listen. And quit cutting yourself down. I used to do the same and the people I was around got sick of hearing it. They eventually just said "whatever". No one here can make you believe something you don't want to believe, or do something you don't want to do. Please don't take this the wrong way, I am writing because I care. If he does leave on Christmas eve, do yourself and your child a favor, DON'T LET HIM COME BACK. He sounds like he is the type that would leave but try to keep his foot in the door just in case he needed a place to come back to. I wish you and your child a very happy Christmas no matter what the jerk does. Take care, and let us know what happens.
;)
Sheryl
Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?
I seriously cannot take anymore.
I went out this morning at 7.30 to go shopping with my mum, then after that i went to her house and cleaned it for her and then we did some more shopping making me get home at 2.30.
Since i have been home i've been bombarded with this crap.
"I'm only staying here until the time is right"
"You're a f* idiot"
"Take all my s**t back to the shops, don't want it"
"This is going to be my worst Christmas EVER"
"When i leave here i am going to get fit and enjoy my life again. Its only because of you i look like this and the way i look represents my life......S**T"
I simply CANNOT.....CANNOT take this anymore. Its F* Christmas yet it feels like hell. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be happy. I just hate being so down - especially now, at Christmas. I prayed and prayed to God for a miracle, just to enjoy ourselves, its not going to happen.
I keep asking myself what i have done to deserve a man who hates me as much as he does. I've never cheated, i don't (obviously) go out spending his money (NEVER have!)....i DO moan...but flipping heck....
Need to stop crying now....
HAPPY F* CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nomorepanic
23-12-06, 17:07
Sarah
Sorry to hear you are having a bad time.
I would pack his bag for him and leave it outside lol
No-one deserves to be treated like that.
I hope you can sort things out.
Nicola
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Sarah, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with this man. He either tells you what the real problem is and sorts it out, or he should pack his bags and GET OUT immediately. Saying he will leave when he feels like it is an empty threat and you should NOT tollerate it. He is being absolutely monstrous and you would be much better off without him in the long run. Please don't put up with his behaviour anymore. You are a fabulous woman and deserve to be treated like one!
I was in an abusive relationship many years ago, my ex husband was verbally abusive on a daily basis. The result is that you start to believe everything that they tell you. I believed I was worthless, stupid, ugly and a burden to him.
He had all manner of nasty pet names for me. He was physically abusive as well and part of me had begun to believe I deserved that as well.
There is hope though. I divorced my husband and I survived and my children survived and I began to realise that I am not worthless, stupid, ugly or a burden to anyone.
I have lived with my partner for 15 yrs and he has never called me names or been physically abusive. You will be much better off without him!
Pack his bags for him and tell him he can't come home until he signs up for counselling to deal with his own issues and low opinion of women.
If he won't do this then you will survive without him and be happier for it!
Hugs to you
Lynnann
He's going to his mothers today while i am at work, i don't even know if he'll be here when i get back!
groovygranny
24-12-06, 09:07
Sara, I know we're all saying the same thing - but the ultimate decision is yours love. We don't want to see you hurt anymore.
Love to you
GG [:P]
xx
'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'
I got home from work today (he was still out) and by the time he got back i'd prepared all the veg for Christmas dinner, started making the bread sauce (from scratch, no packets), i'd chopped up TEN onions for onion gravey and wrapped up 5 presents aswell - and what do i get??? NOTHING BUT MORE CRAP! He said as soon as he walks through the door he just gets angry.
Thanks a lot. I am trying my hardest here to please him and its still not good enough.
Do i have any more tears to cry?????
I thought he was leaving today?
Jo
"Time is not right"
Is what i was told!
Sarah
Only you can decide when things need to change and that you no longer want him in your life- but make that decision soon for your own safety and sanity.
Linda xxx
Hi Sarah,
I hope Christmas is ok for you, and he hasn't ruined it by messing you about.
Loads of love and hugs,
shoegal xxx
feels_like_home
25-12-06, 20:46
Hi Sarah,
I have been following your post for a couple days. It just breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. Once a week I work for a program called The Partner Assault Response Program and I am a spousal contact worker. I contact women who have been or who are currently in abusive relationships. Abuse is not just physical. It is verbal and psychological as well. It is not only harmful to the person being abused, but to children as well. It is a cycle that will continue until you choose to end it. I completely understand how hard it is to end an abusive relationship, as I have talked to hundreds of women who have been in or are currently in abusive relationships. Many of them have been with their partners for years and continue to hope that things will change. They love their partner and cannot understand how they could do this to them. I am not in anyway telling you what to do. You have to decide what is best for you and your child. If you ever need to talk I am here to listen and support you no matter what you decide. I also thought you might find the 24 hour national domestic violence helpline useful. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I just want to give you some resources.
Take care,
Michelle
We survived Christmas Day!!!!
I'm fully aware we're just "going through the motions", but whatever it takes to make it happy for my little boy - he deserves that!!
I'm alone right now and enjoying the peace and quite.
start divorce proceedings citing his unreasonable behaviour, what an arse!
Michelle...
I was not upset at all by what you said ;)
Sarah x
keepemlaughing
27-12-06, 03:00
Hi Sarah,
I am glad to hear that you had an alright Christmas. I read something that you said a couple of posts ago and it reminded me of my husband so much. When he walked through the door he would immediately get mad and be set off by something so small. I now understand that the anger was at himself for being too weak to actually make a move and leave. He was getting his power by controlling the emotions and feelings of everyone in the house. He was so unfair and cruel and absolutely did not care how much he hurt me. He would go out of his way to make sure I WAS hurt. He was a chicken, a weak little chicken. I think that if I had not finally ended our 20 year relationship, I would still be sitting at home the day after Christmas crying my eyes out from the emotional abuse and neglect. We have been apart for 3 1/2 years and guess who was over at 9 am to bring one of the girls batteries. A few hours later I stopped by his house to let the other granddaughters say Merry Christmas to their pawpaw. We are friends now. We are not sexually active and have not been with each other in over a year. I think he respects me more now than he ever did when we were together. I was so sad and miserable for almost the entire 20years. Hard to believe. I really thought that if I stuck it out love would eventually soften him and he would finally love me the way I deserved to be loved. I hope that you do not have to wait that long. Just keep praying! You already know what to do.
Love ya,;)
Sheryl
Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?
It is distressing to imagin what you are going through. I strongly believe you should NOT putup with any abuse. At the very least go away for a medium term duration, if that is possible. I am not sure, if its alright to say this, but if you are in a rented house, how about you finding a new place. If your present lease agreement is between you and your owner, how about trying to get it transfered to him, if he wishes to stay more, or just terminating the lease and moving somewhere else and dont let him in any longer. I come from a different culture, I am not born and broughtup in the west, so my appologies if any of this sounds not correct to say.
asdf
*Have edited this, please ignore!*
Hi Kate...
So despite the put downs over the years, you too stayed with a man who you don't think *really* loves you. Why do we do this?? What makes us stay with such people.
I can pretty much say, if i was to leave my husband (or him leave me) i would never find another man who would put up with all my "problems". Since i've been with my husband i've gained probably another 10 problems on top of my already many issues!
If i am realistic, when i stand back and look at myself, i can HONESTLY say there is NOT one thing about me that a man would find mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually attractive. I am NOT a "good catch" for anyone. I am SOOO far off being a catch at all. If any man HAS got any sense they'd run as fast as they could in the opposite direction and never look back.
I suppose i am staying with my husband so i don't spend my life alone.
Bloody sad isn't it.
Sarah x
Sheryl...
What you say sounds so familiar. Perhaps he doesn't have the b*'s to actually go and because of that he's mad at himself and he takes it out on me by being the arse that he is. He knows what to say to make me cry and he doesn't give a crap. I could cry for hours and he wouldn't batter an eyelid - THATS how much he hates me.
At 31 years old (despite being agoraphobic) life shouldn't be THIS sad.
Thanks for your kind words... :)
Sarah
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I can pretty much say, if i was to leave my husband (or him leave me) i would never find another man who would put up with all my "problems".</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Sarah hun I have to disagree with this - you can't possible predict what may happen in the future and this is just how your current thinking is, which doesn't make it fact!!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Since i've been with my husband i've gained probably another 10 problems on top of my already many issues!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Think this says it all really doesn't it!!!:(
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If i am realistic, when i stand back and look at myself, i can HONESTLY say there is NOT one thing about me that a man would find mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually attractive. I am NOT a "good catch" for anyone. I am SOOO far off being a catch at all. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Please may I disagree again!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Bloody sad isn't it.
Sarah x
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes it really is and you and your lad deserve so much more.
Sometimes in life it is much easier to be reactive rather than proactive but maybe the time has now come for you to take the proactive role.
I am not saying it's easy being on your own but how can it be any worse than the way you are living. I've never been as lonely as I was in the final year of my marriage.
I really hope you can find the strength to walk away and regain who you really are. If you need any practical advice then as one who has been there I can try and help and between us all we can hopefully fill in any gaps.
At the end of the day darlin your future is in your own hands and can be very exciting once you take the wheel!!!:D:D
Big hugs
Piglet :) xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"></td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">If i am realistic, when i stand back and look at myself, i can HONESTLY say there is NOT one thing about me that a man would find mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually attractive. I am NOT a "good catch" for anyone. I am SOOO far off being a catch at all. If any man HAS got any sense they'd run as fast as they could in the opposite direction and never look back.
I suppose i am staying with my husband so i don't spend my life alone.
Sarah x
Dear Sarah, I myself was in your shoes for twenty-six years and those years hurt me the most because of FEAR of going out on my own. Diving into the unknown will make you the strongest person you've ever seen, I found. Piglet has said it all
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"></td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">I really hope you can find the strength to walk away and regain who you really are.
Good for you Piglet. I am having a drink on you.
I do truely believe that with we slay the dragons head on we will be much better off and think more highly of ourselves, gain our SELF back, the one we were born with.
I pray you will have the strength Sarah, to not let anyone get to you to make you think little of yourself. My prayers are with you.
Rose
Don't walk in front of me I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend
THANK YOU EVERYONE
I am blown away with the responses i've had.
I can see that a lot of you have been through the same situation as i am right now, and it is so very hard to *escape from* when you're probably as low as you can be.
I read everybodies replies and i AM taking it all in.
Maybe one day, when i grow some "mens things" i will be able to stand up for myself.......
I just wish for a better life for my son and i -
..to be happy.
Thanks again...
I appreciate it MORE than you'll ever know...
Sarah x
Well, I have just looked at your picture and I think you are beautiful hun, so don't let him chip away at your self confidence. Any man would be lucky to have you.
shoegal xxx
but if he doesn't want to have you, let him go.
Jo
Easier said than done Jo!!!!!
Hi Sarah,
I can understand how your feeling. I have been through something similar. Although been married for a few years 2nd time round now and all is good and very different from before. In fact I have so much support now, I don't know what to do with it :-)
Its very hard to walk away or let someone walk away when you are already feeling low. You think things may get better etc etc, its also very hard not to believe that you are as bad as they are telling you. ( Im rambling on now) All I can say is if you want to talk, then by all means PM me.
broadband.cyphus.com, switchboard.cyphus.com
There are many ways to stay in touch.
Keep focused, keep positive. Emma x
Sarah,
The ball is in your court. You really need to get you and your son out of this relationship. I know it is easier said than done, but you really need to think of your son and the impact that it will have on his life. Not only now but in the future.
Do you want your son to grow up and be the same as his Dad because this is what he is going to learn and he will find it hard later in life.
Your health and mental health is very important to you and especially to your son who you need to take care of.
You yourself should seek counselling now to teach you ways to be strong for you and your son and to help you if you do choose to leave.
Deb
keepemlaughing
28-12-06, 02:11
That is so true, Sarah. I would say that the biggest motivating thing that forced me out of my horrible marriage was imagining my son treating a woman like his father was treating me. He already damaged the self esteem of everyone in the household. What a horrible way to live, feeling inferior and less than everyone else. Your negative self image will project onto your son. Please listen to all of us. We don't even know you but we all care what happens to you. Is it back to normal now that Christmas is over? He didn't leave did he? Just wanted to make you miserable and at your wits end wondering what he would do. A good friend of mine used to say "If you want a man to stay, tell him to leave. Then you can't get rid of him." Makes sense if you think about it:)
Hope your new year is full of smiles.
Sheryl:D
Sheryl
Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?
SarahC, I read a book long back "Eleven minutes" by paulo coelho. The book helped me make some decisions in my life. TO STOP TODAY, not TOMORROW. TOMORROW will stay as TOMORROW. I suggest reading this book, to relate analogous to marie's situation in the book. She finally did STOP and recover and get back to normal life. I feel, I want to gift the book to you... No, it would be much easier for you to buy it from some nearest book store, I really stay half way around the world from where you are.
asdf
Hi Sarah,
I hope you got through Christmas and the New Year ok. I hope he is being much nicer to you and has not walked out (unless of course you have decided you want him to)! :D
Let us know how you get on, and let's hope 2007 is a better year for you.
Love and hugs from shoegal xxx
Hi..
I can't explain how i am feeling. I'm constantly on edge not knowing when he's leaving and its driving me mad. Okay, so we haven't rowed for a couple of days but he's been super moany at my little boy, moaning at every little thing.
We are both back to work today....
Perhaps things will get better?
Sarah
Hi Sarah. Have you talked about things with him? I'm sure if he was still planning to leave he would have said something. Maybe he has changed his mind. I think you need to talk though, so you know where you stand.
Hope things work out for you.
Love shoegal xxx
Hi there it's a bit late now so I've only skimmed your post.
My comment is if he's married you knowing you were an agorophobic then he is a co-dependant to your symptom and he will have other issues himself.
On one level he may need you to stay with your symptom so he can dump all his problems at you, not nice to realise sarahc but lets cut the crap here - you have a son and there is NO WAY on this planet it's fair he begins to learn this is the way of the world.
You are also young enough to be able to do whatever you need to make the relationship WITH YOUR SON work, your husband has to come second.
A couple of points. Unless and until he recognises he has a problem he won't change. Yes you can get him to speak to someone but without acceptance from him, you're fighting a loosing battle.
However, see my post ref omega 3 - I (sad to admit but I will) I was like that sometimes myself so I know that the chemical effect will cause this
Omega 3 - Who else benefits ( I Do ) (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=16378)
But if he won't take them - no good. They might help you however.
Ok. Forget him for a moment. Back to you.
He says you should be able to go out. Pity he didn't consider that with the relationship-at-a-distance became permanent - but that's part of his game play.
But he is true. You do have the rights as a human being to go out, although your unconscious mind has elected to use agoraphobias as your symptom to link itself back to the cause.
Perhaps now is the time to seek help to understand the cause so you can move on. And as and when you will resolve this, if he can't then it might be bye bye buddy.
I hear you say you visited your mothers so you do have a place of safety to go to if needed - do you get on with your mother - just in case.
Ok now for a bit of work for you to do, not easy but essental.
Next time he goes off in a rage try this whatever he says, respond 'that's right.' or 'I understand that's what you think'
You need to be able to hear the crap without taking ownership of it.
He's able to do this to you to the extent your agoraphobia lets him.
Also, check out the details of the local womans refuge(s) etc keep them to hand, just in case.
Consider this, has he ever hurt you or the child? (don't answer on here)
Good luck and keep us all posted
rgards
brian
Hi Sarahc
Sounds like he is still manipulating you by saying he will leave. And also sounds like you would be better off if he did. But I know that can only happen when you are ready. Being agrophobic before you met him, then undermined since being together probably makes you feel you could not cope without him, but you will be surprised.
A close friend of mine married a guy who seemed caring and considerate, loving (wanting to be with her all the time). He turned her against her friends, and manipulated her into thinking she was weak and could not leave him. He was very clever, none of us including her realised what he was doing until he had such control over her. She stayed with him because she loved him, because they had a baby together, and because she thought she could not cope on her own.
She left him and went to a refuge. She has had lots of help from family and friends who were still there waiting for her to be ready for help. It has not been easy, but she has been surprised by how strong she can be. She was determined that her son would not grow up in that atmosphere, learning the harmful emotional and physical behaviour shown by her husband.
I don't know if this helps you. Her situation was different to yours. But emotional and mental abuse is damaging, and you need love and support from your partner, not criticism and insults. He knew you were agrophobic when you got together, so that is no excuse. Whatever his problem is, he should not blame it on you. At least you have us here. I do hope my reply does not make you feel bad. I just want to tell you that life doesn't have to be like that. We are all here to support you. (((hug)))
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Hi..
Yep, i understand what you are saying and i agree with it too. I WAS agoraphobic before i was with him, even worse than i am now and as i said in the early stages of our relationship it was long distance so i spent alot of time on my own with my son. I DID cope, it was okay, but i knew he was my boyfriend and i had someone (he was nicer back then!) - but now i fear that if i split from him i WILL be eternally single and i don't like that idea.
Sarah
Currently HE has the power because of YOUR agoraphobia. when you are ready to take control of the situation you'll be ready to drop the agoraphobia.
Had it long b4 he was about?
How come he chose to marry a person with agoraphobia? Not saying you are a bad person, just that it's a big issue to volunteer to take on? Did he think you would just 'get better'?
brian
Brian...
I am not too happy with what you said.
"My husband has the power because of my agoraphobia" HOW tell me an issue of who has power in the relationship will all of a sudden make me forget agoraphobia and take power back. I AM NOT interested in having *Power* that is not the issue here. The issue here is my husband is extremely abusive. I think that was a REALLY stupid thing to say. Don't you think i have TRIED MY HARDEST to fight this illness? I've fought everyday since i have been with him.
Before i was with him i'd had agoraphobia for 4 years, most of them i was completely 100% housebound. I panicked all day and all night.
I don't know why he decided to marry me or even stay with me. I guess he thought i'd would be better quicker than i am, plus, he hadn't ever been involved or known anyone with agoraphobia.
You need to think before you write.
Sarah
Southern_Belle
08-01-07, 23:03
Hi Sara,
I too have been in an abusive relationship before and trust me when I say it will eventually move towards your son. Verbal or physical it is still abuse. Whether you believe this or not your son is being affected right now by his abuse. I agree with the others that your self esteem has been shattered by this man and you no longer know what is up or down. He is so controlling you probably no longer even think for yourself. I know you probably think you love this man but what it probably is is an obsession due to lack of self esteem. You think you probably can't live without him. You have already stated that you don't think you can get anyone else and I think you would rather live like this than with no-one. The unknown is always scarier than the known. Please go get counseling for yourself if he won't get marriage counseling. If for nothing else to get a boost of self esteem that you do not currently have to no longer take this abuse and so that your son will not grow up to be like this man. Take care of yourself and know that many of us have been in your situation and care deeply about you.
Loads of hugs going your way,
Belxx
"Our thoughts are our reality"
sarahc, interesting to see you were discomforted by my post but I do stand by what I say.
If I might explain further, what I meant was that there was a time, over 4 years before you met him when you didn't have agrophobia. Then for some reason (whether he was on the scene or not) this developed. It is an anxiety reaction to something in your life, back then.
People develop various symptoms and your unconscious mind elected to generate agoraphobia to fulfill what was needed back then. This comment does not minimise the effects on you, but it's to intended to ring-fence the symptom for what it is, a symptom, not the cause.
So what I'm saying is that there was a tripping event in your mind 8 years ago which 'did' agrophobia for you - and this could well be linked to an event memory way further back.
You say you've tried your hardest to fight it - sorry but that won't work. It is your unconscious mind that's set this up and unless and until you can get access to the part of your u/c mind that hold the key you could well be stuck.
I would suggest that an analytical hypnotherapy / cbt / similar approach will let your u/c mind reveal to you why this was set up in the way it was. That's not blaming you - no way at all - just that this was an artfully clever way of doing something for you then, and it's still playing in your mind to this day.
Yes, drugs can abate feelings etc, but when I say the power is with him I mean that to the extent that your u/c mind continues to play the programme that gives you agrophobia he has more flexibilty in the relationship ( threaten to leave / blame you / etc )
For my word power substitute if you will 'choice' . Currently you have no choice, you are in effect a double victim, firstly of hubbie and secondly agoraphobia. If you resolve agoraphobia you can resolve hubbie.
That's the essence of my post, I hope the clarification helps
Regards
Brian
Well Brian, let me tell you a few facts..
I've had hypnotherapy at £50 a time...FAILED
I've seen therapists (CPN's, psychologist, psychotherapists, CBT)....FAILED
I've been perscribed and taken goodness knows how many different pills....NO HELP...
I've tried acupuncture, different relaxation techniques, meditation....
You name it, i've given it a go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEVER say i have not tried to get well.
Currently my state of mind is exhausted from TRYING!
I've had agoraphobia for EIGHT years, thats 4 years before i met him. It started while i was pregnant with my son. I passed out and when i came round i felt very sick and thought i was going to puke in front of my colleagues. What else you should also know is that i had an absolutely horrendous fear of being sick, emetophobia. So, there i was on the floor thinking i was going to vom.
From that moment, whenever i went out i thought i'd either throw up or faint. I stopped driving in case it would happen and basically that was that until i gave birth 3 months later. All was fine until the fainting thoughts came back into my head and i was afraid to drive with my newborn in the car in case i passed out. Life got harder and harder until i gave up going out. I spent a good 6 months scared to go upstairs, so Brian, from being like that, i've come a LONG LONG way in my recovery.
What exactly is your aim here, to make me feel even worse than i already do?
Sarah
Hello again, nothing I say is intended to make you feel bad.
I agree you have tried a lot of ways to deal with this issue, this is true.
Perhaps there has been a reticence to let anyone move through your guard to access the underlying reasons for what's still taking place today.
But there is a reason behind it starting. Unless you were born with it, then for some reason it kicked off.
I hear your anger and frustration, perhaps when that has been able to come out fully you will move onto understanding.
You mention the fear of being sick around the birth of your child. If I'm reading you right this event was before the agoraphobia started.
Therefore the agoraphobia can now be scene as purely a logical symptom that your unconsous mind developed for you as a result of your fear of sickness in pregnancy and later.
You don't have a blanket fear of going out - you have said that it's specifically come from a fear of possibly being sick or fainting when out.
Being sick in preganancy is hyperemesis. Some women are sick 5-10 times per day through the whole pregnancy and some even abort the foetus so you were brave and strong to get through it yourself.
So now I think we can agree that you are not an agroaphobic acutally, but someone who had a fear of being sick and later on as a result developed a habit of not going out to avoid those feelings.
I know the name people give to the habit is agoraphobia but as you've explained it was the sickness that precipitated the not going out so that's the place to look for understanding.
I know I might sound tough but by disecting what you say from what you mean clarity will follow.
Now we are looking back at the time of your pregnancy and sickness.
Being sick when pregnant is a very natural occurance. The fact that you say you were fearful of being sick would suggest that for some reason that was a belief you had developed.
This may not relate directly to sickness, although it might, that's whats so clever about the u/c mind - it knows exactly why you are still doing what you are doing to youself, it's just not been asked the right questions, yet.
If you can get in touch with that information, the fear of being sick will go, and then the agorapobia.
I still stand by my comments, you have the power to change but perhaps to date you've not been able to go to the right place to exercise the power.
I can't comment upon the therapists you have seen before, perhaps for whatever reason they were not able to reveal the underlying reasons for the issues you have. You sound a strong person and probably would want a strong person to help you - don't blame the techniques, the operator can be at fault sometimes.
regards
Brian
I was never sick when pregnant. You misunderstood what i said.
I blacked out while i was pregnant, came round, thought i was going to vomit IN FRONT of people, resulting in fear of puking in public.
Sarah
Yes I realise that now, but the interpretation is still valid.
So you were never sick but you stress the IN FRONT. So what? preganancy and childbirth etc is messy and most people should understand that.
Where did you learn that you couldn't be sick in public?
I've known pregnant women with the hyperemesis to have to be sick in the gutter and then just carry on with their day - they physically can't not be sick - no choice for them.
For you it's the fear of being sick in front of people that's got you to where you are today.
Can you see that, does that ring a bell with you?
Regards
Brian
Hi Sarah
You sound like you have achieved so much! You really have come a long way from being completely agrophobic. Well done!
I was in a negative relationship before. He always put me down and accused me of things. I loved him and was devastated when he left me for someone else. It took time to get over him, but my next relationship showed me that I did not have to allow myself to be treated that way to keep a partner.
My friend with the abusive ex husband I was telling you about. He turned extremely violent and hurt her in so many ways she was physically sick telling her counsellor about them. She thought she would never want a relationship again. But she married again last year and is expecting her second child. There is hope. I know you don't want to be alone, but you are never alone when you have children. And of course you have all of us here! Hang in there honey. Don't settle for less for yourself and your son than you both deserve. ((((HUG)))
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Thank you Lisa, i appreciate your reply. I have come v. far, but as i said earlier, i am feeling exhausted and mentally drained from trying and on top of that, we have the a*hole husband and right now, chest infection. I feel like i need a freaking break. I'm not moaning about being ill cause there are millions of people worse of than me, but sometimes we all need a break.
I wish there was just a glimmer of light in my tunnel....
Sarah x
Brian...
When you suffer from emetophobia (SOMEONE BACK ME UP HERE), being sick is the END OF THE WORLD regardless of where you are. So you knowing women who just chuck up in the street clearly don't have a fear of being sick. An emetophobic wouldn't risk going out if they felt THAT sick!
My emetophobia was made WORSE after feeling like i was going to be ill in front of people, thus resulting in yes, my agoraphobia.
Sarah
sarahc I think we are saying the same thing. Your mind developed the fear of being sick first, then the agoraphobia came later on top of that. resolve the fear of sickness and you won't need agoraphobia.
I know you've had this for years but it's actually only when you reverse your thoughts to the originating time that you can drop the two symptoms.
Also, as we aren't born with a fear of being sick, since as babies we do it a lot, somehow, somewhere and from someone your mind took this on as right for you.
I didn't say you deserved it, just that it's been dumped into your mind from something.
I've re-read my post and that's what it says - all I've done here is elaborated.
I mentioned what I did since when I read your post what started out as an issue about your husband later revealed that the symptom you had was from a time before he was on the scene.
That's why I said you have the power to change. Actually, that's a positive position to be in.
Not changing is an option, there is a cost for any decision, even doing nothing.
Brian
I've had emetophobia since i was 4.
Sarahc, so I hear you say that sometime around the time, you remember being 4, you were comfortable being sarahc.
I'd guess when you were four you'd never have used that word.
But you had a real, understandable, girls reason to feel so sick.
I know you did.
And if you can trust that there will a time that's sooner than you expect when you will remember the memory that told you you needed to feel sick but hold it in ...
... can you let yourself begin to understand that ...
Hi Brian
It is alright going through all reasons behind agoraphobic, I think most of us spend our days and longs nights going through our problems and when we have tried everything that we possibly can it is hard to listen to someone telling us what we should or should not do, without knowing that person. I don't believe that resolving the agoraphobic would make the marriage suddenly ok. Many people have the same problem and have good partners. I have had panic attacts and depression for a long, long while, but my wife has always been suportive. I have months where I am fine, happy as anything, then I have dark months where I feel the world has ended. I have tried everything possible to combat this, but I have come to the conclusion this is me. I believe the Sarah's husband is just a b*stard who is using agoraphobic as an excuse and believe that he would more then likely be the same if she didn't have it - Even I am jumping to conclusions, I don't know her! But what I do know is that I have seen her picture and she is attractive and I don't think she would be alone long if she did split with the W*nker. Saying that you look sh*t and are a f*cking idiot is abusive at the very worst. No one should put up with that. My wife had to put up with this from her ex for 4 years and she left, but still gets crap from him and he has even threatend to beat me up, even though their relationship finished 12 years ago. She has a son from that relationship, who lives with his Dad and he is turning into his Dad and now we are having to deal with that and it is hard on our relationship. Sorry that has nothing to do with this, that is for another time. What I am trying to say is unless you are the person who is in that situation, you can't really lecture people on what they should do to suddenly become better, because it just dosn't work like that. You can't take away so much years worth of pain.
J
I don't like talking about someone in front of them, especially when they are not there to reply but as you have placed your post here I will take this opportunity to reply on my own behalf, since you are I think, suggesting what I have said was wrong:
Yes you're right and I would never lecture, I don't do that.
When I first posted a comment to sarahc it was, if you check, in support of her and I had strong concerns for her child. I said that if she was able to resolve the symptom called agoraphobia she could perhaps escape from the husband.
Her later message expanded on the comment indicating that the symptom of the fear of sickness was the originating symptom that had precipated agoraphobia.
So she was then saying she's not 'an agrophobic' but had developed that symptom to, understandibly avoid placing herself in the situation of having the fear of sickness outside again.
It could be fair to say that any time spent focusing on resolving that symptom would be irrelevant since Sarahc's insight has taken her past that symptom to a truer picture.
That she agreed with and said that she had first experienced that symptom of not wanting to bring up sickness around 4.
So I then agreed with her and said that if she could resolve what's still there from 4, she would not need the symptom of no-sick and the symptom of no-go-out.
They are after all symptoms, not the real reason behind their own origination.
I agree that nothing I've said will or will not 'make her marriage ok' as you say. My concern is for her and her child. Unless and until her husband comes on line or chooses to talk to someone about his own personal issues he isn't in the equation. Unless someone was carrying out family therapy both partners would not normally deal with the same therapist anyhow.
If as you say her husband was using her symptoms as a way to get at her then if she was free of them she could choose her own path, that would be a nice choice for her to have, but she hasn't chosen that path, yet.
She has the opportunity to change her life and her sons, the other guy's big enough to sort his as well, if, and only if he elects to do so himself.
I appreciate that from your perspective doing what I say sounds difficult for her, not doing anything is a choice as well, but from this position she can choose.
It's the little girl that's upset after all, and she needs the support of big sarahc to let her voice be heard.
The title of the post was ' He said he's had enough ...' but the real person that's had enough is the little girl - that's the only one that matters here.
And you smithjam1. You too, you comment about good times and bad. Ups and downs. If your depression is as bad as you describe then for you, if you were to walk back in time and accept the time is near to unlock the key to the vault of truth you would be able to begin to live a life in balance again.
So I stand fully by my comments that have all been in support of Sarahc
To the Moderators and SarahC: I am more than willing to delete this post since I feel this doesn't feel right to me to post like this but as smithjam1 has placed his comment here I think it only fair I put up my reply, especially since I have done nothing wrong.
Please advise if you would wish this to be deleted.
Brian
Hi Sarahc
Just dropped in to see how you are doing. Sorry to hear you have a chest infection too. What bad luck! I am the same as you, if I have anything I feel apologetic as I know others are worse off, but you are entitled to feel bad for yourself too! :-)
I am somewhat intimidated by this thing with you and Brian, but wanted to still leave my support, and feel you need it. Though I do feel that Brian probably feels he is trying to support you in his own way. Its just not working out too well. Maybe you should agree to disagree, that it what my & my hubby do sometimes... :-)
Sarahc your husband sounds the type of guy who would behave in that way whether you were agrophobic or not. It is an excuse for him. If it were not that he would find something else. I know you are not ready to leave yet, but when you do you will find that light at the end of the tunnel. Honey, every cloud has a silver lining. Even is sometimes the cloud is large and the lining hard to see. My relationship with my ex taught me to be stronger in the end, though it was hard to learn and even hard to recover from the loss of the relationship at first. But now I AM much stronger and know I am entitled to be treated with respect. You are too! (((HUG)))
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Brain, Although I am impressed by the committment in your belief. I have to say, your belief is wrong and you know nothing about anxiety. It is defenitely possible to improve and have a good life, but when you have it, just by sitting and thiking through the past and the root cause, doesnt magically solve the problem.
I am sure you dont have anxiety problems(in great intensity atleast), else it would have been possible for you to understand.
Finding the root cause certainly helps, but thats not it. I know my marriage anxiety is related to my BDD with my male breasts and in marriages in my country men stand bare chested. I know the root cause, but that does not mean I will not be anxious on the day. I am working very hard to minimize the anxiety, but I know I will have atleast some, if not a lot of anxiety on the day...
asdf
A copy paste from this sites description about anxiety -
"Many people with GAD also feel constant anxiety with no apparent cause. They wake up feeling anxious and can never pinpoint a direct cause. The anxiety never seems to disappear throughout the day"
Even after the root cause of the problem is gone, anxiety may remain for much longer. It requires practise and effort, relaxation techniques, exercises, anything that suits you on a regular basis, life style changes etc to get better.
Just removing the cause does not solve the problems. May be you can become progressively better, but once you stop your regular coping up activities, it is as easily possible to deteriorate, even if the cause of the problem is LONG gone. Some people require special life style changes to run an anxiety free life, even though they understand the root cause of their problems perfectly well.
Your theory is wrong, because it has blind spots. It does not realize that findind the root cause is only part of the solution, its not the only part of the solution.
asdf
Hi..
I need to say i think *Brian* is trying to help in some kind of way, but its in a way that i've heard a million times from my step father who knows NOTHING about mental health problems. Brian may as well be saying "Snap out of it, pull yourself together, its all in your head...." and you're right, he doesn't know me. He knows nothing about my emetophobia, agoraphobia or anything else that is going on. I've had a lot of crap to deal with over the last 20 years and i believe that my problems could be a combination of many things that have basically snowballed together and resulted in this. If i was to list ALL my problems, you'd be here all day reading them. But this is a thread about my husbands behaviour!!!!!!!!!!
My husband MARRIED ME KNOWING THAT I WAS ILL and at the time of our wedding i was not a well as i am now. So, i have made progress. You marry in "Sickness and in health" so he can't turn my agoraphobia round into it now being something he doesn't like about our relationship.
When he's moaning about it, i turn it into a positive by saying that if i was able to go and have a social life....I WOULD BE! I would be going out on a Friday, Saturday night and when he wanted to go out........i'd be up his arse....lol, whereas right now, he goes wherever he wants, whenever he wants without having a worry that the the wife might turn up!
*BREAKING NEWS*
Just recieved an email from my husband. He's just accepted a job that will take him away training for 9 weeks.
I don't know really how to feel about this. Happy 'cause i will be able to have some quite time and reconnect with my boy, not that i'm not because we already spend a lot of time together, but it being just us together would be good. On the other side of it - maybe while my husband is away he will finally decide that he doesn't want me at all. I mean its easier to make those decisions while you're not eating, spending time or sharing a bed with that person.
Hmmm....
Sarah
Hi Sarahc
Glad you're still posting. Breaking news is interesting. maybe the break will do you both good. Thinking time.... :)
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
The *Breaking News* is already causing problems.
He will be earning more money BUT because of travel costs, stupid loan...sorry STUDENT loan going up will will be A LOT worse off. So now he is TELLING me that i HAVE to get another job. I do already work (2 shifts in a pub a week) but mother has to pick me up. There is nothing around here that i can do and that would be able to allow me to have off school holidays for my son and if he's sick etc. I KNOW other mums work, but other mums have the scope to look around for suitable work, whereas as an agoraphobic you're severely restricted.
Arghh...I knew this would cause problems.
Sarah
Yep...crap hitting fan here!
I HAVE GOT TO GET A JOB. There is no discussion. He's not going to let me sit on my lazy arse all week while he's working.
Now what the f* do i do?
I am agoraphobic, i'm not able to work anywhere. There is no explaining to him, he thinks i am just effing lazy.
I am now thick..and my opinions are effing crap.
Are there any computer jobs that you may be able to do from home. Maybe some of those companies that pay you to work from home using your computer. We have that here in Australia so I guess you may also.
But really he is not being very sensitive towards you and what you are going through.
When he does go for the 9 weeks you maybe able to see that you can live without him and don't need him making you feel worse. It will give you alot of time to think things over without him there putting you down.
Take care
Deb
fightingonstill
12-01-07, 14:08
Hi Sarah
Ive just skimmed read through your posts and feel bad reading that you and another member brian are in some conflict as I am sure he is attempting to offer you help and advise like you later said and that sometimes we are not the best at that, we can only but try!
Anyway other than that, to get to the marriage problems. I felt compelled to answer you as I too have a difficult marriage in many ways.
The difference being though that before I met my husband I had suffered bouts of depression but had not had an actual panic disorder until after meeting with him, which alot is brought on by my husbands constant need to control.
I am now diagnosed with general anxiety, social phobia, agrophobia and the dreaded panic attacks which have now left me with driving phobia also. I am now on the road to recovery although i appreciate this will be a looong journey!
I have learnt over the years, been married for 4 years now, that when my husband is confused and scared by something he HAS to take control and as he does not have the ability to talk about his feelings and emotions (as he thinks this is too feminine) and so without meaning to he hurts me emotionally instead and cripples me with his lack of knowledge and understanding.
I am NOT trying to defend your husband , but if he is like mine, then maybe reading more into it will be benficial for you IF you wish to stay with him as you are CHOOSING to at the moment. Its almost like attack is the best form of defence for them. EG I cant handle the fact my wife is going off her head,(defence) so i will attack her with abuse calling her a freak etc
My husband has called me some dreadful names over the years which does take its toll on your self esteem and confidence yes - not something you need to happen when you are trying to overcome so many daily fears, and i used to think my husband hated me and only stayed with me to enjoy seeing me fall to peices (I had him visioned as the devil in my life taking me to hell, honest!)
Since trying to learn more of his behaviour, i have realised that he does love me but he is scared and cant cope himself with it all. This is his defence mechanism kicking in like ours does when we escape our panic etc
I am not sure if you want to hear this post as it clashes with what so many have wrote beforehand, but i am only trying to suggest other possibilities IF you choose to stay and work at with him, if you dont then i completley agree with your choices, whatever they may be.
For me, i have chose to stick with it for the sake of our 7 children and also i think my husband will mature and grow with more understanding as he is still quite young. I decide to stop looking for confort and support from him (as i was never going to get it!) and take control back into my life for myself and my kids. I am now like i say trusting in my own abilities and need to be loved by someone less and less.
I hope you will find happiness whatevere you choose to do, but please remember that you are in control of your own life and you make your own choices.
Sorry to go on and on but it struck such a chord
If you want to chat further then please pm me
Keep strong and positive
Nikki
Hi Nikki.....
Thank you for your message.
You sound like you've had to deal with some crap too.
Please explain to me though how you know your husband loves you if he's been abusive? I'm my eyes, marriage, is something you do voluntary because you love someone and you would never do anything that would hurt or upset your partner. Whereas my husband has spent the last 3 years doing exactly that. My husband i don't think is interested in getting to understand my fear, he just see's me as a freak. I seriously believe when i sit here in tears sobbing because he's been that nasty he feels as if its some kind of accomplishment, hes set out to make me crumble and again its worked!
I've self harmed many many times during our relationship. I feel that i deserve to feel the pain that i am putting onto him by being this weak, pathetic, stupid, insignificant person unable to recover.
I really appreciate what you wrote..
Thanks.
Sarah x
fightingonstill
12-01-07, 21:15
Ok ...to explain abit more, we do funnily enough sound quite smiliar, also same age, anyway i am rambling, so,I do believe now that my husband loves me as he surely wouldnt still be with me (and my disorders!) through all this time and he does have some great qualities (dont know if yours does?) , but he is honest and trustworthy and he will be there for our kids when need be, he is also a hard worker and financially great support for our family.
I used to feel the strong need for him to SHOW me and TELL me that i am loved and was always looking for positive loving statements from him, instead of the emotional abuse but now that i am getting better myself, i need that less and less if that makes any sense??
He takes the good old stance on my sufferings that 'its all in your mind, just forget about it and you cause it all yourself', so on and so on and he hates it that i am , as he sees it 'weak' and 'pathetic' and its been a long journey but now i realise that that is his misbelieve and it is not facts!
We who suffer with anxiety must be are own best friend and not our worst enemy.
Belive me Sarah, you dont need him to boost your self esteem and confidence, you can do it yourself (eventually) this is slowly sinking into my head and i am really trying hard not to keep using put downs and negative words to describe myslef with which is why it pains me to see what you write about yourself as your self talk (without sounding too counsellorish lol) is soooooo self critical AND is sooooo wrong!
Wether you stay with this man or not, you still need to gain your own self esteem and self worth as YOu are worthy and you WILL get better. I dont believe that it will go away completley but you WILL learn to manage your anxieties, it will just take time.
We have to remember we are not victims, lots of people live with conditions in their lives, anxiety is ours.
Rise above him Sarah, i can feel that you do have the strength to do it and tell youself all the time how wonderful you are!!!!!!!! LOVE YOURSELF XXXXXX
Nikki..
...Its been a long slow decline to where i am now - with NO esteem. My husband just confirmed everything that i've been told throughout my life, but this time, its coming from someone who i love and care for, which is a lot worse as you can imagine. I too in the beginning more of our relationship needed to be told that i am loved, i don't bother anymore. My esteem has been damaged so much and also suffering with BDD when he makes personal attacks on my appearance, that REALLY hurts.
My husband i'm sure has some good qualities, however being with me they've deminished and i have turned him into someone that just doesn't give a s* about anyone or anything other than himself. He's a selfish man, thinks mostly about himself. He just doesn't seem to care about my feelings.
I MARRIED THIS MAN, i adore him, i want to be with him forever, but as a women, as a wife, sometimes you need to feel loved, cherished, supported.....adored. Just occasionally.
Is that so wrong? The insults flow regulary, so why the hell can't compliments?
Sarah
NB. Please. You really don't want to be comparing yourself with someone like me.
Sarah, you defenitely need to read the article on the following link
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html.
If there is a time to STOP something that obviously requires to be STOPPED, its NOW, not later.
asdf
Use this link below. The above has a problem
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html
asdf
And this too.
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/part-2.html
asdf
hi sarah do not take the abuse , i also suffered the abuse but from my daughter it does make things worse one thing i always say to myself is that i deserve to be treated better than this and so do you , she is nearly 20 now , and i moved for a while she did not know where i was and i felt alive and now she has found me again but this time i wont let her do it to me again and dont let him do it you either , good luck
hi
you deseve much more than this if not for yourself think of your child i maybe sound a bit harsh but i have a friend who has been abused like this for years and is still in the same situation now and its destroying her.
sammie
Hi..
Thanks again for your comments (and links).
We had a "thing" the other night when he came in from a training thing he had to attend and he was in a FOWL mood. It got so bad and he moaned at me that much i called him a f***-wit, to that he thought about hitting me, but instead i got poke in the ribs with a kitchen roll, which may not sound like much, but when you've had a chest infection for nearly 4 weeks and you have coughed so hard your whole body aches...IT HURTS!
I slept downstairs, i cried..he came down after me and of course BLAMED ME! It was ALL my fault - again.
Sarah
Sarah you need to get out before he ends up really hurting you or anything more serious.
I pray for you that you do find the strength to leave (I know that it is hard for you with your emetophobia and agoraphobia) but YOU CAN DO IT!!!
You said that a poke in the ribs doesn't sound much, but that is physical abuse. With you being unwell at the moment it will not be helping with the healing process.
Deb
Holding back the tears..
He's just told me that i am a sad women with no friends and no life!
Nice.
You have all of us. Just because he doesnt understand you does not make you a sad women with no friends. We defenitely are with you. From what I have been hearing you say here, I assure you, we all think you are a great women, who has really been showing great strength in putting up with abuse, and still standing up, with out having given up. We all do not know how great we really are. Despite anxiety, we are succeding in life. Just coping daily is great success. We defenitely need to be proud of this. This despite all your anxiety issues, and despite an abusive husband, how great have you been doing. I mean it, we all desere to be happy about the strength in us that has been keeping us going despite our problems.
Hope things improve. Why dont you just leave him and go to your mothers for sometime for a break to relax your mind a bit.
asdf
I am sorry to say this, but I think you need to say, if you dont like me GETLOST, hit the highway and GO. If you have had the self-esteem, that is exactly what you would have said. (Please dont take offense of the previous sentence.) I know how hard it is to cook up the self-esteem and you are not alone. If only we had more self-esteem, we would not need reassurances and we will have the strength to say GET LOST, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH AND I CAN HADLE ME MYSELF.
asdf
Did you tell him anything before or after he said that to you? Why did he say this? Was it just hatered? If it was just hatered and if it had been going for a long time, its abuse and you need to do something about it. If its during the heat of a row and he repents having said that later, then may be it makes sence to give more chances.
In my life, I count the number of chances that I give to people. When the count reaches 5, by conservative estimates, I decide to STOP it, by first going and trying to tell them the honest truth of how they made you feel and what you plan to do if it continues(Breakup). And if it continues for 5 more times I ensure I break someway, by a final big ROW or just by going away.
asdf
Not spoken to each other now for 2 days, not since he was mean again.
He leaves on Sunday for 3 weeks training...not looking good.
Sorry to hear that Sarah. Maybe the 3 weeks he's away will give you some time to re-assess what YOU want. I know I've compromised my own needs in the past rather than be alone but at the end of the day my own needs are the most important and that's not in a selfish way.
Take care.
Love Jo x
My husband has left, he went this morning, its a very trying time for me for more than the one reason.
A couple of days ago, we had another "disagreement" and he said that if he met someone he would definitely leave me. Understandably this has left me feeling extremely anxious and insecure and i'm worried that he might find someone new. He'll be training with a number of women from all over the country and out in the evenings having "fun" and i am sat here, in my house worried. Its going to be a testing time.
Sarah
Hi Sarah
I have been reading your posts and just wondering why oh why are you staying with such a low life.
Yep i know you are reading this and thinking who the hell is she to make that kind of statement. I have been where you are and i have posted on here about it. In the end it is YOU who has to get some self respect and kick the guy out. Let him go find someone else i feel sorry for that person. You have a chance of freedom. Take it.
If i could and believe me i was just like you. Thought like you and yet i am now much stronger and getting better everyday. He is feeding on your weakness and loveing it. YOU have to take back the control.
You must be thinking, that the fact that you know its anxiety is the greatest advantage that you have. If you hadnt know this, you had no hope of becoming better. If you hadnt known its anxiety, you would have sunk into it and would have developed totally incorrect perceptions.
Try to work on this advantage and read about relaxaton techniques and try them.
1. Clean your house up.
2. Get good food.
3. Run a good routine.
4. Try to do some aerobic exercise.
5. Try to do the things that you enjoy really doing
Forget the ******* and if you really want to start looking for somebody, he cant prevent you from doing that.
asdf
Hi...
I'm wading my way through 13 panic/anxiety/agoraphobia books that i got from the library. I'm reading all the relaxation techniques that they can offer me, unfortunately doesn't mean that when its needed you can necessarily put into practice.....takes time!!!
1. CHECK - I'm agoraphobic, my house is clean and no clutter...anywhere.
2. We eat very well. Good healthy food with the occasional dessert.
3. OCD tendencies....routine....CHECK!
4. I exercise everyday
5. Hmm, i would do more if i could get out, right now i like going out shopping with my mum which i do twice a week. Spending time one-to-one with my boy is another thing that makes me smile.
Thanks,
Sarah x
Hi Sarah
I have just read your post. I can understand how much you are trying and it does take time. You have probably tried so many times to explain that to him but unless you have been there yourself you have can sympathy but no empathy.
Keep trying hun but remember one thing, do it for yourself and how it will improve your life not anyone elses.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hi Sarah
I'm sorry I haven't even introduced myself but I was so concerned for your self-esteem that I joined the forum (I am a recovering phobic) just so I could post you some support. I can't believe that that moaning, self-centred blob of whinging self-martyrdom had the audacity to start picking on you???? How DARE he say he'd leave you if someone else turned up? Achhhh????? Like he's the catch of the century - first sign of things not going his way and he turns into a cowardly, whimpering sack of sulking resentment and gets release by - oooooh BIG man - threatening to leave you for someone else and thinking of hitting you???? I'd LOVE to be a fly on the wall when he's away on that training when he finds that no-one is actually interested in listening to his endless bout of whining self-pity (well, they'll be amused by his bad fortune for the novelty of it but that'll last two nights max) and if he thinks he's going to attract a bevy of beauty queens to mop his tears and still his quivering lower lip (aw diddums did ee nasty wifeee not live up to his stupidly self-centred expectations....?) and coo about how AWFUL he's had it then he's in for a bit of a reality check.
It will be awfully quiet and not a little rough these first few weeks but believe me there are much better men out there than that. After not a few false starts I have managed to land myself a beautiful, committed and talented husband who is much prettier than I am and certainly knows what a total fruitloop I am but he married me because of it - that's just me and me is what he married. All. 100%. He doesn't spout a load of words but he's very good at hugs and just always gives me the sort of curiously amused reassurance that suggested that of COURSE I'd be able to do it - didn't I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't be wasting time with someone who couldn't!!? That gives me a funny, vague sort of reassurance that he must think I'm pretty amazing...which makes me feel the same back. Then the cycle sort of feeds itself but in order for it to get started you really have to make friends with yourself so that you'll have that little inner sparkle that you had (yes, you did) before he picked it all away.
In my experience, if we meet someone we're scared is above our league we go to great lengths falling in with their tastes, steering clear of doing anything that might rub them up the wrong way and it's terribly easy to allow yourself to be dragged down to the level of someone who, secretly realizing how LITTLE they actually deserve you (and even less the Alpha position in that relationship) constantly bites and picks and snaps because your niceness is making them feel just a little bit uncomfortable in their conscience and they're just not up to the job.
Of course you love him, and he is almost certainly not all bad but what he does need is to learn to grow up and take responsibility for his own misery and not blame it on other people. As for you, life is short and has the potential to be a whole lot more fun than you're having at present. You really don't need to waste any more time waiting for your husband to grow up - let someone else worry about that and open your heart to finding someone who has the kindness and patience to love you for exactly what you are and who you are because nothing less is worth your interest.
That sounds awfully harsh and it's a terrible introduction for my first post but I was just rendered incredulous by his nerve !!!!!
Much hugs and strength to you. I look forward to a few more light-hearted posts when I retrieve my jaw back off the floor xxxxx E
Sarah just to let you know i am thinking about you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hi Evie...
Thank you for taking time to respond to me.
I know what you're saying is right, but sometimes its hard to believe it. Before my husband and i were together he had a bloody great life. He was going here, there and everywhere. When we met up in the beginning in the space of 6 months he'd been to Ibiza, Malaysia and 2 months in Australia, since he's been with me, he's been no where, not only because we simply don't have the funds, but his wife can't go anywhere. I can see why he gets frustrated with the situation, flipping heck, if i was married to a whinging, insecure, agoraphobic, i think i might get a little peeved too. He said he's run out of patience and CAN see why. I am so many miles from being perfect, i am so insecure that he's told me i am paranoid, BUT he's done things that have made me question him quite a bit. He did something that he PROMISED me after i found out the first time he'd never do it again.......but he did and destroyed my confidence all over.
I feel guilty a lot that he's with me, i feel bad that his life has got worse since he's been with me (and it REALLY has).
I just wish i could be "normal" so i could be a good wife he deserves a good wife.
Sarah x
THANKS SAL :)
hi sarah
please dont put your self down and dont defend him yes its ok to get upset an frustrated but the way he exspresses it is awful
like said before he has to grow up.
im on my own 3 kids i kivked my ex out he made me feel worse to
the thing is though even though i was like you felt id be alone etc i knew that being with him was worse
what it does to not only me but my babes to.i keep it in my heart that i know that i can be better and im am loads better even going on hols in july.you can do it hun its very confidence building to stand up to a bully and acheive for your self i dont worry about being on my own it feels good to know your able to do it for your self
that dont mean i never need support everyone does ,but there is support to be had you only have to look family even strangers organisations etc its all about the way you see things and right now yours is inhiberted by anxiety but by knowing that give you a weapon to know that all your fear is not fact
i know its hard an sad but it can get better you just have to choose it
i can only right from exsperience and felt to speak to you
take care hun bigs mega hugs to you and your babe j
J,
I got with my husband before i felt he would make me better, i admired his confidence, zest for life, his dreams, his everything, but those things are sadly what are dragging us down. He's still confident, but he's lost his zest and his dreams are shattered because of me.
I can't get away from those things, they make me feel terrible.
Me and my stupid illness has got in the way of him being happy.
Sarah
Hi again Sarah
I've picked my jaw back off the floor now!
One very important lesson to really absorb is that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It's a shame that he didn't find his life with you as enjoyable as he's hoped but well, there are ways and means...! It honestly looks like he's just been treating you worse and worse in the hope that you'd make it easy for him by upping and leaving him rather than the other way around. What's so wrong with just coming right on out with it and saying "I'm really sorry, but this just isn't working for me and I'm afraid that if I stay I'll just end up resenting you and making you even more miserable than you are at present, but because I don't want that to happen I'm telling you straight that I have to get out". Instead, he's been acting like some sulky toddler who's been sent to his room, is powerless to do anything about it but is sure as hell going to hurl his clothes around the room and smash all his toys. No-one forced him to stay and be miserable - that was entirely his own decision, and whilst it's laudable that he did stick around and give it a try there are no prizes at all for the way he dealt with it.
I'd love to meet anyone whose life didn't suffer a slight change of gear when they stopped jetting off all over the world with no responsibilities - I mean, isn't that just called having an extended holiday? That's not real life! Most of us would just call it a gap year or a honeymoon - a special, one-off chance to just kick up your heels with no responsibilities before you have to come back down to earth and get a job to pay off the £16K student loan and the £15K you just blew on the wedding and attempt to save a further £15K besides so you can put down a deposit and wrestle your way onto the housing ladder!
I mean, be honest, did he really expect to continue living like that after he was married? Did he honestly think he'd be able to have regular foreign holidays if kids came along? Did he win the lottery/have a huge trust fund or something? I think he knew full well that he couldn't carry on that lifestyle indefinitely - after all, he met you and wanted to marry you (I had to wait ten years for that bit) so that's a pretty good indication that he was ready to give that all up. So, you must have been a pretty good catch and don't you forget it! I just think he finds all that "my life was marvellous" stuff a convenient stick with which to beat you.
When I first met my ex, I was actually up home planning my wedding. I met him, liked him, but put him out of my mind and went back down south. Fiance hadn't bothered starting his new job so I just suddenly saw a future of constantly nudging and cajoling and motivating without nagging...and then I thought, NO!!! I'm NOT going to be his mother! I sat down and had a very heated discussion with him about all this and said I'm sorry, I just cannot see this working out for either of us so while it was hardly pleasant at least it was honest. I went back up home and a few weeks later got together with the ex.
Moving forward a few years, this same ex had a fling and I found out about it quite by accident. We'd been together for four and a half years and I thought we were happy. To cut a long story short I knocked on every door that morning until I found him and when I did, I kept perfectly calm and just told him he was dumped before wishing the girl luck. That hurt him immensely because I didn't even react - made it clear to him that if that was the way he was going to behave then he was not worth my lifting a finger towards keeping and as for fighting over him - goodness! I don't stoop to nonsense like that and his excuses weren't even worth the breath it took to voice them. He was there of his own volition and must be made to understand that he'd gambled and lost. There are no second chances where trust (or abuse of it) is concerned.
It was a funny thing, but a mutual male friend was the one who gave me the proverbial kick, saying "B*ks, H, no-one needs two
Hi
Just wanted to say what lovely posts and i hope sarahc you try and accept that you deserve so much more. Remember this man married you in sickness and in health. But more inportantly he new that you were Agraphobic before he married you.
I really understand why you feel you have spoilt his life but he chose you and if as now he finds he cannot live like he is then the kind thing would be for him to leave. Not to bully you with cruel words.
Of course you hate the person that you are and probley like i used to do wish everyday that you were somehow magical made better. True friends love and accept you for what you are. surely your hubby should be that. Though at times we might sound harsh in what we say we don't know you but we do care about you. What i'm trying to say is that you married your best friend and look how he is treating you?
Take care
Evie...Thank You!
Pauline....You're right he could leave and frequently tells me he is going...BUT...then he comes back with saying that he "can't be arsed because i'd make a fuss" and that he won't leave "through guilt". I am out of the house every Sunday all day while i am at work, he's had plenty of Sundays to go. In fact one Friday while i was at work i came home on the Saturday morning and all his stuff had been removed from the house. He was just waiting for his mother to pick him and the rest of his stuff up. Unfortunately i'd got there before he'd gone and the crap head had written me a "Dear John" and left it in the kitchen!!!!
He was back 4 hours later.
Sarah
Hi Sarah
Hmmmm.....! Once upon a time my friend had a really cute cat who would miaow and miaow and miaow at the back door until someone opened it (there was a perfectly good cat flap) and would then instantly go around to the side door and miaow and miaow and miaow until someone went and opened that door, then around we went again and again and again...
You can't let him run rings around you like that - dragging you up and down and all around the houses according to his whim.
This revolving door routine has got to stop. I don't say that the marriage has to, but he needs a short sharp shock that teaches him that you have teeth.
Now he's gone off again, don't give him the chance to come back. Bear with me on this - I'm not trying to wreck your marriage! Get those locks changed now and DO NOT give him a key. Ignore all his calls for at least a month and then (if you actually want to - you might actually find you don't) you might begin to talk to him again, but on neutral territory and on YOUR terms. Don't discuss the future. Don't discuss your relationship at all. Just discuss your day and tell him all the things you're finding time to do now you've got a little peace and quiet. When he sees you've got plans to get on with your future whether he's in it or not and he's not so flippin' indispensible as he thought he was he might just start getting scared and realise exactly what he stands to lose here.
Don't let him back into your house (YOUR home, remember) until he is well and truly scared silly and virtually breaks down in tears. Then you make it perfectly clear that next time he dares to disrespect you the decision won't be his - he will just find his clothes already sent by taxi to his mum's, the decree filed and the locks changed for good.
Of course, you might just find you get on perfectly fine without him in which case just keep walking and don't look back. In either case you will be SO proud of yourself and your self-respect will be immense, so really you can only win, whichever way you choose - but you DO have to snatch control right now before he comes back. He's just expecting you to sit there visibly wilting like some fragile little flower deprived of water so you just have to show him you're a triffid and scare the pants off him.
I can see where you are comin from but my husband is A) as stubborn as hell and B) Has pride, so if i was to change the locks and not speak to him, his stubborness and pride would take over and that would be it. End of relationship.
Since he's been away i've not be answering many of his calls, i am getting use to him not being around.....call it preparation!
Sarah
That's my girl! Let him go chew on his pride and be stubborn somewhere else. Vive la preparation! ;)
Good on you Sarah. I am so proud of you.
You will realise that you don't need him there putting you down all the time.
Deb
Hi Sarah
We can all adivse what we would do but go with what your heart tells you whether right or wrong. No one can b in your postion but we all understand so much. But what makes you happy only you can say. If you make the wrong or right decison we are all here for you. At end of day what ever has happened it is what makes you happy babe.
We will support you whatever you decide.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Quote: Since he's been away i've not be answering many of his calls,
Your above quote says to me that he does actually care about you otherwise he wouldn't call.
I think that he just resents you for the fact that you are not able to do alot of things.
Have you been to counselling together?
I have said a few times now that you should leave him but if you really want to stay with him and he with you then counselling would be the way to go. He has to want to go for it to work.
Deb
Deb..
You are right. He does resent me, he's told me numerous times that he blames me for the state of his life, but he DID know i was agoraphobic it wasn't something i kept hidden for a couple of years.
He calls only because he feels like he has to otherwise he said i would moan!
We would have counselling but we don't have the funds to support it right now.
Sarah
Hi Deb
I agree wholeheartedly about the resentment, but would suggest caution. Some people just need someone to mentally beat on and it might be this that he misses. Whatever the reason for calling, it is no excuse for the way he has been treating Sarah and by the way Sarah has been inclined not to take all of these calls suggests she expects not apologies but only more blame and self-justification on his part. It looks like the leaving and coming back is all part of a cycle which has been running for some time now, and since there's been no obvious change in his coping behaviour on previous occasions I'd be inclined to say it's time to break the cycle altogether.
Counselling might certainly be worth a go but I am inclined to think that he would have to go with an open mind and be prepared to acknowledge the faults in his own behaviour as well as the problems (NB problems, NOT faults) in Sarah's. Only Sarah and her husband can decide whether, with that in mind, it's likely to work.
For my part, I'd say look, if you found the perfect pair of trousers but they were the wrong colour you have a choice - you can either buy them and dye them or wait until next season and hope the manufacturer brings them out in a different colour (or keep your eyes peeled in Oxfam). Both involve a certain degree of risk - the manufacturer might change tack completely and you miss out entirely or you might take them anyway and dye them, only to live with a very sullen pair of trousers that was very happy being orange and didn't want to be black, and why didn't you like them being orange and why didn't you just wait for a black pair instead of an orange pair if that's what you wanted instead of making them change...and find over time that the dye begins to fade and they change gradually back towards orange with each wash. An odd analogy, but I think it makes the point.
When I made a cup of tea for my husband this morning I was scruffy as hell, my hair all askew and I looked more like Father Jack than Diana Dors but my husband wouldn't dream of telling me I looked unsexy! I don't say he didn't think it ;) and he certainly didn't say 'darling, you look spectacular you dear little thing' but then I'd be supremely suspicious if he did...! ;)
a real partner would never put you down like that especially when you are feeling low , i hope you can see that you deserve so much better and you will come out of this a lot stronger, he could possibly be one of the main reasons for you feeling worse maybe if it wasnt for him you would have overcome your problems sooner.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">i am getting use to him not being around.....call it preparation!
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Good for you Sarah. I am glad to see this post still going with all the support for you. See what you are used to already - you CAN cope! :)
Also remember:
"He did something that he PROMISED me after i found out the first time he'd never do it again.......but he did and destroyed my confidence all over. . . "
"I just wish i could be "normal" so i could be a good wife he deserves a good wife"
These two statements conflict each other. Is he loving and supportive? Is he good for your confidence? Does he deserve a "good" wife? What is that exactly? Someone who will accept everything he says about them and still adore him. That's not a loving relationship.
Sorry. It just makes me sad to think of you being treated that way. No deserves to be treated that way. Like Evie - first thing in the morning my hubby brings me a cuppa and tells me he loves me, i haven't brushed my teeth, my hair is crazy, my legs probably need shaving.... but love is warts and all as he says.
Keep thinking positive of preparing for him not being around. One day he will stay away and you will find yourself breathing a sigh of relief, just for the stability. Then later on, because you will realise that you can do it alone, and sometimes you are better off that way... [^]
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Having a terrible day.
He got home yesterday, he was really quite nice actually, then i went off to work. I got home at 1am he was asleep so we really didn't see that much of each other.
Today has been bloody horrible. He ALWAYS tells me that he works with "Unattractive women" because he knows that i am insecure (and i'm even more so after he's called me the ugly associated names in the world). We're in town today when this absolutely stunning girl has a beaming smile on her face (i did think, who the flipping heck is she smiling at) then she starts talking to my husband asking him how his training is going. After she has gone i am like "Who the hell is that?"....he replies "She's just someone i work with.". OMG - with that i am a little bit cross because he's been lying to me, although he doesn't see it as lying. We've got home, i am sobbing, feeling f* ugly, hideous, disgusting, fat, scabby, i self harm and take too many laxatives. When i feel THAT ugly i tend to do that and then i go and pick at my face leaving that even more spotty and gross. When i see that he is working along side someone who i could only dream about looking like it makes me feel so terrible. He doesn't understand the "fuss" and i should "grow up".
Probably over-reacting, but i it hurts that he wasn't honest with me.
I just wish i could be pretty, normal without revolting skin.
Ugh...
Fed up.
Sarah
Hi Sarah
It seems that your self confidence is so low that even if he worked with ladies who were all aged over 90 you'd probably feel inferior but please remember that beauty truly is entirely subjective and it's impossible to define what makes one person find another attractive but it usually starts on the inside and leaks out.
The fact that you particularly mentioned her beaming smile hints that it was as much her confidence as her looks that made you feel threatened. Remember that he chose YOU to marry and I'm sorry - unless you are a multi-millionaire heiress NO-ONE marries someone who they think is ugly so you must have suited his physical tastes very well.
What I said in earlier posts about your husband being responsible for his own happiness has to apply to you too - your first responsibility is towards learning to like yourself, because until that is addressed then your husband could be anyone; I have a feeling you'd still feel very insecure and worried about whether he would stay.
Do you have any idea how you started to dislike yourself so much? One of my best friends is borderline anorexic/bulimic and displays many of the same negative ideas as you do; even though she is both beautiful and witty she sees none of it. Have you received any counselling to help you address these negative thought patterns? CBT was a great help for me as it helped me understand a little bit about how these ideas begin to get out of hand. H :-)
Hi Evie..
I was bullied at school (i know a long time ago) for being fat and ugly from which i developed anorexia and bulimia. Throughout my teens i was compared to my gorgeous friend who got all the compliements despite being rude and stand-offish. I was just seen as "E's friend". Until i was 21 i have always stood in the shadows of my friends, i was never approached by men - they always walked past me. I regulary hear my friend talking about her other friends that are stunning...and all the blokes turn their heads as they walk in the room. My first proper boyfriend cheated on me with someone beautiful (big boobs, pretty eyes, skinny). I am the kind of girl that the joke is always on, people feel like they can belittle me, be mean and i take it. Just last night at work i was told that i looked "unattractive" by a customer....nice huh?
I'm told a lot by my mother that my skin is bad (mainly my fault due to picking when i feel crap) and of course now we have my loving husband saying bad things to me.
I have had therapy, many years ago but then i got pregnant and the therapist decided to stop it.
I just have SO many issues its untrue!!!
Sarah
Hi Sarah
You posted a few days ago so I hope you're feeling a little better now? I too was bullied at school and spent time with someone who said I was fat and had a bad attitude if I ever stood up for myself, which I didn't very often. I didn't realise how negative that relationship was until he ended it.
Its hard to learn self-esteem, and to stand up for yourself. even if its hard to stand up to people who are mean, try to keep away from them because they are so negative they are not worth your time.
Lisa.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
no one and i mean no one deserves to be spoken to or treated like that.i was with a physical and mentally abusive husband for 10years. u deserve better. i no its not easy but hav u thought of leaving him as he may be causing some of the problems u have. i think u need to sit down and talk to him and let him no how upsetting he is making u.then my dear if he cant change then mayb u will have to find the strength and courage to move on without him. thinking of u and if i can be of any help please get in touch.take care.
pjrobb
Hi Sarah
Sorry it's taken me a few days to reply - I'm just recovering from a really grim cold so have spent most of the last few days in bed.
Like you, I was always the ugly duckling next to the swan that was my best mate (who is also one of the funniest, wittiest girls I know) but to be honest I never saw it do her any favours particularly. She got the attention from all the people who are shallow and only interested in a person's looks whilst I, in the background and frequently called upon to be a fifteen-year-old gooseberry made a whole load of friends whom I went on to keep for years because the relationship was based on something other than looks/wanting to get a leg over. Of course, I'm witty and funny too but minus my friend's looks (and insecurities).
Twenty five years on and she, although still as witty and funny as ever, is still borderline anorectic/bulimic, with terrible self-image issues - hasn't the confidence to go to the corner shop without putting her full make-up on. I have to say though that that is in no way the fault of her partner - he is as patient and supportive as he can be but I do feel sorry for him as part of my friend's mechanism for testing her menfolk is to be absolutely horrid to them just to see whether they stay or leave. This is because she hangs the entire responsibility for HER happiness on THEIR shoulders and makes them suffer if they disappoint, which is utter crap and really unfair. If they stay, she secretly despises them and carries on worse than ever and if/when they eventually go, she thinks it is no less than she deserves which simply reinforces her low opinion of herslef. It's a very hard cycle to break. I'm rambling - the point I'm trying to make is this - who wants to be with someone who only wants you because you're pretty? I wouldn't, so please don't feel that you lost to women who were blonder/prettier/bustier than you. You lost (if at all) to women who had learned to live with themselves and who, below the surface, probably had just as many problems as you did - just in different areas. Imagine if you were beautiful and ended up a trophy wife. Then age starts to creep up and you're faced with the joint humiliation and self-betrayal of spending thousands on plastic surgery, hairdressing and dental work just to try and keep his interest (when he's probably been having affairs since six months after the wedding because that's how shallow he is) and the only reason he doesn't divorce you is because it'd be too expensive but he'll resent you for every penny you spend and make your life miserable for daring to have lost his interest. Oooh yeah, I reallly want that life. Not. Same goes for being really rich. Who would you really trust to be interested in you just for yourself? No. I'll settle for being really, really real, thanks. I'm 40, happy and married to a marvellous and handsome man who, me being a proper picture this week - puffy, streaming eyes, cracked red nostrils, half-buried in a heap of tissues and reeking of fisherman's friends - has fed me a constant stream of hot ribena, hot water bottles and tomato soup, and a sausage butty too.
You need to find someone who likes you for who you are. No more, no less. Before you can advertise yourself though, you need to learn to like yourself otherwise - for comparison - I'm advertising myself with a twelve-page glossy brochure, sponsored by Rolls Royce and included as a supplement in all the best Sunday broadsheets whilst you'll take out a 3-liner in the small ads section of the local free newspaper. Please Sarah, learn to like yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. Someone somewhere will think you are abso-blooming-lutely perfect but they'll never know unless you put yourself across as thinking it yourself.
Hi Sarah,
Just seeing if you're ok and how you are going.
Deb
wobily_lin
22-02-07, 10:25
Elo Sarah,
How r things now hun...Sorry i just caught up with this thread...
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
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