Sorry01
23-06-14, 03:27
Iv never do done this before so bare with me. I'm writing. Because I really need help but am terrified of what people will say.. A few years ago I got told I had sever anxiety and depression I was only 15 so didn't really understand how or why I had this which made it all a lot scarier. The doctor put me on medication and had me talk to a physiologist. I didn't enjoy either of these so when I started to feel better I came off the meds and stopped talking to someone, the anxiety an shitty feelings just seemed to go away. They then started to come back at the time I was with someone and after we broke up it was like all the crappy thoughts and shit feelings went away I was my happy, bubbly self, Ism now 19 and in another relationship with someone I love very much! We fight a lot, mainly because I have a lot of trust issues I always have, anyway not long ago I got the strangest feeling of sever panic and then the thought of hurting him like really hurting him physically. I have never experienced any feeling like this before and I could no longer be in the same room as him. The sever panic lasted all night causing me to get no sleep. The next day I kind of just forgot about it.. At the time we were staying at my parents for the weekend, anyway it was time to go back home to it just being me and him and it was fine at first but then I started to think about it again and started to get extremely anxious and ended up telling him I had just been feeling really anxious as he knew about my past with anxiety, and then the next few days were absolute toucher!! I stopped eating and sleeping I sat in bed all day, It was like my body was physically keeping me in bed the thought of moving terrified me, I couldn't cook I couldn't clean I couldn't go sit on the couch I just sat in bed all day, I couldn't be around knives or anything sharp Because of the thoughts I had this started to make me sick and very week, then I thought it was time to call the doctor, I went to my appointment told him I was feeling anxious ( didn't say anything about the terrible thoughts I had about my boyfriend because I was to scared, thought he might call me a psychopath and lock me away) he put me on medication to help but told me it would take a few days to get into my system.. A few days later I was still not eating and not getting out of bed so I had to go back and he then gave me Valium to take till the other tablets kicked in. My boyfriend was very worried about the state that I was in that he forced me to go back home to my parents where I could have the support of my mum who also suffers from anxiety, I cried and cried when he told me we were going back because I just didn't want to leave the comfort of my bed, he physically had to put me in the car, and not listen to my begging. I then stayed with my parents for the week while he went back to work and the tablets had kicked in and I was feeling much better so I went back home, everything was fine I was back doing my normal house wife duties. Including cooking tea! Everything was fine then a few weeks later we went back and spent another weekend at my parents and BAM the same thoughts happens and I got really anxious again couldn't be around him the anxiety was no where near as bad as I just ended up going on with my life. But then I just couldn't stop thinking about why the hell I would have such terrible and Completely stupid thoughts about someone I love so much and would never ever want to hurt. I just can't shake these thoughts and I'm sick of it! I'm starting to think maybe I am a phsyco and shouldn't be with him, I'm questioning our whole relationship.. I hate this and can't stand it! It's ruining my life and my relationship! I need help with what to do?! I feel so stupid, In need of any advice you can give I'm desperate and just want a normal life and not feel like I'm crazy, or being scared I'm going to loose control..