Linda01818
24-06-14, 01:19
I'm slowly, little by little, losing control of my mind and my thoughts. In other words, my mind and my thoughts are running my life. And I can't take much more of it. I mean, seriously, you know people who jot notes down to themselves throughout the day - things to remember, things to do on the computer once you get home, things to maybe look up and do some research on.
I just picked up a note I had written to myself about something I wanted to look up online. And at the time I wrote it, I didn't think much of it. But as I sat here and stared at it, reading it over and over again, I thought to myself my gawd... what am I doing??? The note I wrote to myself to look up online and literally research was "What happens when you die."
Really? Seriously? Who does that?!?!? I'm in tears because of this and it made me realize how often I think about death. It's constant. 24/7. I've talked myself so far into the belief that I'll soon have a heart and attack and die and leave my son behind that the last couple of nights (only at night while I'm in bed does it happen) I wake up off and on all night long with chest pains. I almost drove myself to the emergency room this morning. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. This isn't NORMAL. And all I want to do is live a NORMAL LIFE. A normal life without constantly worrying about how and when I'm going to die.
I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I'm ready to snap and I don't know what to do or where to go. I think I'm going to have no choice but to get back on the citalopram because it was the only thing that made me feel like a normal human being. But I've been avoiding it because the initial side-effects were pure hell and coming off it was a nightmare.
I honestly don't know what I'm asking here, if anything. I just needed to vent. And I wonder if there's help for someone like me. Has anyone else been on cit and then went off and had to go back on? Were your side-effects just as bad? I need to know the truth. Because I can't stand 'me' anymore. Should I go back on my meds? Or seek help elsewhere? I take lorazepam (ativan) for panicky moments, but it doesn't help the GAD, not the stuff that's deep-seated into my brain.
:emot-crying:
(tried to edit to remove the word "hell" from my original title but it didn't work)
I just picked up a note I had written to myself about something I wanted to look up online. And at the time I wrote it, I didn't think much of it. But as I sat here and stared at it, reading it over and over again, I thought to myself my gawd... what am I doing??? The note I wrote to myself to look up online and literally research was "What happens when you die."
Really? Seriously? Who does that?!?!? I'm in tears because of this and it made me realize how often I think about death. It's constant. 24/7. I've talked myself so far into the belief that I'll soon have a heart and attack and die and leave my son behind that the last couple of nights (only at night while I'm in bed does it happen) I wake up off and on all night long with chest pains. I almost drove myself to the emergency room this morning. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. This isn't NORMAL. And all I want to do is live a NORMAL LIFE. A normal life without constantly worrying about how and when I'm going to die.
I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I'm ready to snap and I don't know what to do or where to go. I think I'm going to have no choice but to get back on the citalopram because it was the only thing that made me feel like a normal human being. But I've been avoiding it because the initial side-effects were pure hell and coming off it was a nightmare.
I honestly don't know what I'm asking here, if anything. I just needed to vent. And I wonder if there's help for someone like me. Has anyone else been on cit and then went off and had to go back on? Were your side-effects just as bad? I need to know the truth. Because I can't stand 'me' anymore. Should I go back on my meds? Or seek help elsewhere? I take lorazepam (ativan) for panicky moments, but it doesn't help the GAD, not the stuff that's deep-seated into my brain.
:emot-crying:
(tried to edit to remove the word "hell" from my original title but it didn't work)