My Story

[Friday13]

Hi All
Just over 9 months ago I suddenly and out of the blue suffered a panic attack. I am 41 years old, had no history of anxiety issues or any type of mental health. There was no major changes in my life. I was fit, active and healthy, with a great family, with a good career, financially secure, VERY active social life and many hobbies.

This panic attack has ruined my life. It has ruminated into me obsessing on "fixing" myself. I suffer from symptoms all day, every day. I have tried meds including clonazepam and 3 different Anti Depressants. Nothing worked.

I have had so many tests done for biological reason because my psych (never thought Id have on of those) told me it would be considered rare and unusual for someone like me and at my age to suddenly develop a mental illness/anxiety disorder. All tests have come back negative except a controversial testing for lyme disease which came back showing exposure in my blood for Lyme, and Bartonella (which can cause anxiety and panic). but there is so much controversy surrounding the diagnosis of Lyme disease that I simply do not know what to do. I went to the USA to see a Lyme Doctor. She clinically diagnosed me with Chronic Lyme, and charged me $1300 for the one appt. OUCH! She wants me to start a very potent mixture of strong antibiotics that will make me quite ill. The problem with all this is that all my symptoms point to ANXIETY as well! And it's not impossible that I my body had enough of the working out, and all the hobbies, and constant go go go, and had a nervous breakdown of sorts.

I have tried CBT, I have tried Meds. I have tried other talk therapy. Nothing so far has worked. So I am now trying the method from Paul Bywaters book "A Life at Last".. Praying for any type of relief

One thing I want to know though.

Has anyone heard of someone with anxiety suffering vision problems all day, every day for several months? I suffer vision darkness, and haze, and blur, as well as floaters all the time. I also suffer anxiety, these strange panic attacks, depersonalization, and disassociation. My brain feels like it is toxic, and in a fog all day, sometimes like I am not even present and in a dreamworld. I do not get relief from my symptoms. Muscle twitching, headaches, and fatigue are some other symptoms I have.

My therapist said she has never heard of someone with anxiety having visions problems. So.. it's important if I can find out if it's anxiety related, because if not, then it would lead to the bartonella infection, which I then could finally diagnose and start treatment.

[MRS STRESS ED]

Hello. And welcome Friday13

You will find the site really good its helped me so much and in answer to your question about visual disturbances yeah anxiety can cause problems,I've had problems on and off ,just read the symptoms list and peoples posts ,you will find it will reassure you ,try and accept its anxiety its awful but not life threatening xx

[lior]

I don't have vision problems myself but I have heard others complaining of vision problems. So I would guess that the two are related. Some of the symptoms you're describing sound like side effects of meds - I had the feeling of being in a dream/detached as well as having vivid dreams on citalopram. The effects of citalopram lasted months after I stopped taking them - it affected how I experienced drinking alcohol - I wouldn't get drunk in the same way.Do you think any of your symptoms might be because of meds?

I don't know anything about Lyme but I do know this: taking steroids for my asthma made me allergic to fruit, and using an inhaler ruined my mum's teeth. There are side effects to all drugs - some we don't know about. If you take strong antibiotics, there is a chance it will ruin your immune system permanently, and you will start getting flu much more frequently. So I guess the question is: is the treatment worth the risk?

Maybe you're looking for an answer in the wrong place. Maybe the answer is within you somewhere. You're looking for explanations, pills, therapies. If none of that existed - what answer would you find to help yourself? The treatments we have on offer currently for anxiety are fallible, and sometimes can even be more harm than good.

[Friday13]

Thanks Guys. Yes, I absolutely have considered that the meds could be playing a role. The doctors prescribed me 3 different Anti Depressants and took me off them all cold turkey. I am also weaning off the Clonazepam. I want to be drug free. As for the risk of ruining my immune system, I am desperate at this point. I have suffered severely for 9 months. Every single day from something I don't understand. I went from completely happy to a wreck overnight. How can that be? At 40 years old to suddenly develop an unexplained anxiety disorder.

I am at my ropes end. I have looked at every possible scenario, both psychological and biological.

I simply do not know what is needed to recover and I just want my life back (like everyone else here I'm sure). I understand it can be a process that takes time, but I need to see some progress at some point or at least have a definitive path to follow.

I don't have thought distortions or situational circumstances causing this. I will literally suffer from symptoms all day, regardless of situation. So it's hard for me to wrap my head around.

Will poke around here and see if I can't find some helpful resources.

[lior]

9 months isn't actually that long you know.

I'm sure you've questioned it before anyway, but did you have any life changes or changes in values or patterns of thinking in the weeks and months before the onset of your disorder? Maybe it's something that you've overlooked. I couldn't figure out why I was depressed when it first happened to me. It took me a year to figure out it was because I was bisexual and I knew my mum was slightly homophobic. Eventually I consummated my sexuality, and told my parents... those two things made a massive difference to how I felt.

That year was a truly horrible year. I had a counsellor who was awful! She gave me totally wrong direction. She made me feel much worse.

So basically I was unhappy with the status quo, but couldn't see what the status quo was. Who I was clashed with my circumstances, though I couldn't see it clearly. In time and with the right help (a brilliant therapist) I worked out the causes of my feelings and eventually summoned up the courage to take action to change my status quo.

[Friday13]

Thank you Lior. I have tried to think about what happened alot. There was no sudden changes in my life. The only thing that was going on was I was training quite hard for an upcoming mountain bike race, dieting to drop 5 pounds, and working out 2 times per day. It was also a very busy period for work, and I had just started a new band where I am the lead singer and guitarist. But I was happy and loved biking and working out and music, but maybe I did too much, and I blew a fuse, and since blowing that fuse I have simply gone around and around, obsessing about the feelings, making it worse and never giving my body a chance to heal.

That is a theory I have. But even my psychiatrist (Can't believe I have one now), said it would be rare and unusual for someone of my age and position to suddenly develop an anxiety disorder. But certainly not impossible.

So I now need to decide if I want to tackle this diagnosis of Lyme disease, or if I want to keep trying to tackle anxiety and nervous illness as the root cause.

If it's anxiety, does it ever go away? I'm not sure I can beat this. It came out of nowhere and has ruled my life daily and stolen my life. My 2 young children wonder what happened to their daddy who was so happy and fun before. I don't know how to beat this. I have tried everything and despair has set in. I go to bed at night praying I do not waker up many nights. Sad that it is come to this.

[HalfJack]

Anxiety can definetly go away, you might find it recedes rather than vanishes but hopelessness is a symptom of mental illness not the reality. Depression and/or anxiety can make you feel helpless or small but you're not defenceless, it's just a matter of riding the waves and finding your footing.

Quite a few people have posted threads about vision issues on here before, might be worth checking out sometime providing it won't trigger you at all.
I went through a period where my vision was affected for several months last year when I was very stressed. It freaked me out a bit but once I calmed down a bit it went away and it's not come back again, even when I've been stressed.

Regarding your lack of success with treatment it might just be a matter of right treatment wrong time/practitioner/advice/area etc. There WILL be something out there for you, it's just a matter of finding it :)
My boyfriend has been struggling to find things that work for him but we bought a book on mindfulness that he's really responding to and I've heard a lot of good feedback from other people about it too...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

[Friday13]

Thanks HalfJack. Yes, I hope I can find the answer. I need to find the right path. I don't understand why the symptoms never go away. I suffer all the time. I thought anxiety was supposed to come and go.

I am giving this "Just Live and Let it be" mentality a go from the book I just read. I hope it can put me on the track to recovery.

[lior]

It sounds like obsessing is making it worse - anxiety about anxiety - meta-anxiety - it's a spiral. The let it be mentality sounds like a cool idea - do you accept you have anxiety right now? Are you 'out' about it?

Your psychiatrist said it was rare and unusual for someone like you to develop this suddenly. Is that making you worried? Does it make you look for more explanations?

It sounds like you blew a fuse indeed. You know, some people start to become depressed after someone has died - their grieving carries on beyond the average time it takes to grieve. Maybe your anxiety is just taking a bit longer to play out than it would if someone else blew a fuse.

If I were you, and I was having vision problems, and worrying about how my kids see me etc, I would take a massive step back, and come to terms with how things are right now. Some time alone might help - and cut back on commitments. Then, only when you feel ready, start taking on commitments again a step at a time. Well, that's the ideal anyway - real life means you can't always pause on your commitments - but I guess it's up to your circumstances.

It's funny - once you accept that you are suffering - it makes it easier for the suffering to go away.