Anxiety and love.

[HalfJack]

I have had anxiety and depression for a long time. I live with my wonderful boyfriend, I knew he had problems with depression but it got a lot worse about 5 months ago. He began to get anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts too.
He handles them pretty well and he assures me he doesn't intend to commit suicide, but he's told me he thinks about it all the time and I'm terrorfied.

Hes a very good man, and he's been an incredibly supportive partner, I love him unconditionally and I don't intend to leave him I'm just struggling. I want to be supportive but he's pushing me away. He says it's because that's how he deals with things and he doesn't want me to go, but it's confusing to comfort a person whose acting like you're not there or they wish you weren't.
I can't help but feel like he's rejecting me. He doesn't even want to kiss me anymore.

I can't talk to him about it because he's so fragile and I know he needs my support right now. I feel like I'm failing him by being so sensitive.
I don't have anyone I can talk to. I'm scared for him, I'm scared for our financial future and I need comfort. I'm crying a lot in secret.

I don't know what to do. If you read this far I'm impressed! Any advice will be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[Carnation]

Hi,

I used to have a boyfriend that was a Manic Depressive. It's a very hard thing to live with. But I learnt that he had to come round in his own time. The more I pushed or tried to talk, the worse it was. He was better when I acted more normal and just got on with the daily routine. You can do little things to reassure him you are there and he knows you care, so don't fret. Depression can bring the whole house down and you end up carrying it for him as well. Try to keep your Life full so you don't dwell in it too much. My boyfriend eventually turned himself around, but it is a condition that can flare up from time to time, but you will work it out somehow. x

[HalfJack]

Thanks Carnation, it's really good to hear from someone who's gone through something similar.

I wasn't sure if I was dealing with it correctly but I guess I'm doing the right stuff, thanks for the advice. I've been giving him a mix of space and support and letting him initiate serious conversations. I felt selfish for letting it bring me down but maybe that's a normal reaction to it.
Thanks again :)

---------- Post added at 01:34 ---------- Previous post was at 01:33 ----------

I guess what I've neglected is my own well being by not distracting myself and keeping busy!

[aprilmoon]

Hi halfjack
I think carnations advice of carrying on with routine is a good idea for both of you.
It will give you some structure to your day,and that in itself can be reassuring for both of you.
When you get through this patch,you will probably find that its actually brought you both even closer together,meanwhile make sure you take good care of yourself as well
Sending you a hug :hugs:

[kaylee1811]

Hi, I am new to this so please bear with me.

I have always suffered with anxiety and depression. I have lived with my partber for 5 years and have always seen him as the strong one, and me being the crazy one lol. Around a year ago, out of the blue, depression got a hold of him and occasionally suffers from panic attacks. As selfish as this sounds I hated him not being around for me, I felt and still feel like I am walking on eggshells, scared to say anything that might upset him. What I found that evened out the balance was me concentrating on myseelf, obviously I have wobbles but.i discuss them with him.

If talking to your partner is not really a option try amd do something fun together otherwise yoy get stuck.in a routine of just being with each other and not actually being with each other if that makes sense. Have.you thought about getting a hobby together? We have a dog so we take him for waljs together.

Sorry about a long jumbled message, with a lot of typos!

Kaylee

[Elle__4]

He loves you, that's clear. The pressure of life and his own existence is suffocating him right now and there's simply no room to be able to cope with anyone else - even though he needs you more than ever when he's feeling so lost and numb. Anyone who has suffered depression will understand the feeling of needing reassurance but not being able to think outside of their own crushing haze. Stay close but let him have his space and his time to come in and out of the cloud himself. There will be good days and on those days he will come to you. On those days talk, walk, sit outside, eat together, hug and think of ways to cope or combat this and make plans while he's positive and willing and strong.

and don't forget to look after you .. x

[raggamuffin]

Anxiety and depression tends to be masked temporarily when a relationship is new. But after a time it's just another thing to be anxious or depressed about.

Ed

[somerandom]

My partner has been incredible over the years with dealing with all the stuff that my life throws at her.

When I feel really low I just need space sometimes. We all need our alone time and its important to wrap your head around issues that you are struggling with.

Give him some space and let him initiate conversation with you. Look after yourself as well, confide in someone you trust - mum, dad ect. I've had some dark days and one of the things that kept me going was that I knew I could confide in my other half if i needed to, even if I didnt want to.

I'm certain that whatever place he finds himself in, he knows he's got you.

[AnxietyDJ]

I broke up with my ex due to some of my issues worsening (I hadn't been diagnosed at that point though) and whilst I think she could have been more supportive when I tried to make her understand how I was feeling, I still acted poorly and didn't treat her in the way you should treat someone you love - i.e. I could be distant, unaffectionate, lethargic / lazy etc. etc., which of course was mainly down to the depression and anxiety, but at the same time, I still felt like I should have done more to stop it impacting on her as much as it did.

it's a very tough situation and at the end of the day, you have to get something out of the relationship - I would hate someone to stay with me just because they felt guilty about leaving me due to my conditions... If you're not happy, you're not happy and you do have to think about no.1 sometimes. That said, I definitely think A LOT of people need an education on what mental illness is all about and realise that a little support can go a long way to improving someone's daily outlook and therefore, help improve the relationship.

Good luck with your relationship OP - hope it works out :)

[HalfJack]

Thanks guys.
@Anxiety DJ, Thanks for your input :) I'm not happy as such but that's just because times are hard, our relationship is a really good one, we're both just very down at the moment so it's a bit rough but nothing worth breaking up over at all. sorry to hear about your former relationship, good luck to you too x

@somerandom, thanks to you too! It's good to hear from guys who have been on the other side of this.

@Ellie_4, Thanks for being so positive, I feel pretty re-energized after reading that. You're right about it getting better, I suppose my anxiety and depression lead me to think the worst when I most need to be positive. I needed a boost!
That's really good advice about making plans etc, he suggested something similar recently in a breif moment of posativity.
I react to my depression very differently to him and it's been really hard for me to comprehend what to do to help but at least I understand how horrible and fragile he feels. I feel much better thank you :)

---------- Post added at 01:05 ---------- Previous post was at 00:54 ----------

@No worries Kaylee! Thanks for taking the time to reply :) I don't feel like he's not there for me, until I met him I'd never had the help of anyone else so I'm used to dealing with it alone to a point, but I definitely feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time it makes my anxiety run riot.
We did do quite a lot of things together, but less so at the moment I know what you mean about being but not being together. I think that's what I was scared was happening, but I think he just needs to clear his head and read his books next to me for now but I'll definitely encourage us to do more together when he's back on his feet. I'd forgotten about all that.

@April moon, Big thanks :) That's really nice of you to say :hugs:

[mat1t_uk]

HI HalfJAck
I found that making & sticking to planned events was a massive confidence booster. If you find yourself down because of future uncertainty then fill your diary with new experiences together!!
Mat

[HalfJack]

He's pretty overwhelmed at the moment, making plans seems to be something he finds hard to deal with.
But it's a nice thought, worth persevering when he feels a bit better perhaps.

[Sunflower2]

I can relate to this, as my boyfriend has cyclothymia, so ever since I've known him he's had periods of feeling very down. He doesn't like to talk about what is making him feel down, I'm not sure why but maybe he doesn't like to dwell on it more by talking about it and then it passes again. It can be hard cause you don't know what to do to make them feel better as they don't know themselves, but just being there for them makes everything a bit better. He tends to distance himself from me a bit when he feels like that, but I can always find a way back in. I feel a bit guilty as I've sort of contributed to him feeling down, as I went completely anxiety crazy a few months ago and it really got to him. So now to try and not put too much on him I limit how much crazy talk I tell him and keep our relationship about us rather than our individual problems. Unless they are like, important things but not chronic conditions that we both know about. I saw this picture that I thought was quite a good representation, can't find it now but the message was just be there for them and don't force them to do anything or say anything, just there. I'm sure he really appreciates all that you're doing and I hope things get better soon!