Smoking related question

[ab4]

Hey
I hope someone will answer this question which is burning me up.
My boyfriend gave up smoking not long after we met as he knew I didn't like it. He promised me that he would give up for good if I tried in earnest to try and front out my agrorophobia and social anxieties.

A little while later I found receipts from his shopping trips and cigarettes would on occasions appear. When questioned, he said he was buying them for other people and that he wasn't hiding anything from me because if that was the case, he would do a better job of it than leave evidence lying around.

I found today in his pocket a lighter and packet of chewing gum and after smelling smoke when he has come back from work on occasion, I now suspect he is still smoking at work. He does a stressful job, but what I can't face is confronting him yet again, and potentially being lied to again when I'm fairly sure he is still smoking.

What on EARTH do I do? Someone please help.

ab4

[candie]

Hi ab4,

Have you stuck to to your end of the bargain by facing up to your fears?

I know how difficult it is to quit smoking as i myself am a smoker and do you find it that much of a problem if he's only doing it at work and not in front of you? He'll only give up smoking if he wants to genuinly give up,it is a strong addiction after all...

I would just calmy confront him and ask him to be honest and maybe see if you can compromise...?

Take care,Candie xx

[mooks]

diffucult one...im a smoker its hard...but he smoked when you met him...and you da social anxiety etc when he met you..
you have to think is it really a problem...he might get to a stage when he wants to give up for himself like i do now...if people are forced it makes us hide it xx

[john cuthbert]

I am no expert but I gave up smoking 15 years ago. It took a near fatal road traffic accident and a pact with myself to do it. stating if i survived I would give up. It's far from easy and so easy to look for others to vent on rather than face your own problems.........Stone me if you need too....but consentrate on No 1 YOUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
me uuuuuu is stilll sticking lol.....

Good luck to you

regards Non expert John

[ab4]

Thanks, John. The hardest thing about suspecting that he's needing to keep smoking is the fact that he is doing it behind my back and not being honest. That's what hurts. It's worse than the actual smoking knowing that he's probably doing this and knowingly lying to me. It really impacts on my trusting him.

<div align="right">Originally posted by john cuthbert - 15 December 2006 : 20:28:14</div id="right">
[/quote]

ab4

[jill]

Hi :D

I am a smoker and its sooo hard for me to give them up.

**The hardest thing about suspecting that he's needing to keep smoking is the fact that he is doing it behind my back and not being honest. That's what hurts. It's worse than the actual smoking knowing that he's probably doing this and knowingly lying to me. It really impacts on my trusting him.**


I can totally understand were you are coming from, but what you will have to find out is, why he feels the need to hide his smoking. He may feel like he's not only let himself down, but letIIing you down as well. He may feel sooo quilty and does not know how you would react to him wanting to smoke.

Please talk to him softly, I know you feel hurt right now, but if you talk to him and try to understand what he says, there may be a fairly good reason why he can't pack them in, ohh I should know, its sooo hard, ( I'm still trying and will keep trying)

I don't think its a matter of comfronting him, look on it as trying to understand things more, try not to see it as a confrontation, talk to him in an understanding way, just tell him you want to understand, tell him you can both work through this and you will help him if you can, every step of the way. Also tell him what you have said on her, thats its not the smoking thats bothering you, its the fact that he is hiding it.

I have learned many things on this site and one of them is to change the way I deal with my relationship, argueing and shouting will not get me anywhere, but trying to understand the other half and talking things through has worked for me so far. In fact my hubby thinks I've lost the plot when I say I want to talk about the little things that may play on my mind. Hay, even alot of little things can lead to one big thing, ( high anxiety)

I do hope you can talk things through, Please let us know how you get on. You can work things out, it just take time and alot of talk.

hope this helps

LOVE JILLXXX

[ab4]

Jill

Thanks so much for your feedback on this. It really helps. I just don't know HOW to broach the subject because whichever and however I do it, it's gonna look confrontational.

If anyone else could put themselves in my shoes and suggest to me how they would tackle this tricky topice, please PLEASE post. I need advice big style.

ab4

[keepemlaughing]

Sounds like you are maybe??? being a little too controling? You cannot control whether he smokes or not, no more than he can control whether you have anxiety or not. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but its just the way it is. Hopefully you will be able to come to a comfortable compromise. I know it sucks and smoking is disgusting. Maybe check out a twelve step program.



Sheryl

Always expect a train.

[ab4]

Cheers Sheryl

I decided in the end last night to broach it once and for all to stop it eating up inside me. You're totally right about the controlling aspect of my personality and it's really horrible. A total inheritance from my mother regrettably who gave me a rather sheltered, overly-concerned unbringing.

Anyway, I digress. I texted him last night whilst he was at work and mentioned that loads of stuff had fallen out of his pocket and I hope I'd managed to pick it all up and pop it back in, to which he replied "yes, great, it all seemed there".

He then rang because he was able to and we chatted briefly. He could tell straight away that something was bothering me and I said that I was a little confused by the lighter being in his pocket. He told me it was light up his mates fags, and also those of people he comes into contact with in his job (I won't go into his job but it's stressful and involves quite often stressed families and upset people).

He then had to go (quite abruptly) and that was the end of the call. I'm not sure if he could tell how I was feeling by the way I responded. I wasn't sure by his answer - although in context it did seem to stack up - and I've now got to accept this once and for all and forget about it.

I also need to deal with my controlling attitude. Maybe this little journey is gonna help me too.



ab4

[keepemlaughing]

I am happy that you did get to talk, ab, even if he may not have been honest with you. You are right to let it go, for now. It will eat you up if you dwell on it. I am happy that I did not offend you. Hope to run into you on the chat line.
Sheryl[8D]

Sheryl

Always expect a train.