lewis41
28-06-14, 21:08
Hello my name is Ashley and id just like to say thank you for taking the time to read my post, i would really appreciate some feedback.
My partner and i have been together for over 2 years now and up until about the last 2 months i thought that we had gotten over and moved on from every possible problem a relationship could take. The truth is, we love each other and want this to work but the anxiety which has started to creep into my life if destroying us.
This may not seem significant from the off but will make more sense as you read on...
Around a couple of months into my relationship i discovered that i had some really bad issues with telling the truth and being forthcoming with what was going on with me. I had lived for so long as the sort of person who would not face up to the truth through fear i would get shouted at or worse really upset the other person. This meant i would lie to my girlfriends face for months and weeks and eventually create a set of lies and scenarios i could never keep up with. It began with ex girlfriend issues and quickly spread to my problems with drugs. I would always think in the short term that these secrets would never be discovered, but like any lie they always did. Be it text messages, phone calls or just looking damn guilty. As i imagine most people when they get found out react, it gave me extreme anxiety e.g. sweating, red face, racing heart, but NEVER any sort of sensations i would relate to having a panic attack, just the sort of sensations you get as a child when your mum discovers you painting your bedroom wall with felt tip pen!!!
This stage of our relationship lasted for many months until i decided to make some drastic changes. I got help for my drugs problem and have since been clean for almost a year, i vowed to be as honest as possible at all times and always be vigilant to keep open and honest communication going. This has gone really well for us and has enabled us to built a very strong relationship since. As with all new life changes there have been small hiccups along the way which we have ironed out however there was one which i believe has damaged me as a person and it is this...
6 months ago i was reminded of something which i had not told my girlfriend from months previous, a secret which would have been so damaging at the time, i felt i could never tell her. A feeling of anxiety came over me. I flushed red, i started sweating and began to panic, yet somehow i managed to compose myself and keep eye contact away from the girlfriend. Somehow she did not notice."Phew" i thought to myself, i can never let this one go, so i decided to bury it. This feeling of sheer panic stayed with me from that point and although i had thought of it and not told here many times before, this time it was differernt, because this time the feeling of anxiety was to stay with me. In the months following i found myself completely disconnected from my partner, hard to look into her eyes at times, thought she was looking into my soul. I can only describe it as a feeling of being disconnected from her and with the world around me at times, a level of heightened anxiety the majority of the time. God knows how i managed to avoid a panic attacks previously!
Anyway around a month ago i told her this terrible secret as i was reminded of it when talking to a health proffessional and this same feeling of panic came over me, i could barely breathe. Amazingly my partner was very understanding and thanked me for telling her and we have tried to move on. The thing is, my brain cannot seem to. It seems to be stuck in this disconnected trance. Not 100% of the time, but very often and it is making my lovely girlfriend wonder what i am hiding as she now knows the face and look etc as i've told her the problems it was causing me. The thing is, and i can say this with complete honest conviction, there is nothing left to tell. This was the thing which i was almost prepared to take to my grave with me had it not been for that day. I am so glad i told her and so glad to be rid of it all and really want to make a fresh start but the lingering feeling of anxiety still remains.
I get waves of anxiety just sitting on the sofa watching TV, or half way through a conversation. Most notably though, is when i am asked a question, i freak out like im hiding something or i'm tied down to a lie detector machine, its crazy! I do not know wherelse to turn other than to ask for the help of people who i beleive go through a similar thing. I would like to add that i understand what i am going through in most cases is nothing compared with the majority of the people who seek help on here and i sympathise and hope through enlightenment i can help you just the same. But my problem is a real mental issue for me and would be grateful for any responses and thoughts.
Many Thanks,
Ashley
My partner and i have been together for over 2 years now and up until about the last 2 months i thought that we had gotten over and moved on from every possible problem a relationship could take. The truth is, we love each other and want this to work but the anxiety which has started to creep into my life if destroying us.
This may not seem significant from the off but will make more sense as you read on...
Around a couple of months into my relationship i discovered that i had some really bad issues with telling the truth and being forthcoming with what was going on with me. I had lived for so long as the sort of person who would not face up to the truth through fear i would get shouted at or worse really upset the other person. This meant i would lie to my girlfriends face for months and weeks and eventually create a set of lies and scenarios i could never keep up with. It began with ex girlfriend issues and quickly spread to my problems with drugs. I would always think in the short term that these secrets would never be discovered, but like any lie they always did. Be it text messages, phone calls or just looking damn guilty. As i imagine most people when they get found out react, it gave me extreme anxiety e.g. sweating, red face, racing heart, but NEVER any sort of sensations i would relate to having a panic attack, just the sort of sensations you get as a child when your mum discovers you painting your bedroom wall with felt tip pen!!!
This stage of our relationship lasted for many months until i decided to make some drastic changes. I got help for my drugs problem and have since been clean for almost a year, i vowed to be as honest as possible at all times and always be vigilant to keep open and honest communication going. This has gone really well for us and has enabled us to built a very strong relationship since. As with all new life changes there have been small hiccups along the way which we have ironed out however there was one which i believe has damaged me as a person and it is this...
6 months ago i was reminded of something which i had not told my girlfriend from months previous, a secret which would have been so damaging at the time, i felt i could never tell her. A feeling of anxiety came over me. I flushed red, i started sweating and began to panic, yet somehow i managed to compose myself and keep eye contact away from the girlfriend. Somehow she did not notice."Phew" i thought to myself, i can never let this one go, so i decided to bury it. This feeling of sheer panic stayed with me from that point and although i had thought of it and not told here many times before, this time it was differernt, because this time the feeling of anxiety was to stay with me. In the months following i found myself completely disconnected from my partner, hard to look into her eyes at times, thought she was looking into my soul. I can only describe it as a feeling of being disconnected from her and with the world around me at times, a level of heightened anxiety the majority of the time. God knows how i managed to avoid a panic attacks previously!
Anyway around a month ago i told her this terrible secret as i was reminded of it when talking to a health proffessional and this same feeling of panic came over me, i could barely breathe. Amazingly my partner was very understanding and thanked me for telling her and we have tried to move on. The thing is, my brain cannot seem to. It seems to be stuck in this disconnected trance. Not 100% of the time, but very often and it is making my lovely girlfriend wonder what i am hiding as she now knows the face and look etc as i've told her the problems it was causing me. The thing is, and i can say this with complete honest conviction, there is nothing left to tell. This was the thing which i was almost prepared to take to my grave with me had it not been for that day. I am so glad i told her and so glad to be rid of it all and really want to make a fresh start but the lingering feeling of anxiety still remains.
I get waves of anxiety just sitting on the sofa watching TV, or half way through a conversation. Most notably though, is when i am asked a question, i freak out like im hiding something or i'm tied down to a lie detector machine, its crazy! I do not know wherelse to turn other than to ask for the help of people who i beleive go through a similar thing. I would like to add that i understand what i am going through in most cases is nothing compared with the majority of the people who seek help on here and i sympathise and hope through enlightenment i can help you just the same. But my problem is a real mental issue for me and would be grateful for any responses and thoughts.
Many Thanks,
Ashley