Ardán
28-06-14, 22:09
Hello everyone, I hope you’re all ok and well. My name is Ardán and I am 24.
I have been having problems for 20 years now due to my step dad who was physically, mentally and sexually abusive with me for the majority of my life (sexually when I was a child) and now at 24 I am suffering severely with depression, general anxiety disorder and PTSD including agoraphobia as well.
In 2010 I finally had the courage to go to the police to report what he did to me and days later he was arrested and interviewed and a few weeks later charged but he was also charged for attempting to rape my cousin (his sister’s daughter) as well as molesting her and other charges and it eventually went to trial in February 2011 and he was found guilty after a 4 week trial and was sentenced to 4 years and a half years in prison and to sign the sex offenders register for life and was also given a Sexual offences prevention order and the judge made this for anyone 18 or under but sadly he is out of prison now. The real reason I went to the police was to protect my nephew and niece who were only 2 and 3 at the time, I walked in from a new year’s eve party the following morning to see my step dad with my niece on his lap whilst my mum was asleep and his hands were basically near her genital area and it just sent flash backs to me, I had to protect them and I would do anything to do that and I had to and even though I don’t get to see them now, I know they’re not in danger from him any-more, god knows what he did to her before I got back in, he's a slimy horrible man.
Since 2010 I have been under the care of my GP who has been very supportive through all of this and has prescribed me many anti-depressant medications, anxiety medications and sedatives to help me sleep but only one anti-depressant worked for me for a while which was Sertraline but a few months ago that stopped helping but in March this year I finally got a psychiatrist and we have tried a few medications but for now were sticking with 150mg of Amitriptyline at night (I have been taking this since 2010 for sleeping) for sleeping and as an anti-depressant and also 75mg of Pregabalin twice a day for anxiety and if this doesn't work we’ll try other medications.
I have also been getting CBT from the CPN at the mental health service at the hospital and she has been fantastic with me and we have been working together since January 2013 but it’s been a very slow process because my symptoms are that bad because even though my step dad was found guilty, all of my family turned their backs on me calling me a liar and I am constantly getting problems from them like harassment and intimidation which doesn’t help at all as well as other things and I constantly feel like ending my life which I have tried twice but failed, I struggle to leave my house to even collect prescriptions and recently I felt that bad that I have had to get my prescriptions delivered by an on-line pharmacy, but I’m not scared of leaving my house because of a threat of them attacking me, it’s the other way around because I have rage issues I can’t control and if I saw them I would attack them and do damage and I don’t want to end up in prison. I told my psychiatrist this other day that if they ever came to my house to attack me, It wouldn't phase me to put the small hand axe I have through someone’s skull, but I wouldn't go out hunting them and then do it, my psychiatrist didn't understand me correctly when I said that and I had to be more specific with her to tell her I wouldn't just hunt one of them and do it to them, but through all of my childhood and in to my teens I always kept myself in my room away from him with my windows and blinds closed because I would end up getting hit but as I got older that stopped, I also hardly eat because when I cook I end up forgetting I am cooking and my kitchen goes on fire and this has happened three times, even when I run a bath I forget and I end up flooding my bathroom and it’s not safe for me to leave my flat because when I do, I do get panic attacks and when I get them I get aggressive, I can’t be in crowded places for the same reason but I also lack concentration, two years ago when walking to my Dr’s office I crossed a busy main road without even looking and ended nearly being hit my cars.
I know I have only been seeing my psychiatrist since March this year but I don’t think she understands how bad my depression, anxiety etc is, it’s ruining my life and it’s severe and I am finding it hard to cope even though I have been learning coping mechanisms etc and she just makes me think I am not trying hard enough and that CBT should be a quick fix, is it normal to feel like this? My CPN is brilliant and without her I wouldn't be here today, it also makes me think my psychiatrist is thinking my nurse isn't doing her job correctly and it’s beginning to annoy me now because she is doing her job right.
My GP signed me off work in May 2010 and I have been off since then and I don’t work because I’m lazy, I don’t because I have mental health problems, they are a legitimate reasons, it’s just not safe me to do it I don’t know what to think about any more, I could go on and on but this thread will end up like a book but I will end this with a quote from Breaking Bad by Jesse Pinkman, it pretty much sums up how I feel.
‘Everything I ever cared about is gone! Ruined, Turned to sh*t, Dead, I have never been more alone! I have nothing! No one! It’s all gone….’
I have been having problems for 20 years now due to my step dad who was physically, mentally and sexually abusive with me for the majority of my life (sexually when I was a child) and now at 24 I am suffering severely with depression, general anxiety disorder and PTSD including agoraphobia as well.
In 2010 I finally had the courage to go to the police to report what he did to me and days later he was arrested and interviewed and a few weeks later charged but he was also charged for attempting to rape my cousin (his sister’s daughter) as well as molesting her and other charges and it eventually went to trial in February 2011 and he was found guilty after a 4 week trial and was sentenced to 4 years and a half years in prison and to sign the sex offenders register for life and was also given a Sexual offences prevention order and the judge made this for anyone 18 or under but sadly he is out of prison now. The real reason I went to the police was to protect my nephew and niece who were only 2 and 3 at the time, I walked in from a new year’s eve party the following morning to see my step dad with my niece on his lap whilst my mum was asleep and his hands were basically near her genital area and it just sent flash backs to me, I had to protect them and I would do anything to do that and I had to and even though I don’t get to see them now, I know they’re not in danger from him any-more, god knows what he did to her before I got back in, he's a slimy horrible man.
Since 2010 I have been under the care of my GP who has been very supportive through all of this and has prescribed me many anti-depressant medications, anxiety medications and sedatives to help me sleep but only one anti-depressant worked for me for a while which was Sertraline but a few months ago that stopped helping but in March this year I finally got a psychiatrist and we have tried a few medications but for now were sticking with 150mg of Amitriptyline at night (I have been taking this since 2010 for sleeping) for sleeping and as an anti-depressant and also 75mg of Pregabalin twice a day for anxiety and if this doesn't work we’ll try other medications.
I have also been getting CBT from the CPN at the mental health service at the hospital and she has been fantastic with me and we have been working together since January 2013 but it’s been a very slow process because my symptoms are that bad because even though my step dad was found guilty, all of my family turned their backs on me calling me a liar and I am constantly getting problems from them like harassment and intimidation which doesn’t help at all as well as other things and I constantly feel like ending my life which I have tried twice but failed, I struggle to leave my house to even collect prescriptions and recently I felt that bad that I have had to get my prescriptions delivered by an on-line pharmacy, but I’m not scared of leaving my house because of a threat of them attacking me, it’s the other way around because I have rage issues I can’t control and if I saw them I would attack them and do damage and I don’t want to end up in prison. I told my psychiatrist this other day that if they ever came to my house to attack me, It wouldn't phase me to put the small hand axe I have through someone’s skull, but I wouldn't go out hunting them and then do it, my psychiatrist didn't understand me correctly when I said that and I had to be more specific with her to tell her I wouldn't just hunt one of them and do it to them, but through all of my childhood and in to my teens I always kept myself in my room away from him with my windows and blinds closed because I would end up getting hit but as I got older that stopped, I also hardly eat because when I cook I end up forgetting I am cooking and my kitchen goes on fire and this has happened three times, even when I run a bath I forget and I end up flooding my bathroom and it’s not safe for me to leave my flat because when I do, I do get panic attacks and when I get them I get aggressive, I can’t be in crowded places for the same reason but I also lack concentration, two years ago when walking to my Dr’s office I crossed a busy main road without even looking and ended nearly being hit my cars.
I know I have only been seeing my psychiatrist since March this year but I don’t think she understands how bad my depression, anxiety etc is, it’s ruining my life and it’s severe and I am finding it hard to cope even though I have been learning coping mechanisms etc and she just makes me think I am not trying hard enough and that CBT should be a quick fix, is it normal to feel like this? My CPN is brilliant and without her I wouldn't be here today, it also makes me think my psychiatrist is thinking my nurse isn't doing her job correctly and it’s beginning to annoy me now because she is doing her job right.
My GP signed me off work in May 2010 and I have been off since then and I don’t work because I’m lazy, I don’t because I have mental health problems, they are a legitimate reasons, it’s just not safe me to do it I don’t know what to think about any more, I could go on and on but this thread will end up like a book but I will end this with a quote from Breaking Bad by Jesse Pinkman, it pretty much sums up how I feel.
‘Everything I ever cared about is gone! Ruined, Turned to sh*t, Dead, I have never been more alone! I have nothing! No one! It’s all gone….’