Peronel
29-06-14, 13:29
Hello everyone,
This contains mention of suicide, for those with triggers.
This is my first post and I know I should be over in the Intro thread, but I've been having a strange week and I really just wanted to jump right in.
I have GAD which manifests as Health Anxiety. I have lived with this since I was 18. I am turning 30 tomorrow. Eeek.
I have been through nearly every common Health Anxiety symptom. Started with heart palps/pulse checking/sitting up in the middle of the night thinking my heart had stopped. Over the years, I have switched between focussing on my heart, my stomach/digestion, various muscular pains, brain tumour fears and "brain fog" etc etc etc. You guys know the usual!
I am a body scanner, as most of us probably are. In moments when not completely distracted, I scan my body for my symptom of the day, to check whether it is occurring.
To get to my current issue - I have very recently had a week off work on stress leave. My job is quite stressful, I have a lot of managers giving me work without caring about my workload, and it got to the point where I became so tired and stressed at work that I burst into tears.
A lovely GP recommended that as work was causing me stress, I should take a week off. I'm not sure how constructive this week was, because it made me worry about how my bosses would react when I finally returned to work (FYI, they were very good about it).
One night, during this time off, I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep, when I suddenly thought "wouldn't it be so much easier not to have to deal with this anxiety anymore".
I became very upset, because I interpreted this as a suicidal thought, even though I in no way wanted to (nor do I currently want to) take my own life.
Soooo....for the rest of my week off....feelings of depression have become my new "symptom" to scan for. At least, that's the only way I can explain that I have suddenly started to experience feelings of depression and hopelessness when I am alone with my thoughts.
As I said, this happened about a week ago, and each time I have been in a quiet moment, I have thought "Okay, am I feeling depressed now?" and have become upset when I wasn't able to tell myself that I was deliriously happy in that moment (I'm an all or nothing girl, me!). So, just like a slight headache or dizziness becomes a brain tumour in the mind of a HA person, feelings of slight flatness or a lack of total happiness became "OMG I am clinically depressed and will commit suicide" in my mind.
Anyway, this has turned into a bit of a rambling mess, I really just wanted to get it out of my brain and written down. I'd also done some searching on the forum and couldn't find this exact issue, so I thought others might find this helpful.
Some things I have realised today that have helped:
1. This is my "symptom of the moment". Yes, it's scary because it is related to mental health rather than physical health, but all my new symptoms were scary when they first appeared.
2. It has made my bouts of increased anxiety bearable, because I prefer them to the depressed feeling! Silver lining?
3. Sometimes, when I "scan" for depression, the results come back "yes, I am feeling happy!". Of course, I don't remember that when I scan at other times :blush:
4. This is NOT clinical depression. Far from. Over-reading of posts about clinical depression are not doing me any favours. Coming on here for support has been so amazing for me (first post but LOOOOONG time reader), but reading too many posts about depression is causing me to dwell.
I am shaking after writing this, I think making small steps in moving against negative thoughts gives me such a rush of adrenaline. I hope it doesn't trigger anxiety, but strangely I think I will sleep more easy with comfy old anxiety than new and scary depression!
If you got this far, well done, and thank you for reading!
This contains mention of suicide, for those with triggers.
This is my first post and I know I should be over in the Intro thread, but I've been having a strange week and I really just wanted to jump right in.
I have GAD which manifests as Health Anxiety. I have lived with this since I was 18. I am turning 30 tomorrow. Eeek.
I have been through nearly every common Health Anxiety symptom. Started with heart palps/pulse checking/sitting up in the middle of the night thinking my heart had stopped. Over the years, I have switched between focussing on my heart, my stomach/digestion, various muscular pains, brain tumour fears and "brain fog" etc etc etc. You guys know the usual!
I am a body scanner, as most of us probably are. In moments when not completely distracted, I scan my body for my symptom of the day, to check whether it is occurring.
To get to my current issue - I have very recently had a week off work on stress leave. My job is quite stressful, I have a lot of managers giving me work without caring about my workload, and it got to the point where I became so tired and stressed at work that I burst into tears.
A lovely GP recommended that as work was causing me stress, I should take a week off. I'm not sure how constructive this week was, because it made me worry about how my bosses would react when I finally returned to work (FYI, they were very good about it).
One night, during this time off, I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep, when I suddenly thought "wouldn't it be so much easier not to have to deal with this anxiety anymore".
I became very upset, because I interpreted this as a suicidal thought, even though I in no way wanted to (nor do I currently want to) take my own life.
Soooo....for the rest of my week off....feelings of depression have become my new "symptom" to scan for. At least, that's the only way I can explain that I have suddenly started to experience feelings of depression and hopelessness when I am alone with my thoughts.
As I said, this happened about a week ago, and each time I have been in a quiet moment, I have thought "Okay, am I feeling depressed now?" and have become upset when I wasn't able to tell myself that I was deliriously happy in that moment (I'm an all or nothing girl, me!). So, just like a slight headache or dizziness becomes a brain tumour in the mind of a HA person, feelings of slight flatness or a lack of total happiness became "OMG I am clinically depressed and will commit suicide" in my mind.
Anyway, this has turned into a bit of a rambling mess, I really just wanted to get it out of my brain and written down. I'd also done some searching on the forum and couldn't find this exact issue, so I thought others might find this helpful.
Some things I have realised today that have helped:
1. This is my "symptom of the moment". Yes, it's scary because it is related to mental health rather than physical health, but all my new symptoms were scary when they first appeared.
2. It has made my bouts of increased anxiety bearable, because I prefer them to the depressed feeling! Silver lining?
3. Sometimes, when I "scan" for depression, the results come back "yes, I am feeling happy!". Of course, I don't remember that when I scan at other times :blush:
4. This is NOT clinical depression. Far from. Over-reading of posts about clinical depression are not doing me any favours. Coming on here for support has been so amazing for me (first post but LOOOOONG time reader), but reading too many posts about depression is causing me to dwell.
I am shaking after writing this, I think making small steps in moving against negative thoughts gives me such a rush of adrenaline. I hope it doesn't trigger anxiety, but strangely I think I will sleep more easy with comfy old anxiety than new and scary depression!
If you got this far, well done, and thank you for reading!