View Full Version : still anxious about women
I feel that women have set the bar too high for it to be impossible for some men like me to succeed. So in a way it is their fault. If the bar was set lower, I would not have problems like I am having! I just cant meet that level of standard to satisfy their level of expectations. Its not that I am a horrible person. There is kindness and other nice qualities I have but what I have is never enough. It is not as easy as just approaching a woman who you like the look of. There is so much effort it takes to 'be accepted', 'score', 'succeed', 'get laid' whatever you want to call it. It always feels like I (and men generally) am on the back foot.
I have suffered great anxiety over this for a long time and it has even made me ill. When you think about it, its not only cruel but it shows that inaction can be just as harmful as action.
nomorepanic
30-06-14, 15:06
Why are we having this discussion again?
We have already told you that you need to change your attitude towards and about women.
Nicola's right. You need to realise the answer lies with you.
Everything you need to gain that self awareness has been posted on your other thread, you need to re-read it.
No more panic admin is right.
It's understandable that you're frustrated, I hope you work it out.
You're talking about women like they owe you something for a start, women don't provide a service, they are people.
a) Love and relationships do not work to some kind of magic formula
b) As harsh as it sounds, there are two people's feelings within this scenario - not just yours... It takes two to tango, as the old saying goes.
I wish you luck, but the more you try to force these things, the less likely they are to happen.
MRS STRESS ED
30-06-14, 15:59
Chung piece of advice maybe your trying to hard and this could make you look desparate and trust me thats not attractive ,just relax it will happen when its meant too xx
Lets look at the points I made at the start of this thread. Because nobody is actually addressing any of those points but they are conveniently ignoring them.
you cant judge my whole character based on what i posted online on a forum. I am a real human being and it is misleading to think you can judge a person based on this. Every person has a horrible side to them and it is not fair to just focus on my faults and not realise that there could be another side.
The bar is set too high. Its too high for me and it is simply not fair to expect a disabled person, for example, to compete against non disabled people in a marathon. So the bar has to be set lower accordingly. That is not to say I should only be approaching ugly, mentally disabled women. Women set the bar not men. Men have to jump all the hurdles to meet that level. Obviously women can and do decide whether men succeed or not. Women are the ones who will judge me and then decide based on their standards whether i'm good enough. So the fact is, this is womens fault too. Which leads me to my last point which is that this situation has caused me anxiety. This is an anxiety forum so here I am. I am not here to be attacked. I am here due to my anxiety.
Chung, you are saying women set the bar too high for you but in your last thread, Oosh told you to find your level of women but you said "Dont patronise me and tell me I need to lower my standards." Maybe women aren't setting the bar too high for you, your just setting the bar too high for yourself? We aren't here to attack you, we're all only trying to help you. We're all here due to our anxiety and we all understand what each other is going through. Your obviously looking for help with women by posting these threads but when all these people here offer you brilliant advice you don't take it and think we're all attacking you. We all just want to help :)
sometimes people are not looking for help because they already know nobody can help them. Do you think all these people on here who post about a lump they've found or some other worry expect help? They know there is no help.
I dont get to set the bar though. Women do. So how can I be setting it too high? Why cant women lower it and give me a chance? There could be many reasons. Can you think of any?
nomorepanic
30-06-14, 18:25
You really don't know much about women and assume an awful lot to be honest.
Maybe you need to look at that side of things and not be so hostile when making fleeting statements about how ALL women are.
But there is help, chung. You're just not seeing it. All the lovely people on here are trying to help you. They're telling you ways that you can change your views and attitude towards women and help you when your trying to get/hold a womans attention. Your just refusing to change your beliefs about women.
The people who post about their worries are looking for help. They're looking for reassurance and other peoples experiences to help them get through whatever they're going through.
I think your setting the bar too high by aiming too high. Your not finding your level of women as Oosh suggested and your disappointing yourself when the type of woman who you go for, who isn't right for you, turns you down.
But Ooshs advice was not useful because I dont want to lower my standards. Nobody wants leftovers. Im not saying she has to be a supermodel but I have my preferences.
What you dont realise is that when men fight for a womans attention, many men will get rejected. Only one lucky guy gets to have fun. It is very tough.
My views and attitudes are not the problem. The problem is I simply cannot meet their expectations or yours. Its not that im turning your advice down its just not possible to do. Easier said than done. Whatever I do to fix my personality will still not be good enough. I know this because its based on my experience. Nobody can deny it, they havent experienced what i have.
---------- Post added at 18:45 ---------- Previous post was at 18:44 ----------
agadch, what is my level of woman? explain to me what that is.
Sunflower2
30-06-14, 19:15
I'm reading this book, it's called the Rosie project. It's fiction and actually about a similar situation to you, so although it's just a story, you might find it interesting. I definitely am!
MRS STRESS ED
30-06-14, 19:36
Chung why do you have to have a level of someone what about if you get on she bubbley nice to get on with and not quite to your level of standards are you going to say go away to them ,if you want advice here some lower your level because you have set it to high and stop the blame game men also set out to impress us so you no xx
Can understand you get rejected Chung everyone one does at som e point in their lives it's no big deal you need to calm down about it though this site is for anxiety not for you to go on some rant about women people on here will take offence
Yes chung, you have your preferences just as women do. You have standards - so do women. Your obviously not the women who you've been going for's standards and therefore not on their "level" so you need to find your level.
The exact same thing happens to women aswell, chung. Women get rejected by men too. Men have extremely high standards that some women can't reach. You said it yourself, NOBODY wants leftovers. Men don't want a woman they think is unattractive. It's not just women! Stop thinking women are the only ones with unreasonable standards. The first thing any man notices about a woman is looks. Most of the time, if a woman isn't attractive enough, the man won't approach her. You said "It is not as easy as just approaching a woman who you like the look of." Your saying you'll only approach a good looking woman. Therefore, you are just as bad as your claiming women to be. You're setting the bar too high for women. You think women have too high expectations for men, well men also have too high expectations for women. Stop blaming women and thinking women are the only bad person in this situation. Women and men are just as bad as each other.
I'm reading this book, it's called the Rosie project. It's fiction and actually about a similar situation to you, so although it's just a story, you might find it interesting. I definitely am!
I really want to read that - is it good?
Sunflower2
30-06-14, 21:07
Yeah, it's actually a lot that I (and possibly a lot here) could probably relate to as well haha! I bought it for a holiday read and turned out better than expected!
Catherine S
30-06-14, 21:17
But women can be disappointed too Chung, and scared of rejection. I know its a modern perception that women are bolder and make all the moves, but largely..its still the same as its always been. We can fancy a fella for ages and wait for him to make the move but if he's not interested he doesn't make that move and we're left feeling rejected too. Alot of women are still a bit old-school about relationships...we're not all into lap-dancing!
ISB
What about having women friends chung no pre ideas of where its going or what your going to get out of it just friends and before you know it your find a special friend you have feeling for whether she's a supermodel or not doesn't matter
Oh chung; i have tried so hard to stay out of this......
but your remark "Nobody wants leftovers" is unbelievably condescending!
Seriously, you need to chill out. All this angst is not helping you. if you have list of things this person needs to be .... you are narrowing the chances of meeting someone. You can't snap your fingers & expet this person to present themselves to you by order.
Live life and you may well meet somebody in a natural setting. very often, if you are quietly going about your business.... "The love of your life" or "your soul mate" appears and gradually you build something together. That is how it happened for me. Call me a late developer (my first serious relationship started when I was about 30) but I have never seen any point in desperately seeking my perfect partner.
You don't need to fight for a womans attention. be yourself, be natural. draw on the good qualities you have. If you are kind and considerate around people, then that kindness will be noticed believe me. it is endearing characteristics (as well as sexual chemistry) that draws people to each other.
Also, you are being so very presumptuous. For you to say (about women)
"The problem is I simply cannot meet their expectations or yours"
Wel.... In all honesty how do you know a woman's expectations? All women are different therefore each woman has different expectations. So you cannot second guess a woman's view. Believe me, chung, I am a woman and I know only too well!
Also, one if the key factors in people here helping each other is to listen to advice given by others.
You don't have to "swallow the pill whole" ........
But think on what they have said, don't just dismiss it out if hand.... If you continue to think "Its not that im turning your advice down its just not possible to do. Easier said than done" .... You are setting yourself up to fail.
T the very least, allow people's suggestions to remain in your mind and then,when in a situation that is giving you high anxiety, you can draw upon the advice. Put it to good use.
In other types of situations, people here have resolved difficult issues by dong just that. Realising it is possible to change. To see things differently, you can do this too.
For you to say "whatever I do to fix my personality will still not be good enough" is too defeatist.
You cannot just write everything off this way because if you do, indeed nothing will change.
You want to change. So start chipping away. Bit by bit.
I know this because its based on my experience. Nobody can deny it, they havent experienced what i have.
Initially, Chung, on reading your comments on this thread..... All I wanted to do was rip into you, but as you can see.... I have tried to be constructive. There are many women here who (me included) are willing to help you. Ultimately it is up to you.
I suggest .......
1. Try to take on board suggestions people are making here.
2. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is not nice to feel rejected or overlooked but that rejection doesn't mean you are faulty in some way. It perhaps just indicates you have not met the right person yet. It can happen in time. Meanwhile, ease off on any self-criticism.
3. Perhaps look into your past. Have you had any role models who did have a good balance when it came to finding partners who were a good match for them?
Well, I am hoping my post will be of some help. All the best to you.
Catherine S
30-06-14, 23:33
Despite my reply on this thread offering advice, I still think he is winding us all up...just a feeling. He can package it up any way he likes..I get the feeling he likes the reaction he gets. If he is a Troll then any reaction from us is feeding him :shrug:
ISB
ISB, I was thinking the same thing myself. I think all of us are just kind people who are nice enough to try and help him out anyway, even if he is a troll. There's no way of knowing whether he's doing it for the reaction or not :huh:
Despite my reply on this thread offering advice, I still think he is winding us all up...just a feeling. He can package it up any way he likes..I get the feeling he likes the reaction he gets. If he is a Troll then any reaction from us is feeding him :shrug:
ISB
everybody on here wants a reaction. Look at how all those people on here with health anxieties. What are they looking for? Its as if they know there is nothing wrong with them, they just want other people to tell them that.
The people on here have genuine worries and aren't looking to get a reaction out of other people or make other people waste their time giving them advice. I find it quite offensive that you think the people with health anxiety are just posting because they're looking for a reaction. They're looking for reassurance and to find people who are going through the same thing as them who can help them and offer them advice on what helped them and how they got through it. They genuinely think there is something serious wrong with them and if other people telling them there's nothing wrong with them helps them feel better then that's a great thing. I don't know why your on this website to be honest.
Catherine S
01-07-14, 00:42
You like the game Chung. You knew very well what I meant..people's reaction to some of the things you say amuses you. You know you have to open a thread with something controversial to keep the game going and you absolutely refuse to thank people for trying to help you because you are not in the least bit interested in any of us or what we have to say. You just like to wind people up and I reckon that's all you are on the forum to do.
ISB
And just reading a reply of yours on a thread about lymph node anxiety I stand by my comments above...you have probably made the poster feel more anxious by confirming her fears, thankfully Fishmanpa has jumped in to correct you on it. I suppose scaring people amuses you too?
Chung, people on this site help and support each other, they do have genuine worries. If you can't be considerate or understanding of other peoples problems, worries, feelings, then you shouldn't be on here.
everybody on here wants a reaction. Look at how all those people on here with health anxieties. What are they looking for? Its as if they know there is nothing wrong with them, they just want other people to tell them that.
We had our suspicions, but this comment confirms it. Troll :doh:
---------- Post added at 01:16 ---------- Previous post was at 01:14 ----------
Yeah, it's actually a lot that I (and possibly a lot here) could probably relate to as well haha! I bought it for a holiday read and turned out better than expected!
Yeah, I saw that it had tons of good reviews online, so added it to my Amazon wish list :) I shall go ahead and purchase it I think, although I am holding you responsible if I don't like it :roflmao: (joking of course).
It's called reassurance Chung people need it on here while I can reassure you your a bit of a d**k. Sorry buts how I feel
It's called reassurance Chung people need it on here while I can reassure you your a bit of a d**k. Sorry buts how I feel
Same here
venusbluejeans
01-07-14, 13:50
why are we having this debate again Chung???
you made your point in your last post and we ended up going in circles which is where this is heading.
your views are very sexist and they are ALWAYS going to cause controversy. the fact that you get replies against your views from both women and men says an awful lot.
I am still really not sure why we are going over this all again, you are clearly not going to get any replies you want on here.
Can you not lock / close the thread(s)?
I think it's pretty clear that he is only attempting to be antagonistic to cause an argument :lac:
venusbluejeans
01-07-14, 13:56
The Admin team are discussing it..
and no matter how we feel on here can we refrain from calling people names please!
Yes chung, you have your preferences just as women do. You have standards - so do women. Your obviously not the women who you've been going for's standards and therefore not on their "level" so you need to find your level.
The exact same thing happens to women aswell, chung. Women get rejected by men too. Men have extremely high standards that some women can't reach. You said it yourself, NOBODY wants leftovers. Men don't want a woman they think is unattractive. It's not just women! Stop thinking women are the only ones with unreasonable standards. The first thing any man notices about a woman is looks. Most of the time, if a woman isn't attractive enough, the man won't approach her. You said "It is not as easy as just approaching a woman who you like the look of." Your saying you'll only approach a good looking woman. Therefore, you are just as bad as your claiming women to be. You're setting the bar too high for women. You think women have too high expectations for men, well men also have too high expectations for women. Stop blaming women and thinking women are the only bad person in this situation. Women and men are just as bad as each other.
What you have pointed out is that both women and men want different things out of each other. But its not correct that we both share the same struggles. The struggles we face are different. Just because other men or women also struggle, does that make my struggle any less important?
Women have their tricks and ways of manipulation and being cunning. Of course men have to devise their own ways too to counteract. Just because not all women do it all the time doesnt invalidate this observation.Their are certain tendencies women and men can have. But if I feel that I have been outmaneuvered by women and that I am unable to outmaneuver them, I would naturally feel upset. I think we all know what games men and women play when it comes to the mating game. That is why people especially women on here are so defensive. They dont want to be portrayed as the wrongdoer. They want to maintain their advantages over men. This is what appears to be evident from the responses we are getting here.
The bottom line is this. Is the mating game fair? Clearly not. I happen to be one who hasnt done well in it, so naturally it would be a cause to complain.
And in addition it can and does make people ill. I am just pointing it out.
I am not wrong about this. We often hear that life itself is not fair. This is also true. Who deserves to get lymphoma? Is it the honest hard working person who gets up early in the morning to go to work, or is it the criminal who lives a dishonest life? Often it is the people who least deserve it that end up suffering a lot. Explain that to me..
venusbluejeans
01-07-14, 16:31
Closed for now...... going in circles yet again!
Ps Chung no one deserves to get lymphoma
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