nightmares

[ade]

i suffer the most extraordinary night terrors,vivid re-living of the sexual abuse i suffered as a boy,violent horrifying images,blood drenched children,the utter devastation of innocence.i wake up,throw up,and its as if they raped me 10 minutes ago not 30 yrs.i bleed.then i have to get to work,haunted and hunted.when the darkness closes in on me at the end of the working day,i start to shrink back to 4 yrs of age
and the simplest trigger then sends me reeling into desperate,defeated tears that
pour out with lines going through my head like"i want my mummy" "i want to go home"
really lonely stuff.i get home and im sick again (ive had colonoscopy,endoscopy and sigumoidoscopy and all was diagnosed as acute ptsd.) the grief in my heart is the size of a canyon.
so home to my beloveds and my baby saves me yet again.as she gulped her milk and her eyes struggled to stay open,i felt utter peace.more tears poured gently down my face and i watched her drift off into sleep.beautiful little babba,they all are.
people often acknowledge the anger,the fear,the bitterness that abuse tattoos on the inside of your head,but rarely mentions the heartbreak when you see innocence honoured and have to acknowledge that yours was destroyed.
kindness.gentleness.love.my beloveds save me.

[Lynnann]

Hi Ade,

I just wanted to say that your post touched me deeply, I understand how badly the night terrors and nightmares can be and I guess heartbroken is a good discription to use.

As a child I woud look at other children and their families and I just knew they were normal. The things that happened to me were because I was bad, it was my fault. It is only now that I realise the people that were supposed to protect me didn't.

When my children were small, I could look at their innocence and take great solace in the fact that I had preserved theirs.
I always knew that I was tainted, but I had managed to bury it. I did not think about it, I would not let myself. Sometimes I did not win the battle and the memories took over.

I can't say that I felt sorry for myself, it was more a sense of loss for what should have been. Heartbroken because the people that were supposed to love me had let me done so badly.

I am so very glad you have your baby to give you that sense of peace. You are a good person and a wonderful father and your child will grow up untainted and confident and loved. In years to come you will look at the adult you have raised and be so proud.

[myself]

ade

I cannot reply in the same dignified way as Lynnann has managed, but I can say that having read your post, you will make a very good father, I have four children of my own, nearly all grown up now, enjoy fatherhood, it is a pure blessing.
I hope that you find some comfort from the forum, as I have done.
take care
myself