ade
15-12-06, 14:53
i suffer the most extraordinary night terrors,vivid re-living of the sexual abuse i suffered as a boy,violent horrifying images,blood drenched children,the utter devastation of innocence.i wake up,throw up,and its as if they raped me 10 minutes ago not 30 yrs.i bleed.then i have to get to work,haunted and hunted.when the darkness closes in on me at the end of the working day,i start to shrink back to 4 yrs of age
and the simplest trigger then sends me reeling into desperate,defeated tears that
pour out with lines going through my head like"i want my mummy" "i want to go home"
really lonely stuff.i get home and im sick again (ive had colonoscopy,endoscopy and sigumoidoscopy and all was diagnosed as acute ptsd.) the grief in my heart is the size of a canyon.
so home to my beloveds and my baby saves me yet again.as she gulped her milk and her eyes struggled to stay open,i felt utter peace.more tears poured gently down my face and i watched her drift off into sleep.beautiful little babba,they all are.
people often acknowledge the anger,the fear,the bitterness that abuse tattoos on the inside of your head,but rarely mentions the heartbreak when you see innocence honoured and have to acknowledge that yours was destroyed.
kindness.gentleness.love.my beloveds save me.
and the simplest trigger then sends me reeling into desperate,defeated tears that
pour out with lines going through my head like"i want my mummy" "i want to go home"
really lonely stuff.i get home and im sick again (ive had colonoscopy,endoscopy and sigumoidoscopy and all was diagnosed as acute ptsd.) the grief in my heart is the size of a canyon.
so home to my beloveds and my baby saves me yet again.as she gulped her milk and her eyes struggled to stay open,i felt utter peace.more tears poured gently down my face and i watched her drift off into sleep.beautiful little babba,they all are.
people often acknowledge the anger,the fear,the bitterness that abuse tattoos on the inside of your head,but rarely mentions the heartbreak when you see innocence honoured and have to acknowledge that yours was destroyed.
kindness.gentleness.love.my beloveds save me.