Is this the final step to recover

[phil6]

Hi,
I really resisted posting here once again. I fear I repeat myself.
I am still struggling with my GAD and occasional panic attacks.
I have read so much and learned so much about anxiety, about how the body responds and how the mind reacts with it's worry and attempts to fix things. My distress is often worse when waking and this is usually when I feel my version of panic. The rest of the day may be filled with a lower level anxiety with associated rumination.
I do have good days when I can see the light and often have good resolve to accept and not try and rid myself of the anxiety when it returns. It all seems simple at these times.
The last few weeks have reminded me that I just need to stop being dragged back into the war in my head and today I really wanted to get on with this approach. I woke with high anxiety and went off to the gym feeling very uncomfortable. I have returned home and ate some lunch even without much of an apetite. Then the feeling escalates to a burning anxiety. I guess it's because I am determined not to despair that I am frightening myself with the thoughts that it is getting overwhelming. Then it hits hard. The change mentally is the fear that it is too hard and I cannot stick to my guns. My mind does get drawn into trying to change the feelings. It feels so hard to let it go. Then comes the urge to get onto the Internet and read something about acceptance or to this forum for encouragement and reassurance.
Why can't I just feel anxious and even panic and find the thoughts which allow me to stop worrying about it?
I have to find something that allows me to take this final step to not caring so much when I get this surge. I seem to lose my determination and crumble. Then the despair can kick in, with the I can't do this thoughts.
I am not going that far today, or not yet, but it's hanging on at the moment and when it passes I will be left in fear again.
I do everything, I don't avoid, although I often feel like I need to.
It just feels like I have to get through a spell like this once without it feeling so frightening for me to feel less frightened of this feeling of dread and so feel like I am recovering.

[xrachykinsx]

Hi phil,

Sorry to hear you're still struggling with the GAD and Panic. I think to some degree you have to STOP fighting it and not give up as such, but just come to a point where you think 'ahh..I feel like sh*t but what the hell, it's tough' and once you accept, your state of mind changes.

I 100% know how you feel. You talked me through and helped me with a lot of my issues when I was in the depth of it. I'm back at work now, and tapering down my medication as I felt I was becoming more depressed on my tablets and that was setting my anxiety off. I don't really care how I feel anymore- don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I think about it, but that's because it was a horrible part of my life that I will never forget. You can't forget these episodes and feelings, but you learn to overcome them in time and just accept that it's you, and then once you stop fretting over and over and willing the feelings to go, it becomes less and less prominent in your mind. Have you thought about volunteering or doing something to mop up your time? keeping busy has been the best treatment I've had.

[phil6]

Xrach,
Thanks for that.
Yes I do try and keep busy still and have now joined some walking groups.
However, when I have a good day I don't feel the need to try and fill all my time, and can enjoy my retirement. I don't want to frantically find things to as it just seems like trying to rid myself of anxiety again.
I think learning to allow myself to feel like it is the key.
Phil

[Humly]

Sorry to hear you are still struggling. You havent been here for a while and I was wondering if you were ok. The problem with us anxiety sufferers is that we are constantly asking ourselves "how am I feeling" and this goes on all day, every day and it is exhausting. I cannot really give you any advice as you know more than anyone about this and have a thorough understanding of whats happening and why. I think if it gets to the point where you start having more bad days than good then you should seriously think about some meds to help you. I know that you have tried and they didnt agree with you but it seems to have been going on for too long. Perhaps there is something out there that is suitable for you. And dont be afraid to have a good cry if you need to as that releases so much tension. Take care. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

[phil6]

Hi Humly,
Yes, I had a very nice day yesterday, and although I woke this morning with the same old churning stomach, I am trying not to react to it with the same old thinking, so hopefully I will have a good day later today.
I am convinced that I can do this without medication. I know it has helped many but I know that recovery can be achieved without using it. The problem I have with medication is my attitude. It always has side effects and so I know I will always be aware and reminded that I am not completely recovered whilst taking them. I also seem to react badly to them. I really don't want to go back down that road even if this takes a long time.
Some days. Like yesterday, my mind clears and I can see the light. The worries show themselves as imagination and I feel recovered. It's frustrating as the next morning feels hard again but sometimes I feel so close.

[Sunflower2]

Hi phil, I think I'm at the same stage as you some days are almost anxiety free and I can enjoy things just as I used to, but other days it's so hard to not listen to my thoughts. I think it's because the thoughts are so ingrained in my head that it feels unnatural not to listen to them all the time. For ages I didn't even question why they bothered me so much, because when you actually think why does this bother, it doesn't make sense! There's no logic to the anxiety and it just turns into a bad habit that your body reacts to a certain thought/s. I've got to keep reminding myself to break that cycle and I think that is the key to recovery. Simple, but not easy!

[phil6]

Hi Kimberley,
Yes agreed, it is all about thoughts. This morning I am thinking that I can't cope with this feeling again. My habitual reaction is to think and think and try and get out of this mood of dread. I am really unsure if it's anxiety or depression these days. The point is, it is a very strong emotion and it convinces me that it is significant and important. I struggle to remember to treat is as just a feeling. It makes me feel afraid of it as it makes me feel very tearful and I then worry about feeling like this when I am out socially, or on holiday etc.
It's finding my way to just go with it until it passes. Every book or resource I read tells me to not believe my thoughts, separate from the emotion and thinking and just observe it and allow it to run it's course. When I am feeling OK it's what I tell other sufferers to do and allow their sensitisation to heal. I suppose I am doing all I can and stop trying so hard.
I don't really want to try meds again, it was not a good experience when I tried in the past and I am happier when I have a good day in the knowledge that I am free of all that extra worry.

[Sunflower2]

Anxiety and depression can overlap so much one just makes the other one worse. When I feel low I get very anxious much easier, and when I'm anxious I then in turn feel low. I agree it can feel so overwhelming and it can feel like you're always going feel the way you are.
I'm trying to accept myself that I get wobbly patches here and there, but as long as I don't dwell on them or start acting in my old ways then they do pass. It does feel quite disconcerting to think, oh goodness I felt so awful then what if I feel awful again! I think you know yourself what you should be doing, it's just hard to follow through with your own advice sometimes!
I'm also med free, I've considered them but as I'm fairly functional the majority of the time I feel they might initially set me back a bit. It's up to you whether you want to fight it out alone without a crutch, or try them again. What bad experience did you have?