View Full Version : Doing it By the Spoonful
As I've mentioned, I have had problems with anxiety and panic since 1999. During all this time it's come in waves, hitting and missing me over the years. What I wanted to mention was something Dr. Jellybean (no disrespect intended, it's just what I call him) said a few weeks ago.
I was going on about how my social anxiety was hitting me every time I left the house for extended periods. When he suggested about taking my adventures out in smaller doses. I let the words soak in my hard head, then I finally started putting them into practice. So far the results have been pretty good.
I guess my point here is to say, while I still struggle with putting some "normalcy" into my life. Doing things in small doses has worked for me, and maybe, it can work for you also. As an added note usually my wife is with me, so... take from that what you will.
ChrisScotland
05-07-14, 00:47
This is true - staying within your comfort zone until you're ready to push on a bit further helps, you don't want to be jumping in at the deep end and make yourself feel worse through failing to control your anxiety.Small steps are the way to go, you know when to push yourself and when to take it easy.
It's nice to get advice and help, but never let anyone dictate how you should be going about your recovery, you know best.
Just as an update to pushing the boundaries, I got an email to apply for a position at a major phone carrier. I completed the application and frankly thought nothing more of it, thinking I'd never get an offer.
Well I was surprised when I got an email back from the business wanting to interview me. The point I want to bring up is this, I got very uncomfortable a few days before the interview. But I worked through it and had a good first interview and will have a second this Friday.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes a little nudge is all it takes to get you back to life. Even if nothing comes of this interview, at lest it gives me more security and confidence to try again.
Well I'm sitting here waiting for my next interview with the actual hiring manager. The only thing I can thing of is how I'm I going to move my truck while the interview is taking place and my landlord decides today is the day to mow grass, OGH!
Other than that my stress level is okay. It is funny (ironic) that I have become so sensitive to stress. That even small levels of stress now effect me. Maybe I just need to work on handling low levels of stress. But the $64,000 question is, how do you do that, any suggestions?
My advice would be to go out and just see how far you get with a challenge. Don't pressurize yourself to stay until a certain time or point, just see how it goes and view everything you achieve (no matter how small) as a success. My biggest flaw is i am too hard on myself if i'm not able to achieve things i would like to have been able to do. Because i am too wrapped up in everything i haven't been able to do yet i forget about all the amazing things i have achieved and how much progress i have made in other areas. Hope this helps.
Koala
I really appreciate the good words and I believe I should challenge myself more. At the moment I am really stressing out, I can only assume from the great job offer I received this week. Although, nothings set in stone I was told I'd receive an answer in three to five days.
Ever since that last meeting I have been a mess. I nearly forgot my wife and son's birthday and could barely get through a simple class assignment. My fear is the pressure doesn't just affect my mind it shoots my blood pressure through the roof for prolonged periods of time as I try and calm down.
What control I ever feel I gain over my situation, this anxiety and stress find new ways to enter in. To the point to where I wonder if I'll ever gain control of it?
I was having a couple of rough days with stress and anxiety (for no real good reason). But I've been reminding myself that there is no need to focus on situations which haven't occurred (which is what I'm doing). It amazes me that I allow myself to go on these stressful journeys of "what if's". All I can do is remind myself if the pointlessness of this worry. To keep myself in the moment and the focus n the present.
Maybe this is the wrong thing to say, but sometimes you have to let go. I sent the day stressing and working on a class project that was due today. After 9 hours of writing and rewriting, then figuring (there's Math involved) then answering the phone and answering the door. I put my hands up and let go. I sent a note to my teacher then did a half-hour of good mediation.
Like I said, I maybe wrong, but after fighting and fighting to make sense of the assignment and all the distractions I felt it was time to simply shut it down. And to be honest, I really don't feel guilty doing it, which is also great. Hopefully, I can get up tomorrow with a clearer understanding of the work, turn my phone off and get some work done.
Well I puckered up and got the job done, but not without some more and drama. Anyway, that was a few hours ago and I've had time to get caught up and ready for tomorrow.
I guess the big thing I can pull from all this is, even when major pressures on with a little patients with myself I can get things done. Which is funny, because for the last number of years I've been setting and meeting goals for myself. Yet there are times when I seem to forget those moments and let the "what if's" control my mind.
Just as an update to pushing the boundaries, I got an email to apply for a position at a major phone carrier. I completed the application and frankly thought nothing more of it, thinking I'd never get an offer.
Well I was surprised when I got an email back from the business wanting to interview me. The point I want to bring up is this, I got very uncomfortable a few days before the interview. But I worked through it and had a good first interview and will have a second this Friday.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes a little nudge is all it takes to get you back to life. Even if nothing comes of this interview, at lest it gives me more security and confidence to try again.
Such a great way of looking at it! Despite everything you are going through, you have a lot of positivity, and that has to be good in terms of your recovery.
I have really severe social anxiety at the mo, but went for a short walk and into a shop WITHOUT self-service and where I had to speak to someone today, so feeling pretty pleased with myself! Small steps like you say.
applec
It did me some real good to know that small steps are helping you to. Over the past few days I've really had to fight the anxiety. But after 14/15 years of battling this, I feel some real victories in my life. But don't forgot your small victories either.
Whether I remember or not, I have fought and earned two college degrees while having panic disorder. Now I'm working (hard) on my Masters degree in technology management. So while I can say panic and anxiety have a hold, I can also say they haven't won either.
Maybe I'm too smart or just too damn stupid to give-up. Either way, maybe it's just that I'm tried of being tried that makes me keep fighting.
Best to you apple
It's been a really busy few weeks, school has really been taking out of me. But to my surprise, the struggling has paid off. Today I seem to be able to hit the books with a renewed focus which has been nice. I can only pray that I keep up this momentum for the next two weeks of class.
Really appreciate your kindness and support fduop. You have achieved so much, despite your struggles, and not let social anxiety stop you.
ac
I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.
But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.
The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.
Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.
ac
I tell you what, it's working to stop me today. Yesterday I was doing pretty well, then I got an email from my school of all places wanting to do a story about my struggles and how I've been working through them. At first I was flattered that they thought my story would help others.
But since then my anxiety has been through the roof. I mean nothing has been put to paper yet and I'm stressing that my "dirty little secret" is out for the world to see. It's stressed me so that I didn't sleep well at all last night and today my chest feels like I got a boulder sitting on it.
The more I tell myself this is silly, the more stressed and lightheaded I get. At the moment all I can think of doing is push on and not run. To stand firm and not allow this thought to steal my day. I am better than this and I will bet this. I am so tried of running every time that specter of fear decides to come, I am better than this.
Sorry to vent all over you ac, I just had to get that out. One of the best ways to defeat a unwarranted fear is to stand against it. It may not leave that second, but at least I can make it as uncomfortable as I am.
Wish I could help. You shouldn't feel that you need to do that story for your school. That is HUGE, even for someone without anxiety. You're really brave to even consider it. Maybe at a later stage, when you are feeling stronger perhaps?
No way is it a dirty secret though. So many people feel this way. We mustn't feel ashamed.
Hope there was something good about your day. I keep a 5 nice things diary - force myself to write in it every day. Even on really bad days, there is usually something that you can look back on with pleasure, even if it's just eating something nice.
ac
You're right about that, if you can't find a little good everyday, what's the point of getting up. But to let you know, after some meditation and writing my last post and jotting down some thoughts in my journal, I'm feeling better. Tried, but better.
I had a conversation with a "normal" friend of mine earlier, and I was trying to explain how those stressed out moments can really take the wind out of you. Even after you start feeling better. But I feel better about allowing them to do a story on me. I mean, it's not like I don't do that already in a blog I do.
But ac, I do appreciate the advice, if I don't hear from you over the weekend, you have a pleasant weekend and I'll see what ten good things I can list.
Well this has been one stressed out weekend. 90% of my stress comes from class while the other 10% is just the world. I more than realise that it's all "what if's" that are doing this to me. Still it doesn't make living with the pressure any better. In fact it is so exhausting that even when I'm over the stress, it still takes me days to get over it.
But I'm doing all that I can to survive the day. I'm exhausted, but still kicking. It's a bit ironic that here I'm with all this crap floating around in my head that causes me panic and anxiety. Yet here I am wanting to fight this and bet this stuff. At times it feels like I'm two different people one fighting and one giving in.
I hope no one minds me making this my sounding board for my anxiety. But after posting, I usually feel a bit better and more in control. I just finished my course work for this week and now I'm preparing my mind for this final week of class.
This week includes a final exam, discussion post, a team product, an individual project, and a quiz. Yeah I know, it's a full plate. But as I posted the last time, I'm simply going to do the best that I can. Spoke for a moment with my instructor via email, and she simple said do you best my good grades so far will carry a lot of weight toward my total grade.
I guess what I telling myself is, do what you can, and let the "what if's" fall where they may.
After posting yesterday I feel a bunch better. The stress really lightened up, but if you were to ask me how, I simply couldn't tell you. It was either the scheduled meds or just being so mentally/physically exhausted.
Today I'm cautiously optimistic I got a therapist appointment out of town. My problem is when I go to my therapist I'm so stressed by the time I get there. I say anything just get out and head home. Today I'm hoping to chill and let her know what's been going down.
Well wish me luck on my journey this is a long trip for me. And I worry that I get light-headed, but I have to realize that it's the panic attacking my fears.
Today was pretty rough, I took my final exam for the class and didn't do well, which is par for the course. The pressure continued for a while after class, then I took a short trip that eased the pressure some. So a while later my wife and I took a short trip out of town to get a milkshake, which did the trick in easing my mind.
Other than that, I have only two more final assignments t do by Monday and this nightmare series of finance courses are over and I can once again concentrate on my course of study systems technology.
But I am learning through this I can do a lot more than I thought. That putting myself out there is rough, but I can do it. I just wish the lesson wasn't so painful.
Well for a weekend I doing pretty good. Got most of the work done for my end of course, with just half a paper left to complete. So my stress has eased.
Another thing that has help ease my stress has been a loving book I picked up by a Buddhist monk. As I've said before, out of all the things I tried to help me ease my stress, mediation has worked the best. So this book simply reinforces the idea of living in the moment and remembering the past is the past and that the future hasn't been written.
So for now I'm going to take a cool shower (it's a bit hot here in the South), find a quiet spot and focus on my breathing, then read. Good night.
I guess I should say first, that the course is over. I completed the last assignment yesterday and while I've lost some points due to my poor Math skills, I should do okay. I guess the point that should be made is that I'm getting through it.
For whatever reason, even with the many victories I've had. When a crisis comes up, I still end up going through all the pressure and discomfort of the anxiety all over again. Even reminding myself doesn't seem to work, but thankfully, I make, maybe not as well as I would like, but I make it.
Guess all I can do is remind myself I have a lot of work to go, and that even with the pressure that I can feel, seeing the end of the road isn't the end, but the beginning.
JoeGomez17
11-08-14, 18:44
Very good advice here. I suffer from health anxiety and my girlfriend from social or general anxiety. I will give her the advice you mentioned.
Glad I can help JoeG, even though my last few post have been fairly positive. Beginning last night I've my old buddy fear & anxiety creeping up again. Had a rough night of sleep last night and ever since I logged off from class, I've mighty anxious.
It's just one of those things you gotta work on everyday. One day you're doing pretty good, then the next, those old feels come by, like a troublemaker you really don't want to see. But you know, telling my imperfect story on this forum is just one of the tools I have to overcome this illness.
So remember no matter how many positive things you read. You gotta always be aware that anxiety and fear are always with us. It's part of being human. But to allow them to overrun your life is quite another situation. So rather through therapy, or medication, or mindfulness, or all three, get the help you need. You don't have to face this alone.
Just as an open idea I'm wondering if the stress I'm feeling today has something to do with the tragic death of Robin Williams. It's not that I knew him although I was a fan. I think the point was that he used humor as a cover for the depression and low self-esteem he may have felt.
Again, I don't claim to have any inside information, but in my own life I've used humor as an acceptance and defensive tool. So when you see someone whom you feel a kindred spirit to, I guess it affected me in some uncomfortable ways.
Happily I do feel better after some meditation and soul searching. But I felt that by writing this down I'm giving myself some extra release. It is tragic to see someone who you feel was finally winning, find themselves lost.
I guess the thing that can remind myself about is that by being open and keeping a line of communication at hand when I'm down. That I can keep up the good fight and remember that I am worth fighting for.
Had a little trouble with my stress today, but I spent a little while meditating this afternoon. So that and doing some blogging has got me feeling better.
While I can have a number of good days in a row. My mind can dwell on this bad days when the anxiety is up. It's ironic how the anxiety can be such a drain on you, while you can go for days feeling well and never think twice about them.
But I'm trying to accept the fact that fear is a part of me. That by embracing that part of myself, I'm saying to myself it's alright not to be perfect.
Once again, it's not been a good day. It started last night with not sleeping too well, then as the morning progressed I just haven't well. Which with my hyper-sensitivity to anything physical only makes anything I feel worse.
But I've cleared my calendar for the day and have tried to simply breathe and relax. It's worked some, so I'll simply mark the day as done. Because on too many occasions I've gotten up the next day feeling fine.
Maybe that's the crazy of all this to me. One day doing really well, the next barely getting by. But way down deep, I still got some fight left. I still realize I cannot and will not be defeated. I know it's insane, but these two sides of me battle pretty much everyday.
If anyone has some thoughts on this , I'm more than willing to hear it.
Well the weekend is here and I have a little fear my weekend problem will show up yet again. If you don't know, for whatever reason weekends tend to mess with me. Rather it's done to lack of routine or what, I just have trouble with Saturday & Sunday. Another thing going on is, down here in Southern Georgia USA, it's as hot as it's been in 2 years with temps over 100 F.
But with that bad news out of the way, I now have it set-up where I only have 4 courses left to finishing my graduate studies. Which means I should finish school in February of 2015. My problem for a year now has been losing the "fire" for attending school. But I couldn't see myself quitting with being so close to finishing. But additional classes I was assigned were a concentration in my degree field, which I haven't really used. So I shorten my program to an MBA which was a logical step, so I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel and take additional courses to finish.
So as I sign out to complete some homework before I melt into my laptop or vice versa, let me just say. In my situation, looking into what drives my fears, anxiety, & panic has been a great first step into learning not only who I am, but what I can be. To hopefully at some point being able to release myself from these burdens of feeling unworthy even of my own love.
First off I want to thank the individuals that operate this site. I'm sure you hear this a lot, but you have been a Godsend to me as a place where I can be free to post my up's and down's with other's who know first hand what we all live with.
That said, it appears I'm riding a good wave this week. But in a way my "mind" doesn't want to jinx it by saying anything. As much as I want to stay positive you always have that little seed in the back of your mind going, "hold on, the other shoes going to drop any minute." Well, there I said it, I've tempted fate.
But actually what I'm believing is the more I study and grasp the content of mindfulness and being in the moment. That I am realizing those seeds of fear and anxiety that live in my mind can be comforted and loved. Because they are not the enemy they are me. I realize a lot of what I'm saying sounds so...grapenut eating, be one with nature, stop wearing deodorant...circa 1969, that it's hard to take serious. But it works for me.
A book I have been reading on the subject is titled Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. Of everything I've read about mindfulness, the present moment, and anxiety. For me this one has really given me comfort and direction. I enjoy the way Hanh explains things and enjoy the stories and metaphors he uses. I recommend giving it a read.
Other than that, I have some class work to do and I'm looking forward to our little heat wave lighting up a bit the next few days. Hope each of you find peace and have a great Sunday.
Deanosbeano
24-08-14, 18:12
Hi Fduop,,
You sum it up well and the bit about they are not the enemy they are me is a great way to look at it , just reading it gave me one more little tool to calm my own personal anxieties :) , so thanks for that and hope you have a peacefull Sunday too
Cheers
Deano
Thank-you, for the encouraging words. At times when writing here or on my blog, I often wonder if there is anyone out there. While the words I write are meant mostly as an outlet for myself, it's still nice to know an experience or thought I had can help others. So thanks.
To continue on the thought of being my own worst enemy, for so long I used medication and therapy to block out or mask my internal struggle. When all along opening those thoughts or seeds to the surface was my true relief.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not as simple as it sounds and it requires work and struggle on your part. Still for me, the whole idea of mindfulness and being in the present has really helped me face my doubts and fears that are rooted in my past and future. By looking at my fear and anxieties as seeds buried in my mind, through mindfulness, I am able to address, love, and comfort those past thoughts.
I'm still quite the novice at this and as you read my posts, everyday's not "wine and roses" for me. Still much like mindfulness, I take it one day at a time.
Deanosbeano
25-08-14, 16:27
Hey Fduop,
No worries :),
I owe a lot of my own success over the past 6 days to this forum and people like yourself , whilst i knew from the first moment this was a battle for me and my own Psychi to ultimately win ,I dont think I could create a strong enough me to fight it without the little pieces of reassurance i have gleened from reading this site and the comforting words of the people within :).
Back to work tomorrow after a week of some very strange and new experiences , that will be the ultimate test i reckon but i have been volunteering during my week off just so i could be around people and be working and fighting off those little trigger sensations .
If i succeed it will be because of words from people like yourself
So cheers and keep it up and i hope the fact you know your helping others allows you to feel great too ;)
cheers
Thank-you Deano
It's very nice to hear a kind word, sometimes in life it's those small words that make someones whole day. I've noticed when I take a moment to be kind or have a nice word with someone, it usually comes back in a good way. I guess it all goes back to the lessons I learned from my grandmother. She would have all these amazing "one-liners" or "old wives tales" she'd say. One of those being, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", which I'm sure we've all heard. But it's a truth that goes along way towards how we should treat others. When tying all this together with our anxiety, even as we suffer, we should try and be mindful of others. Because, you never know when you may depend on the help of that person.
As I close my thoughts here, for the last few days I've done okay. The weather has been nice, it's 90 F and with a low dew point it feels 90, not 106 F. Still my health hypersensitivity has really been working on me. I just have to remind it that, life and death are all the same and that fearing either one makes you no extra points. Also remember, during your busy day to take time to notice your steps and to be aware.
Well as I predicted I had to call first responders to my house this morning. While working my class project, I got pretty light-headed and disoriented, so I panicked. Thankfully, after the paramedics checked my vitals everything was within, let's say okay levels. They got ahold of my doctor who advised I relax and lighten up on the computer for a day or so, and if nothing else happens, see him in the morning.
More than anything when the paramedics read off my vitals their comments really assured me I was doing pretty well. It appears I may have an inner ear infection, yet again.
I guess the reason I'm not listening to my dr now is to jot down the thoughts while they are still fresh. Maybe the lessons in this are, one don't be afraid to get checked. The situation with us with panic disorder is the wondering, is it all panic or something more. Next was the idea that even if you (me) feel okay for a while, we still need to be aware of what we live with, and to not allow it to sentence us to a half-lived life.
Maybe this is the most important thing I can take from these "bumps" in the road. That allowing my mind to obsess with it, means allowing panic the victory over me.
Deanosbeano
27-08-14, 18:52
Damn those setbacks heh :)
Had a couple of near misses myself today , Drs tomorrow for Blood results and get the ok to try some Herbal meds before full blown Pharmacutical versions :) , Just had a 1 hour Aromatherapy massage from the students in the Beauticians college , cheap as chips but thrice as nice , nothing make me feel better than a good massage and now i have ordered a little luxury hamper ( similar to Dean and Deluca in US) , tomorrrow i will goto my fave little plac in the country and sit there and eat it and debate these little demons lol.
Basically i tackle this thing with smiles at the moment , little treats that cost little money , i am determined that beatijng this thing will not lead to beating it but to a new way of lving in a positive manner :).
It's amazing how when you start to feel better the other shoe is just dieing to drop. Let me back up for a minute to explain, for the past week or so (other than yesterday) I've felt pretty good about stepping out some more and heading back to work. The problem is when I speak to the people who are offering me work, the panic machine kicks into full gear.
It has happened yet again today, after just sending an email to the potential employer, without any commitment, here it goes panic city. If it sounds like I'm a bit mad, I guess I am. Mad with me, mad at panic, just mad. But what can I do? I guess all I can do is fight the good fight one day at a time.
Deano, I don't mean to rain on your good feeling, I just got to vent. But I'm glad to see you have some things that work for you. I'm just sitting here waiting for tomorrow, which in a way is sad. Because no matter my state of mind, I hate to waste time. Which may be part of the problem itself when thinking about the moment and mindfulness.
Deanosbeano
28-08-14, 19:25
Hey fduop
I love the rain so rain anytime on my parade :),
Work and e-mails are probably the single biggest cause of my own troubles , especially 10 mins before end of the week when everyone sends there crappy backheel e-mails , these people dont realise although they have got rid of there own responsibilities until monday , they have made someone else shoulder it until monday :).
they also dont realise i learned not to read e-mails 20 minutes before the last shift of the week lol ;).
After allowing myself to vent, I then spoke to myself about allowing me get out there again. Part of what I thought was the solution, which is only a band aid to be honest, was walling myself in. (I'm sure no one here knows about that) But to continue the healing process the wall will have to be opened. Which I guess is the part that frightens the child within me the most.
But realistically it's something that's going to have to happen at some point of the healing, for me to open up and be me again. Today I went and got a haircut which puts me in a social situation (all be it a comfortable one, due to a long friendship with the stylist). Being with them put me at ease and actually got me to enjoying myself. So now I am thinking, usually we stay in most of the time, but now I'm thinking about taking the wife out for a little while. She deserves a little time out considering she lives with an agoraphobic like me.
I guess the point here is living with up's and down's. So in this life all we can do is work to make the up's out number the down's as we make our way through this jouney.
While my wife and I had a pretty good time going out Friday, on the way back and for the last two days, I've been just worn out. More than anything the heat has got me beat. I have an assignment to finish Monday evening, but I can't get my mind into it. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, so maybe it's an ear infection again.
Other than that, I feel alright mentally just headaches and poor balance. I think I'll resign myself to doing a little reading and breathing positive thoughts.
For everyone that follows my crazy, I hope in some way what I post relates and helps you all. With that said, last night I slept pretty well and this morning I got up with 4 assignments that I need to complete by tonight. As you know this weekend I have been out of it both mentally and physically, but this not the first or last time I've put things off till the last minute.
Good news though, I have finished 3 of the 4 assignments, but the last one is the biggest. But this isn't my "first rodeo" and most of the research is done, it's just a matter of putting it together and delivering to my instructor.
As a final thought, the title of this series of posts is doing it by the spoonful, which is the way I take each day. Because a while back, I would have panicked over getting all this work done. Now through my renewed efforts to center and focus myself, I will not tempt fate by saying I found the golden egg (answer to my problems). What I will say is practicing mindfulness has helped me lately more than most other therapies.
Over the last day or so, any positive thoughts I was having feel distant. I'm hoping that this setback is more a physical thing than anything else, but you never know. I'm going through some interesting mood swings where I'm having some real "bury my head in the sand" kind of days. Then I'll come out of it and have some real productive days.
These problems that I go through work in funny (ironic) ways, like once I overcome one thing. It seems panic and anxiety plan to fight me in another. That once I overcome one area of fear, another one pops it's ugly little head up, like a batch of weeds in an otherwise pretty garden of flowers. (Of all things, I've never thought of myself as a "pretty" garden of anything.)
Still, I've learned or trying to learn that most of the emotional damage within myself can be repaired through embracing the child within. Then telling that child it's okay, you don't have to fear anymore. I guess I just have to learn to believe it and to trust myself.
It's been just a couple of days since I last posted. During that time it's been a bit busy with running around with doctor appointments and errands. Other than that it's been quite hot and that has my mind obsessing. But other than one hiccup today with my daughter borrowing my truck, it feels less humid and cooler.
So I guess the theme of this post is take and cherise to good days when they come. This morning when doing class assignments my thoughts were clear and focused. When dealing with life's daily issues, I was calm and collected. Making the day so far a nice one.
I guess the last thing I can say is, be mindful of good days, and don't question them. Or allow your mind ask when is the other shoe going to drop. Take the day for what it is, just a good day.
It's kinda funny how you can get up feeling really bad (physically more than mentally) but during the day you end up feeling much better. That pretty much sums up my day. Got up feeling ill, and can't get back to sleep. Forced myself to eat breakfast and take my med's, along with something for my aching head and back.
I finally noded back to sleep and woke up feeling much better. I guess if I had the put a lesson on the day it would be, "each day you never know what you're going to get." "So no matter how bad it feels or looks, try and struggle through, you may end up having a good day after all."
In keeping with the theme of ironic (kinda funny), I received an email from a job recruiter a few days ago about a sales opportunity with their business. Earlier today that rep called me to discuss the job.
During our conversation, which was very relaxed, I noticed my heart rate increasing at the old familiar signs of panic showing up yet again. First my mind tells myself, "hey, nothing written in stone, you're just talking." But for whatever reason yet again, I retreat into those habits of fear and anxiety. Again, when I find myself being lazy and not doing my meditating or inner viewing, I shouldn't be surprised that old habits come back.
I suppose the thing I need to realize is that there still is much I have to do to get back to a good place. You may notice that I didn't say where I had been, that's because I believe I've had thinking and believing wrong for a very long time. So I have to keep in mind I've been this way a long time and it may take me a while to correct the problem.
Among the many things I've discovered about myself over these last several years is the fact that my anxiety finds new ways to fight me each and everyday. I know that sounds a bit like I'm fighting something outside myself. But in a way, it's the best way I can describe the things going on within me.
Recently, while most of the country has either had rain and cooler temperatures, here in our little corner it's still hot and humid. So my mind is using that as an excuse to hide and complain in my dark room. While I know in my heart, I'd be much better off in the outside world.
But at the moment that's the way it is, I do have appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist. I guess my biggest problem at the moment is building enough motivation to get the things I need to do, done. You see, at the moment I have only 3 more courses left till I finish my graduate studies. But finding the drive to get through these courses has been draining. I just can't get excited?
So for now I'll do my best to get through my current course and hope the next one generates a little more "desire". I mean I realize that life isn't always one adventure after the next, but there has to be some passion somewhere, right? Anyway, I'll close by saying be in the moment and find your drive.
It's been a few days since I posted to be honest sometime life gets get in your way and you just don't have anything to get off your chest. So I guess you can say that's how is been for me. Other than procrastinating my last few assignments for this class, I felt pretty good these last few days.
Sadly this week looks to not be much better, all I seem to focus on is when will this course end, and when will my classes finally be over. You know the course itself is interesting, it's Marketing, which I've never done before. Usually I'm pretty much gung ho about learning new stuff, I guess my new stuff cup is fairly full right now.
All I can say is, during my schooling I've only given up this go around a few times. But with every failure I've managed to pick myself up. So today instead of hiding my head under the covers to rest. I think I'll put this puppy into overdrive and get this stuff done.
If I've learned anything it's that a lot of the time you have pick yourself up in order to make it. But this has only happened through my many trial and errors.
Last night after this happened I thought I'd post a remark about the experience, if for nothing else but prove to myself I'm on a good path. As I wrote earlier this is finals week for my current class. Which means all hell breaks loose this week as far as turning in projects and taking test. That in itself stresses me to no end. But then on my distant learning team project no one appeared to step up to lead or tie together the assignment. Needless to say, the one person on the team who hasn't worked as a lead, still has no balls to step-up.
God it felt good to say that, anyway yesterday after spending 12+ hours building charts and running figures for my part. I went to sleep, but I didn't feel right (oh, yes. That again.) Anyway, I decided to read a portion of the book I read on fear by the buddhist monk I talked about earlier. He through his words reminded of something I now find profound.
He spoke of stress and fear being a strong wind and us being a tree in that wind. And to realize that during the storm as the wind bends the branches and twists the leaves, the trunk remains stable and strong. So by breathing deeply from the belly, we are concentrating on the trunk of our tree till the storm passes.
So I did that at 1:30 am and continued till my storm passed and fell back to sleep. In addition to that, I got some clarity of mind and told the group, I'd led and put the paper together. So instead of depending on others, I have the control to see the work done n my schedule.
If I must put a moral to this it would be, as the stress blows around us find your center, your foundation, and focus there, till the winds stop blowing.
Well it's late Sunday afternoon here, I just got back from shopping which I really hate doing, I think you know why. Anyway, when I got back home one of my kids my oldest daughter is having one of her "I can't take it anymore fits". It's ironic, you would think of all the people in the world that could understand her panicky situation, it would be me.
I guess the thing is, I'm not nearly as emotional with my panic, I guess it's all self-contained. Which I would guess makes her loud fits a good thing because she's getting it all out. I guess the real problem comes when she put my wife in a tizzy. Which puts the whole house in a tizzy.
Over the years I found that simply letting her be works best. It's just that you would think she know I really get it. One of the things I've learned in my situation is how to adjust. Another thing is, having a house full of people that depend on you while you're ill forces you to push through the problem.
Maybe that's one of the blessing I've had, in that with a wife and children depending on me, it forced a drive where in another life situation I wouldn't have such drive. But at some point she'll pop out of the room feeling better. And, I'll be right here to be her rock.
Hey everyone, it's Thursday afternoon here and I had an interesting thing happen this week. I got another job offer from a business wanting me to represent them in our area. They saw my profile on a business site and were impressed with my past work history. Fortunately for me, they didn't wonder how I've doing recently. But I have studied the product this week and I haven't felt the anxiety I've felt recently about going back to work.
I'm taking this as a good sign, maybe the work I've been doing to improve my condition is paying off. But just as the title of these posts, doing it by the spoonful, I'll do my best But I fail I'll do my best not to let it discourage me too much, then I'll just lick my wounds and try again. It's all any of us can do.
At the risk of repeating myself (like that doesn't happen everyday), I wanting to bring up motivation and breaking the bonds of anxiety and panic. Far be it from me to say I have the formula for breaking this illness most all of us have. Lord knows, all I can say is these are things and conditions that are in my life that I do.
First I have drivers that along with therapy and meds help me to function. Those drivers are my family that depend on me. It's ironic that one of these things that fueled the initial panic (doing for my family) is also a driver that forces me to function. Mind you they were not the only thing that fueled it, just a small part. Also, helping crawl back out is the therapy and my own meditative practices. Lastly, finally getting a good combination of meds that now work to calm the imbalances that are part of the whole picture. Mind you is not the whole answer, because if it was I'd be cured right? They are a part of what I'm working on to build the foundation function.
If I could say there was one thing all this "drama" has taught me. I'd say it has made me more self-aware of myself, who I am, and what place I have in life. So many "normal" people just live to live. Wandering aimlessly through life from one stage to the next, see what I'm saying, without having a grasp of the big picture. In other words you put one of them in our situation and how would they fare? Would they adapt and overcome or would they fall apart?
These are thoughts that sometimes run through my mind when thinking of people I know, that have no clue of my inner struggles. It allows me to speak to you honestly because of our kindredship of panic. So to wrap up these lines of pointless chatter, I will say that you make progress by simply moving into a different direction than the one you are in. So keep trying and failing and trying again. It's all we can ever do.
Well it's been a few days since I last posted, over the weekend I felt a bit out-of-it you can say. The only problem this week has been running out of meds yesterday. But my pharmacist is letting my get some to hold me down till payday. Still, I went through a weekend of just being tired and unconcerned with class. Sometimes it feels like complacency is bogging me down. I need some newness in my life.
It's kinda funny how someone with panic and anxiety can crave something different, but here I am. It's good to say these things, it allows our insides to express themselves. I will say that while I crave something new, at the same time I'm a bit cautious about change. I know it sounds like I'm pitting two sides against each other, but I'm just being honest about how I feel.
It's been awhile since I posted, nothing major is going on, just been keeping to myself. I go through moments like that, where I don't have anything really upfront I need to get out. Then there are times when it seems like I can't shut-up.
It's funny because lately I felt pretty evened out. You see, usually something is going on either my sugar is out of whack or my emotions are on one end of the scale or the other. Recently though, I've felt okay, no high, no low, just okay. It's actually got me asking, "is this what normal feels like?"
Maybe finally there is some light at this dark, old tunnel I've been in. But I'm trying not to over analyse it, I'm actually trying to live in the moment. I guess the point of this post is, don't question good days, just appreciate them as they come. Because in this crazy mixed up world we lived normal can often be a rare thing.
Looking back, I see how optimistic I felt when I posted that last time. The irony in that is I "had" a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrists. The problem started when I get to the clinic, here let me say this isn't my "first rodeo", I've been coming here for years. It's just that today the waiting room was full and the usual patients waiting for help in our slash & cut state healthcare service were just a bit interesting.
I know, I know, I should be more understanding of others situations, but wow. I walked in feeling pretty good, low anxiety and a good attitude. After 2 hours of people staring holes through me and individuals cussing at the walls and slapping themselves. I was a mess. I simply told the receptionist behind the glass, "I'll reschedule", then left.
My nerves did not calm down until I was at least 20 miles from that place. Over the years I've experienced a lot of unnerving things and lived through some really dark moments. But to see how this state treats does whom can't help themselves with care that has gotten worse and worse. I really won't be surprised if they didn't go back to the horror movie mental institutions and pushing ice picks through peoples eye sockets to cure them. Look it up it really happened.
I guess on top of everything else, while I function pretty well in places where I have some control. When I venture out and things get out of hand I don't do so well. There has to be a better way of getting treatment.
Morning, before I crank-up and really begin my day I wanted to tell everyone (or just myself) that the weekend wasn't too bad. I mean it could have been cooler, it is the middle of October, not July; and someone could leave me a million dollars in the bank. Still I watched my fair share of American football and enjoyed the company of my wife and kids.
So should I really complain? Yes, some bad dreams woke me up Sunday morning and yes, I had a hard time focusing on work I needed to do. But I'm here, a new day has begun, and with that the potential for most anything.
Sometimes I get so critical when things are not perfect. Then I have to realize, since when has that become a requirement for living? Everybody stay safe, let's all try dipping our toes in the water a little. If it happens, yeah! If not tomorrows another beginning.
you have a great attitude to getting better,this will serve you well in the future
good luck
First off Thank-you Andy for the kind words, they mean a lot. We finally had a break in the weather down here, with temps much more seasonable. My nose and sinuses are so happy. Recently, I've redoubled my efforts to get my consulting business back off the ground. My only setbacks can be these last two final courses I have to take. The first being statistics, yet again, and then project management. It appears the school saved the best for last.
Which begs me to question should I simply get these two things done than change on or go ahead and work on what I can. Looking at this from another angle I'm happy to feel the drive back in my soul to go out there and work again. Which is a world of difference from how I felt a few months ago. To everyone have faith you can get better. Also have the courage to face yourself and learn to love yourself warts and all. That is the first step.
It's been a few days since my last post, so at the risk of repeating myself (something my kids say I do quite a lot) I want to say upfront its an everyday thing. A problem that each of us may go through (or at least I do) is you sit around at home or at your safe places and you think, "hey!, I'm feeling pretty good maybe this is over." Then just as I bite off a piece of life that's a bit too big to shallow, I panic. Those anyone know what I'm talking about?
Even after the decades of living through the best and worst of this disorder. I still forget to remind myself "do it by the spoonful." That jumping in head first may work every now and then, but in my experience I end up taking four steps backwards to every one step forward.
So as I work through a new venture in my life, I've decided (yet again) to do this on my terms. That way when I need to retreat some I can do so without the endless questions and the attitudes of those who don't walk in our steps. Remember to be mindful.
Well in my little world of up and down, I feel up again. But in all honesty, it's okay to be up and down. Maybe because we (I) live in a world where we are a bit hyper-sensitive to things around us, we may put too much emphasis on up and down. What do you think?
Still, even with a project deadline looming over me, I feel stress-free (at least right now). I guess the important thing is to not question the good days, but to just take them when they come. So that when the bad days are here, you can remember you have good days coming. So to each, have a good day!
It's been about a week since I posted and during this time I've had a bit of trouble sleeping. But honestly I'm thinking it's more a physical thing then my nerves. Although this is finals week at school, and there is plenty of stress there. It's fall here in South Georgia USA and that means 86 degrees F temperatures one day and 55 degrees F the next. So my sinuses are in a tailspin.
Still the thing is you can't let your guard down when it comes to panic, but at the same time don't let your guard become your center. Focusing on the present is what keeps you focused and sane. Worrying about past failures or about things that haven't even happened yet, is a recipe for creating more undesired fear. So focus on the center and leave the past and future to themselves.
I was looking over my posts and wondered if I should start another thread, because I think I'm beginning to repeat myself. Anyway, I started a new class on Tuesday dealing with a subject I dread Statistics. Well after the first two days my nerves were shot. There's a download I need for class that I can't upload and making heads or tails of the material. This of course get's internalized and last night my panic kept me up.
Around 4:30 am, I simply got out of bed and went to the living room. With the TV as background noise, I just sat there and breathed in and out. Needless to say I finally got sleepy and sat there and slept till I woke back up around 6:30 am.
Here's where the surprise comes in, I went to my school website this morning and discovered the software isn't that critical. Then I discovered what I had been discussing in my post was spot on. So it's safe to say school was pretty good today.
My point here is to remind all of us that while things can look bad. If we focus on the here and now, tomorrow may turn out to be okay after all. If it isn't okay, then focus on what you see and not what hasn't happened.
I know that I posted just a day or so ago. But I do consider this site my sounding board for the illness we all share, panic/anxiety disorder. So here it goes. Last post I discussed the feelings or symptoms that can creep up on us. Well it seems those feelings, symptoms have decided to come at me yet again. After being awakened in the middle of the night with what I would describe as mild night terrors. I worked to refocus my thoughts to what is really in front of me, not past memories or an imagined future.
But sometimes you get tired of fighting a good fight and you simply wish for a day where you are not having to focus on anything. Maybe that's what I really want, a day where I don't have to stand guard over the gate waiting for something to happen. Because that in itself can become a prison.
If anyone out there get's what I'm saying or thinks the same thing. Let me how maybe it's time for me listen and not analyze.
I kinda like not remembering what I posted last, it gives me an excuse to repeat myself. But over the last few days while the temperature here has gone up then down. I'm feeling pretty good with a few occasions where the old panic rears it's old head when some stress hits.
I guess the thing is that I'm not testing the waters too much. I'm staying pretty close to home simply wanting to get through with my studies of this degree. I got till mid-january to go and I'm redoubling my efforts to get through these very difficult courses.
For a few weeks recently I was really losing my desire and edge to see this through. But since the past weekend a spark of drive has really pushed me to focus on the task at hand.
Maybe that's a good place to leave this post, with being refocused. We sometimes get so overwhelmed with managing our lives and our sanity that we loss focus on what's important. To breathe freely with less stress and to be able to get along like "normal people". That's all I want to do. So be true to yourself and work to make yourself a better you, not someone else.
It's been a few days since my last post, the workload of my current course has really been rough. So it has taken up a great deal of my time for other things. But this morning a phone call shook the tree a little and reminded me that some things are more important than even a job or school.
The call was from my daughter who lives nearby with her boyfriend. It turns out that her "mother-in-law" passed away during the night. My daughter who I could tell was quite shaken by the news just wanted to hear a calm voice.
Don't ask me how but in times of chaos my resolve seems to turn to steel. Even living with the problems that I have, when crises happen I seem to have the ability to keep myself together. Now rather that's from my practice of pushing emotion to the side or simply a gift from God, I'm not sure. All I know is 9 times out of 10, I can keep my emotions in check during emergencies.
I'm sure that taking this sad moment and working it to be about me doesn't hold well to my sympathies about the family. But when I look at this from the context of my own struggles, it is interesting how I can keep it together now. Yet I struggle to push through simple daily task like buying milk or driving to work.
I must be honest and say, a lot of the time, the best teacher can be the worst student. I mentioned last time that we had a death in the family. And, as you know funerals and those situations are very stressful. So for the most part I have been avoiding the whole thing. Tonight I was suppose to attend a memorial service before the funeral tomorrow. But I didn't go. You see while I may preach going out there and pushing yourself, even I can be a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to overcoming stress.
But to be honest, while I know the right path to take, it doesn't mean I have the strength to overcome but so much. As I have said, our journey to some degree of "normal" is not a smoothly paved road. It's more like a really bumpy potholed "pig trail" that whines and twist endlessly. So if to some of you I seem to hold some key to some answer, let this remind you. We are all human and we all fail. What can help us is that we at least recognize that we fail, and work to improve ourselves. Not allowing our failures limit us too much.
Just as an update to the funeral, I did attend it. I guess one of the problems I run into is something a bunch of us run into, and that is, the anticipation of the event. The whole morning before the funeral which was at 1 pm, I was agonizing over going in the first place. Even as we drove to the service I was going over "what if" scenarios in my mind.
This tension usually doesn't end until I arrive at where I'm dreading to go. At that point if things are calm I relax, but even that is temporary if my mind thinks things are taking too long. So I must be honest and say the service went on and on. But the point to me is, I made it through the service. Although, I hate to make this about myself the important thing was being respectful to my son-in-laws family. Still, when dealing with anxiety issues you can't help but think to yourself, you can and must do this.
If a teaching moment can be drawn from this tragedy, I guess it could be. That no matter what you have to latch onto to get to the goal, if it gets you out into the world, make it so.
Well with the funeral behind me and my all day doctor appointment over, I've spent the past two days being a vegetable. I'm well aware that things need to be done and people are depending on me. Still, I just shut down for a few days.
I guess I'm mentioning these things to you to simply let everyone know, our journey to some sort of "normalcy" isn't a sprint, but a long marathon of victories and defeats. None of us are immune to failure, but one key to having more victories is not take our failures and dwell on them. Or to let them override your thought process. Just accept them as they come and move on. It may sound "oh so easy" but the truth is, "it kinda is". (Forgive my Southern vernacular.)
My point here is, while I'm dwelling in my cellar of inactivity, I know what must be done. But knowing and doing are two very different things. One of the ways I usually break my "funk" is to allow it to run it's course. Over the years I've noticed within myself my moods run in cycles, with the med's those cycles are more evened out. But I have cycles all the same. So I guess all that can be said is, do your best and don't beat yourself up.
Merry Christmas! everyone. To be honest I've been a bit under the weather the past few days. For awhile I thought it may have been my head or anxiety or something, but now I believe it's actually being sick.
Since my last post I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I discussed what's been going on recently. Since my last post, while I try and not make rash decisions, I decided to pull out of my class until after the holidays. Like I said, I worried that may have not been the best idea, but honestly I've felt less stress since doing it. While on the surface it may seem counter productive to my goals. The peace of mind I gained has been nice. Also discussing this with head doc he feel's it was a good move to ease up with all that's been going on.
So as of now I'm devoting time to refocusing and bonding with family. I'm keeping the schedule as light as I can, with few family obligations. But this weekend was my wife and I's wedding anniversary. So despite all my physical and mental objections, we out on a afternoon of a movie and lunch. Which went off with my mess at bay and allowing her a nice time.
This can lead to another line of thought which I may get into later. So for now try to remember, being perfect isn't a goal. But doing what we can for ourselves and our loved one's is.
my therapist told me to stop aiming for perfection because you will always let yourself down It was great advice especially on my return to work,instead of going flat out and giving 110% i gave 60-80% which was enough
merry christmas fduop
I recently had a conversation with my therapist and part of that conversation has been troubling me. I come to find out my therapist and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Along with that we share very little as far as our belief systems go. I guess the question I am putting out here is, can this have an impact on my treatment? I guess the thing is maybe I'm looking for her to be more active in my treatment. When in reality she is no more than a sounding board for me to talk to? It's just something I've been wondering about since my last appointment. My visits with the psychiatrist are usually pretty productive when working with my meds. I guess I'll try and work harder with the therapist to build a more productive relationship. Still thinking about where her belief system is it gives me pause.
It's been a few days since my last post and while last night was bad (woke up stopped up and achy). Today once I got going, I've been pretty much energized. I have noticed for the past week I felt a bit better inside. The anxiety seems to have ebbed a bit since the funeral.
I haven't given much thought about my therapist this week. Instead the focus is more on working to progress myself from the plateau I am on. To make just a few more steps of progress in living life fully again.
So I guess if I had to conjure up a moral to leave others with it would be, even a baby step is a step, no matter how small.
From my experience with this site, most everyone on is British or European. So I'm not sure how well understood my baseball metaphors here will be, but here it goes. I woke up early this morning after a number of hours of poor sleep. For the most part my insides just felt like they were in a knot.
Since then I've gotten up and did what most humans and animals do in the morning, but I still feel "blah". So I've decided since there isn't too much on my plate anyway today. I'd just devote some time to breathing and reading.
You know, used to I'd allow a day like this to put me in a funk (or cause me to think badly of myself). But now even with my "blah" self, I'm learning to accept it and roll with the day. We are never guaranteed "sunshine and roses" all the time. And sometimes all the positive thoughts in the world are not going to pull you through to a brighter day.
You simple have to learn that sometimes when you swing at the plate it's a homerun. Other times it's a foul ball and still others a simple line drive. All we can ever do is practice and do our best. Because much like a long summer of baseball, our race is a marathon not a sprint. So conditioning and training becomes our ally and perfection is not guaranteed.
So as I lay here and hope for the best from myself, striking out is part of the game. Even the best in the game have only 0.300 batting averages. That's making contact 3 out of 10 tries, so why demand so much of yourself? Do your best, that's all that's required.
Morning everyone, you know I feel like a ping pong ball every time I go back and read my post. By that I mean, one post I'm feeling good and wanting to be encouraging. Then in the very next one I'm "down in the dumps" wondering why I even posted, just trying to get my own ass out of the house. The reason I mention this is yesterday and today have been those kind of days.
I'll be honest yesterday was crap. My heart fluttered, my anxiety was way up, and my mind was going everywhere. During the day I did my best to meditate and read some passages on overcoming my thoughts. And to be honest, I felt better as I got ready for bed. Anyway, as the night wore on, I ended up having a really bad dream that totally woke me up. Needless to say, I ended up spending most of the night half asleep with the TV playing some infomercial.
While reflecting on this I wonder about the over obsession I have with my thoughts. In my reading on mediation I totally understand the point of being present. That dwelling on the past and/or future can cause unnecessary anxiety. I suppose the place where I'm having problems is with the notion of separating myself from my thoughts.
I recall trying to read a book by Eckhart Tolle that mentioned we are not our thoughts. This is a very hard subject to wrap my mind around simple because, I have always been of the mindset, "I think therefore I am". So you can see why somehow separating myself from my thought process is confusing at best.
Unfortunately, I can't end this post with any pearls of wisdom. Simply because there are too many more questions to answer. But what I can say is, emptying our mind and simply observing the thoughts as they come and go is an important first step. I hope that my rambling helps and doesn't farther confuse anyone including myself.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Since my last post I've been feeling better, that's mostly because of some modest changes I have made. Little things like eating a piece of dry toast before taking my morning medication and spreading my medicine taking out a bit more in the evening. As far as sleeping, I'm still waking up during the night. So I've gone back to reading while I'm up to make me sleepy.
I guess the point here I can make is during the holidays, while we don't have a tree, or presents, or a big family celebration planned. For us these were decisions we made and accepted as a family. After all, our youngest child is 23, so the lack of gifts is not that tragic. The one thing is, that while I suffer from anxiety, I do realize I don't have to suffer alone. Since allowing my family to know about my problems, it's given me a much better support system than me by myself.
So as many of us suffer over this holiday time, try to put into practice the act of being honest with those you love. Allow those that really love you to support and help you. When I came to this realization, while I still have bad days, those days don't overwhelm me as much as they used to.
So each one have a Merry Christmas and Good Holiday Season. As for me, I'm not alone. I have my family and a pot of Christmas Chili I need to start.
Well, Merry After Christmas, I guess. I hope no body minds if I just jot down some thoughts today on some strong emotions I went through yesterday evening. This site gives me freedom to express true emotions that I go through, with individuals with like experiences. So here are my thoughts.
Yesterday evening after a pretty quiet Christmas day, I got the news from my youngest daughter that she's pregnant. Now this was great news, especially for my wife. As for myself, I was supportive of her and her boyfriend. But after the phone call my emotions started doing a number on me. I felt pressure, my belly felt heavy, my insides were in a knot, things you kinda expect with a call like that.
Now this may not be entirely from her announcement, I was also experiencing some issues from something I ate earlier. Sitting here now I kinda think it was a little of both. In my anxious situations, I usually feel I'm at a tipping point at any given moment. It's not a great way to live and I have mentioned before it's something I'll bring up at my next therapy session in a couple of weeks.
While I got myself through the situation with my meds (which it was time to take) and reminding myself that if I embrace and not run from the situation it I will usually end up feeling better. Still after having breakfast this morning I ended up feeling "funky" again. But as many of you know, with anxiety and panic our sensitivity gauges are turned up to maximum when it comes to body sensations. I usually have to remind myself of that fact on a daily basis.
So at the moment I'm reminding myself that this isn't my first rodeo with anxious situations. That just as before, with a little effort on my part, I will beat this yet again. But even when equipped with these facts, it doesn't make the journey anymore fun to go through. Breezing through these holidays without all these internal conflicts would most certainly be nice. But I work to accept the hand I'm dealt and do my best to make the best of this journey.
I guess through all this my hope other than getting myself through this is, that my notes on this journey will help somebody else with this problems. Too many time I can become very self-centered when dealing with the anxiety I deal with. But along this journey I'm also learning, just as with parenthood, if you freely give of yourself much more will be given back. That no matter how you think of it (religiously or not) good comes back from good. So if you don't mind, I got some meditating to do.
Good morning everyone. I wish I could say everything's all wine and roses this morning, but to be honest I've been having some mild panic attacks. For me, mild is when I can function to a point, but it ain't fun. After popping my usual meds and choking down breakfast, I still felt tense and along with the other usual symptoms, I don't need to remind any of you about.
After an hour or so of just feeling like crap, I decided to get dressed, make-up the bed, open a curtain, and jot down how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm hoping that by at least communicating with someone out there of like mind, I'd somehow release some of this tension. After all, misery loves company.
One thing I wanted to note is when I have one of these episodes. I usually go back and re-read material I've collected over the years about panic and the things you can do. I'm just interested in knowing if anyone else does this besides me. It's not that I learn anything new, I think more than anything else my scrambled thought process needs to be rebooted. You see, sometimes a computer program or programs can get so tangled, the best way to fix it is to shutdown and reboot. That's what re-reading stuff I already know seems to do for me.
Well I'm going to leave for now, I feel a bit better, not perfect, but better. Sometimes just jotting down a line or two helps the process. So that care as you continue your journey just as I do mine.
You know it's funny (ironic) how panic/anxiety can work on you. I've been dealing with this carnival ride for some 15 years. Still it blows me away how it does my mind and body.
A prime example is today, I was out of my prozac and some other meds I needed to pick up. Even though I really hadn't missed a dose, my mind was going into panic mode. I couldn't get to the pharmacy quick enough. Still even after getting and taking my meds, I was going through my ritual of health hypersensitivity.
Now that I "feel" better I look back at my behaviour and actions and get mad at myself. I know I shouldn't, but let's be honest, you get mad at yourself for not seeing it's the panic and not really you. So what do you do?
As I have mentioned, you got to learn to separate yourself from the thoughts that overrun our minds. It ain't easy, believe me I'm still dealing with it. Still it can be done. I guess the point here is, fight the good fight, remember it's a marathon not a sprint. And, don't get too down on yourself, believe me we all fail. Just remember to wipe off the dirt and go at it again.
Happy New Year, everyone. When I post I usually use it to not only vent my feelings, but to leave some grain of hope behind. I guess I do that because that's what keeps me going. In other words, despite the lows I've crawled through, some grain of hope usually comes through. You can call it faith, selfishness, stupidity, or whatever. But usually after a bad episode of my mind wandering into some dark places, taking my body with it. When the episode subsides the relief I feel usually brings on a optimistic twist.
I wouldn't think of that as a bad thing or just part of the illness. I would rather think of those points as good omens that mean I do not like those dark times and would prefer being a cheerful, outgoing, happy person.
As individuals that have a common bond of social anxiety. It is never a bad thing to want to get better. So I'd like to say, as we plow through working to get better. Let us pay even closer attention to that voice that gives us hope and remember anxiety doesn't have to define who we are.
Well it's 6 days into the new year and some of the things I've been working on have made some nice changes in me physically. The main thing has been the quitting or at least lighting up on caffeine. I noticed my panic and anxiety hasn't been as severe. Also my blood sugar levels have really gone down, because of the cutting of caffeine and sugar soft drinks.
I'm working on drinking more herbal teas and have found some favors I really enjoy. So I'm replacing the caffeine with this and it's been working okay. Another thing is eating more home cooking items and less processed foods. Here in the old USA that's one of the main things killing us. So we are cooking more basic foods and eating less boxed processed stuff.
While my world isn't all "wine and roses", it is up to me to make it better. So if anything that I find that works, I definitely want to tell others about it. At the moment things are good. If they change, lord knows I hope it's for the better. But if it's not I certainly pray that this site and my friends can give me a helping hand. Everyone, let's make it a good year.
Good evening everyone. It's only been a few days since my last post but sometimes it's good to vent in whatever forum you have available. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday but I received the news that she quit. Now rather it was because I was coming, I can't say, but you never know. (Just a little humor)
So the bad news for me is I'm being reshuffled to another therapist. And so the process begins again. Thankfully, I'm doing okay. I had to force myself to take a trip out of town to the grocery store yesterday. The closest store that carries produce and fresh food is a 20 mile round trip. Which for "average" folk is a no brainer. But for folks like myself it can be a trip to hell.
It wasn't easy or fun, but I made it. For me the panic/anxiety really does a number on my physical senses. Meaning the slightest ache or pain turns into a full blown whatever if I let it. But forcing those emotions down doesn't work either. For me it's "learning" to say to myself, "okay, I feel this and I accept this feeling", then let go. Sounds easy enough right? Well it sure as hell isn't believe me I know. But practice, practice, practice makes you better.
Anyway, that's my victory for the week. Like I keep saying it takes one foot in front of the other to make progress. Even if you take some steps backwards it's okay. It just means you get to exercise a little more. Good night.
OrangleCircle
09-01-15, 01:45
Welldone fduop, i suffer from anxiety too, i had a job interview, beforehand thought nothing of it until it came around, walking to the interview all that i wanted to do is turn around go back home and hide somewhere, strange thing was i had a strange feeling i was about to somehow die mid interview, as illogical as that may seem, managed to pull it off anyway just, i felt a full panic attack coming on toward the end of the interview and that overwhelming deep feeling of wanting to flee, after a breif hyperventilating i returned home with the dread sinking in, turns out i didn't do as bad as i thought and got the job and didn't die mod interview either, all that end well
Good morning everyone. If you were to judge me by the way I look today, you would more-than-likely think I was in rough shape. But since I don't have anything going on outside my home, I'm dressed in old sweats, hair parted anyway but right, with a four day beard.
But to be honest, I feel pretty good, a little bored, but good. Days like this I guess are part of the process, not everyday's a diamond or not everyday's a stone. As far as dropping so golden pearl of wisdom. I guess it's best to rely on experience and say, take each day as it comes. Don't put too much expectation on them, just live them the best you can.
As I sign off I pray each of you that read these things get something out of them. As we all walk this panicky filled journey together.
To OrangleCircle, as you well know misery loves company. Sometimes no matter the pressure, we have to push ourselves through situations like you mentioned. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, still sometimes the effort itself is the victory. I can only hope that you continue to be successful. The thing is don't stew too long on defeats, look at them as test runs. Best to you Lord Bless.
Well it's Friday afternoon here and for the whole day it's been nothing but sunshine. This is important because it has rained, dizzied, or been cloudy for the last six days. Over the past few days I've started back to school after about a month off. This course shouldn't be too bad considering it's the class I dropped last time.
Other than that I've been getting deeper into my mediating, which has helped me cope with the thoughts of "what if" and the past failures that our minds tend to dwell on causing a lot of our anxiety. Focusing on my breathe and accepting the thoughts that pass through my mind then letting go, may sound simple. But it is a process you must practice to make it work.
I guess my biggest obstacle was one of religion and faith. Meaning, that my upbring was putting up roadblocks to me using what my mind considered eastern religious practice. But without getting so deep into it here, focusing on the mediation does compliment the faith I was brought up in.
I guess the point I could end this with is, don't give up. Look for the thing that answers your situation, rather it's meditation, therapy, medication, or all three. Don't allow yourself to suffer, you can find a way out. Hell look at me, I've been fighting this since 1999.
If nothing else I wanted to drop a quick note about doing what we can to push through our limitations. Most of us here suffer with crippling panic and anxiety that can not only stop us from walking out the door. It can cloud our minds to where we function minimally at best.
The reason I bring this up is because during my last class my anxiety had build up to such a point, that it affected my understanding and study of the course. It get so bad I dropped the course, which I mentioned in an earlier post.
Since then I've worked to focus on the anxiety and to except that it is here. And instead of trying to block it, I'm learning to embrace that part of myself and to love myself as I am. Through meditation, therapy, and honestly some medication I'm coping and learning to love myself, warts and all.
I hope that I don't make this sound easy, because I still struggle. But when you decide that you are worth the effort it makes the push a bit easier. Finally as far as that last course, I'm retaking it. It's not any easier, but I feel I'm understanding the material much better this time around.
Hey Everyone.
It's been a few days since my last post, but to be honest I've been knee deep with school. My grade last week wasn't the best, so I've decided to hunker down and work. With respect to my anxiety, at the moment it's being kept at bay. But I can say better than most the minute you let your guard down and think you don't have to work at it, panic will slap you right in the face again.
I myself went for a number of years without a panic attack, then with building stress and anxiety, Bam! And I've fighting this for around two years now. The point here being, fighting. Now don't get me wrong I don't mean literal beating yourself up, it simply means battling the anxiety/panic with treatment that works for you. Rather that means therapy, medication, mediation, or all of the above and more.
The thing is you don't have to settle for living with this. We are capable of coming from out of this shadow. While I know I'm starting to sound like a poor motivational speaker, the fact is we can live a better life. Lord knows though, we can still fail, believe me, I have more than once. Still it's a fight we can win it's just takes time and compassion for yourself to do it.
Happy Monday!
I don't know why, but I must be one of the few oddballs in the world that actually enjoys Monday? I think it's because my weekdays seem to have more structure then the weekends, but who knows. Anyway, the weekend was a bit stressful, with school work and test to do. Last night was pretty restful considering the weather change from sunny and mild to windy and cold.
As I noted in my blog, I was feeling stressed this morning. Maybe it was due to leftover stressors from the weekend. But instead of burying my head in the sand, I decided to write about it. What I discovered a while back is, if I put my thoughts down, I usually end up feeling at least somewhat better. It's not a perfect system, but more times than not, it serves it's purpose.
I guess that's what I wanted to relate today, that we all have bad days. That one additional tool we can put in our mental toolboxes is expressing our feelings on paper (screen) and allow the free flow of your feelings drive the pen (keyboard). This gives us the opportunity to release those buried thoughts we need to get out. Like I said, it's not a perfect system but, it can offer some release.
Over the past few weeks, I've really felt a new positive attitude about myself. But as this course I'm taking has progressed my desired and drive for it have truly diminished. I went into this graduate program with enthusiasm at the beginning. But as I have gone through these various courses, the challenge of succeeding at them has died off.
For the most part I logically picked this area of study which is an MBA. The trouble is that as I have worked through my anxiety, my desire for business has truly stopped. For the last several classes my only focus has honestly been to just get it over with. Even now as this course progresses I dread each day I sign into class. To pressure I feel physically is overwhelming. The desire to flee is overwhelming.
But a small light at the end of this tunnel is that I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Hopefully he and I can come up with a solution. But at this moment, I don't really "feel it" when it comes to this graduate program. When we look at major decisions like these with the problems we have, we have to be careful not to make hasty decisions that can cost us. Believe me I have done this on more than one occision. Still my lack of focus on my schooling and the fact I already have two degrees has me thinking that I am using school as an excuse from dealing with life?
I don't mean to ramble, but I needed to vent, and here is as good as any place to do it. All our journey's depend on how we understand who we are. So when somethings not feeling right, usually your gut is a good indicator when changes are needed. Don't get me wrong I have passions, just not for business. I enjoy the challenge of figuring things out and the success that can bring. But also I have a creative side that desires to express what I think and feel in words. Words that can hopefully help others who have stared down the same demons I do everyday. Don't worry, I'll keep you up-to-date on my victories and my defeats.
Well just as an update, my psychiatrist did up the dosage on my fluoxetine. Which in itself can be stressful considering my reaction to the last dosage increase. So for the last few days I've been a bit sluggish, but "feeling" okay.
As far as my studies, I dropped the course, which before would give me a case of the quitter blues. Except this time around I'm in a much better place to handle having to let go. My study of mindfulness and mediation have a lot to do with that. I'm learning that I can't control everything, that somethings just happen. So the best I can do is be in the moment, yes, but also to be proactive in the direction I want to go.
I guess in all our journeys that is the key. That we all try and take an active roll in creating a better us. Creating a better us doesn't have to mean "new and improved" just in a better place with ourselves, and that is key.
Good Afternoon, as I mentioned Sunday I started my increased dosage of fluoxetine and so far so good. The side effects I'm experiencing are much milder at the moment, mostly just a headache and drowsiness. At the same time since I'm out of class, I've been reading a couple of books pertaining to anxiety and suffering.
The first is Thich Nhat Hanh book "No Mud, No Lotus" and the other by Steve Stossel's book "My Age of Anxiety". While each book is different they are similar in many ways. Thich's book deals with working and embracing our suffering in the Buddhist tradition. While Stossel's book is an autobiographical journey of his life with anxiety and a study of how anxiety is defined. Both are interesting reads with Stossel's appealing to my more logical side and Thich's going into a more spiritual direction.
Maybe I am just preoccupying myself with this thing we all have but hey, we all need a hobby. I guess maybe thing is that, in order to better understand myself I'm diving into these waters in order to find me and why I am like I am. At 50 something you'd think I'd figured this out by now. But isn't that one of the things that makes us unique that drive to be better? Still I'm learning not to forsake today's happiness for a pie-in-the-sky-dream of tomorrow. Live in the moment.
I was sitting on my porch this morning, looking out over the cool but cloudless day. As I sat there and watched the world drive past, I started thinking. Is it proper to give advice when you yourself still live with doubts about your own self?
Thinking along those lines, I figured who better to listen to than someone who themselves knows the panic and fear first hand. And realises, just how fragile it all can be in their words of caution. It settled my mind a bit, to feel that in my own imperfection I can find pieces of encouragement to share.
So as I leave for now, as you look at where you are remember, your life is yours to direct. So plant seeds of encourage within yourselfs and show love to those parts of you that you may want to forget. Good or bad it's what makes up who we are, and by giving compassion to the unloved you are giving passion to yourself.
Happy Tuesday everyone. I figured it's been a few days so I'll send out a short note on how things are going. The main thing has been since Sunday afternoon the increase in my medication (prozac) has affected my sleeping. I'm much more tired than usual and having stronger headaches. My anxiety has bumped up a little, but nothing compared to the last dosage increase.
Another thing I have been doing is reading the Steve Stossel book I mentioned last week. As I continue to read I find it interesting that much like myself, Stossel has had a love/hate relationship with his medications. But the book is much more academic than I thought it would be. Stossel so far has been very through with his research in the history and treatment of anxiety. The book can get a bit "long winded" but if anyone has a desire to understand the development and history of anxiety treatment. Then it's worth the time. When I complete the book I'll update my review.
As I close this post on our shared problem of anxiety/panic, it's important to remember. Each of us is unique individual and each of us has their own journey to walk. I may not use the same methods you use to live with anxiety/panic. The important thing is we each make the journey to being our best.
Well Happy Valentine's Day, I trust everyone has done something for the one they love. I took my wife out today to avoid the crowds tonight. One doesn't have to have panic disorder to want to avoid that.
Which brings up an interesting point, today I did get dressed and go out in public. Like some of you out there, I have a safe zone where I'll venture out without much problem. Beyond that I still tend to tread lightly. While the medication increase isn't bothering as much the last day or so, my anxiousness has shot up some. Still, I made it to town pretty well without too many anxious moments.
So while today is a big commercial venture (at lest here in the US). Do remember those who love and support you and tell them you appreciate that support, you may find it goes a long way in your own journey. So much of panic/anxiety forces us to be self-focused. Giving back allows you to pull that focus away from ourselves and give back to our caregivers.
Good Tuesday Everyone. Since Saturday I have been doing alright, but the effects of the increased med's (prozac) has been if anything aggravating. At night my dreams have been crazy and during the day I go through periods of brief anxiety attacks. While they're nothing compared to attacks I've had in the past, they still bother me.
At the moment I'm feeling okay, but a few hours ago it seemed my blood sugar had bottomed out. It's something I monitor carefully, since giving up caffeine, tobacco, and sodas a little over a month ago, my blood sugar levels have really gone down. It's something I'm bring up to my Dr when I see him at the first of next month I may need to reduce my blood sugar meds. If there's a bright spot to my panic/anxiety meds it's the fact they have really killed my bad appetite and my need to smoke.
Other than that I'm living one day at a time allowing these new changes to work themselves out. One other thing I've really got to work on is exercising and moving about. While I still have my problems my goal is to take one step forward, even with the three steps back I take every now and then.
Afternoon everyone, looking back at what I posted last time, I'm feeling pretty good. But one thing I've noted myself doing is being a bit lazy and keeping my head under the covers. I know that's something I shouldn't punish myself over, but it's something I notice myself doing.
At the moment I hesitate to make a judgement of my behaviour. Simply because sometimes you just gotta let things go. Not everything has to be micromanaged although my condition screams that I do. Still as my grandmother would say, "let sleeping dogs lie."
I guess my thought for myself and everyone else today would be, everything's not going to be perfect, so don't expect everything to be that way. Just be as good as you can be at the moment that's all I can expect of myself.
Afternoon everyone. I know I've said this before but, I am very grateful to the individual who keep this forum going. It does me good to have a place to come where I can simply say how things are going, without filtering my responses and be truly honest. So thanks.
From the number of views I see, others are hopefully getting something out of my honesty. I feel that I was given a gift of writing and I can think no higher calling than to put this talent to good use telling others they are not alone.
For the past couple of days my old friend anxiety has been telling me something is wrong with my heart. I've felt a slight twinge which more than likely, anyone else would ignore. But for those out there like me, the slightest cough or twinge turns into a major problem, at least in my mind. The sad part is most of the time I know what's going on and the my mind will run with anything. Still even under medication every-so-often it's, "oh my God something's wrong."
Well I'm glad to get that off my chest. To be honest, I kinda feel better. I often find that writing here does that for me, it allows me to unload. So I guess a moral for this post can be that while suffering with what we have, by releasing those thoughts, even on this screen, it is a way to free myself. From the burden that we carry.
Afternoon. I've been reading a self-help book (I know, I know, I usually hate them too.) But it was cheap and recommended by an author whom I like. So far it's been an interesting read, while some points I take with a grain of salt, for the most part it gives good advice.
I guess the central thing I'm thinking about here is, the one problem that many of us experience, that lack of self respect and self esteem. Is a major obstacle in many of us getting better. The two authors I've mentioned make it a point to stress loving and believing in yourself first. While on the surface putting others first may be noble, in reality if you don't love yourself, you can't truly love others.
As we each work toward some degree of normalcy, let's not neglect the need to give ourselves credit where credit due. Learning the value of yourself is the greatest currency you can create. Because with that currency then you can truly give of yourself the one thing others value most, your respect and love.
Good early afternoon. As someone who considers myself a writer sometimes there are days when the words flow like a fountain. Then there are days like this were I don't have much to say at all. It maybe a bit ironic that today I choose to write considering my overall mood. But I sometimes make it a point to force myself to do things my mind doesn't want to do.
Yesterday would be a good example of this, it was the end of the week and we were getting low on groceries. I knew at some point I'd have to get dressed and drive to the next town and buy groceries. While the "average" person doesn't look forward to this, I know I don't have to tell any of you how it is for us.
I went through my usual list of amplified ailments, racing heart, headache, eyes hurting, etc., etc... But the alternative was not eating, which needless to say, ramps up a bunch more ailments. Here's the thing, once I got in my truck and drove to the store, not only did I accomplish that task. I ended up doing a few more things that needed doing and all without falling apart too much.
I guess without realizing it my point here is, the act of putting one foot in front of the other isn't easy. But once I put action to the situation I usually end up accomplishing the daily task we all desire to do. Just think, I thought I had nothing to say.
Good Morning. At the risk of repeating myself (like I'd ever do that) the last few days have been interesting. For one, a consulting firm has expressed interest in hiring me. Now the offer seems generous and the company offers a good product and training program. I guess the thing is, sticking your toe in the water is one thing, but diving in headfirst is another.
I know, I know, I write a lot about getting ourselves out of our comfort zones. But as we all know too well words are one thing, action is something else. The reason I write stuff like this is to be totally honest with everyone. Too many times books, doctors, therapists, and self help gurus stuff us full of their advice and that's fine. But it doesn't make the job any easier.
So as I consider the proposal that's in front of me. The thing I need to remind myself of is, the only way to get on with living is to live. When dealing with panic we suffer all too often with allowing life to just slip by. This is not what we were designed to do, we are designed to experience life fully. That means experiencing happiness, sadness, success, and defeat. Living a life only experiencing part of that isn't really living. Let's all work to live.
Good Morning. I figured it's been a few days so I thought I'd put something down even if it isn't something "profound". When you think about it, isn't that our everyday boring lives? This morning I was watching a national morning program and one of the host mentioned "jetting" off to Disney World for the weekend with his kids. Who does that in the normal world? I mean, families plan vacations, but he made it sound like it was a outing to the mall or McDonald's. Anyway, if you are able to do that great, I'm not going to sit here and criticize. Envy maybe, but not criticize.
But this is a site where we have open discussions about just making it out of the house and working to rebuild normal lives. Focusing on how wonderful someone elses life is, isn't going to help me or you. For too long I would envy family and friends lives. You see for my family life has been a struggle. Even before the panic, meeting bills and putting food on the table was an everyday focus. Then I'd see my siblings and my wife's family appearing to do so well. But no matter how well things appear, it's what is going on inside that matters the most.
I guess that's the focus I could put out here to you. While it's okay to look to others and think, "I'd like to get to that place of security in my life." We can do that without bitterness or resentment but with a plan to improve ourselves. One additional point I would add is, if you do fail. Do not allow that defeat to beat you down for too long. Use that defeat as a template for improvement, not a sentence to be defeated.
If you're like me these are lessons that are hard to learn. And, they are lessons that have to be repeated over and over just to get them to stick. So don't knock yourself down for not getting it the fourth or fifth time around. Life is not about fairness, it's about how you deal with what you're given, then taking that and thriving. My thriving may not be "jetting" off to Disney World for the weekend. But it can include passing to my children the will and desire to improve themselves inside. Which of these things do you think your family would appreciate most?
Morning Everyone. After I wrote what I did yesterday I was a bit proud of what I wrote. But later in the day as some minor pressure pressed upon my mind, I began to experience some panic. As we all know, we are hypersensitive to anything going on inside ourselves. So with every little uptick in my heart rate or sinus headache I had yesterday, my anxiety took pleasure in blowing up each situation.
While we all more than realize what is going on, it still doesn't make the ride any more fun. I guess the reason I put these kinds of comments down is to show, That even with all the tools we have to combat anxiety/panic we are only human.
In drug and alcohol abuse one famous program tells you it's a "one day at the time" journey. I suppose the same can be said for our journey. So from one human to another, lets march one day at a time and understand not everyday is gold.
Good Morning. We all know the old saying, "every journey begins with one step." Well it's nice to have all the "book knowledge" about a subject, it's a totally different thing to put that knowledge into action. Kinda like when biblical Apostle Paul described himself as the "chief of sinners." Here I must confess I have trouble putting my words into action.
While everyone is guilty from time to time of not taking their own advice, for myself it cuts me deeply to think. I can say all the right words and still be derailed by the simplest things. Thankfully the compassion I'm learning to give myself does shine a light on the fact that self abuse is nothing but destructive.
Coming out of a religious background that focused more on being good instead of being forgiven. Gives you the impression the "holier" you are, the better a believer you are. So along with carrying that baggage around, coming out of a verbally abusive home, makes for a man with some real self abuse issues. Along with an overwhelming need to be in control and be perfect it everything, thus creating this perfect storm of self abuse.
I guess by now you might be asking yourselves, "okay, we get it." "Is there way out of this damning critique of one's self?" In my experience I guess to two best things you can do is learn to forgive your own imperfections. Then learn to love your imperfect self.
A good resource to read about the subject is an ebook by Kamal Ravikant titled, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. It's nothing clinical, just Kamal's personal journey to learning to love himself. It's a quick read, to the point, imperfect, and cheap. Another thing to note is, another problem I have is internalizing my problems and disappointments. Here is where a forum like this comes in handy. It allows me to vent and get really honest about who and how I am. Listen, you may not went to login 130+ posts like I have (I can be a bit chatty). But putting your feelings on paper or screen can really help.
Good Afternoon. You'd think I'd be a better poster than I am. But for one, sometimes I just run out of things to say. Second, spring time has come in with a vengeance here where I live making me sick as a, sick dog?
As much as I love the spring, spring doesn't love me. But I will not let that stop my joy from seeing the dogwoods bloom and feel the fresh breeze. Still, at least in my situation, I would try and use any excuse I can to not do anything. (like not writing) To get away with not living life.
But life has a way of leaving you behind if you do that for too long. So I guess the moral I'll leave here today will be. Don't throw up too many excuses not to live, because pretty soon excuses are all you'll have.
Good Afternoon. Today my thoughts have been focused on being thankful for what I have. Despite all my faults or problems, there are so many other things I can be grateful for in my life. I have a supportive wife, four good kids, and even a grandchild on the way. So for me to sit and complain about my panic seems a bit silly if you think about it.
But in a way, isn't complaining or at least knowing things can improve a good thing? While there are parts of my life to be grateful for and I am. Realizing that I can grow is a promise to myself that despite situations handed to us, we can do better. Life is a journey of highs and lows and whatever area of that journey you can improve. Don't be afraid to improve it.
Good Afternoon. Earlier I wrote what I thought were some good words about compassion. But I had to excuse myself from the keyboard and when I came back and finished my post I was timed out and lost all that I had typed. If I learned a lesson from that I'd guess it would be, leave no computer unattended or more likely, don't take everything you say too literally.
Well I'm back and I'm thinking maybe a good note to leave would be about taking ourselves too seriously. You never know when you might have to "walk back" a statement or something you believe is true, then discover you were wrong. The situation here we all have in common, anxiety/panic, might give us a moment where I don't "feel" so in control. Your mind begins to race asking yourself, "what could it be". Oh, you can try to calm your racing mind and focus myself on the here and now, but some day soon that thought creeps back in.
When you suffer from too much "what if", as I do. Sometimes a good dose of "what is", is what you need to refocus. Our shared suffering already robs us of so much. So every now and then it's alright to take back some of the things we lost. Maybe it's walking in the park or having a conversation with an old friend. Whatever it is, don't allow the ghosts of "what if" steal your everyday.
Good Afternoon. Well it's been a few days since I last wrote. Since then I've kinda been under the covers, so to speak. I don't know if I'd call it a bout with depression as much as a just being tried of thinking about myself. I know that may sound weird to say, but every now and then writing and thinking about myself gets to be a chore. So I end up kinda like now, focusing on nothing. Maybe reading a book or listening to some music, anything but but me, myself, and I.
I think years ago it would have been called being melancholy, although maybe not that severe. I tend to have periods of this at times where I just don't want to be bothered with people. I'm sure most everyone goes through this. I think it can get bad though, when we feel like we are letting ourselves down or others down. Being that I'm not a mental health professional, just someone whom visits them a lot. I still think short periods of this are okay, because sometimes you just run out of things to say.
I'm fairly sure that's how it is with me. Where a little alone time is a good time to take a breathe and let it out.
Good Morning. I guess the biggest news I have is I'm out from under the covers, so to speak. The other news is I was offered a position with a business as an outside consultant. To be honest, it's more a sales position, which may not lend itself well to panic/anxiety. But I'm hoping that with the meds and therapy I can ease back into a "normal average life".
The one thing I think I can say for others is that we all want a normal average life. I wouldn't think any of us are enjoying our condition. So along with the various ways I've discussed at overcoming our shared problem. Being able to function like regular people is a dream we all want, that I'm sure.
So as I go through this new adventure I'll do my best to update everyone on my progress. Rather I succeed or fail, the point is to try. We know that this condition robs us of so much. So to try and improve ourselves is a good sign in itself. It shows us we are unhappy in this situation and want to be better. We can improve our situations, if we allow ourselves to try.
good luck with the sales role fduop I m sure you will be ok,I suffer with anxiety and work in a field sales role and get through each day ok.I do find it hard at times but its doable ,some days I even enjoy it a little :)
Keep us updated how you get on
This is part personal experience. The technical side is about exposure and I don't mean mooning people although that would be a distraction in some circumstances. Technically everything we do is based on past experience telling us how to do it. This is on the internet some where as the thought triangle. It is an eye opener for anyone who doesn't know it. It explains why off the deep end exposure doesn't work and slow and steady does. It is part of the CBT practice I used to get better.
Knowledge is power.
Davit
Good Morning. I just wanted to thank Mr Andy and Davit for the encouraging words. While I don't get too many replies to my posts (which could be telling me something). Hearing that you are not alone in a situation is always encouraging.
So if I have to leave a thought, it would be. Don't suffer alone. Rather through a site such as this, through clinical help, or even a trusted friend, suffering along doesn't help.
A little while ago I sent a note to a friend of mine that has encouraged me over the years. In that note, I mentioned that I'm feeling "better" and that I'm going to restart classes again. Along with that news, I mentioned to him that over the years I had learned that it took small victories to build my confidence and that defeat doesn't mean you're doomed.
After sending him that it got me thinking, that sounds like something that my friends at NMP might want to hear. As cynical as I can be, you'd think that passing out advice would be the last thing I would do. Still, as I live and struggle I want to be honest. And frankly the small victories I have experienced have really help me to accomplish a great number of dreams. But with the victories I have seen, there are many other victories I still desire.
I guess the point I'm working towards is, life for us is a battle. From the time we get up to the time we lay down we are in a struggle to see the next day. By facing those struggles we win, we lose, we live. And isn't that one of the things panic/anxiety robs us of, living. By making little steps, no matter how small, we are moving and isn't that what life is?
Good Morning Everyone. Well I guess I should say I'm sticking my toe back into the water again. My final two classes will begin April 14, and hopefully this will be the last time. I've been working steady since 2008 to get to this point, so I might as well finish the journey.
Lately a lot of attention has been directed at people with mental health issues. I myself posted a comment to a major American newspaper about the stigma of being labelled with a mental health challenge. And how that label can affect your life, career, and family relations. Over the next few days I received some favorable comments. But at the same time I also received a number of not so favorable comments.
In a way it doesn't surprise me that the general public feels the way they feel. For a millennia those of us with mental health issues have been considered "defective" or "broken". Without getting too political one would hope that in this age of information, people would take the time to inform themselves of the truth. But in reality many would rather stick their heads in the sand and stay ignorant.
we have a good organisation in the UK rethink.org that does a lot of charity work towards changing peoples perception of mental health and its stigmas.I am a great supporter of them.I went on a 12 week CBT group therapy course with them and it really helped me a lot
Take care fduop and ignore the bad comments you got, some people are just ignorant A holes
MyNameIsTerry
02-04-15, 09:51
Yeah, ignore the comments. If you look at the reader comments of any newspaper it has its far share of trolls and people arguing with them.
I sometimes tell people on here to access another forum for advice on finances but I always tell them not to divulge what they say on here because that place has its share of uncaring self opinionated people, its not like on here.
The charity MIND also has plenty of online service user stories and I'm sure the US charities will too.
People with any power are very careful what they say due to the backlash element, so you can guarantee that the ones dishing out the vitriol will be people who just don't matter in life.
I more than understand what you mean by trolls in the comment sections. So being able to come here and vent or look for support is a great thing. I would also like to stress how valuable this site has been to me. If you read my postings, I try and be open and honest as I can about my panic/anxiety. So having a forum with like minded individuals has been a Godsend.
My point here is to reinforce what MyNameIsTerry and what Venus have said, let's donate and support this site. I'm here in the US and donating was a simple thing to do. If I can spend money on Spotify, Netflix, and Amazon Prime. I'd be a hypocrite not to donate and support this wonderful site. Which I get as much out of, if not more, than the other three sites I subscribe to.
So hit that donate tab on the homepage.
Good Morning Everyone. Recently I had posted that I was considering "dipping my toes" back into the water of school and public work. Well I wanted you to be the first to know, I maybe diving in headfirst. I say that because I'm scheduled to begin classes again on April 14. Then this week I got an offer from a former employer to come back to work, which I accepted.
At the moment I felt real positive about doing this, but now that the confetti has fallen, I'm having second thoughts. But isn't that the way it always is? (Forgive my murdering of the English language.) We begin to feel some resemblance of normal, only to discover those old hidden fears and anxieties rising to the surface again.
I'm not going to end this post with some flowery affirmation or matra like "seize the day" or "quitters never win", I've gotten smarter than that. What I will say is, I'm going to do it by the spoonful. Taking each day as it comes, putting myself out there a little more and a little more. That's what got me through school so far and it's what I'll do to complete this journey.
Good Evening Everyone. Well this week I've been priming myself to do what I have to do, as far as, working with this business. For me the problem is to overcome my dislike of selling. I guess it comes from some bad experiences I've had in the sales field. The product I'm selling is a pretty good product and the people I work with seem to be really nice. It's just getting over that bad taste sales leaves in my mouth.
You may ask, why do you keep trying sales if you feel that way? I guess my reply would be, despite my condition anxiety/panic, I'm a pretty easy going person who genuinely enjoys meeting new people and making new connections. Which in a way is quite the oxymoron to my sometimes agoraphobia.
Still late in the day, after making myself plenty of excusing to call it quits. I pushed myself to get out of the room and make a pitch to a local business owner. I was received well by the owner and frankly felt really good when I left. I guess the moral to my little story is, sometimes being uncomfortable is what you need to get your ass out of the room.
Good Morning Everyone. The last few nights I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. Maybe it's the pressure I put on myself to do well at this position. Maybe it's just allergy season having it's way with me. Either way, it's not too far out of my routine, which is going to sleep okay and waking up around 3 or 4 am, except now I'm not going to sleep till 3 or 4.
I do "feel" a bit of physical tension, but as far as mental tension I don't "feel" that bad. This maybe due to the Prozac increase or that what I'm experiencing is purely a physical thing. Either way, I going to "take a chill pill" (other words relax and create) for a day or two. Then refocus on work.
During this current episode of panic (the last few years) I've thrown myself into such a cocoon of isolation. Getting out among the living maybe a root to the sleep tension. But while an important thing to consider, my heart tells me to allow my mind to relax and focus on now. I realize I put off a bit of a Buddhist vibe with the mediation stuff. But that along with my Christian upbringing have found a comfortable happy medium where I find peace.
Anyway, let me leave you with this thought. Change can be very uncomfortable, especially for someone as set in their ways as I. But every now and then, stirring the pot is a good thing. It allows the various parts of yourself to blend and marinate together, much like a great soup. Where when you start each ingredient has it's own value, but when blended with other ingredients creates a wonderful symphony of flavor. In other words, focus on yourself as a whole. Because good, bad, or ugly it's what makes you, you.
Good Evening Everyone. Getting ready to watch/listen to some baseball, my home team the Atlanta Braves are doing well. But I really wanted to mention a few things before the game.
For one I'm still not sleeping very well, as I mentioned earlier. I don't "feel" any tension as I had in the past with this problem. But just like clock work, I end up getting up around 3 or 4 in the morning and having trouble getting back to sleep. I also noticed I'm remembering my dreams where in the past I hadn't. This may not be important, the dreams don't seem real stressful. But for a long while I didn't remember my dreams.
My job is going okay, although I wasn't out much today due to rain. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else here has had this trouble. At least I have a therapist appointment Friday. This is yet another therapist, but hopefully we can set some ground rules and get off on better footing than the "texting therapist" I had last.
The only advice she gave that I thought was of value was that I "thought" too much. Which led me to some Buddhist teachings on meditation that I've spoke about. Which in a way is kinda funny (ironic) considering she was always pushing her own religious dogma.
Still I'm feeling pretty good anyway, just remember it's fighting the small battles that wins the war.
Good Evening. If I had to post a thought today it would be, misery loves company. I say that because at least I post here to relieve stresses that I'm feeling and also because I know that there are people in here that know the things I go through. So I hope you realise what I mean by misery loves company.
Putting our thoughts down for me is a stress reliever. I watched a bio on a singer yesterday and she discussed how putting down bad situations in song helped her deal with the stresses of life. Ironically, the artist wasn't Taylor Swift (bad joke). Still, it got me thinking about how I use this forum as a stress reliever.
I guess my point here is to say, you don't have to be alone with your panic. Although the majority of you on this site are an ocean away from me, it doesn't matter. By finding this site by pure chance, it has helped me greatly in finding myself. So don't let your panic/anxiety rob you of another day of life. Take every tiny victory you can. Because lots of little victories create a big solution.
Good Morning Everyone. For a minute I want to go off topic and talk about compassion. In my struggle to overcome anxiety/panic a lot of it has to do with my low self esteem. Rather it was brought on by others or just myself, not having a good healthy opinion of yourself can lead to a whole mess of problems including anxiety/panic.
In my life I can trace most of my problems back to a family that wasn't/isn't good at expressing love nor affirmation toward one another. Not to bog you down in the details but, looking back and considering my families background. While I could sit here and throw blame at some, I've decided instead to give compassion to those who hurt me. I've found that by doing this I'm actually watering the seeds of compassion on myself. You see, if you continue and allow yourself to water and grow the seeds of bitterness inside yourself. You're doing nothing but hurting yourself and your relationships. When I read about this in both biblical and buddhist text, it really opened my eyes to the anger I was holding against others and ultimately against myself. So learning to forgive and have compassion for others is really being compassionate to yourself.
I think the thing that got me really thinking about this today was reading the headlines this morning of all the hatred and bitterness in the world today. If we would only practice the true compassion we read about in our sacred text. There would be no room for hatred, killing, greed, or envy.
As we each go about our day, lets think about the grief we give ourselves for not being what we could. Instead give yourself some compassion and understanding and while you're at it extend some of that compassion to an enemy or friend that may have wronged you. You may soon discover that by extending love to others, you have also extended a bit of forgiveness to those tortured parts of yourself.
theharvestmouse
17-04-15, 20:30
Interesting what you say about your family problems with expressing love for one another. This is something that I feel has had a big impact on my life as well. While I love my parents and we had a good upbringing and they did their best for us I feel that there has always been a lack of physical showing of love. My two sisters also agree with me about this, as I got older I felt uncomfortable hugging my own parents and they also are the same.
Good Morning Everyone. I hate to sound like a "perky jerky" (someone who I think is way too perky all the time) but, despite what I know as fact. (That I'm broke, my body aches, not a lot of food in the frig, no prospects at work.) Still despite all that, I can't say I'm shouting from the rooftops. But my mind isn't sunk in a hole with no way to get out.
Is it my sheer will? Is it because I'm hopped up on my meds? Actually I think it's my mindset to look beyond what I see on the surface. And to be what I truly feel I can become. While this may sound very positive thinky or believe it, be it. I have more than a healthy realization of my limits because, I'm not pretty, I'm fat, and I'm over fifty. In American media that makes you a loser or even worst normal.
Aside from these realities, through planting seeds of love for myself and others, I know there are many positives in my life. For one I am working to better my health, despite myself, I have a strong independant family that think for themselves. And I have been blessed with the talent to express my thoughts clearly (?) so I can tell my story.
So to put a period on this post, I will say. Each of us has faults and it is okay to have a healthy realization of what those are. The key to overcoming the limitations our hearts and minds put on ourselves is to accept that we are not perfect, and that's okay. So while I'll never win Miss America, that's fine. I do know I have family that loves me anyway. And I know that by watering the talents that I do have, I may can write an encouraging word to a future Miss America.
The thing to do first is get to know and love yourself.
---------- Post added at 12:55 ---------- Previous post was at 12:26 ----------
Hello Harvest Mouse. I pretty much know what you're saying. It took me and my mom and dad a while to get comfortable saying "I love you". Thankfully, we got to that point before they both passed. Still even years later I get a twinge when I say "I love you". But it is an important thing to learn to say not only to others but to yourself.
Good Morning Everyone. Isn't it a bit ironic to feel you shouldn't post unless things are going bad? To be honest, that's how I've felt for the past couple of days. I mean life hasn't been perfect, but at least I'm not hiding under the covers. I guess life sorta' has a funny way of wanting to be told. Maybe I just identify with misery more so than with happiness?
Anyway, as I mentioned things are putting along. They may not be moving as quickly as I would want them, but moving is moving. Maybe that's the way we should think of it, moving that is. Because thinking back to some of my darkest times one of the things I hated most was that stagnate feeling of not going anywhere or doing anything.
Even when living in the moment you're moving from one moment to the next. Feeling trapped in stillness for me is a bad feeling. Seeing the world move and enjoy life while you just sit there. It's a feeling to me of waste of letting opportunities pass. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing an old man where a young man once stood wondering, "where did all the time go"?.
At times I battle those feelings of time wasted and unused. The thing is you have to not allow yourself to wallow in those feelings. It's natural to regret, but to regret forever is doing a disservice to you and others that love you. I guess my point here is, don't be ashamed of the good feelings and do not allow yourself to wait for the "other shoe to drop". Doing that guarantees you'll never have good moments. It can also rob you of opportunities to move yourself forward. If you allow your mind to dwell on the "what if's" too much. You'll never have many "could haves". Overcoming anxiety and panic are battles that lie at the heart of "what if's" and "could have's".
Good Morning. Well it's 10:15 AM here and the rain is falling, we had three beautiful sunny days this past week, so I will not complain too much. Here in this rural area which I live even on a good day it's an effort to go anywhere populated. So I'm happy my wife and I did our shopping and other business this past week. It gives me a day like today to just lay here and listen to the rain fall and have a moment of peace.
It's important for us to do that, in our American culture so much emphasis is put on running, running, and more running. Sometimes I see family and friends doing so much moving, I don't see how they ever enjoy everything. It makes me wonder how long it's been since they've stopped or even listen to thunder?
I guess my point here is with anxiety and panic a lot of it comes from our desire to be something else then what we are. We look at ourselves disappointed with what we see. Believe me, I can look in the mirror everyday and find a new fault. You see, there is nothing wrong with improving or desiring to change something. If that were the case, I would have never went back to school or work to improve my health.
No one is perfect and thankfully we are given opportunities to change. But healthy change only comes when we first love who we see in the mirror. Then from that point we can better ourselves or our situation. This has been a long hard lesson for me to learn and I still sometimes struggle loving myself. But once you plant and water that seed of love, the rest becomes a little easier. It is at moments like this when verses like, "love your neighbor as yourself", take on a new meaning.
Good morning everyone. Sad to say, I haven't long gotten up, but I have downed my daily drug store and at least one cup of decaf. But I waited to type while the thoughts were still fresh in my mind. Yesterday was kinda rough, my heart was beating irregularly and I was a bit uncomfortable all day. To be honest, I think the whole thing was more anxiety than actually physical. I maybe wrong, but after living with anxiety/panic for nearly 20 years, you kinda know.
But I slept fairly well and this morning I'm not feeling too bad. I guess my point in writing today is two fold. First I'm simple using this forum as my sounding board to relieve my anxiety. The second is to let you know that even with a string of good days, bad ones may still sneak in. The key is recognizing those days as what they are and remembering no one's perfect. Then don't beat yourself up when they happen, but look at it with love and compassion.
This is never a smooth process, it's taking me years to convince myself I'm worth my own love. So live each moment and don't live life waiting for the next panic attack. Just be aware when it does happen compassion for yourself is key.
Good afternoon everyone. Well I made it through the last few days. As am sure you all realize panic and anxiety can make you think things are never gonna get any better. At lest that's how it worked on me for many, many years. It took me totally reevaluating my treatment and mindset to bring me to the better place that I'm at now.
While none of this is perfect, at least the periods of dread are shortening. And I'm understanding more each day that the only thing I have control of is how much I respect my own value as a person. Because without that I might as well give in to the seeds fear, jealousy, & hatred.
I'm sure some of you are tired of hearing me beat the same old drum. But if the method works why change the station. Planting seeds of love with yourself and others is the best way to hold down those seeds of self destruction. Call it enlightenment or salvation or whatever, but when you decide to give yourself the love that others may already give you. Like myself you'll realize your worth fighting for, that is the key to overcoming our shared trouble.
Well that certainly sounds like a positive attitude, it should take you far as I know from personal experience. Like today, I got rained out of the garden which is okay especially as I love the sound of rain.
Good morning everyone. I usually give it a day or two when I post, but I felt I should mention this now. For the last few weeks, as you may recall, I have been involved in a new business venture. Well to be honest, I have kept my sales territory limited since I started. I want to work slowly out of my comfort zone and I thought this was the best way to do it.
Unfortunately, my success has been very limited. So I decided yesterday to expand my territory by contacting some friend outside my comfort zone and setting up some appointments. Here's the catch and the reason I'm posting. Ever since I got up this morning my body has been in total rebellion. By that I mean, being light headed, bad headache, and just a weird feeling of disorientation. All the classic symptoms of my panic attacks, all be it very mild.
You see today my wife and I had planned to visit our daughter some 40 miles away, then go out to dinner. Since getting up and feeling this way it occurred to me, that considering the decisions I made yesterday and the planned trip today, have set my panic into a tailspin. It's a bit ironic because after so many years of living with this this still occurs.
But I'm learning to not look at this as a failure or flaw in myself. It's just part of the nature of panic that is definitely not of mine or anyone elses choosing. Once you realize this is just another step in your battle with panic/anxiety, you realize by stepping out of your comfort zone, that "this too shall pass." It's not a perfect plan, but it has at times worked for me, even though I still panic. (Go figure?)
So my reason for posting this is two-fold. First to encourage others that are suffering and second to show the reality of it. By opening up honestly and freely to you, it not only shows it's a long-term journey, but also that it's a journey that can have rewards. Lord knows I'm far from perfect, but hey that's okay. With some understanding, a little insight, and just plain trial and error, hopefully we can deal with the hand we are dealt.
As a last note, Davit, thank-you for the kind words.
Now I got a trip to make.
Good Afternoon Everyone. Just dropping a short note to tell you all that we did make the trip to our daughter's and guess what, I didn't die, despite what my body was telling me all day long.
As I'm sure you all know, panic is a bit#h. Because even after our successful trip, yesterday evening and even this morning, I was physically exhausted. So sometimes even with a victory there is a price I pay.
But hey, mentally after some rest I'm feeling pretty good. I don't think I can stress enough the importance of tenacity and just plain stubbornness in living with panic. So while I don't think I'll be flying around the world anytime soon, getting my ass out the front door for now is a victory.
Good afternoon everyone. I tell you what as we say here in South Georgia, "when it rains it pours". Not that it has been a really bad week it's just as when you think you're getting ahead. You end up back in the hole (moneywise).
I'm not going and sit here and bore you with my money situation, cause I know we all have them. It is ironic how the daily pressures of life can gather together and create one big snowball. But what I and every one of you has to realize is trouble's come and trouble's go, it's all just a part of life.
One secret to living through trouble is looking for a silver lining in it. In my situation it's our refrigerator is giving out. But it could have been much worse, because we were going to buy groceries. If we had, we would be in much dire straits then we are.
I guess the teaching moment (Don't you hate it when people say that?) here is, panicking at times like this are not worth the effort. If I've learned anything in 50+ years it's that not every disaster is a disaster. That breathing in a good clear breathe can solve a lot of problems. You'll take care.
Good evening everyone. As you may know, here in the US Sunday is Mother's Day a day to celebrate moms. My family not being too much different than other American families, the kids took their mother out to lunch and an afternoon of shopping. I did not go with them because I thought it should be their day with their mom.
Over the years due to certain circumstances I've had to take the lead in raising our family. Due in part to this and the fact I'm a bit of a control freak, the pressure of playing both mom and dad, helped fuel some of my anxiety/panic. The reasons for me having to play both parenting roles is not the fault of anyone. It's like I've mentioned before, in life you play the hands you're dealt.
But over the years, despite my worst efforts, our kids all in their 20's are doing pretty well. Thinking about them still being unified and still a family, really eases some of the fear I used to carry worrying about what will happen to my wife and kids if I were gone. Watching them establish their own lives has granted me a certain amount of peace that they will be alright. Even worrying about the future of my wife and special needs son have been claimed due to the maturity of my other children.
I guess in a way, while even living with our shared illness. By simply doing the best we can, we can be rewarded (blessed) with the knowledge that things out of our control can still turn out okay. Like most everything in life, we live it moment by moment. So focus on the here and now and allow tomorrow to happen when it comes.
Good Morning Everyone. Would it go against our general way of thinking to be positive today? I mean, from other posts I have read we come here to share stories of our collective suffering. Now I don't say this to put down or to minimize someone elses pain. I guess somewhere even in the depths of my own suffering, I somehow felt a glimmer of hope.
At times I talk way too much about balance, while I hope that my message is coming out clearly. I pray that each of you understand what I'm trying to say. I feel that we are made up of both good seed and bad seed. I don't mean this to say one is better than the other or that one is evil and the other not. I simply mean we are made up of many various parts.
Within my early religious education I was told that the good should overcome the evil. That the evil must be case out. But as I grew up in a very religious home I felt conflicted and confused by my self. Thinking that for a long time things not of my own doing made me bad or evil. That the seeds planted within me must be cast away.
Maybe for some this casting away is an easy task. But still I've always had questions. Maybe I should be going in another direction then this train of thought. But this is an open forum to ask questions and discuss what could be the roots of our panic/anxiety.
Getting back to my point, are we to become mindless robots to an imperfect religious system? Or our we allowed to seek out our own path? Without trying to give a class on philosophy, which I was never any good at. My point is, I'm still searching. But what I have found so far is that we all live with yin & yang within ourselves. That a balance has to be maintained between the two. Not allowing the scales to tip too heavy between one side or the other. By trying to do this I'm discovering life isn't a perfect journey and that when I fail, that's okay. Because life is a work in process with each of us taking one step at a time.
Recently, I'm finding an old problem rearing its ugly head again, my old problem of paralysis. What I'm talking about here is not physical but mental. In other words, I can say and do all the right things to motivate myself; it's just that I still find myself not "really doing anything".
And as you all know, this only feeds into my self-deprecation and my wonderful habit devaluing of myself. In my life I have been granted certain gifts of thought and writing. I understand and can interpret things in many different ways. Yet while I may possess all these gifts, my mind I still struggle with thoughts of inadequacy and failure.
At times it can be a crazy cycle of “yes, I can” or “no, you can’t”. But I’m trying to teach myself that it’s alright to fail and that this is simply part of the process of living one moment at a time. But even now as I hear these words, they ring a bit hollow or “childish”. But that doesn't make the words are any less true. (Even I’m not that cynical.)
The thing I’m trying hard to remind myself of is, belittling myself relentlessly isn't doing me any favors. Self-critics like me have to remember that just like with children words can hurt, even when those come from ourselves. You have to realize we can be are our own worst enemy when it comes to being critical.
So as I and most of us should do, let’s cut ourselves just a little slack. Remembering the words of about the inner child within us all, the one that desires only to be loved. That in turn we allow that child to grow and mature and not to cower at our own destructive words.
Good Morning Everyone. (See, I don't forget this time.) I'm sitting here shaking the cobwebs out of my head this morning. I went to bed kinda late and didn't sleep very well. I had one of my famous wack-a-doodle dreams and woke up early just a bit :huh:. But other than that, I'm breathing and can still make it to the bathroom.
I apologize in advance to anyone looking for a pearl of wisdom here, but this morning all I got is a pocket full of lent. Still I think there is value in days like this. Because every day isn't gonna be jelly beans and daisies and some days are just uninspired and plain.
I would think that the value in :huh: days is that they give our overactive minds a rest. So that when we really need them, we're ready to go.
Well what do you know, a pearl. :D
Good Morning Everyone. Dawn is just breaking here on another hot southern day. I didn't sleep too well last night so I'm up "bright eyed and bushy-tailed", as my grandmother would say. The last few days I've been focusing on my business getting the word out, which is a big change from just a few years ago when I was hiding under the covers.
But for myself I have to remember to not outrun myself. I've had lifetime to develop all my poor habits and they aren't going away overnight. So slow and steady is the pace. I'll just leave you for now with this thought, one step forward is one step forward. You tell yourself that and I'll try to remind myself of that fact as well. But right now it's time for some motivation (coffee). So Goodbye.
Good Morning, again. Grandma said, "if you do something too many times, it becomes a habit". This getting up before the break of dawn is doing just that, still here me are. My dear wife is laying next to me just sleeping away. I cannot recall the number of times this has happened. As much as I love her and her flaws, at least she sleeps peacefully 98% of the time.
Today it's kinda the same old thing, my sinuses are stopped up and I'm worrying about stuff I can't control. Have I ever mentioned that that was part of my anxiety/panic, my need for control? One of the best ways to relieve anxiety but one of the hardest damn things to do is to just let go.
We have a number of problems going on like establishing a business base, broken down appliances, ever increasing bills, and starting school again. Each in it's small way is compounding the stress I experience. But to you guys I'm "preaching to the choir", as it were, because we all have trouble processing stress don't we.
But it is nice to have a forum to go to and type out my stressors and maybe even drop a pearl or two along the way. Here in the US it's Memorial Weekend a time when fallen veterans are remembered. This weekend between going to the beach and cooking out we should remember our fallen sons and daughters.
I guess I lement on that to say, no matter what troubles we face, others have faced them to. That here we have a place to share and unburden ourselves. So take advantage of this opportunity, instead of burying stress inside yourself.
Good Morning Everyone. I know I had just posted yesterday, but after my adventure last night I thought I'd update you on the imperfection that is me. I'm not making that statement so much out of self-deprecation as much as an honest statement of being human.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, after I woke up I had a fairly productive day working my business. In the evening I grilled some hotdogs and veggies then watched a movie. Overnight I felt a bit ill and out of it. I woke up at 5:15 am went to the big boys room, but still felt out of sorts. I felt (you notice I'm using that word a lot) like I was having a small panic attack.
After checking my blood sugar, what appears to have actually happened was my blood sugar was low. After correcting that problem I've been feeling better. I guess my point here is to say panic can come from many different places and the thing is to recognize what it is and be proactive. In my case today an actual physical problem brought on the panic, but sometimes that's not the case.
I feel (that word again) that mindfulness and focusing on the here and now has helped to discern why and how anxiety and panic are present. I realize I do harp on this subject a lot, but honestly other than drugging myself to death, it's the best tool I've found. But still, we each need to find our own best path. So everyone be proactive and take care.
Good Morning Everyone. Well it's 2:31 am here so most of you are having breakfast yourselves. It's become a bit of a rarity for me to get up this early, I usually get up around 5:00 then go back to sleep. I guess that goes to show that even the best of us struggle with that so desired lady sleep.
I am not going to say any particular thing comes to mind as to why I popped up this morning other than the usual suspects of sleep apnea and anxiety. At the moment I'm beyond caring, going back to bed is the goal. I guess if nothing else making use of this time to pour out some thoughts is never a bad thing though.
Funny how reading this back to myself makes me think I'm too damn much the optimist sometimes. But I'll accept what fate or whatever has give me (laughing at myself). Maybe that's part of the great hidden secret of living, never taking yourself too seriously. Maybe someday I'll figure out why I think that way. But of now to each of you "across the pond" Good Morning, and Good Night.
Good morning and guess what, it's 2:23 in the morning , again. I actually woke up to relieve myself when this wave of fear swept over me. My heart was pounding I was shaky and my head spinning, you know the usual panic suspects. Well I checked my blood glucose, which was fine. So I say the reason for my panic was the therapist appointment I have this morning.
To be honest this didn't really surprise me, because the first thing my panicked mind did was check my refills on my meds. To see if I could skip the two appointments I have today and tomorrow.
It just blows me away that after all this time (years) that I can still get this way just making the 50 mile trip to the doctor. In fact the main reason I'm posting at the moment is to show myself the sheer absurdity of my current thinking. Funny how a part of me can be so frightened, yet another part of me is asking, why?
At the moment what I'm writing now is a bit of personal self-therapy to show myself a little love. In that it's okay to be scared and that it isn't the end of the world. I realize I have a choice, I can make the appointment or I can stay home, either is okay. But to be honest, going would give me another victory over my panic.
I feel a bit better now, the panic has definitely eased. While I pray this is a help to you that suffer as I do. In a real way this forum just being here is a help to me. As the day processes, I'll inform you of what happens, so till then be well.
Good Morning, yet again. Just a brief update to last nights posting, I skipped out on the appointment, yeah I know. At the moment I'm trying to not beat myself up about it, but that doesn't mean I'm not.
I can give all kinds of excuses as to why I didn't go, but the main one is the increasing agoraphobia I feel. As many of you know, we don't want to be this way. And I know getting treatment would certainly help. But all that knowledge doesn't make to trip any easier.
So for the time being I'll have the "mulligrubs" about it, then hopefully feel better. The key is to not beat yourself up too much for being the imperfect person I am. If I had to pick a lesson to learn from this it has to be to realize we are all fallible and capable of screwing up. The key is to keep doing, warts and all.
Good Morning. I think this is my 3rd or 4th attempt at posting since the last one. It seems that everytime I think I have something to say I really didn't. But my weekend was good, I went out of the house twice to go grocery shopping and to take the family out to dinner. I had a bit of anxiety shopping (who doesn't) but dinner was nice and we actually had a good time.
Yesterday and today, I've been a bit "out-of-sorts", not really able to focus on any one thing. But when days like this come I try and remember it's okay. Not everyday is sunshine, fairy dust, and rainbows. Maybe that's what I can take from today, just let it flow. Tackle each situation as it comes and go what that.
So to each one that reads these things, I wish you peace. May the ramblings I write help you along your path.
Good Morning Everyone. I'm seriously considering posting something from my public blog. One of the things I've enjoyed about this site is the anonymity it offers to allow me to speak freely about my condition. Still over the past number of months I've been allowing myself to speak openly about myself and what I live with.
My point here isn't to say "shouting from the roof tops" about our shared panic/anxiety is best. It just seems for me it has given me some freedom to live without walls, if you get what I mean. But each of our situations are different, I simply wanted to say how it's working for me so far. Below is the post from my blog.
Waiting for the Crash & Burn
So far this work week things have been pretty productive. Sit through a couple of conference calls (without going to sleep) and have been working all day on establishing contact leads. So yeah, this week has been pretty good. The only problem for me is that I have been spoon fed so much self-loathing and self-doubt, that at some point I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So in other words, when everything looks like a sure thing, somewhere in my mind I'm thinking, "this should be ending real soon." At this point you may think some positive afformations could come in handy and I'm not saying that would be bad. What I try and remind myself of is that everyone goes through highs and lows. So enjoy the highs, but also recognize and learn from the lows. I hope you noticed I didn't say avoid them, just learn from them.
One of the best things I have learned recently is that life has a balance. The world can't run at high speed all the time and either can it stop dead in it's tracks. Once we realize that bad things do happen to good people, it becomes easier to accept it and move on. Now don't take my words and think this makes things any simpler or easy to take. It just like this one "horse pill" I take twice-a-day, you're going to need plenty of water to get it down.
So in closing I'll simply say, life is like a dramedy where the happy and tragic meet. What we have to do is not dwell too long in either pool and make the best out of each situation.
Afternoon. This kinda ties into my thoughts from yesterday. I had to take my wife to the doctor for a check-up. This requires me to drive a 40 mile round trip to her doctor. It also requires me to drive through a much larger city than where we live and sit for at least 2 or 3 hours in a strange office. To say the least I was maxed out uncomfortable. But I'm a little proud of myself, because I made it back home in more or less one piece. And the appointment went okay for my wife.
A lot of professionals tell us to push ourselves a little each day. Today I think I passed that goal. At the moment I'm a bit out of sorts with one more trip to make to the store. After that I think I'll reward myself with a shower and a nap. Getting better isn't easy, but it isn't impossible either.
Good Evening. This evening I was reading some articles in an online magazine called Salon. One article by Joanna Rothkopf (http://www.salon.com/2015/06/07/zap_mama_my_long_slow_dizzy_break_up_with_my_antid epressant/) about her long term use of antidepressants caught my attention. In it she tells her story of being on Zoloft for many years and the difficulties she has had getting off the antidepressant. I have the article linked under her name if you care to read it. But instead of focuses on Ms. Rothkoptf's story, which is already written, I have been thinking about my own journey with panic, anxiety, and medication.
After panic struck my life some 16 years ago, I was first prescribed Xanax by a general practitioner then I was abruptly pulled off of that by a young resident psychiatrist and finally put on Paxil. I used paxil for many years, but as many have said when complaining about anti-d's, I just don't feel like myself. So after about 5 or 6 years of taking paxil, I went cold-turkey. This is something I would not recommend, but I got over the withdrawals and lived med-free till two years ago.
If you read my posts you know my anxiety/panic came back with a vengeance and now I combat it with mediation, therapy, and medication (Prozac). I guess my desire to bring this up is, each of us must walk our own path. Your path to recovery may not be the same as mine or Ms. Rothkopf's. The point is make the journey. Find a path you feel comfortable on and if it gets too rough, take another one. In Joanna Rothkopf's journey and my own, we each didn't find relief until we made the trip to do so.
Good Afternoon. Well so far today has been an interesting one. At the moment I'm coming off a whopper of an anxiety attack, so as my heart slows down and light-headedness eases. I find it oddly strange that I'm typing and thinking reasonable well.
I guess after all these years of dealing with this thing, you sort of develop a funny relationship with the panic. It's like part of me says, "Oh God! not another panic attack!", when another part of me is saying, "Seriously, this again, really", at the same time. Has anyone out there ever felt like that?
I guess the reason I am here is to journal this episode, to pack it away for another time to mull around in my head. Currently when dealing with panic, I find that talking it out with myself tends to lessen the impact. In a way it robs the panic of it's power. It may not totally leave, but the aftershock is a whole lot lighter than if I ride it out full strength.
The secret is to let yourself know what you're feeling. Talk to yourself, realize it's not the end of the world and that this isn't your first attack or your last. Struggling against the current only pulls you under, by letting go you can float to the top of the wave. I personally don't swim, but that's what I heard.
Anyway to close, crisis don't always spell the end. In my situation today, seeing the extreme difficulty of it doesn't mean defeat, as much as, needing a course correction. Panicking about something may happen, especially if you're prone to it like me. But it doesn't mean to stop living or to stop trying. Because when you do, then the panic won.
Good Evening. In my world things usually churn along at a slow pace. But ever since my last post where my old friends doubt, fear, & shame came by to visit. Things have been clicking at a faster more positive pace.
I guess the most important thing was that out of the blue an experienced agent with the firm I work for contacted me about mentoring with him. It sounded a bit too good to be true, but at the moment he's helping me organize my call list and is going to help me "beef-up" my sales strategy. From what he has told me so far, I believe I can learn a lot from him. Plus the push he's giving me isn't a bad thing either.
So at the moment my head is in a good place. The thing is just learning to not only dip my toes into the shallow end of the pool, but to wade in a little deeper to achieve my current goals. Rather these are going to turn out to be good or bad moves remains to be seen. The important part for me right now, is that I'm moving.
Good Afternoon. Honestly, whoever is reading this you are the people I am the most honest with at the moment. One of my many problems I have with honestly telling someone my story is the type of advice they give.
By that I mean I'm really looking for someone to be a "sounding board", but what I usually get is someones opinion and personal philosophy. And considering most of the people I know, I love 'em, but them telling me prayer and snake oil will cure all my worries, isn't what this panicked out fellow really wants to hear.
If you read the last post I had a meeting with a new mentor. While the meeting went okay, inside I could feel the anxiety and panic swell. By the time we were finished it was all I could do to sting three words together and get off the call. It was funny because every obstacle I've encountered in my presentations, he blew right through with a clear response, while all I could do was stammer away. In fact the first few minutes after the call all I could think was how I should word my resignation letter.
Right now I'm not going to baptize myself or you in warm afformations. I'm just going to think about where I want to go and the things that I have set in motion now. Don't worry, I'll be uncomfortable for a little while, but that comes with the territory. I'll just take a day or two to get my priorities in order. Then I'll let you know.
Good Morning? It's a little after midnight here so I guess good morning would be the correct greeting. The day was spent mostly preparing myself academically and mentally for the class coming up Tuesday. While the last day or so have gone fairly smooth, a minor crisis has come up "jacking up" my good old stress level a bit.
You'd think after all this time and effort in getting "better" a little stress wouldn't stress me out so much, yet here I sit stressing. I feel that boundaries have to be pushed in order to overcome anxiety, But I guess my question is, how much is enough?
You all, stew over that question and I'll simply sit here and meditate on it and do a little searching myself. Good Night.
Good Morning. Well after a plain hot day yesterday (99+ degrees f) I rested fairly well last night waking up at 5:30 am our time. I was feeling a bit tense and panicky so instead of fighting it, I simple sat on my porch and went through a guided mediation.
I've mentioned before about mediating and quieting myself to focus on the anxiety, so I won't go over that, but I will say guided meditations work well when your mind is busy being panicky. It helps you to focus and look at the situation without too much personal effort.
Other than that, I started classes again today, which may account for the panic. Also yesterday I stated to my "bosses" that my priority is to finish these courses. But I continued by saying, that I'll remain committed part-time to the job at the moment. As a contact employee here, when I don't produce, I don't get paid. So when a moment if the opportunity comes where I can to sell, yeah!. We make money! So this situation for me takes a lot of pressure off the produce.
That can seem counter-productive to overcoming my anxiety/panic and living in general. But fortunately for me, others in the home are producers so for a time we've switched rolls as provider/caretaker. When typing this I wonder to myself, then why are you panicking? I guess the thing is, with most panic once the cycle begins it can take a while to jump off the treadmill. Boy, do I know that.
But understanding there is a treadmill is a good first step, then realizing wishing panic away doesn't help. But embracing it and learning to love yourself warts and all goes along way to relief. I'll keep you posted on my adventure, but "at the moment" things look well.
good to hear you posting that things look well,time is a great healer.Remain positive and you will stay on the right path
First thank-you MrAndy for the kind words. Good Evening. Man today was fun, it's my second day in class and right after lunch I was bent over with stomach pain and cold sweats. It was my best panic attack in a while but I breathed through it and after a little recovery I'm feeling much better. While I'm not 100% positive it was panic (it could have been bad salsa) my mind was racing telling me to give up my class.
Thankfully, it passed and it even rained some this afternoon cooling off our 100+ degree f temperatures. I guess my point is as always it's a day at the time trip with one foot in front of the other. So let's get walking. (God, I'm starting to sound like a bad affirmation poster.)
Good Afternoon. Well we are working on our second week of 96+ degree f temps. (Don't know how to convert C because I'm a lazy American.) Anyway, the Instructor I have for this course I'm retaking is older and wiser (yes, he's my age) and we get along well. So maybe the "third time will be the charm" with this class.
But the course isn't without it's stressors the complications in the formulas for me are mind blowing. I will so at this time I'm grasping the statistical concepts. It's nice to not be stressed, to feel that everything is going alright. This insane panic we all live under robs us all of the peace of mind we should have.
We all know that stress is just a part of life. But to live everyday with the hyper-reaction we have toward the slightest stressful situation. I don't know about you, but at this point, it just pisses me off. What I have to remember is not to be angry at myself. Because that just opens a whole other can of worms to deal with. We have to face our fear. By moving forward a little everyday loving and not condemning ourselves, we can beat this.
Again, I realize I'm starting to sound like a cheap motivational tape. But by understanding we hold the key to over coming this, you take control. Rather you do it through medical or cognitive therapies or both, there is light. If nearly 20 years of fighting this has taught me anything it is, peace within yourself is the best victory.
Good Evening. The last two days we have been blessed with some late afternoon rain. So at least the garden doesn't have to be watered and the guy that cuts my grass isn't kicking up too much dust. Well I completed my first week of class and it was a doozy. It took me over four hours to complete my first statistics test, which I got 78% correct and will consider that an "A".
While we did get some rain, I had some real stressors with some other things going on. But today I'm a bit sore but feeling better now that I figured out how to work a number of my stat formulas with a great tutorial.
Last night I got a note from a classmate of mine from my bachelor degree days. As we communicated back and forth today, I was impressed with how they were putting their degree to work, while I just felt "stuck in the mud". But after my victory over statistics today, even thinking of that could not soil my mathematic euphoria.
Good Afternoon. Well it's Friday more or less the end it an interesting week. Since I last wrote I got an interesting job offer from a property insurance company that deals with finance securities. It sounds demanding and the work is hard. I'm kinda moiling it over in my mind to see if this is where I want to go. But at the moment the focus is on school.
After spending two years of my life just getting over the panic/anxiety (which is still here), I am still under the idea of taking it slow. Because every time I'd feel better, I'd jump in head first back into school and end up nearly drowning. So you can see I'm sticking my toe back in very cautiously.
But even after a rough hot night last night, my spirits are good today. I got some stuff done for school and I thought I'd take some time to catch you up on my never boring adventure. So to everyone across the pond, be well and breathe.
Good Morning. Thought I'd login and leave a cheery note just to show that some days are diamonds and some days are just a rock. Today hasn't been written yet, so it's hard to judge, but at the moment my assignments are done it's been very quite and I'm about to read my Sunday paper.
But isn't that all we can count on, the moment we are in. By focusing on the here and now it relieves us of the burden of past regrets and the anxiety of what's going to happen tomorrow. I know it sound's all "new agey" and "kumbaya" down by the river, but it makes sense.
So as you struggle through your Sunday and the rest of this week, simply think about getting through the moment. Then the next and the next. Doing that relieves the burden of the past and the dread of the future. Live now.
Good Afternoon. Well I'm back, not that I really went anywhere. But I was kinda out of it for a day or two. Usually at the end of the month moochers like myself tend to run out of things like medicine and food. So I had to go underground and wait till I got my senses back.
Don't worry, I'm feeling better now that I've medicated up a few hours ago. To be honest, I don't think it's so much running out of meds as it is the thought of running out of meds. You know how the panicky mind works, looking for the next thing to panic about, well that's where I have been.
You just gotta take it one day at a time, one step at a time. That's all you can ask of yourself. So I'm sure I'll be spending the weekend getting re-balanced and re-oriented, as it were. So you have a good first weekend in July and beware of Americans being gifts.
Good morning. Ever since yesterday when I took my wife to the doctor I have just felt out of it. During the time we spent in the office my blood sugar dropped like a rock, but I got home and recovered. Then last nigh around 2 am I just felt rough, my sugar was okay, I checked. But I've felt anxious and tense since then?
I'm going to "assume" I'm letting my panic get the best of me. You know how it goes, when you throw fuel on a fire. I guess the thing to do is ride the wave, cause this to shall pass. But saying that sure doesn't make the ride any easier. Plus I believe I have a bit of what we call, a summer cold, which only fans those anxious flames.
Anyway, I'll keep everyone updated about my mini-soap opera of a life. Till then I'll try and float through the tide and breathe.
Good Evening. Well it's 10:45 pm my time and I just turned in my last paper for the week. Normally I'd take a break Monday, but I have to take my wife for some test at the hospital. I hope to get back and have a chance to retake my Statistics quiz for the week. My first score was so bad, it can only go up.
As you may can tell I'm feeling a bit better. I can't really explain other then my mind has been so occupied with getting school work done, I can't think of anything else. But that's BS, simply because it's usually when I'm busy that the anxiety and confusion kick in. Anyway, everyone have a good night, maybe later I'll have a good story to tell. Hopefully, a good one.
Good Morning. It's Tuesday morning here and I'm settling in to another fun filled day. Yesterday at the hospital was "fun", spent over 3 hours on various tests. Which I shouldn't complain about since I wasn't the one getting poked and prodded. But we made it, all be it very difficultly, which I should be proud.
Still I woke up this morning after a uneasy nights sleep. Before my meds could kick in, I was feeling pretty rough. You know how it goes, worry about this, worry about that, but instead of drowning out the noises I took my own advice and said to me. "Listen, I get that you're stressed about a number of things, and that's natural." "But hiding under the covers isn't going to solve a thing." " Just focus on the task at hand and allow yourself to breathe, this to shall pass."
I'm not saying this is a magic pill but, letting yourself know you're moving one step at a time does get things done. Remember we are all fallible and very prone to missing up. But that is the human way. Lord's knows I don't have all the answers. But at least I'm looking and that's all we can ask yourselves to do.
Good Afternoon. I was going to login last night but for whatever reason, I couldn't access the site. Last night wasn't too good, I woke up around 2 am with my heart just pounding having myself a pretty good anxiety attack. I call it that because I don't have panic attacks as severe as I once did, but they do still effect my day to day. My attack was due to my worry about the current course I'm taking in school.
I lay in bed trying to chill with the thoughts that were running every was way through my head, yet again. But somehow part of my mind thought, "even if you quit school, yet again, where do you finally draw the line in the sand?" So despite the pressure I logged in to my school website and discovered that the very thing I was panicking about, a grade on a paper, I had made a perfect grade.
While I do struggle with this course, my average so far is around 87% which is definitely a passing grade. Besides this is the last regular course I'm taking, with the next course being my capstone class that test and cover what I've already taken and passed.
I guess my point now is to say, if we allow ourselves to run it may be a quick fix, but does that fix anything? If we can only allow ourselves to face what we fear and not judge ourselves as being weak. Every how and then we can surprise ourselves by making it through these things.
But should we really be surprised? If you give yourself the chance, you maybe impressed by the things you can do. So give it a try.
Hi fduop
I agree completely with what you say about quick fixes,and facing up to things.
I'm always surprised that things are never as difficult as I thought they would be when I've just got on and did them.
I try and live my life that way now,as I feel I've wasted enough time avoiding and dwelling.
Well done with dealing with the panic attack,and congratulations on the grades youve been achieving. :)
Good Morning. Last night I thought about posting, but I just couldn't come up with anything worth mentioning. In mean the weekend was hot (normal South Georgia, USA), I got my assignment done for school (normal), and I slept through most of the night (again, normal). So what news did I have?
After I closed the lid on my laptop it occurred to me, maybe normal is worth writing about. I mean I spend a good deal of mine and your time discussing what's going wrong and how to overcome it. Just maybe when things finally do go right, it's time to mention that.
Sometimes I find myself talking about all the crap I go through. But not a lot of time just being normal, isn't that the goal of each of us? So today, I'm celebrating the normal I'm having today. And my prayer is that each of you can have one too.
well done fduop ,normal is good ,normal is a step in the right direction,normal is something to be proud of as its your hard work that got you there !
Good Afternoon. While earlier in the week I was going through a phase of normal, the last few days, especially today, I've been "feeling" tense and out of it. So much so that I was really wondering which way was up and have had problems wrapping my head around this week's assignments.
As all this was going on my head was spinning, my stomach was in knots, and my focus was nonexistent. I finally put every thing down and focused on nothing. Mind you, I didn't go into a mediation, I just allowed my spinning mind to rest a few minutes. After a short time of that, my focused improved and my stomach eased up.
Right after this occurred I knew I was going to have to write this down. Not so much to show how I'm overcoming panic. But to show that even when we feel our best this specter of anxiety/panic can come up at a moments notice.
Another point I'd like to make is staying vigilant about panic isn't a good thing either. I may not be a trained counselor or psychologist, but I've lived through this long enough to have an opinion. If you stay on edge waiting to fight anxiety/panic at a moments notice, you're still not living either. Being wise enough to see the signs and working to let go have been my best tools at being my normal self.
This has not been an overnight victory, it has been a continuing journey of many years. Another thing I've learned is, being vocal and not cowering in a corner about my situation has really helped me overcome and find support. So don't sit in the dark and hide, open the windows of your soul and live.
Good Hot Afternoon from South Georgia, USA. I figured since I had a minute or two I'd drop a note about how things are. Well this is the finally week of this course. While the time in these classes are short they are very intense. Cramming a lot of information into a very small time frame. But it appears "third times the charm" and at worst I'll past with a C, but I'm working toward a B.
I suppose the thing I wanted to mention is despite the many setbacks I have had over the past number of years. Ground is being gained with each small victory. I started my most recent academic journey in 2007, but actually it goes back to the mid-1990's. When I started my most recent journey, I had a pretty clear vision as to what I wanted to do. But since then my focus and technology on general have changed.
Now that I'm one course away from my Masters, the greatest thing I had learned is that despite the setbacks I have had (or you may have had for that matter). They can be crawled through at the very least. I wanted to say overcome, but you know I like to keep it real. Because the journey isn't pretty or fun or easy.
So before I dive neck deep into this week of term papers, PowerPoint presentations, and final exams, I'll say this. Sometimes to get what you desire, you have to get uncomfortable, scared, and dirty. But if you didn't the victory wouldn't be as sweet.
Good Evening. Seldom do I write when I'm in a good mood. I guess it's because I use writing as an escape from the depression and pressure of my anxiety. But this evening I'm hoping I can bore somebody besides myself with the fact I "feel" pretty good.
I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about when I say that, because I (we) spend so much time trying to pull ourselves out of our funk, it's all we know. So when a decent day comes along it's kinda like getting a break and not knowing what to do with your hands.
So what I'm trying to do is simply enjoy the moment while the moments here. To not dread the days to come, but to take peace in the here and now. Because when you think about it that's all we really have, right here, right now.
Happy Monday Everyone (if there can be such a thing). Just a quick update to the weekend. The funny thing about being in school you usually don't get a weekend off, even in an online setting. Since we have individual and team assignments to do, you have to compromise and work with others on their schedules, as well as, your own. Which means I usually have to work on stuff throughout the weekend, and since this is finals week it made it extra fun.
But enough moaning and groaning, it is what it is, so I bite the bullet and move on. Still the weekend wasn't without some anxiety issues but as I reflect on it, they were minor compared to pass adventures.
I suppose if I had to focus in on something profound to say it would be. As much as our minds short circuit when panicking breathe in and try to focus on the moment at hand. I'm not saying this works every time for me, because it doesn't. But what does usually happen is I remember this to shall pass. This my not be a cure all for our shared situation, but hey it's free.
As a side note I've been asked, why don't you write a book or something? I guess my response would have to be, why? So far posting here isn't a lot just donating to the cause when I can (which we should all do). Plus I simple don't want to miss lead anyone by saying "I have found the cure", because I haven't.
I'm just one guy hoping that maybe something I write can help someone else. Isn't that worth donating too and paying the Internet bill for?
Good Evening. Just wanted to drop a quick note to let everyone know I finally passed that damn Statistics course that as hounded me for a year. Not only did I pass,but I raised my GPA by 0.02 points. Now all I got to do is got through the next six weeks of capstone course test.
Good Afternoon. In a way I kinda wish I had taken a week off between classes. It's been a while since I've done back to back courses. The courses may not be long (just 6 weeks) but with the amount of work expected, it's a six to seven day job. But enough whining time to take a minute and tell you about my oh so uninteresting life.
Which as we discussed earlier is the end goal of at least my journey. For so many years I've lived under the watch of panic and anxiety. That honestly it's a bit weird still to have a "normal" day. But in some twisted way I've been wondering if this whole panic thing hasn't been a blessing in disguise?
Hear me out, would I have had the drive and fortitude to make it to this point without the specter of panic? Before the panic started my family and I were starting a new career and getting ready to buy our first house. Maybe the panic saved us from something that could have happened?
Alright, alright, I hear you. You're all saying, "but it sounds like things were going great BEFORE the panic." You know, you maybe right. Trying to spin a positive out of a negative situation maybe just a little too much. Maybe what I should be saying is, life handed me a rotten apple. The positive is that I didn't settle with just that rotten apple and I worked to get a better apple.
Maybe too many times we just settle and hope for good fortune. When what we really should be doing is creating our own fortune. Now I'm not saying grab and grab till you had your fill. What I'm saying is work to be the best person you know you can be. My path isn't your path and my success isn't your success. Simple do what your heart and mind knows you can do.
Good Afternoon. I figured it's been a few days since I posted so I thought I better say something before I really get busy this weekend. It's been one of those weeks where things have been going pretty good. So you know in the back of my mind I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Other than that, while I still carry a bit of doubt about things looking brighter, they do appear to be. I hate sounding like a Debby Downer but anxiety can sometimes make you that way. So I'm simply walking one day at a time seeing what life brings.
While I may not have some prophetic word to pass along, if ever. I hope each of you can feel better (if we'll ever learn what that is) and live the life we are worthy of.
Cheesemonster13
07-08-15, 08:30
Just wanted to write and say how much I enjoy your posts and how helpful I find them. :)
Good Afternoon. For the last few days I've been pretty busy putting assignments together for school. Today was going to be my day off more or less. Yesterday in the evening I felt a little rough and lightheaded. I slept pretty well last night and this morning got up to "get my ducks in a row" for the week.
But after I finished on the computer I felt really lightheaded with my heart pounding a little hard. At first I thought maybe I was hungry, but I don't think it was that, so I laid down and closed my eyes for a bit. Today I have to take my wife to the doctor again, and I don't look forward to those trips.
My only guess would be it's a bit of anxiety from this course and dealing with my wife's problem. Like I've said before anxiety/panic has a way of creeping up on you when your guards down. Which I think happens, although I really wished it didn't.
I'm gonna try something new for me. I want to ask you out there what you do to fight the panic. Do you breathe through it? Do you ignore it? Do you pack in the meds? I mean 16+ years of this can wear you down.
---------- Post added at 14:26 ---------- Previous post was at 14:21 ----------
Cheesemonster13
Thank you for the kind words. Not very often do I get replies but when I do it's really nice. So thank you.
I ignore it and carry on as if it isn't there,each time it loses its power
Keep going fdup you will get there in the end
A few days ago I was feeling pretty much out of it. Since then I haven't felt much better, if anything physically it's gotten a little worst. But mentally I feel on track again, maybe it's the idea that this whole thing was a physical bug and not something else.
Still isn't that the way it is with us? The consist worry and anxiety somethings going wrong. Often I feel like I'm "beating a dead horse" with this subject (my apologies to horse and animal lovers), but when you deal with these problems. It's just the stuff that floats in your head.
I guess we should just move along and do the best we can. Lately I've been feeling a bit stagnate, like a bowl of water that just sits there and get's stale. I feel it's time to move. But while I do feel these feeling, at the same time I get totally freaked out about moving, crazy ain't it?
I guess at the moment I'll keep taking the steps forward that I can. They maybe small steps but they're steps. Be mindful about your moments and let's all do what we can.
A few days ago I was feeling pretty much out of it. Since then I haven't felt much better, if anything physically it's gotten a little worst. But mentally I feel on track again, maybe it's the idea that this whole thing was a physical bug and not something else.
Still isn't that the way it is with us? The consist worry and anxiety somethings going wrong. Often I feel like I'm "beating a dead horse" with this subject (my apologies to horse and animal lovers), but when you deal with these problems. It's just the stuff that floats in your head.
I guess we should just move along and do the best we can. Lately I've been feeling a bit stagnate, like a bowl of water that just sits there and get's stale. I feel it's time to move. But while I do feel these feeling, at the same time I get totally freaked out about moving, crazy ain't it?
I guess at the moment I'll keep taking the steps forward that I can. They maybe small steps but they're steps. Be mindful about your moments and let's all do what we can.
Hi, i know how you feel. I feel stale and I also feel stuck. I am living in a small apartment which is part of my mothers house, my sister lives here as well. I feel like I am living on a commune. I hate it and yet I cant move at the moment as I am not working. I love my family very much but I also know that I need to have my own space and also one where I can be with my sons. Messy divorce and I ended up back home. I feel like the most underserving person on the planet. Things I want like a home, normal family life, I dont have. Stagnate is a good word. I am on third week of upped Prozac dosage and also going through side effects. Will stop now as I am sounding like Eeyore :wacko:
Eeyore is the man or the donkey as it were. I always felt Eeyore was a closet optimist myself. With everything you're saying bk your "preaching to the choir" as we say here. Back before all hell broke lose, I was married the first time and we had a bad breakup. Fortunately, we only had one cat and no kids, but we did have some property between us which she now has. But for myself that was a very long time ago.
All I can say is give Prozac a little time is does have to work into your system. Other than that putting your thoughts down either in a notebook or on a forum like this goes a long way to freeing yourself. Even when unemployed try and move a little, clean the weeds out of the garden, clean the garage, write a blog. Let yourself know you have value and you're worth your own love. So love your sons and yourself with one simple step you can move forward.
Good Evening. After a long totally unrestful weekend it's Monday! You see the way my school works is the week runs Tuesday thru Monday, I know. Since most students in the program have regular jobs it means most school work is saved for the weekend. So when working on a team project it means no weekend for me.
Oh well, it is what it is, and it's been this way since I started this program. I guess you can call this my day off, all my assignments have been turned in, just waiting on the team to finish up their sections of the work. Which usually means I'm up till 3 am dragging them kicking and screaming to the finish line.
But enough about me and my sad little world. How are you doing? It might seem like a silly question to ask since you're logged into a panic support site. But hey, we all gotta have a hobby.
I guess my thing is, stress pushes each of us everyday. Many of us to the point of panic and despair. And while I have yet to receive my magic pill cure, I know you haven't either. So what are we suppose to do?
For one we do the best we can to make it through the stressed filled days. Then be grateful and enjoy the less stressful ones like today for me. All we can ask of ourselves is to live the best we can each day. And while some days nothing gets done (yes, I still have those) others can be fill of joy and success. It all depends on how you can best get through that day. Without laying a giant guilt trip on yourself for failing, because we all fail every now and then.
Good Afternoon. Well next to being in the hospital a little over year ago, yesterday pushed my stress to new heights. Our daughter went into labor Wednesday morning and had the baby around 1 pm our time. The problem came with the hospital shutting out the family from any contact while the birth occurred. Which is very different from our own experiences where the family was updated, oh well.
Baby and mom are doing just fine. I figured since her boyfriends family has this weird need to "crowd", we'd give them and the baby some space till Saturday. When we left the hospital around 6 pm, I was totally spent and slept about 12 hours last night.
But I'm proud of myself I got through it okay. I guess it takes life moving forward to remind us that things move and change despite us. So we might as well move with them, anxiety and all.
Good Morning. Well it's been a few days since the baby's birth, my daughter and son-in-law (?), and baby are adjusting well. So today I had enough confidence to take my second capstone exam. Needless to say whatever good mood and optimism I had in passing this course got shot to h#ll rather quickly.
Without boring you with the details, I scored very poorly. In order to receive my degree I had to keep a B+ average in this course, which I barely was. Now? This fct leads me to this, should I quit while I'm ahead and save myself the misery? Or should I continue on and hope for a miracle?
I hate to think of myself as a quitter, but to be honest I am so drained from these last two courses, it's all I keep on my mind. Anyway, I'll stew on this a while and update you later on this soap opera that is my life.
Good Afternoon. I'm writing on a Tuesday and it's a new week of class, Week 5 of a 6 week course. Every other week in this class has been hard, then really hard, this week is just hard. I have faith I'll pass the course just fine, it's just that my GPA has to stay at a certain level to receive my MBA. But we have contingency plans, just in case.
As you may have guessed my mental state is good at the moment. I discovered a long time ago if you bottle-up things the pressure inside tends to cause an explosion. So it's best for me to allow myself time "mullygrub" about the situation and get on with life. Believe me when I say, it's not as easy to do as it sounds. It took me a real long time to use it effectively.
But at the moment I'm feeling a bit better physically (sinus issues) but it is nice to focus on class and the challenge myself with dealing with subjects I once knew nothing about. So take care and I'll check back in later.
Good Afternoon. Well I hope this is my last week in school, if my GPA is enough. This Instructor isn't making it any easier. The sad part is it's the fundamentals he stresses more than the actual content. But that's neither here nor there.
I figured I'd drop a line while I had time because this weeks a doozy. With the finals, class discussions, team assignment, individual assignment and powerpoint presentation. Needless to say my week is full. But hopefully in a few weeks I'll have good news about graduation. Till then live your moment.
I was typing away when everything I typed disappeared? Oh well, like my grandma used to say, "if it ain't one thing it's ten." Anyway as I was typing, I woke up with some really bad heartburn yesterday morning. Since I was up, I checked my class email. In it I found my grade from the previous weeks assignment. Mind you, I have to maintain a 3.0 average to graduate. Needless to say the assignment dropped my GPA to 2.89, with one week left.
My heart dropped and a major panic attack came on, along with my raging heartburn. To make this long sad story shorter, I ended up calling an ambulance. The good news is, two more emergency workers know I have panic disorder. Plus I found out I wasn't having a heart attack, just acid reflux. But here's the really weird part.
After the EMT's and their bright shiny lights left the neighborhood, I considered just quitting the class right then and there. I had 3 assignments to finish up by Monday, why cause myself anymore pain or grief? But after a few hours of rest and a good pity party, I got up completed my paper, have half way finished my PowerPoint presentation, and have just one 750 word commentary to complete.
Don't ask me why, maybe I'm just crazy this way now. Because not too many years ago, I would have ran and quit at the drop of a hat. Now despite the doctor visits, the panic, the agoraphobia, the sleepless nights, the telling perfect strangers overseas my sad, sad tales, and now my burning chest. I'm still trying to finish this course with no guarantee I'll even graduate.
I hope you see the humor in this, I'm still trying too. I suppose the point should be, even without the diploma I've worked 3 years for, I finished what I started. And that should be reward enough, even though it doesn't pay the student loans.
It will be a few weeks before I get the official word rather I graduated. But I will past the class, which is victory enough for this course. Right now I'm going to try and get a little sleep before finishing up my class work, So to all you reading this, Good Night.
Good Morning. Well I know it's only been about 24 hours since my last post, but with that class over, now I got nothing but time. The only thing I can report about the class is I'm finished, maybe? I all depends on the grade I receive this week, we should know something in a week or two.
Other than that I can now add Acid Reflux to my list of illnesses. Yesterday and last night I could only sleep sitting up. As you may know my healthcare situation is "none" meaning I don't have health insurance to see a doctor unless I pay cash (which I have none of, god bless Capitalism). But I'm using some "home remedies" such as herbal tea and non-processed whole foods, which I have access too. One thing this does do is put me in a rear permanent sitting or standing position, which gets me off my ass to deal with my long-standing back issues. Like I said, if it ain't one thing...
Despite all this stuff, I feel surprisingly optimist (why?????) I just wish I can learn to sleep sitting up. But Sunday was a good reminder that panic and anxiety are things I got to deal with better. Not that I'm not doing okay, but I can see room for improvement. Well I'm going to make some breakfast and drop a few dozen meds. Everyone thanks for listening to sad story and live each moment.
Good Evening. Well it's 7:17 pm my time here in the states and I just wanted to catch you up as it were we are. No my final grade for my class hasn't posted, so we still don't know if I graduated. I wish I could say I passed with what I've already made, but I honestly can't say that; nearly half our grade rides on one paper. If it were a truly academic paper I would have wrote it that way. But in reality it was written as a real world proposal, so in my experience you cannot write academically when selling an project. But this instructor wants both and my grades so far have reflected his stupid ideal. I have had no other instructor to blindly follow those strict guidelines on this types of projects. But that's okay the team I worked with on the project let our opinion be know in our course evaluation.
But enough grippin' and moanin' as we say here (sorry, that's not academically approved). While the last few days have been spent experiencing some discomfort from the acid reflux, today was a banner day. In that I've been sweating bullets of sheer burning pain in my esophagus. So now if I sound a bit jovial, it's because I feel a bit better after drowning my esophagus with every remedy under the sun.
I suppose my point here is I'm really physically and mentally tired. But if I sleep now when 3 am hits I'm wide awake. I suppose the big thing I can say is not everyday is sunshine and candy drops and sometimes you just got to suck it up and move on.
Good Morning. Well I sucked it up and I made it till about 3 am. Apparently one of the med's I had taken took hold and my reflux for the moment is at bay. As usual I slept till about 3 am, now I'm wide-eyed and bushy tailed awake. I don't really have anything else to say other then I do feel much better. I'll check in later, now I'm going to try and go back to sleep. (Don't everyone laugh at once.)
Good morning everyone. And guess what, it's 3 in the morning. I know that the sole reason I am up is due to waiting on that damn grade. While I'm controlling my breathing I'm still sweating and my heart is pounding really hard. But you know what, I'm more mad at myself for allowing myself to get this way. You'd think after all these years of treatment, meds, and therapy, I 'd kinda have the routine down. Yet here I sit, sweat dripping off my face in a pure panic over something I haven't seen yet, the grade.
But that's the reason I'm writing, partly for your benefit, but mostly for mine. To remind myself there is more to who I am than that grade. That that grade is not a measure of who I am. That that grade isn't the end of my life, that the panic and anxiety I feel are not real threats to my life. In Buddhist teachings we have to realize that the voices within often cry in fear. That instead of running or ignoring those cries we are to embrace them and love them. My biggest problem along with a lot of you is once the pounding and fear ease. We so easily turn back to old habits that got us in trouble in the first place.
One of the solutions to this is to live in the moment, not the past nor the future. While living in the moment focus on what's in front of us, like right now my focus is on writing this note. The thing is we all need to be honest with ourselves and realize we are not Superman or Wonder Women. That we are just you and I. So in closing I'll simple say, since I am up, I'm gonna to meditate and embrace the energy that's holds me hostage. And let that energy know I am more than the some of my fears and that I see and embrace you.
Good Morning. I think I've solved my 3 am wake up times, it's because I'm now living on London time. Because if I'm not mistaken its morning there now, so congrats you've turned this Southern Redneck into a Brit, with his own funny accent.
Two things you may have figured out (1) I'm feeling better (2) My mindset is improving. Well you'd be sorta right on both counts. While I'm still dealing with this truly capitalist illness of acid reflux, my mindset, attitude is improving. The reason being I passed the course with a 81.92%, which means my GPA stands above 3.0 which means I graduate.
You'd think I'd be a bit more excited, but honestly I'm not sure if it's being sick that has sucked the excitement out of me. Or the fact I was so singly focused on finishing that the struggle was the reward (deep huh). Or I could be simply talking out my ass, who knows?
I suppose for now it's time to reflect and see where we are going next. At the moment I have a doctors appointment in the morning to try and resolve the reflux situation. Toward the end of the week I hope to reestablish with the mental health center, while we still have one, and see therapist there again. So see even Buddhist can make plans.
It is my desire that my rambling is helping someone out there. I don't do this for show or to sell anti-anxiety cream out of the back of my truck. I figure since the site operators give me a platform to tell my sad story. I might as well be as honest as I can be. Despite my poor grammar skills and tendency to repeat thing over and over again.
Good Morning. The pass couple of days I've been doing my acid reflux treatment and not trying to use my brain too much. I've felt out of sorts at times and my lower belly has felt extremely bloated. This has caused my mind to plant all kinds of thoughts to my head about losing my breathe and out getting enough air. This in turn has been killing my sleep and even now woke me up wishing I could sleep some more.
But why fight the power? I simply decided to get up and jot down my thoughts, hoping this may help me sleep. Sometimes I believe we live in our thoughts too much. Many teachings tell us to let go my unwanted or unneeded thoughts. My thoughts at least too many thoughts of what if or how will I. These thoughts seem to full up valuable space and rob me of my peace.
What I don't believe I take enough time to do is simply breathe and allow the thoughts to just float away. I suppose a good example could be, the limited hard drive on my smart phone. I can try to keep uploading information on it, but after awhile it won't upload anymore because of a lack of space.This in turn gums up the whole system and slows the machine down. But if I clear out the unneeded junk, the phone runs faster and much more smoothly.
Apparently there's a good reason to tell you all of this or maybe it's just to mind my
self. That every so often the clutter has to be cleaned out before it gumms up thr whole works.
Good Afternoon. It's been a while since my last post, so I figured once I got a little better I'd let you know what's going down. This past Tuesday evening I was having trouble catching my breath. I contacted the local EMT's and they discovered nothing out of the ordinary with my BP, Heart Rate, Sugar Levels but I had them transport me to the local ER. It was there after some blood work that instead of having acid reflux, I actually had a good old fashion heart attack that past Sunday. That what I thought was bloating was actually fluid build up from my damaged heart. So essentially I was drowning in my own fluid.
After 7 days in the hospital I was drained of more than 8 liters of fluid and had a stint put in a clogged artery. I just got home yesterday and believe it or not my acid reflux is gone. At the moment I'm on 3 weeks limited activity then six months rehab.
But enough about my sad story, I simply wanted to say that prolonged stress and anxiety can be a killer. That despite my best efforts and knowledge of my situation, I can be broadsided by something out of the blue. I guess the point should be don't take your physical health lightly. That while stress/anxiety demand your attention, other things can be going on that can be far worst.
Good Afternoon. Just waited to drop an update for those who want to know. Feeling better each day whatever they did to me seems to be working. One of the interesting after affects of this thing ha been my total lack of anxiety. With the exception of traveling yesterday and dealing with stupid (don't ask), I've felt pretty good.
Good morning. I hate dropping just these short notes, but my doctor is wanting me to take it easy for 3 weeks after getting the stent. Just wanted to let you'll know my blood work from yesterday came back good and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not sure it's the medication or life after death, but I feel pretty calm. Maybe the adventure I've went through for the last few weeks has just exhausted my anxiety/panic reflex? If anything I'm a bit bored, but still, this time not over thinking things has been refreshing. So make a note of that.
Good afternoon. Well this morning I wasn't "feeling" too good and to be honest I think I was having a lite panic attack. But as the day wore on, I'm feeling better and getting ready to watch our college team play Amer. football against a division rival.
I'm not sure why I felt so out of it other than the weather being a little out of wack (hot to cool). But I'm spending my days on the mend without doing too much over thinking or over-analyzing my current situation. I suppose all the stressing I did over the week after my heart attack may have helped me meet my stress quota. Whatever it is hopefully this period of decreased stress can bring some renewed clarity as I move on.
Good Afternoon. I had a little trouble with a virus (computer) a few days ago, but hopefully we got that cleared up. The last few days have been a bit rough at night from a few panic attacks keeping me from sleeping well. But today I went to the doctor for a check-up and discovered I'm retaining a bit too much fluid. So she made an adjustment to my meds and told me pull back on my liquid intake. Other than that, I checked out okay.
If you recall earlier posts, I wasn't having much trouble with panic/anxiety after returning from the hospital. But as you can see, my old friends are creeping back into the picture. While the attacks have been lite compared to past ones, as you well know they can still be uncomfortable all the same. If I'm learning anything from this most recent adventure it is knowledge is power. Now that I have a better idea of what's really going on physically with me. That fear of the unknown is one less bullet in the arsenal of my panic.
Another thing that's interesting to note is even as I've been having these recent attacks. A part of my mind knows these are panic attacks and is informing that freaked out part of my head, "hey, it's okay." Wild isn't it?
Good morning. At the moment I'm feeling okay other than having to relieve myself every few minutes in the bathroom. But the doctor increased one of my meds which pulls fluid from my body, so you all know what that means. My nights are still a bit messed up I think because of wearing this damn defibrillator.
But I'm doing what the doctor asked and taking it easy while the stent does it's thing. Also I assume if the stent and the meds do there thing I won't have to get that fun filled pacemaker.
I suppose I'm learning that trying to be everything to everyone isn't the smartest thing to do. That it's okay to care for yourself because if you don't, you end up like me. I suppose my messages can get a bit tiring to hear. But doing our best to live a balanced life where we work to keep ourselves away from too many extremes I pray works best. So as the weekend nears let us all remember that, we are not lone wolfs. Because even wolfs work in packs or families. And so should we.
Good Afternoon. Just sitting here and chillin' just had some lunch and half-watching my soap opera (yes, it's my guilty pleasure.) I'm feeling alright and I'm have been sleeping much better at night.
With my physical problems taking front and center in my mind at the moment. It's interesting how my panic/anxiety have kinda taken a backseat in my mind. For so many years my panic/anxiety were front and center in every decision I made. And while it is still present in my mind, it's hold doesn't seem so all encompassing.
I suppose at the moment I'm wondering where my future lies. I find it hard to just live day by day, I do kinda like having a plan of attack. You would think at 52 I would have figured all this crap out many years ago. But I've never been one to settle for what I see. I've always found myself desiring more, not so much material stuff as respect, potential, and acknowledgment.
But hey, who knows whats going to happen. Maybe U2 were right when they said, "ambition bites the nails pf success". Maybe wanting to please everyone except myself is a fruitless venture. That the person I am is the one I should work to satisfy? Still that doesn't seem to answer the problem either. Because it is the drive within me that pushes me to do more.
At the moment I think that I'm starting to think too much. That the answer to all these questions now is to find a quite moment and listen to each breathe.
Good Afternoon. I wish I could sit here and spread pearls of wisdom like M&M's today, but I can't. It's been a quite week of just taking my meds and doing what my doctor said to do, which has been no work and no stress. I have gone out of the house on a few occasions but even now if I venture too far, like Friday night visiting the grandbaby. I usually end up spending the next day worn out, which I did. So here I sit playing with Facebook and putting notes down on sites like here and LinkedIn to stay in touch.
I suppose if nothing else I'm learning a little about patients and that life sometimes doesn't run at the speed you want it to. Still it's interesting how I can be so restless, yet when things are moving end up getting so stressed. If I can ever get back into therapy that would be a good question to explore. But for now I'll simply (that's a loaded word) try and chill and let this recover run it's course.
Good Afternoon. The last few days have been up and down meaning I had some good days healthwise and a few bad days. Like this morning around 4 am and throughout the morning I was very lightheaded and dizzy. Checked my blood sugar and it was pretty low, but I'm not sure that's the whole story. But my heart "feels" fine my defibrillator hasn't gone off since putting it on three weeks ago. I'm thinking it's just all the meds I'm taking.
As I've mentioned before, at the moment I'm just being open to whatever is going to happen. For whatever reason I don't seem to fret about things as much, like I said it could be the meds? Still whatever the reason it's just a wait and see thing going on at the moment.
Again, I wish I could drop some nuggets of wisdom about this whole thing. But I've resigned myself to the fact that I doing this one day at a time. Which I guess is what we all should be doing when wading through uncharted waters.
Good Afternoon. Rather any of you figured it out or not, I don't do much planning when I put these things together. I sorta go on a "wing and a prayer" when I'm putting down my thoughts. With that I sometimes don't end up with a whole lot of new things to say. But if for no other reason then to clear the cobwebs out of my own head I'm writing today to catch you up on the little soap opera that is my life.
Still I shouldn't really call it that, because life is something we all do rather we feel like it or not. For some of us life is a series chores or events we go through more out of habit then with meaning. But for a few life can be a grand adventure, to be lived and cherished. For me I think life is a little of both the mundane and exciting, because you can't survive on too much of one without the other.
As I have mentioned on way too many occasions, life is all about balance. Not too much of this without too much of that. It's too be well seasoned like a hearty meal where the right combination of spices adds to the flavor.
Good morning. Well I made it through my doctors appointment. Basically got my meds in order and reestablished my relationship with my regular doctor at a new clinic. Although I'm still wearing this defibrillator till after Christmas, yeah. But enough about that, as I may have stated earlier since leaving the hospital my mindset has seemed better. By that I mean the usual depression that can be experienced after a heart situation didn't seem to show up?
My theory is after suffering such stress and pressure upon completing my course work. Getting over that stress and getting help for my physical problems was such a relief that what should have been a stress creator ended up being a stress killer. But I will admit that sometimes thinking about returning to the real world does stress me out. I suppose the smart thing would be to just take it easy. Let the old ticker heal and think of the moments as they come.
I love reading your posts you have such an air of positivity about you. I haven't commented before because I know very little about heart problems apart from the fake ones I have when I have a panic attack. I can't wait to be better ( panic disorder and agoraphobia) but I too get frightened of getting back to the real world. By the spoonful describes it perfectly. Let's let ourselves heal and take it one day at a time :)
Good Evening Everyone. Finally settling down after an eventful afternoon. Since the leaving of our local doctor, we've been on the search of a new General Practitioner. My wife finally had her appointment with her new doctor. Unfortunately, the news my wife got wasn't what she wanted to hear. Basically, she was told all the things your average Southerner doesn't want to hear. Things like she needs to loss weight, give up fried foods, eat more veggies and fruit, the usual stuff. But hopefully, it was a wake up call for her. You'd think after all the crap I'm going through she'd want to be healthier. I think her new doctor got to her.
As for myself, I'm sorta in a learning to be patient with myself mood, while the days of my healing pass. Still as jayb1 mentioned (Thanks, for the great comments, by-the-way), it's all about returning to a "normal" life. Although a normal life is what each of us make it. As for me who knows what that will be. At the moment my passions lie with my writing and telling stories. So is there a book in my future? I'm still thinking about that, my main problem is narrowing my subject matter down.
As strange as it sounds I do still have trouble looking into myself and writing that down. It seems so egotistical. When I do write about me it's more about how can we improve this or that and not how great I am. I suppose I spent so much time putting myself under a blanket. That shining a light on myself feels a bit weird.
I know it's been a few days since my last post. To be honest, I have no excuse other than a lack of inspiration and just wanting to be with myself. Rather it's due to my ongoing depression or simply a symptom of my current condition, sometimes I just don't want to be social.
Lately my isolation has been because my old friends worry and anxiety have let themselves back in the door. Right after my little hospital stay my attitude was unusually bright. I guess it was because I was happy to be alive. But since then my old friends worry, stress, and anxiety have crept into the picture. You would think after all this time and experience I would be better prepared for such things.
But you know, no matter how many times you fight the good fight, it never gets easier. Oh you might be better prepared, but the way the panic hits you. It's always a surprise sucker punch to the gut. You may ask me, "what do you do then, just deal with it?" In a way yes, I deal with it, I learned awhile back wishing it away doesn't help. What I have learned is that facing the fear and anxiety headlong is about the best strategy.
Even now as I deal with the feelings and internal dialog, it's important to allow myself to look the fear headlong. Then say to it, I see you and hear you, and I understand. Talking about and acknowledging what you feel is a great first step in living in the moment, To stop worrying about the past or fearing what's in the future.
After a while you learn some things just take time. And that wishing upon a star isn't always the answer. Either is ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Taking a breathe and acknowledging what is in front of you. Is about the best way to overcoming fear.
Good morning. Despite how fine things may be going in life. There are times when you can't help but have caous sneak into your life. A perfect example would be this very moment. Earlier in the evening I wasn't feeling my best, still I allowed myself to drift off to sleep. Around 4 am, I awoke with my heart pounding out of my chest trying to catch my breathe. I've been awaken way too many times not to know what may have been going on. Another panic attack more than likely brought on by my sleep apnea.
You would think after all these years I'd be conditioned to realize that and go back to sleep. But interestingly the panic has such a grip on your mind and body, I end up getting up and going to the living room. So that I don't disturb my wife with what is more-than-likely, another false alarm.
I end up doing my normal panicked routine, clam myself best I can, talk myself down from the fear, and check my vitals as best I can. At the moment I decided to jot my thoughts down. It surprises me, as it may you, to see how fluid my line of thinking can be at the moment. But this is how it is with panic, once the initial anxiety levels off, I find myself setting into a clam lucent state.
To but honest, I'm not sure why I'm even putting any of this down. I suppose I simply wanted a record of where my mind is going at the moment. I also suppose that by leaving a record it gives someone else a chance to see they are not alone. Because the feeling of being alone, is the most frighting feeling of all.
Good morning. As I was logging in to the site I noticed the number of post that I had made. I then had to kinda laugh at myself simply because I can only imagine how many times I've repeated myself. Rambling about the same thing over and over like a training monkey dancing for change. But I suppose that's okay, because it usually takes me being told stuff more than once to get it right.
Maybe that's one of the irresistible things about being human, our unfailing ability to be imperfect. I guess that's the thought I could present today, our ability to be imperfect. At least it makes my rambling seem easier to digest. Simply because it gives me an excuse to keep telling the same story. But honestly, I think I tell the same story not so much for your benefit, as for mine.
All we can do in life is work to improve who we are and are situation. Being stagnate maybe fine, but evolution demands we grow and evolve. For those of faith, God also desires that we learn and grow. For us to be either cold or hot and not stagnate nor lukewarm.
Good morning. Well tomorrow will be Thanksgiving here in the US. As for me and my family, we keep things intimate and simple. We keep the meal simple and traditional with either turkey or ham (this year ham), a stuffing that's a family recipe, and a few other things. After years of hauling our small kids around the area to our families Thanksgiving events. We decided a number of years ago to stay home and keep it simple. It even come to mind this year of ordering out Chinese and skipping the traditional all together, but we decided to keep at least one tradition going.
My point I suppose is to say, holidays do funny things to us with panic and our families. In my current shape I really don't want to celebrate much. I'm unclear as to it being my mental or physical state that dominates my mind set. I guess at the moment it's a little of both that keep me close to the home fires. Often I talk about pushing ourselves and taking on challenges to deal with our panic/anxiety. An attitude of wanting to be better is never a bad thing to me. But when dealing with the shared problem we have, it's best to take it one day at a time. To do our best and not to get too mad at ourselves when we fail. At the moment knowing my wife and kids are here to help care for me is a good blessing to be thankful for.
Good morning. I may or may not have told you, but the defibrillator I've been wearing has been going off because of a bad connection to my skin. This makes the defibrillator warning tone go off, especially at night. As you have figured out, this hasn't been helping me sleep. Anyway, I got that situation fixed yesterday so I finally got a decent nights sleep last night without any alarms.
Still I woke up this morning feeling a bit bloated, bloated to the point wear whatever I put on just "felt" like it was choking me. Any of you ever felt like that? It happens to me every now and again. So I changed back into my sweats.
Why am I even mentioning this, who knows. I suppose it's to say, at times our thoughts can effect us in different ways. That becoming so sensitive to our own body sensations at times can pull us away from the more critical task of simple living. I know that at times I can obsess with silly little things. While I may not be qualified to offer definitive answers as to why I (we) do these things. I suppose it's good to know we are not perfect and that in our imperfection we should work to make peace with ourselves. Because I believe loving who we are (I am) is the first step to having peace of mind.
Good morning. I wasn't really planning on writing anything today. But last night for no reason I'm aware of, my defibrillator went off for a few seconds then stopped. It was warning me that it was about to shock me, but like I said it stopped.
If you read my post with any regularity you already know what that did to my attitude and sleep. The incident sent me into panic mode. Even though I know it may have been a glitch or maybe I rolled over in my sleep wrong, you know that reasoning usually doesn't stop the anxiety/panic.
After breathing through the panic and working to face the fear head on, I finally went back to sleep. Still when I woke up this morning I was a bit unnerved. As usual I tried to ignore what I was feeling by burying myself under the cover. Then I decided to get up, drop my meds, and at least act if it was just another day.
I don't know how much more I could tell you without sounding a bit repetitive or simple telling you stuff you already know. I guess my point here is, when I do face the fear I'm experiencing or at least express it, such as here on NMP. I do feel a bit of relief and hopefully gain a little wisdom on my journey.
At the moment the tension of the experience has eased some. For me expressing my honest response to these things really helps me live day to day. Not trying to sound so full myself, maybe by being honest about my struggle is helping some of you to cope as well. That in itself brings me some peace.
all we can do is soldier on fduop,I wish you a good day and many more to come
Good afternoon. It's been a few days since we last spoke.It's been a busy few days with blood test and doctor appointments. But to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good today as I have for the last couple of days. Every now and then I have some really nice stress free days and today happens to be one of them. At the moment I'm waiting for a local college's American football game to start on TV. Other then that my mind is at ease, which is a pleasant place to be. I believe a lot of it has to do with these new defibrillator vests I got that don't go off throughout the night. So everyone take care.
Good morning. It's funny how at some point in your life you get used to looking over your shoulder for the next disaster. I suppose it has something to do with our shared panic. But when I really think about it, I think a majority of people the same way.
So is that a good thing or should we work to be more optimistic. Well for years I've lived riding both sides of the fence. Living under a cloud of when the next shoe was going to drop; and telling myself I need to think myself into being a winner.
For me honestly, neither one of these scenarios is a natural fit. When I'm looking over my shoulder deep inside I still believe things can get better. Yet when I've worked in fields that require a bit of optimism, I fail miserably. Do any of you feel that way?
I suppose it all boils down to the that same theme I hammer on with nearly every post, balance. None of us are perfect and beating ourselves over the head to become that only leads to disappointment. So I guess the best thing I (you) can tell yourself is, "take me as I am", and do your best to move forward.
Good morning. Since we last spoke not a lot has been going on. Just making plans for who we are going to see at the holidays and just living life day by day. Holidays for whatever reason haven't been my thing for a long time. I mean when our family was young it was a treat to see the kids tear into there presents. But now that they are much older the holiday has lost it's luster.
One of the things you must understand is that for so long we lived as the old saying goes, "hand to mouth", meaning we are quite poor. I suppose I still have a real issue with self esteem when it comes to how well I am doing compared to other family members. I could go into a long list of examples, but I'm sure you get the point.
I think my one true regret to having these kinds of feelings about the holidays is that it seems to have rubbed off on my kids. If anything, as parents we never want our children to turn out like us, we want them to be better. In my situation I would never want my children to end up with the problems I put up with everyday. And, I'm more than certain anyone reading this feels the same way.
But you know what, every time I look into a mirror I can't help but look into the face of my dad. With each passing year the lines grow deeper and hairs a bit greyer. We have enough guilt and regret etched across our faces. While the feelings of inadequacy may never truly go away. We must clang to the hope that we have done the best we can simply because we do worry.
Good morning. I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. It's not that I've been that busy, it's just been one of those weeks where I just hadn't had much to say. I suppose I just want to get the holidays out of the way. You already know how I feel about the holidays, but at the same time I'm just ready to get this defibrillator off.
So at the moment I'm just ready to simply move on. For the last 3 months it's been a waiting game. Waiting for the stent to allow my old heart to heal up some. At the end of the month we find out what happens next. But believe it or not I am pretty optimistic, which is unusual for us panicky people. Still while I have bad days, lately the good days have been winning out.
So I guess I can leave you on a happy note after all. Like I keep saying like a broken record (ask your grandmother or a hipster friend what a record is) it's the moving forward that really counts.
Good afternoon. Been sorta keeping to myself of late. Kinda felt like I'd run out of words to say and I've been a little under the weather. Yesterday was the zenith of my "bad days" just didn't feel well all day. Even last night I woke-up at 3 am (nothing new) with a panic attack. But after my little episode, although I'd wake-up every hour or so, I did drift back to sleep.
Surprisingly, I got up feeling a bit better than I have. Got cleaned up and headed to the hospital and have my bi-weekly lab work done. Sometimes I just amaze myself, I honestly do. I mean, after a bout with my usual demons it sometimes surprises me how well I can bounce back. It's not like I'm winning the lottery or making myself millions. But looking back at some of my lows, only makes those small victories even more special.
I guess I could wish you some Christmas wish or something. But honestly may be the best thing to say could be take each penny you find on the street as a gift and not just a penny. Little steps do add up over time.
Good morning. I suppose my last post could be taken as my Christmas post and in a way it was. But it doesn't take away from the fact that many are suffering and alone this holiday season. The isolation and fear you can feel at this time of the year is awful, I know. Even with my family around me, the idea that I was the only one that knew my pain was a burden I'd wish on no one.
I'm sure everyone that uses this site wishes they had a magic pill to give one another to make the pain go away, but we don't. All we (I) have to give you is, that we understand, and that our thoughts and prayers are with you. Together we can live with our shared burden, and this site is a great first step in reaching out to those that know what you go through. So stay strong and fight a good fight. Remembering each day to take another step. Merry Christmas.
Good morning. Last night I was writing this long serious post when I hit the wrong button and deleted the whole thing. With only myself to blame, I logged out and put on some music.
This morning that experience got me to thinking about how we handle disappointment with our panic/anxiety. Like I always say, what I write here is not clinical as much as my own experience. But after my little accident with the post last night, I surprised myself by just letting it just "roll off my back". Usually when things either big or small happen to me, I end up tearing myself up about it.
I believe that this type of thinking is unhealthy. In my situation coming out of a verbally abusive childhood, these same abuses become learned habits. For way too long, I have bashed myself way more than my one time abusers ever did. Leading to moments of even more self-doubt and low self-esteem which play a major role in my panic/anxiety.
I suppose you maybe asking if and how I have overcome this self abusive mindset. To be perfectly honest, I haven't, but I'm getting better most everyday, much like the example of last night. A big part of my therapy has been the journaling of my adventures here on NMP. Also my readings about living in the moment and mediation have greatly helped in my living with our shared problem.
In closing and again repeating myself for the thousandth time, take each day as it comes. Be mindful of how you treat yourself and others. Giving yourself the "benefit of the doubt" just as you would someone else. No one is prefect so don't expect it out of yourself or others. Learning to treat yourself with compassion goes a long way in dealing with the panic/anxiety you suffer.
Good afternoon. Such I last wrote the following night I had a rough night trying to sleep. I ended up getting up fairly early and taking a bath to help me go back to bed. Instead I ended up staying awake because of a surprise doctors appointment that morning (in other words I forgot it). The appointment itself was just an echo-cardiogram which is basically an ultrasound of the heart. My cardiologist will look it over and I'll see him next Tuesday.
It's been just over three months since my little hospital adventure, and for the most part I feel I'm getting stronger. It's just that I still have days like yesterday and this morning where I just feel like "warmed over crap". While I don't think the echo tech saw anything to alarm her, my thoughts would not let it go that something was wrong.
I ended up carrying that feeling throughout the rest of the day, into last night, and into this morning. You know what I'm saying those feelings of dread and impending doom that makes your heart race and hype up every sensation inside your body. While some of this can be attributed to my panic, I am smart enough to know I am a little under the weather with a mild cold. So I took most of the day to rest and relax.
Now that it's the late afternoon here, I'm "feeling" a bit better. The stress I was carrying has lifted a good bit and I feel like seeing the world again. It's good to have a place where I can honestly express my thoughts on this burden I've carried for so long. And, while I don't get too any responses to my posts, I can see someone reads them from the numbers. Other than being able to write out my thoughts and emotions honestly here. It really helps me to think something I write is helping someone else.
So as another year rolls over, lets all move forward and not let our shared burden ruin our happiness this holiday season.
Good morning. Well I can tell it's going to be a fine day simply because I had such a crappy night. Woke myself up or the defibrillator woke me up at least five or six times. (Don't worry about the defibrillator, that was because of loss connections.) But hey the sun has finally come out and it's all uphill from here.
Since I last posted it has actually been a bit boring around here. Since the weather has cooled down I'm feeling a bit better sinus wise. Most of the bills are paid for the month and hopefully I get rid of the defibrillator Tuesday.
I suppose now I should be concentrating on where to go from here. Since the heart attack I've been in a kind of limbo letting the body heal. For the most part, whatever the doctor says, I feel better. I know that since the holidays my creative juices have really been turned on. I've been writing a lot more in the past few months (at least in quantity) then I have in a very long time.
Being able to use my talent gives me an outlet to vent or at least question the things going on inside. For way too long I internalized way too much and the result has been the panic, anxiety; and yes, heart attack. So like the old saying that misery loves company. In the case of how we should respond to our shared burden being each others company is a good first step in dealing with panic/anxiety. So while you're here, take advantage of the forums and let the thoughts flow.
Good morning. Here in the deep Southern US we are having our coldest weather of the season (29 F this morning). For a true Southerner that's bone chilling. The local news media would have you think it's the end of time the way they describe the weather. Honestly, if you think about it, it does this every year. Here it starts getting mild in October through December, then the bottom falls out around January till March. Now that I've educated you on weather in the Southern US, I hope your hearths are warm and the new year looks bright.
I went to my cardiologist yesterday and I'm happy to say he believes I'm doing much better than I was a few months ago. my blood pressure is very good and my heart overall is looking much better. In fact he is cutting out one of the meds I'm taking and I'll finally get rid of the portable defibrillator at the end of the month. I must say, I walked out of his office much happier then I walked in. I've really been trying to do anything he recommended to get better. But as you well know that wonderful panic/anxiety we live with loves the idea of something new going wrong.
If you remember back right after I went into and got out of the hospital, I felt a real peace. I mean I was told there maybe some depression after the heart attack but honestly, I felt relief and very little anxiety. I wasn't until the new wore off the situation that I felt the old pings of my panic/anxiety come creeping in. To the point were I've actually dreaded when I take the defibrillator off. What makes us this way. Who the hell knows.
Having panic/anxiety often causes us to grab on to the next thing to make us feel safe. Rather it's the latest drug therapy or the newest self-help fad, grasping at straws is what I had done for a long time. Through all the crap the one thing I have learned is to love who I am. For me that was a first big step in working on who I am. Have I answered every question to every problem? Laughing at myself, the answer is no. But taking steps forward or even backward, can lead to discovering you.
Good afternoon. After an unexplainable bad night (kept waking up, for no reason) I still got up feeling pretty good. But after a few hours, I don't know why, but I started feeling a little rough. It's a bit like having a panic attack you know, light headed, out of sorts. So I decided to come to bed and just lay down and listen to the radio.
After laying here for a bit, I still feel out of sorts, which my over anxious/panicked brain just wants to run with, yeah! So I decided to login and you know what's going on because in my world, misery loves company. I suppose the thing I have to remind myself of is, some days are just going to be like this. And there's not a lot you can do about them other than don't attack yourself too much. Over the years I've noticed a vicious cycle can begin. When I allow myself to punch myself in the gut just like the bullies did all those years ago.
Just because I don't feel perfect or do perfect doesn't mean I deserve my own hate. No more than a young child walking on the playground deserves to get his or her ass-kicked for just being there. You have to give yourself a pass every now and then. And remember not everyday's going to be sunshine and puppies. Although a puppy would be nice right now.
Good morning. Like most of you I woke up to the news that David Bowie had passed. Now I must admit I didn't really get into Bowie until his The Next Day album came out. In fact just last night I was listening to his newest album Blackstar. My reason for being this up is because for a long time deaths like these were sad to hear, but they didn't have the effect say a loved ones death would have.
But for whatever reason ever since Amy Winehouse and Robin Williams deaths, deaths like these now effect me deeply. I'm not positive that it's my own mortality that causes me to feel this way. Or if it's just the idea at least in Williams case, they saw no hope in going on. Whatever the reason, I thought that I had a better grasp of how I feel about my own eventual death.
I recall reading in Thich Nhat Hanh's book Fear, it mentions the fear of death being a cause of stress and depression. As Thich discussed, once we realize that we never really die in the Buddhist definition of it. We can live in the here and now in peace. But even with this knowledge in mind, I still have trouble accepting the supposed non-finality of death.
Usually, I try and wrap my posts up in a neat little bow. But this time I cannot, simply because of my own doubt in my own opinion. I suppose all we can say is let's live our lives as best we can and leave our world better than we found it.
Good morning. Like my grandmother use to tell me, "if you can't think of anything good to say, don't say anything at all." That's kinda how I have felt the past few days. Not that anything bad has happened, it's just that I have been a bit dry when it comes to thinks to say.
But with that being said I read an interesting piece in the The New York Times Online (http://nyti.ms/1UOf4LF) this morning. Hopefully the article is linked in the name, but it talks about how athletes and soldiers handle stress. While the study does need more research, it is still interesting how being aware of your body affects how you handle stress. Another point I found interesting were the comments in the comments section of the piece. Like I said, while I'm sitting here being quite, sometimes you can still find interesting things.
Good morning. There is an old saying "some days are diamonds, some days just stones". Not that I've had a few bad days lately. But for whatever reason every time I started a new post I either couldn't finish my thought or erased it by accident. So I decided to give myself a few days to just chill.
I suppose if I were to give you a thought for the day it would be to chill. Not every event in our lives is life or death. Not everything we feel or sense is a disaster about to happen. We are all human and if you're anything like me you're prone to make mistakes. The key is to not beat the hell out of ourselves every time we (I) do something...stupid. Be mindful of what's going on around you. But at the same time realize "the sky isn't falling everyday".
I changed out doctor's this last week to one that is closer and cheaper than my previous doctor. In going over my history the doctor noted that while I have been diagnosed depressed and panicky, I seemed quite "normal". I explained that I have had many years of practice in building a facade of good cheer. But that every now and again, my old friend panic and anxiety show up to remind me we live one day at a time. So every so often that with proper steps (meds, therapy, etc...) we all have a chance to live and overcome our shared situation.
Good afternoon. It's really quiet in my room right now. So quiet that I can hear my insides making all kinds of weird sounds I don't recall hearing before. Sorta like the sound of bad plumbing being used. I just finished up an article for a blog I write regarding my profession. Though honestly I wouldn't say it was all that professional considering some of my topics. But it's not like I'm getting paid to do it, it just keeps my name out there.
Which I suppose it is a good topic to discuss here, getting my butt back into the world of the living. Oh, I know I can talk a good game, but let's face it words ain't sh#t without some action behind them. At the moment the clock is ticking on my being attached to this defibrillator. I'm suppose to get rid of it at the first of the month. As I mentioned earlier, my doctors are pleased with my progress. So while I'm not 100% back, I'm in better shape then I had been.
This afternoon I was reviewing some of my options as far as where to go from here. I mean, I have my training and education to fall on. Do I want to continue to pursue a career in business analysis or maybe venture into my passion for writing or both. Other considerations to take in are my age, overall physical health, and my mental health, which goes without saying.
I suppose the main thing is to try and not pressure or guilt myself into doing whatever. I have been blessed with limited funds to support my family. I suppose the key is to focus in on doing something that I really enjoy. As some off you may have figured out, writing brings me lots of joy. So as we work to make our way through this shared situation of panic/anxiety let's remember. Isolation and self-hatred are not goals, but living free and happy are.
Good Morning. Well tomorrow I put all my talk to the test by making 150 mile round trip to my in-laws for a family dinner. My wife and I will be riding with our daughter to the dinner. But as many of you well know, it isn't so much the family and in-laws that bother me, as much as the trip itself. So right now my anxiety is elevated (no point in lying) and I can feel it in my bones. I suppose I could jack-up the anxiety meds, but that's never been my style. But being uncomfortable is no way to enjoy the day.
Other than that I've started reading a book on verbal abuse. Through my limited therapy we stretched at the surface of my being verbally abused. Deep in my mind I know a lot of the seeds I carry of self-doubt and loathing come from the fact that I was tormented and bullied at a young age. As much as hate going back to those times, I believe to find peace I need to resolve those issues.
So as I end this post remember to keep looking to yourself for what you know is right. I maybe sounding like a bad motivational poster but, you know when things are not right in your lives. So as you work to be a better you, it's okay to have bad days, I have them myself a lot. But once we all realize we are imperfect humans how much better our lives will be. But that doesn't excuse us from tearing down others for their imperfections I the name of hate.
Good Afternoon. Well the reason I'm responding so quickly to yesterday's post is because I failed. By that I mean, we didn't go to my in-laws. The reason we changed plans was due partly to weather and some family members are sick, due to the weather change. While these are valid reasons, to be honest last night was crazy. For one thing the defibrillator I still wear kept going off saying it was not fitting right. Then because of the dramatic change in our local weather (?) I was "feeling" out of sorts.
It's hard for me to explain, the defibrillator wasn't saying my heart was out of wack. I suppose it was just old fashion panic, it certainly had that "feeling". At the moment it's a bit after 3 pm here, and for a change I feel more myself on this breezy cold, cloudy day. As I think back to the long strange night, I'm thinking mostly this weather had more to do with my panic than anything. But I've been wrong before.
As you may have figured out, I try and take a lesson out of each day. So today's lesson can be, the minute you think you got things figured out, life has a funny way of scrambling that egg.
Good Evening. At the moment I'm watching (more like listening) to the AFC Championship Game (Am. Football). I don't know if any of you have figured this out, but I post a lot when I'm having trouble. To be honest, it's pretty much the same problem I run into last night. Around 4 am this morning I got up "feeling" weird, that's the best way I can describe it. Meaning, I can't pinpoint any particular part of my body that was troubling me. It just sorta "felt" weird all over.
At one point it "felt" weird enough that I thought about calling EMT's again. More than anything else It was good old panic. I mean, you know in your head that it's panic playing with you again. But that doesn't much to stop the panic now does it? I will admit I haven't "felt" real well most of the day (cold, light-headed). Also I got to pack-up the defibrillator to send back to the doctor. Here is where I think we find the real reason for my current anxiety/panic.
Ever since the doctor informed me that I no longer needed the defibrillator my mind has been excited that I'm getting better. Still there's piece of me that is shaking in fear that my security blanket is going. As you know when our minds go into panic mode, any little symptom can turn into a major life threatening event. Wearing the defibrillator had become a security blanket that told me I was okay. So now that the defib is gone, my mind has lost it's latest blanket.
Our lives are about learning and re-learning things we tend to forget. The key is to not try and ignore those panicked voices, but to embrace them and tell them it's alright. Believe me it's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds. I mean, here I am after 16 years and I'm still having to remind myself of this truth. I suppose the moral of this tale is to do our best and just because you screw up why worry, doesn't everyone?
Good morning. I read this last night from the opinion section of the New York Times. I thought that some of you would find it interesting how this medication is being used to "wipeout" fear. Like before the comment section was very interesting.
Here's the link: http://nyti.ms/1OKVpZh
Good Afternoon. I hope you haven't gotten tried of me yet. Yesterday, I attempted to create a blog post for a "blog" I write. It seems that no matter how many writes and rewrites I did, I simply could get the right thoughts on the screen. So I did what any expiring writer would do, closed my laptop and watched TV. What better a mind numbing thing could I do?
Anywho, I got up this morning and started another train of thought. But much like yesterday, I wrote and rewrote the sentences. Coupling and uncoupling my thoughts (train reference) till I put together a somewhat decent post. My post was about crutches an how I've used them over the years. To help prop myself up when dealing with anxiety/panic.
But at some point you have to put those crutches away and put some weight on that leg. Which is the point I have been at of late, putting the crutches away. As I'm sure most of you know, walking this tightrope we call a life is hard. Sometimes too hard. And those things we clang to as support are really starting to hold us down.
The last several nights you know how poorly I've been sleeping. I've allowed my fear to steal my peace. Last night I pulled up one of my favorite books by Thich Nhat Hanh titled Fear. I've mentioned it a number of times, and even though I've read it on a number of occasions. It never hurts to visit an old friend. The chapters I read reminded me that without facing the fear and embracing it with love and compassion. You can never overcome the fear. So in a away, that's what I wrote about.
To put away the crutches that help you (me) avoid the fear and to face the child that stands before us. I hope in some way this helps someone else. That learning to lean on and love ourselves can play a major role in living with and overcoming the faults in our lives.
Good morning. Thought I'd take a moment to say hey and let you know how it's going. As you all know the past few days have been rough since sending the defibrillator back. The idea of losing a crutch like that really troubled my already heightened anxiety/panic. But after putting down my thoughts about how I felt here and in my journal, I'm feeling much better.
You know, I post a lot and give all sorts of advice about what I do to survive our shared trouble. I suppose the thing to remember is that through all we do to "get better", the most important point is to try. I've often described my moods and emotions as being like a tide going in and out. In other words some days are good, others not so much.
The point is to survive and to improve yourself. Lord knows, I'm far from being perfect or successful by the way most measure success. In fact one of my main short comings is comparing myself to others. But you know, when you do that you never measure up, right. So let's do what we can and make ourselves happy. That way our happiness can be shared.
Good morning. Yesterday I was again writing a prolific post on this site. And again I ended up deleting it by not looking where I was pressing. Considering the post was a rant about someone I had met, it just as well it was lost. Besides, I feel much better now. If anything I suppose the use of journaling my thoughts in some way really helps me to prioritize and gather-up what it is that's bothering me at the moment.
If you're like me, your mind runs in about 100 different directions at any given time. Journaling, mediation, and study have helped me a lot in quieting the sometimes noisy goings on in my head. So I guess, if I were to leave you with a "poignant thought", it would be. Take the time to journal and learn about yourself. Don't cut yourself off entirely from the world and surround yourself with individuals that love and care for you.
Good Afternoon. Here where I live (Georgia, USA) it's been a bit balmy the last few days (highs around 70 degrees f) and sunny. Understand that for us the average this time of year is maybe 60 degrees f. So needless to say, I've been outside. I've noticed that while the weather and my attitude have been pleasant, it makes it hard to come up with a post.
Isn't it kinda weird that we can ramble on and on about our misery. Yet when a little sunshine falls our way, we tend to be closed mouth about it. So I guess I must apologize for feeling pretty good. But if I were to apologize for anything that wouldn't be the worst thing. Days like these don't come to some of us very often. So when they do a little bit of gratefulness wouldn't hurt either.
I suppose the point here would be, there will be some good with the bad. So take advantage of those blessings as they come.
Good Morning. I hope this doesn't sound too much like bragging but, when I login and go to this thread I always notice the number of views it gets. As of now the thread has 22,612 views, wow. I mean I'm sure there are some of you with a 1,000,000+ but for a fat guy from South Georgia USA. Living in a town of 1800 people doing my best to survive everyday with our shared condition. That encourages me to keep telling my truth and to be honest with you and myself. So cool.
Now that my "self-shoulder slapping" is done, after a number of sunny days with very mild temperatures. Storms came through last night pushing out the sunshine and nice temps. Leaving us the rest of the week with the sun (yeah) but temperatures below average (boo). Now I'm not sure how it is with you but, we Southerners don't function well in the cold. It's sorta why we live in the South.
Anywho, encouragement at some point it's needed. I'm pretty sure a lot of my situation came about through lack of encouragement. When the encouragement or love from others isn't felt, it tends to tell your mind, "hey something must be wrong with me." In some situations that can be good (correcting bad behavior). But like myself where verbal abuse is passed out like candy, it creates a lie you don't deserve.
I suppose if I were to put a bow on this thread it would be. Accept encouragement when you get it and don't forget to encourage yourself. In my own story there has always been a little spark of light within me has said, "there is something better." The secret is to have faith in yourself. You may ask, is it that simple? Yes, it is. Is it that easy? No, it isn't. In fact I still work hard at it everyday.
Good morning. You know I spend a lot of time talking about myself. And even though what I'm doing (talking and reflecting about me) is done to improve my situation, it still gives me the feeling of narcissism, weird right? Anywho, I've been brought back to earth by the fact that our kitchen sink is stopped up.
You might ask what a stopped up sink has to do with panic/anxiety. I suppose despite the obvious, as a sufferer of a mental condition; little things like a clogged drain bring you back to life. In that life doesn't stop because you're hurting it just keeps plugging on. So thinking about it, looking at the clog helps me to realize that others still depend on me to continue living life.So while I'm still suffering and thinking, "woe is me", life doesn't care. It's waiting for me to grab the plunger and go to work.
Good morning. While my sink is still clogged (I gave up) and I'm recovering from our Super Bowl party (my wife & I with snacks we didn't need). So far today I'm paying the price for my poor decisions last night, wishing I could just go back to bed. Oh well.
I've noticed that sometimes I can let my anxiety/panic become a crutch or better yet an excuse to not do what I should be doing. While that can sound a bit harsh after so many years of giving in to my situation. Don't you think that every so often you should give yourself a swift kick in the ass to get things done?
I believe the key is to not hate yourself when you do fail. Although (at least for me) self-abuse is a natural reaction to failing. The point is to cut yourself some slack. I mean if your child fell off their bike, would you scream and call them a failure (if you do, you need more help than I can give you). Or would you dust off their knees and help them back on.
Lord knows we all fail, but it's the self-abuse that keeps us down. So while I'm sitting here regretting the decisions of last night. It's good to know that if I try and "bite the bullet" I can make better decisions from now on (maybe).
Good evening. Normally I would just chuck this up to an upset stomach or something. But I thought why not put down some thoughts and see what happens. I took my wife to a routine medical appointment this afternoon. The whole thing was uneventful and we made just one stop before heading home.
Around 4 in the afternoon I got a little light-headed, so I decided to eat early. Afterwards I was laying on my bed watching a sports show and I guess I fell asleep. I was awaken abruptly by my phone alarm around 7 pm, and since then I have felt a bit "cold". I took my 7 pm meds and to this point I'm "feeling" a bit panicky, but for what reason.
Being a veteran of Panic Disorder you'd think I'd just take these sorta things in stride. But every so often I still feel like a rookie when it comes to anxiety/panic. At the moment the feeling is still crawling up and down my back. That feeling of fear and dread you get when waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Writing this does seem to help. It gives me a platform for which to look at how I feel at the moment. A way to go over the how, what, when, where, and why's of the whole thing. Do I have an answer, not at the moment. But sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for it. So you do your best to be in the moment.
Good morning. The last few days it's been bitterly cold (at least for me) so I've basically been under the covers all day. The one nice thing about being cold is it puts my anxiety/panic into prospective. By that I mean, I'm spending all my time making sure I'm warm along with the rest of the crew. I know it sounds weird (crazy might be the more optimal word) but hey that's me. One of my problems with panic/anxiety is that it focuses attention within myself. Every little pain or whatever would turn into a major health incident. One of the things that has plowed me through has been focusing on those around me and taking care of them. Lately though, as my family grows and become's independent it puts my focus back on myself which can mean, you know.
It's frustrating and maddening to believe in your heart that things could be better. Yet the roadblocks your panic/anxiety put in front of you, make what would be a simple journey, a long rocky road. I often wonder how these two worlds live within me. A world where I know the abilities within myself to succeed are here. But at the same time the voices of doubt, self-hatred, and fear haunt every step you take. I believe I am not alone in feeling this way.
So what do you do? For me it's remembering that I am worthy for the success I have worked for. That it wasn't just dumb luck that brought me success, it was the hard work I put in to get where I am. Also I have to remind myself of the fact that each day I still need to fight to make each day a good day. Sometimes the world around us can send us confusing messages. These messages may tell you that life only comes from outside yourself. Or that the only true success you'll ever have has to come from beyond your own strength.
If you can look at the situation around you and realize that it is within you (me) to change our situation. Now I could sit here and maybe write out a formula for my success. But my journey hasn't been that smooth or easy. Each of us have to make up our mind to take the steps to better our situation. Remembering my way may not be your way. It's simply the act of taking one step at a time to being a better you and me.
`Good Brrr morning. While the big chill is in the Northeastern part of the US, here in the Deep South it's not too bad. But for a life long Southerner anything under 45 f is cold. I suppose the good news is since Easter is early this year, the warm weather isn't too far away.
At the moment I'm feeling pretty good. I been pretty busy fixing sinks and doing errands around the house. For me one of the things that shows up with my anxiety/panic is a total lack of motivation. You know how it is, you just want to hide under the covers and not face the day. I suppose the first thing you have to do is have a desire to get better, but that is better said then done.
Lord knows, I am no poster child for overcoming panic, I still have my days when I just lay in bed and not leave the house. Sometimes it even gets to the point that my safe haven (my bedroom) overwhelms me. Still I believe one of my keys to the success has been my overwhelming desire to get better. Now I'm sure everyone reading this would say the same thing, if you didn't you wouldn't be wasting your time here. The key is every time you take a step backwards, you dust yourself off and take another step forward. Looks simple doesn't it? Believe me, I've walked backwards way more than I have forwards. Another thing is don't let your missteps lead you down a path of giving up. I've wasted way too much time doing that, giving up.
Train you mind and heart to love yourself despite yourself. Self-loathing and self-hatred will never help you win, it is their desire to make sure you fail. As I search for a place to close this remember. No one is so far gone that they can't found there way home. Despite how you feel at the moment you are someone. Someone worthy of your own love. Love and forgiveness are two keys to digging yourself out of the shadows and back into the light of life.
Good Evening. Miss me? Over the last few days I have been focusing on my reading and a business idea presented to me by my son-in-law. Other than that the weather here has greatly improved, meaning it's back in the low 60's f. My mindset has been pretty good, I've had my moments of light panic/anxiety especially at night. Other than that, my sinuses have been acting up but such as it is.
I hope that the day finds all of you working to be the best you can. Our shared problem is one that can at times can cripple us from doing what others take for granted. I myself can attest to the fact that while I'm writing I feel pretty good. There are still moments when the panic/anxiety are so great, I simply just want to bury my head under the covers.
This week has been a good example. Monday, Tuesday, and today I nearly had to drag myself out of bed. The motivation I had last week was simply gone replaced with the mindset of, I'll do it tomorrow. Doing that for a while wears on the ego, at least for me. But I managed to work on a blog post I do, even though it required most of the day to pull it out. Then I forced (and forced is a good word) myself to get out of the house and go for a walk.
Over the past few days I've wanted to post some little message. If for nothing else but to prop myself up. But each time I stared at this empty box the words I typed just seemed empty of real meaning. So I guess if nothing else, in my pursuit to be honest with you and myself, my word for today is try. Lord knows, it's hard enough to prop yourself up everyday. But dammit, we should keep trying, because somewhere out there we are a light that some other lost soul needs to see.
Good morning. I guess if there was a theme for the past two days it would be you get what you pay for. I don't know about you, but over my lifetime I've made some good decisions and some bad decisions. My focus today is on one of my bad decisions which was to neglect my health and make poor life choices.
If you read my posts, you know about the vacation I took last fall to the hospital. Since that time I've tried to do better with my health. One of the main things I've done is quit smoking. But even though I quit smoking since my hospital stay, one of the affects of that decision to smoke has been bad teeth. Over the past few days I've been dealing with a broken tooth that is the result of past poor decisions.
Thinking about that got me to thinking, a lot of times we deal with situations that are beyond our control. Abuse, fear inducted situations, and other disasters are things that just happen and they are things we pretty much don't have control over. But things like poor health choices or just doing stupid shit are things we walk into eyes wide open.
The point I'm making is, there are times when we have to "man up" and except the hand dealt us and do better. The thing is, to look at bad behavior and do what we can to correct it. Pointing fingers and crying "no fair", isn't doing you any good. But also hating yourself for poor choices isn't going to help you either. Just remember we are all fallible and we all screw-up sometimes. Let's just do our best to correct those scrrew-up's without too much self hate.
Good evening. Not all together sure why I am posting. Other than I felt I am having a uncomfortable Panicky moment while I was asleep. You know how it is, it's one of those moments when you're awaken by that fear. Even when there's nothing to be afraid of. I suppose now I'll try some mindful breathing and try to go back to sleep.
Good morning. Just wanted to drop a post letting you know how I'm doing. Since I didn't sleep too well Saturday night, I spent most of Sunday napping. This in turn didn't help my sleep last night. I ended up waking up around 4 am and tried to go back to sleep, till around dawn when I finally dosed off till around 9 am.
Of all the talk I give about taking steps and getting better one day at a time. I still ask myself, is this all it's ever going to be? I mean, have I gone as far as I'm going to get? When I reflect on moods like this, I'm often reminded of the U2 song The Fly and the line about ambition bits the nails of success. For myself that's saying that no matter where I am in life, no matter how successful, I'll never be satisfied. Am I making any sense here?
I guess the question I should ask myself is, why can't I be happy with how things are? Does there always have to be a better tomorrow? Maybe it all goes back to the Buddhist tradition of focusing on the here and now, and letting tomorrow take care of itself. Even in the Christian tradition, you have the verses about consider the lilies, where they don't worry about the next day. Still inside myself I have this innate need to look beyond what I see in the mirror and want something more.
So I guess the question is, is that a bad thing? But I'm going to let that question hang for a moment. Because to be honest, my head hurts, my sinuses are on fire, and my wife (God know's I love her) just got through asking me something that just pushes the button. So I'll sign-out with this thought. I don't think improving our station in life is wrong. I think when that improving becomes an obsession, then maybe it should be looked at and questioned. The key to this may simply go back to having a healthy attitude about ourselves first, then look ay ways to make things better. What do you think?
Good morning. If nothing else I wanted to simply drop a note saying I feel a bit better today. Last night, which should have been really rough (due to some bad weather we had) turned out not to be too bad. And by the time I got up the storm clouds had parted and now it's like a taste of March weather, windy and comfortable. For the first time since last fall, I've opened the windows to the room. A sort of pre-spring cleaning I'll call it.
The reason for my melancholy mood lately can be sourced to a number of causes. Some of which most everyone would find valid and others, not so much. But over the years I've sorta learned these things come and they go. To try and live either on a high note or a low one all the time is an unrealistic expectation. I simply don't think we were built that way.
I like to think we were built for balance, not much different then the way we walk. Over the last few months I've been watching my granddaughter gain her footing. At six months she's not walking or anything like that, but she is sitting up and learning to balance. This is the way we learn, through trial and error or high's and low's.
I just don't think we can learn much from success all the time. Nor can we learn an awful lot by by being defeated all of the time. There has to be balance.
Good evening. It's 7 pm our time, so I assume it's early in the morning for you all across the pond. The last few days I've been a bit out of it. For one my sinuses have been hating me for days, while my stomach has been upset. I suppose with a "normal" individual this would be something you just "let roll with the punches" and nothing else. But for myself all kinds of wild stuff passed across your mind. Everything from cancer to another heart attack scurried by, building and building my anxiety and panic to the point to where I was hiding under the covers, again.
Thankfully though, I'm feeling better today since lunch and even took a walk with my daughter this afternoon. I know I should be writing some epic moral reply to how I almost let my weakness get the better of me. But you know what, sometimes it does. Sometimes we just have bad days and when we do, we beat ourselves over the head for being human. If I'd said it once, I've said it 243 times now. We'll never have a good life hating ourselves or by not working to improve the things we can in our lives. Love is the key. Loving yourself, loving our family and loving others is what it's all about. Let's live as best we can, it's all we should expect of ourselves.
Good morning. Happy Leap Day! Leap Year must be good for me because last night I sleep pretty well. Other than that I'm still suffering through my sinus situation, but what can you do it thinks it's spring around here. I started this post with the intention of having something great to say. But as I peck away at this keyboard my mind is wholly focused on nothing.
I suppose the only real thought that's crossing my mind is all the traveling I've done over the past few days. You see normally we usually venture out of town once a month or so. Other than picking up a few items at our local store, we usually limit our big out of town purchases to once a month. So to be heading out of town three days in a row can take a toll on someone like myself.
I guess the silver lining in all this is that I did it. Although our out of town adventures were a bit brief, at least they were out of town. So today I'm surprising myself with the idea that I feel like going somewhere today. Wow. Usually after an outside adventure it takes me a day or two to recover. I suppose all the stuff I'm trying to convince you of maybe rubbing off on me?
Here I suppose is my thought for the morning. Don't stop living, it's the worst thing you can do, believe me I know. The world is a scary place for us that place such value on fear. But even if it's just for a short amount of time, try to get out there. And, live life among the living.
Good afternoon and Happy After Leap Day. My plan wasn't to post today because I had an eye doctor appointment. While the trip to the Dr was uneventful, the news the news I got from him and the ride home, was very uncomfortable. The news I got from the doctor wasn't so upsetting (or at least not surprising) as having to nurse my old truck home from town. Even now after making it home and relaxing for an hour or so, my stress levels are through the roof. So this is why I'm posting.
After all the running around I did this weekend maybe I "bit-off-more-than-I-should". But to get over the phobias we can develop, it's good to test the waters. But in my situation all it takes is one problem to tip the scales in the wrong direction. So while I would love to simply lay here and try to ignore the world. Guess what? The damn thing just keeps spinning.
In about an hour I have an appointment for a haircut. I think I'll take advantage of that and get my hair washed and toes done. It may sound a bit girly, but every little thing helps.
Good morning. Well it's time around here where one day it's 50 degrees f and the next it's 80 degrees f. It's also tree pollen time around here, which my nose doesn't let me forget. Still I only woke-up once last night for an hour and a half, then drafted back to sleep. When I got up again, I could here the birds at our bird feeder singing and fighting for position.
Other than "feeling" a bit better mentally, I decided to drive head-deep into my long delayed manuscript. Rather I'd mentioned it or not, I asked asked to write a book about my adventures some time ago. Seeing you know my true mental state better than most anyone, you probably get why I've put it off for so long.
With you guys, I have a certain degree of anonymity so getting to the root of a problem or situation with you is like group therapy in a way. I other words, what happens in NMP stays in NMP. So for me to tell an honest tale would require losing my anonymity. I suppose I could put my work under a pseudonym, but for whatever reason I have enough pride that I want people to know who really wrote it. (Which could work the other way, if the book is a total failure.)
Anywho, I'll update on my adventures as always, but for now I have a manuscript to work on (sounds so oooh doesn't it?) Again I'll say thank-you for giving me a sounding board to vent my feelings. My prayer is that some of my crazy is helping someone else who's suffering out there.
Good morning. The last few days have been both good and bad. Good in the fact that me and the wife got to visit the grand baby. Bad in that despite the medication my allergies are causing me great pain. Other than that my stomach has been giving me fits, but such as it is for someone that abused themselves for fifty-plus years.
Since my last post talking about publishing some of my public blog posts, I've completed my book and published it digitally on Amazon. As I mentioned the lost of anonymity is a real challenge for me. Another thing is putting myself out there for the criticism that writing or any other public activity can bring.
Low self-esteem and self-abuse are powerful weapons that can rob any of us the success our talents can give us. In fact right after I pushed the key to put my book online, I felt such a strong rush of panic. Which I'm pretty damn sure is contributing to my current digestive situation.
But what are you to do? Hide under the covers? It's a nice band-aid, but it don't pay the light bill. Despite all my problems, I got enough sense to know, we each have talents if used well can bring us a certain degree of success. But as the Christian Bible says, "Putting your light under a basket, doesn't do you or anyone else any good."
You'd figure after all these years, I'd learn numbers on a chart or sales figures or even likes should be a measure of your self-worth. In order to live our best lives, we most first love the person within your own skin. After that success just doesn't come, it's pretty much already there.
So if anyone is remotely curious about my little book, drop me a line and I'll send you the information.
My reason for this is to stress that my intention is to use this site only as a sounding board for myself and not a place to make a dollar.
Good afternoon. I know it's only been one day, but I had a thought and I wanted to pass it along. Yesterday evening I took notice to the fact that I constantly check and recheck my messages, Facebook likes, and so forth. What this told me was I'm basing too much of my self-esteem on what others thought about what I was saying. In fact I thought about it enough that I wrote about on my blog.
My reason for bringing this up is two-fold. First to say our self-worth should be based on more on our ability to love ourselves. Second journaling or keeping a journal is a great way to open one's own eyes to what is going on inside ourselves. I know that sometimes we don't want to look within ourselves. But in order to live in peace with ourselves we first should be honest and loving with ourselves. And for me, journaling has given me an outlet for revealing myself to me.
Just wanted to pass that along while it was on my mind.
Good morning. It's funny how the day can start off pretty crappy. Then out of the blue you're writing like it's going out of style. Yesterday was one of those days. I had trouble sleeping through most of the night and didn't get out of bed till nearly 10 o'clock in the morning.
As a side note let me say, it's wonderful to have a mate that gets your situation. Who doesn't heap anymore guilt on you then you already pile on top of yourself.
Despite a bad start-up to the day, I still ended up getting a number of things done. The value I take from this is, some things aren't as bad as they seem. It's mostly just a matter of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and getting to it. I know that sounds easy to say after having a good day, but thinking about it, I probably could have had a few more good days if I'd only tried more often.
The point is and I get it, life handed us a sack of sh#t when it comes to panic/anxiety. But allowing ourselves to mull about in self-pity isn't going to help either. Get yourself the right kind of help. Become active and network with groups like NMP. While days like yesterday still hit me, it's good to know that one step forward made all the difference.
I hope the admin for NMP don't mind, but now through Saturday my little ebook is free to download and read at this link http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01CKQMULS?keywords=fd%20thornton&qid=1457537011&ref_=sr_1_1&s=digital-text&sr=1-1
Good afternoon. I briefly wanted to mention this as an example of how no matter how on top of your panic you may be sometimes the damn thing can still slap you into left field. Over the last few days I've been expanding my empire (you can chuckle now) by working on a new book project (I promise this one will be better formatted).
Anywho, as I've opened myself up more to express my thoughts honestly, the craziest thing happened (maybe not the best choice of words). I found myself experiencing mild panic attacks. To make this brief, I find myself amazed at the fact that while I write on and on about taking steps to do better. It seems that part of me still cowers at the thought of revealing too much about myself.
I could go on and on about this, but for now I'll just let you think it over.
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