Crap parents, soo angry

[snoopy]

Hi all,

My parents have let me down again. It's adding to my anxiety and symptoms and i don't need it any more. I've decided that i am not going to see them any more, which is a very hard dissicisoin as i have four children and it will be depriving them of their only gandma. Although they don't seem to miss her much any more, and they never really see my dad as he is really quite a loner and isn't really into his grand children any way.

I don't want to shed another tear over them and have to just accept that they are not the grandparents i want them to be. They are never intreasted in helping out with the children, or even visiting much. My relationship with my parents is such a long story, but for example, they are very conditianial. And are the sort of dog owners who put the dogs before family, ie there grand kids, and there own children. If you disagree with them, or stand up to them they just will diss own you.

I was six weeks pregnant with my first baby and i stood up to them which i have never really done before and got told to f.....off and heard nothing for over a year. My mum rang me a few days after christmas begging for forgiveness. And later met her granddaughter for the first time. She was 18 months old by then and i was 8 months pregnant with my second daughter. I now wish i had never let them back into ours lives.

We have just had another beautiful daughter, and their has been no real guinine intreast AGAIN!!!
They have turned my brother and sister against us, as in playing one off against the other for most of our childhood. And now the realationships have broken down soo much i never hear from them or see them any more, and i have tried so hard with them.

They are so wraped in themsleves and the bloody dogs we are soo far down the list. I could go on and on about them as their is so much to tell. But i would be here all nite.

It should be a previgalidge to be a grandparent and spend time with the grandchildren. But it's all taken so much for granted and not respected and cherished that i have had enough....

How would you handle it? they just make me so sad and my husband very angrey now that its just not worth the upset any more.

What would you do? am i being to harsh? they only live an hours drive away, in quite good health, and only in threr early sixties. But they still do work part-time.


Snoopy x

[maz55]

Hi

So sorry to hear about your experience, I,m a gran and find it hard to see how anyone could be like that, but what you have to remember is that this is their problem, they love their dogs well dogs give unconditional love and ask not a lot in return, they obviously have been starved of love when they were young, after all to interact with kids and grandkids, means an emotional investment, all I can suggest is that you writ to them and just say that you would like them to be part of your life, and that you will always love them, you are not going to chase them any more, you are here, but you are going to get on with your life, and enjoy your kids. Do not blame yourself for their way of life. Hugs Maz

[jill]

Hi Snoopy.

I am soo sorry to hear what you are going through and the deccission you have to make, this is sooo unfair, you should not have to make a deccission like this, BUT sometimes in life we do, go with what your heart tells you.

After finding this site, to distract myself I would go in search of quotes, I found this one.

Always direct your thoughts to those that
will give you confidance, hope, joy, love
and turn away your mind from those that
inspire you with fear, saddness, deppresion.

I don't think you are being harsh at all, please don't think this, you are trying sooo hard to sort your own life out and your familys.

Maz has the good idea, in writing them a letting telling them you love them, but not going to chase them anymore. You don't have to be angry in your letting, but tell them how you feel.

Not been of much help but I do hope you can put your own mind at rest on this one snoopy. Remember, you are a good person and only trying to get peace of mind for yourself and your own family.

You take care

LOVE JILLXX

[miss diagnosis]

Im really sorry to hear about your troubles with y our folks
I had blazing horrible rows with my mother and eldest brother especially after my dad died. it always seems that xmas does that to people

I think you are very courageous for making a stand. I wish i had of done that. Stick to your guns you are doing the right thing

[trac67]

Hi Snoopy,

I can so relate to what you have written, I have not had much contact with my parents since June. I used to look after my dad 3 full days a week for 5 years after he suffered a massive stroke, even though I am a single parent with 3 girls and the stress of it made my anxiety so much worse.

Because I could not face going to my parents 40th wedding anniversary party (big hall, hundred or so people, my complete worse nightmare) my mother told me I was useless and enjoyed suffering with anxiety, which led to a huge row, and her not bringing my dad round anymore for me to look after, and now we never speak unless I ring her to ask how my dad is.

My children miss my dad, but not my mother as she was never your typical nan who took her granchildren out and spoilt them.

My brother and sister sided with my parents, so I don't have any contact with them anymore either.

The way I look at it is my girls are my family and we do fine by ourselves.

My parents and brother and sister know where I am if they need me for anything, but I won't back down as I have done so many times in the past.

Like they say you can chose your friends, but you can't chose your family, and sometimes that saying really rings true.

Love

Trac xxx


'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[snoopy]

Thanks Trac, thankyou all so much. Sorry to hear it's not just me. You have all given me more strength to face the truth about my parents. They haven't even arranged to see us over christmas. Theyn just wanted to drop the presents off, so their precious dogs would not be on their own. My mother even left a mess on the phone last week to say she would like to stay this weekend then changed her mind. Glad i didn't tell the children otherwise they could of been really upset, but she dosen't think of that. Oh gosh!!! i could go on and on.

It's just so hard to stand up to ones parents, especially when they are so conditional. But i just can't aford to put up with it any more as their behaviour makes me so much more anixious. then the palps come on so much worse. I think i might look into adopting a grand-parent. I have thought about it before. What do you all think?

Snoopy


Snoopy x

[annief]

Hi Snoopy,
I'm sorry to hear how wound up you feel about your parents and their relationship with you and your kids. You sound pretty steamed upand I guess there is a lot of past stuff in your posting that you didn't say. I remember that we used to get angry with my husbands parents when our kids were small in the same sort of way (my parents died when Iwas a kid so no comparison). What I wanted to say though, was that now my kids are growing up (21 and twins of 15), I just feel so tired and worn out by 20 years of child rearing that I know I will not want to be involved particularly with any grandchildren. It's a big commitment when you have kids and they take up so much of your time that when you get towards 60 you suddenly think that maybe there are things you wish you had done that you didn't have the time or money to do that you now have a few last years to get around to. Can you make a few small specific requests for help to your parents that would ease the sense of abandonment for you? And you know, dogs are just like toddlers, they need time and care, so in a sense your parents still have some kids at home that they can't just abandon. Sometimes time eases the kind of angst you are feeling if you don't close the doors, it sounds like you really, really need some help and support. Can you find other sources that would take the heat out of the situation with your parents? Good luck anyway.

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Snoopy, I'm an only child and only see my mum. My dad rings once in a blue moon (i've probably seen him 10 times in 35 years). He's never met my 2 youngest children, yet he always goes on about them when he rings, as if he knows them as well as a proper grandad should.

My mum lives literally 5 minutes from my house. I have lived there for 3 years and my mum couldn't even tell you my address, she has never been. My eldest daughter is 18 and my 2 youngest children are 9 and 6. The 2 youngest 2 might as well not exist, yet my eldest is spoilt rotten. I'll never understand the logic in it. Mum has us all running around after her, she doesn't work and is bone idle. She's now moaning that she never has any money, because she is spending it all in the over-priced corner shop when she should be getting off her ass and going to the supermarket which is less than half a mile from where she lives. She always thinks she's right and is a poisonous vindictive so and so at times, but I'll never forgive her for treating my kids differently. My youngest son loves staying at her house (I often wonder if she is Jekyll and Hyde and Kian might see the nice side of her, but she saves the bad side for me and Courtney lol!!)

If I were you Snoopy, I wouldn't waste my time worrying about it. I've always been told that "they'll want you before you want them". Another thing everyone tells me is that my mum doesn't realise what she's doing and that if I brought the subject up she would be upset about it. I've got to the point where I don't really care now, but there is going to come a point where my mum will need me because she lives on her own (she's 65) in a big house and is already moaning about the gardens needing doing and the trees need cutting and the driveway needs sweeping etc.

When my kids were born my mum spent most of her time stood at my back door having a fag than showing any interest in her new granchildren. Don't get me wrong; she has been there for me when I really needed her, its just like she's lost interest and patience with everything. I'm putting it down to owd age and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision, but never set anything in stone because they might surprise you one day.

Take care.

Les, xx

[snoopy]

Thank you Ma Larkin, and all of you that have replied to my topic.

Annif, I have tried writing letters, etc etc. Nothing seems to work, they are such cowards and never respond.

They have always put dogs first. I love dogs myself, but you don't put them before family. For example,they made my husband and the children ( who are all under Six, and i was 7 months pregnant, sit in the garden on quite a chilly day so the puppies didnt get lonely, as they wern't compleatly house trained at the time and we coulden't sit in the lounge. They have got a very small house, but even so, my husband was outraged.

In their minds they are always in the right.


Snoopy x

[lin]

Hi Snoopy
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
I have not spoken to my parents for 16mths my mom says things to hurt people and she knows she does it but doesn't care. It would be pages longs if i went into it.

I'm the youngest of 3 the only daughter i have never been close to my mom she's not a mom you can get close to, she has a favourite in one of my brothers but won't admit it i'm not jealouse but angry she won't admit it.

It's not just that though it's other things, it's not bothering me that i don't see them my kids don't want to bother with them either. My brother loves it that he has my mom and dad to himself he gets what he wants of them.

She never wanted children it was my dad who wanted them she's not a maternal lady my nan always said to her i don't know why you ever had kids. When my youngest was born he was a prem she blamed me for bringing him home from the hospital too early as he went back into hospital as he wasn't well but it was upto the hospital not me.She said to me if anything happened to him she would take my life i didn't need her to say that, thats how hurtful she can be.

I know i am being blamed for my dads heart attack that he had in november but i am not going to be blamed for that. It just shows how much they care two of my kids went to see them and all she could say was "do your parents know you are hear" it was really harsh and then she walked away from them.

It makes me so angry she could treat them like that, they want go and see them now after that.

linda xx

[Lindalou64]

sorry to hear what ya going thru...i lost my mom at 18 so she never got a chance to see my boys and i was blessed to have a mom like her...as for my father they were divorced when i was 1 yrs old one day it bugged me .... he paid no attention to my kids i mean none didnt even know there names..so my councelor at the time said to me what makes you think he is gonna pay any attention or even ackowledge them when he never did for you made sense...hope ya can work it out lifes to short.........linda[8D]