OCD is driving me crazy !!!

[aya]

Hi everyone
I have had an really hard week as it has been transfer week in school.In my previous school i got bullied badly because of my OCD and untrue rumours spread.I started to get really down and self harm. My mum moved me schools to a school a few miles away. I settled into that school no problem ( i didn't have any friends because of OCD but people wernt being mean to me) and have enjoyed my last few year of the middle school. Now i have the problem of going to a school a few miles down the road from my old one as both schools go to the same high school. In order to be prepared for high school you have to spend a week at high school getting to know the place a bit.
On Monday i was terrified to see all of the people from my old school again. People whispered about me as i went into the main school hall. Then at lunch i got made to EAT. With my OCD i fear that i will become ill or my family will if i eat when a fly is in a room or eat anything that has already been opened or is not in a closed packet. This has lead to an eating disorder . I got made to eat 2 pieces of pasta. After lunch i felt sick and couldn't stop thinking about all of the germs on the pasta. I thought i had just gotten a bad cramp but then the pain got worse. Then i got a pain in my chest when i took a breath in and when i tried to get up i almost fell over. I had a panic attack in front of everyone. It was so embarrassing.
On Friday i was sitting in the hall and a boy from my old school shouted Aya is it really true that you use to have sex with your pencil.That was one of the false rumours that went around my old school ( it really is hard to believe how immature they are ). Everyone in the hall turned and stared at me and that's like over 150 people. I wanted to die on the spot right then with all of them eyes on me. I told him to get a life and pretended like i didn't care but the truth is that i do. For the rest of the day all people talked about was me. I told my mum and she contacted my GP on Friday night. My GP has wrote a letter off to a different high school saying i need a place in there school. I cant stop thinking about what if its to late and i don't have a choice what school i go to. What if i have to get through the next few years getting bullied again. My OCD has also been doing my head in making me do rituals again and again all week as well. My uncle who im really close too got told he was terminally ill as his cancer has spread all over his body and i had to say my good byes to him. It was awful . With school, my uncle,my OCD and other family issues i had really bad suicidal thoughts. I self harmed really bad and almost overdosed Saturday night. If my sister didn't stop me im afraid i would have. This is getting way out of control and im getting scared of myself ( if that makes any sense ).I'm so fed up of feeling tired and weak from not eating and im not sleeping good. I went to bed last night at about 10:00 pm and didn't get to sleep till 8:30 am . I didn't sleep all night and when i do sleep i always jump awake and start to shake. Im getting more and more annoyed at myself !!!!
Any advice on anything ?
Best wishes
Aya x

[Sunflower2]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I can relate to your story on various levels - I have ocd and it's about eating and I've had it since I was about 14, so right in the middle of secondary school. I was also bullied really badly as I'm thin and used to be called anorexic and whatever else they thought of and it was a horrible time. BUT. I want to give you hope that it will get better. Hey I've still got my ocd, it still makes me crazy about food, my friends all think I'm still weird, but they love me for who I am. (Or I hope they do!!) when I was in the worst days of bullying I was so miserable I couldn't see how my life could be any better and I just wanted to escape. Since those days, I've gone to university and completed it, somehow, travelled with my friends, achieved more than I thought was possible, did things that terrified me, and I did this all while my ocd hung around in the background. Don't let some bullies think you're worthless, you are so important to so many people and you can do whatever you want with your life. Don't lose hope, I know it's impossible to see right now but I just wanted to give you hope that from someone who has experienced similar to you, there's a lot more to life than a few measly years at school. Once you're free from there, the world will be out there ready for you. Don't give in!

[Shaznayhawkes]

I'm really saddened to hear how things have been for you, and I'm sorry that you have to put with such unkind people in your school.

Do you have an adult in your new school that can support you, kind of a go to person whilst you wait to hear about transferring to a new school? Even if you are going to go to a new school, it's important that the school challenge these bullies, because it isn't ok.

Easier said than done, but don't allow those people to make you think badly of yourself. I'm sure you have plenty of people that love you and want to support you. You may have OCD, and it may make you different to other people, but so what? These bullies are nasty and thoughtless and don't deserve you wasting your time on them.

Hang in there, things can get better xx:bighug1:

[Toniandhollie]

Aya, hope you don't mind me asking but does your mum know you are self harming, or only your sister and uncle? My daughter self harmed from age 12 -very similar reasons with the bullying, though different reasons why she was bullied, though immature sexual things featured. Also went to senior school with kids from the primary school I had taken her out of due to the bullying there. Although you and your mum have been to the doctor, it doesn't sound like the harming was mentioned - when I knew what was happening self harm wise, we managed to get a referral from the doctor for CAMHS, you don't say what help you're getting other than changing schools, I think you need more. But I'm glad you were able to come and say what was happening here .. that's really good, tell your mum more, please :) take care, Toni xxx

[aya]

On mothers day ( the worst day ever ) my mum noticed my scars. She asked what was wrong and when i didn't respond she noticed it was self harm. She cried and cried then asked me how i cold do this to her. She told me she thought i would have more sense. I waited a week or so and then told my mum i had stopped. I coldnt bare to see her look so depressed. I said that i was fine and she didn't need to worry. After a lot of convincing she believed me. I only self harm on my hips now so she cant see the scars. I feel awful that i had to lie to her but i cant bring myself to make her so worried. If she ever found out that i tried to kill myself she would totally freak out. She would say she was a crap parent and everything, My sister has social anxiety, depression and also suffers from self harm. I cant put my mum through this again. I watched how much my sister hurt my mum.
Aya x

[Toniandhollie]

oh Aya, big hug for you. Such an awkward position, I felt like a "crap parent" too when Hol told me (still do some days tbh), but took her to the doctor, which you really need to do as well. You think you are hurting her by telling her, but truth is you can't help the way you are feeling at the moment and the need to self harm. No more than your sister can help the way she feels. By protecting your mum, you can't help you. Is there anyway you can get to the doctor, with your sister or someone else. I know this means you aren't telling your mum, but if it came up in the future you could show her you were looking for solutions, not just a problem for her, and she might be able to deal with that better. Not an ideal answer I know, but all I can think of at the moment. keep safe xxxx

PS a joke that may make you smile .... I have CDO, its the same as OCD but the letters are in the correct order .... as they should be ;)