Christmas depression

[dorabella]

Anyone else find they start to feel low towards the end of the year, particularly once the Christmas merry go round starts up?

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for the last 12 years, and have been fortunate that the depression has been in abeyance for the most part for the last 2 or 3 of them. Whilst I am also well aware of the irrational nature of depression and depressive thought, I can't help feeling the black cloud start to hover as soon as the clocks go back and Christmas looms on the horizon.

For the last two or three weeks I have been up and down like a yo-yo. Christmas shopping, what little I have done has been a nightmare - I can't bear the crowds, the noise and the pressure. I have only just made myself sit down and write out the Christmas cards that I bought in early November and that made me feel tense enough. The 'we must meet up before Christmas' calls and arrangements from well-meaning friends have made my stomach churn - some I have attended and others I have excused myself from.

The worst part of it for me - Christmas itself - is yet to come. I usually stay over with my family from Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (they live 150 miles away), but the thought of staying away from my home for two days is getting me into a right state. I feel panicky when away from my home and routine, not to mention 'trapped' (there is no way to get back home if my fears get the worst of me as there is no public transport for two days). My parents are smashing about it all and understand the state I get in, but I feel guilty every year about still getting in this state and putting them (and myself) through it.

If it were up to me I would be happier just to crawl into a dark corner and stay there until it is all over, but the guilt of letting people down just hangs over me. So for now the event is looming ever nearer and my anxiety is getting the better of me (along with the nausea and the physical discomfort that accompany it).

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? How do you cope with it?
Perhaps I should just admit that I am Mrs Scrooge incarnate and be done with it!!

[Dave777]

You are not alone, we are all expected to feel the joys of the season, but for some it can bring back memories and raise many issues with lots of stress.
Sometimes it feels like a present buying and feeding frenzy.

There are many good things about Christmas of course, magic for the kids.
I would be interested to hear from others if they have difficulties.

New Years Eve always seems to be a time of reflection, maybe I should try looking forward?

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ON NMP:)

[bluebottle]

Hi dorabella,

I feel exactly like you do, which isn't helped this year by a relationship I was in ending. I was booked to attend my Sisters for Christmas and my Dad's place for Boxing day, but as my mood got lower I decided enough was enough. I didn't like Christmas due to having a Mother who always disliked it when I was a child, I was not going to enjoy the strain of being social, so I told my Sister that I was going to spend it alone. Yes, initially she saw it as a touch of insanity (Christmas alone?!) but now the message has sunk in. So I am going to rent some good DVDs, walk the dog, and if I want to even do a bit of decorating. I'm not going to conform just to satisfy my family, however well intentioned their motives. I'm an adult and I can do what I want, and this year that is peace and quiet. I hope you can achieve it also, or that if you do go to your parents, your worries prove unfounded.

Take care, and remember that even people who don't experience depression do sometimes dread Christmas. It is the media that whips up this Christmas madness that the world seems incapable of resisting.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/innerchildhealing/

[keepemlaughing]

Hello Dorabella,
I have felt exactly how you have described. It used to be my birthday that triggered some of the worst and deepest depressions. I can't even begin to describe how horrible I would begin to feel from a week before until weeks afterwards. Christmas' were not much better. I just hated all holidays because they triggered the depression and anxiety. Looking back on it all, I think I hated them because it pointed out how much of a failure I was; a year older but definitely worse if anything. And the fear of dissatisfying someone with the wrong gift would get to me. I was shopping with my granddaughter on Sunday and I must have said 10 times, "I hate Christmas". What a horrible thing to say to a 9 year old child. What if I pass that on to her and she "hates Christmas" when she grows up. Its not Christmas I hate, but me maybe???
You are not alone. God bless and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Sheryl[:o)]

Sheryl

Always expect a train.

[rozie]

Hi everybody . I'm a newcomer her but have found so much comfort already in all your messages.

As for the Christmas madness... I consider myself lucky in that I have no pressures whatsoever around the holidays and can do what I want. Now some friends of mine worry on my behalf and want to drag me off to visit THEIR parents but usually they come back and need refuge at myhouse for an evening as they recount the horror stories of happy family life made crazy by all the holiday hype.

I think you have simply got to do what works for you one step at a time and not allow all the outside madness to take hold. If you are feeling off balance, i suspect it is not because of your particular problems. Even the collest and most chilled out people I know are getting jittery about Christmas.

It sounds as if your parents are understanding and lovely. Try not to think too far ahead and just allow your family to support you. Just having you with them is all they want. You are not a performing seal. They expect nothing more from you than for you to just be yourself..afterall that is what they love you for you know!

[rozie]

Sheryl

You sound like a lovely Grandmother..and I have no doubt you are well loved!

Saying you hate Christmas is nothing more than your honest expression of what you are feeling. In my opinion your grandchild is a very lucky little person!

[keepemlaughing]

Thank you so much Rosie. It is amazing how one little thing can brighten your whole day. You just did that for me!!
Merry Christmas love.
Sheryl

Sheryl

Always expect a train.

[bearcrazy]

hi, I always start to feel 'down'
at this time of year, even though I love Christmas. Trouble is by the time it comes I am soooo tired I just want to curl up with a good book, not cook turkey for the family! I use a SAD lamp at work, it certainly brightens up the place. Hope whatever you do on the 25th, you have a peaceful day!!!
TC xxxxx

[dorabella]

Thank you for all your messages - I can identify with each and every one of you.

I would really appreciate being able to spend the holidays alone without the pressure of feeling I have to oblige everyone else's conscience. But unfortunately I am soft hearted. My mum understands how I feel perfectly (she also suffers from the same depressions as me) but she feels duty bound to stop me from sinking into the slough of despond!

I usually feel rotten on Christmas Day (I hate not waking up in my own bed and usual surroundings and I can't relax there for the same reason). By Boxing Day I begin to settle a bit. I think, as for all of us, it is the anticipation of the event which is the killer.

Well I hope we all manage to get through this annual torture session in one piece. Roll on the New Year I say.

D

[sapphire]

I'm absolutely dreading christmas this year. We're having our first big family christmas together in about 4 years. The last time we were all together my grandmother took it upon herself to announce to everybody everything wrong I was doing with my life and how much I'm in my sisters' shadow - all while I was within earshot.

This year it was going to be me, my parents, my grandparents, my sisters and their partners and my great aunt. One of my sisters might not now be able to come due to all the hassle with flights and my great aunt has already definitely pulled out. My other sister is only going to be there for christmas eve and christmas day morning - she won't be there for the big meal.

I don't want to have dinner with just my parents and my grandparents it's too hard. I can't say this to anyone else but I actually hate my grandparents- especially my grandmother. She's so manipulative and she just doesn't care what she says to people or how she hurts them - then when I don't spend time with them she acts all upset.

I love my parents but all the same - I just wish christmas was over.

[keepemlaughing]

Hi Sapphire.
My daughters feel the same way about my mom. She has always acted like my son could do no wrong, but had nothing but bad to say about my girls. They couldn't care less about her. The sad part is that although they don't care about her, deep down they are still very hurt that she is such a horrible grandmother and they don't know why. I was always my mom's favorite and she treated my older sister like crap. Out of my sister's kids, she loved two but treated the third like she didn't exist. We have brought it up on many occassions but she gets all butt hurt and denies it completely. She claims to love all of us the same. Yeah, right. Anyway, I am sorry that you will be forced to spend time with her this Christmas. Any way to fake sickness to get out of it? Or is there anyone you can with right after dinner? I hate the thought that you will have to endure a whole day with unpleasant circumstances. I wish you the best.

Sheryl

Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?

[sapphire]

Hi Sheryl,

Thanks for letting me know you have a similar situation. The thing is it's going to last longer than christmas as due to anxiety/depression I haven't yet moved out of home and my grandparents recently moved in with us. I've kind of gotten away with seeing them as little as possible but they still try and guilt trip me at every opportunity. When other people are around my grandmother acts all "nice" but when it's just me and her she's always really rude to me.

I used to like living with my parents but since they moved in with us things just haven't been the same. So I guess I'm going to have to work on my anxiety extra super hard so I can get a proper job and move out.

[keepemlaughing]

That would certainly inspire me to get myself together! I didn't know they lived with you. That must be horrible. I know you must want to say something to her about it, but how to do that without disrespecting her....well probably no way around that. Keep your head up and a smile on your face. That will drive them crazy!!
Merry Christmas,
Sheryl

Sheryl

Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?

[headcase]

Today I undecorated. Throwing the naked tree off the balcony was very liberating! My family puts the "fun" in dysfuntional. We had the usual lets pretend everything is fine, good time. Meanwhile I felt like a volcano simmering on the verge of explosion. For me when Christmas is over, it is so over.