Extremely neurotic while dating [Archive]

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harasgenster

15-07-14, 23:02

I recently started dating again and I've found myself to be extremely neurotic - I'm ruining the fun for myself and I'm worried that if my neurosis gets out of control I will scare people away.

Sorry for the ensuing long story, need to write it down and get it off my chest and I could also do with some reassurance from outside folk telling me I'm being crazy or agreeing with me that this guy is gone:

So me and C met a couple of weeks ago and had a really great date. At the time I met him (off an online dating site) I was in a non-exclusive 'arrangement' with a friend of mine and was frankly looking for something casual. C wanted time to think about whether or not he was up for anything informal but I took it he didn't. He texted me flirty messages the next night but when I eventually asked him to see me again he got back to say he had another date and had had fun with me etc. I took it as a one-night stand, felt upset, then moved on.

A week later I got another message from C recalling something from the first date. We texted for a while and C asked me round to his for dinner. I was busy that night, so declined. He texted me a few hours later asking if I would go for a walk and we set a date. We met up a couple of days later for our second date and it was a lot of fun. He asked if I was in the same 'situation' - at the time I was but I was seriously reconsidering and thinking of going exclusively with C. I told him I wasn't ready to make a decision and didn't want to rush into anything. He said he really liked me and I was really fun and although he wanted something exclusive he had come to accept my situation. But he wasn't going to continue being ok with it forever and wanted a decision when I was ready. When I said I was glad he had got back in contact he reckoned he had never been 'out of contact' (don't believe him) and had 'just been thinking' (still don't believe him but I didn't tell him that, obviously). Although, to be fair, when he did his little diatribe about how he felt about my 'arrangement' it did sound like he'd really thought it through.

The next day I decided to ditch my arrangement and told C I would see him exclusively. He seemed happy and we arranged a date for Monday. That night I got pretty drunk with the friend I had this arrangement with and we kissed goodbye in public in the centre of town. We joked that if this was a sitcom C would walk out of the shops and see us and I would lose both of them - I realised straight away I would get neurotic about that!

The next morning (Thursday) I was indeed feeling neurotic so I texted C to suggest we go to the art gallery for our date, hoping that his reply with something like 'sounds good' would reassure me he had seen nothing and all was good. No response.

I then went out of my mind for four days during which I did not hear from C, although I noticed he looked at my profile on the dating site a couple of times.

On Sunday, I had still not heard from him. I eventually texted to suggest he come to mine for dinner as the gallery was closed on Monday. No response. Six hours later I decided it wouldn't look needy to call him seeing as we still technically had a date the next day. He didn't pick up. I was now CONVINCED he had seen me kiss someone else, even though my friends told me I was being ridiculous. Thinking I didn't have a date and feeling terrible I cried for about two hours until I finally got a text after 11pm saying he was sorry he missed my call but he was sleeping off a hangover from a stag do and that he would come to mine for 7.30.

He turned up at my house the next day but he didn't bring any wine or anything and he had made no effort at all, which he had on the first two dates (in fact, he looked at me and said 'wow, you're wearing a dress and stuff, I should have made more effort').

He seemed distracted and looked down at the table a lot. I tried to ask lightly if he was still recovering from the weekend and he said he was still feeling spaced out. But he was more physical than before, touching my arm a lot and reaching out to me. And then we went out on a walk and he put his arm around me and kissed me etc. He also put his arm around me when we sat down to watch TV before bed, which was more intimate than we had been before.

But then he seemed stressed during the night. At one point he suddenly sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, as if to go. I asked if he was alright and he said he was fine and lay back down, seeming half asleep. He did say he wasn't feeling well this morning, as well.

This morning, when we were saying goodbye I got a peck on the mouth and 'see you later' before he went to his car. I haven't heard from him tonight.

So...basically, I've convinced myself that since he didn't contact me between Wednesday and Sunday and never got back to the text I sent on Thursday he had changed his mind on me for some reason. Perhaps he thought me texting on the Thursday morning was overzealous and I was getting clingy? Maybe he just woke up on Thursday morning and realised he didn't actually really like me as he thought he had and had just been swept away.

I've convinced myself he only came to mine last night because he felt he'd made a commitment by saying he was going to, hence why he didn't confirm the date until after 11pm - because he didn't actually want to be there. And the reason he seemed stressed in the night was because he knew he was never going to see me again and felt guilty. I don't think I came off as neurotic yesterday, or defensive, or overly negative, but I keep recounting things in my mind and finding fault with myself. Maybe he thinks i'm really neurotic now or really over-negative? I said a couple of things that sounded negative (about my job being boring and stuff), but then I said something along the lines of 'I shouldn't be so negative, the people I work with are lovely' etc etc. At some point it came up that he hadn't organised himself for the date (don't think I brought it up) and I said something along the lines of 'yeah, you didn't bring anything!' I intended it as a joke, but I think there was an edge in my voice because I was a bit offended, to be honest, that he hadn't put any effort in. Does that make me sound awful, do you think? Or does it make me sound self-respecting and normal?

Can someone tell me if I'm being a moron? Am I reading something into this that isn't there? I'm really ruining this for myself - I'm having no fun at all - and if I keep telling myself he doesn't want to see me I'm going to act neurotically or defensively on future dates (if there are any) and completely destroy this.

Brunette

16-07-14, 11:22

harasgenster

16-07-14, 13:09

It sounds to me as if he's got you right where he wants you - agreeing to see him exclusively then being pretty unconcerned about where and when he wants to see you.

If I were you I'd let him do all the running for a while and see how keen he really is to be with you. Take note of what he does, not what he says, and make a judgement call a few weeks time.

To be perfectly honest it sounds as if he isn't really as interested as he says he is and that he's keeping his own options open.

So be cautious. Give him a chance, keep it casual but don't let him play games with you.

Thanks :) See that's what I was thinking. I was totally fine with everything when I was dating people non-exclusively because I didn't really get hung up on anyone in particular and I didn't think about whether or not they were in touch between dates because I just wasn't thinking about them. But now I know I'm not technically allowed to date other people all my eggs are in one basket! Not sure how much I'm enjoying this - although he's great as a person and I'm very attracted to him, I do prefer it when they're chasing me (which he really was at first). What I'm going to try and do is box him off in my mind and put him in an attic somewhere so I can get through my days without all this anxiety. I think it's pretty clear that if he's not as interested as he said he was it's not because of anything I've done, so I won't take it personally. Just got to try and keep myself busy now and remind myself there are many, many other men...

Did dating used to be fun? I seem to remember it being fun...

harasgenster

16-07-14, 22:07

Actually, I snapped and texted to see how he was - which he did after the first two dates, and got an immediate reply that he'd been in hospital, so perhaps I'm judging the third date too harshly if he was actually unwell.

I've also realised that my anxiety is about the idea of me losing something by doing something wrong - it's all about me failing. I just have to remember this isn't about failing or succeeding, it's just about getting to know someone, and then I won't feel so anxious.

Phew...

Brunette

17-07-14, 15:57

That's a good way of looking at it.

The only thing I would say is that if you are going out exclusively, rather than casually, than you are entitled to have slightly higher expectations. If he doesn't meet them you're quite entitled to tell him you no longer want that arrangement.

See how forthcoming he is about his hopitalisation and see how it goes. It's a good test - if he can't trust you enough to tell you what's been wrong it's not a great start.

chung

17-07-14, 16:15

The only thing I would say is that if you are going out exclusively, rather than casually, than you are entitled to have slightly higher expectations. If he doesn't meet them you're quite entitled to tell him you no longer want that arrangement.

I disagree. No woman is entitled to anything out of a man. We all want different things out of each other. Thats what makes relationships hard. There are always two sides though. You are obviously only biased in favor of the womans side!

Fishmanpa

17-07-14, 16:22

AnxietyDJ

17-07-14, 16:25

I disagree. No woman is entitled to anything out of a man. We all want different things out of each other. Thats what makes relationships hard. There are always two sides though. You are obviously only biased in favor of the womans side!

Chung, please don't start with the anti-female trolling again :)

Yes, nobody is entitled to anything, but we can expect a level of caring and respect from our partners (and friends), otherwise they wouldn't be our partners (or friends) in the first place.

nomorepanic

17-07-14, 17:20

Chung has now been prevented from replying to this thread

harasgenster

17-07-14, 20:11

Hello all
Thanks to those who read my long and neurotic story :) I've totally calmed down about this now. I was massively overthinking and overanalysing everything and once I realised that what I was experiencing was a fear of failure (when he actually texted me before the date I wasn't excited, I just felt like I hadn't screwed up and was relieved) I just learned to shrug it off.

It took until today for me to finally reach boiling point and then think to myself: is any of this really that important? And then all the stress was gone.

If he doesn't ask me out again it will be because I was neurotic on the third date. Not massively so, but it showed through a couple of times, and I wouldn't have been so neurotic if I wasn't so afraid of somehow failing. If he does ask me out again, well I've calmed down now so it'll be fun again.

But if he doesn't ask me out again, I'm not going to take it personally. It's got nothing to do with who I am (he has made it abundantly clear that he likes who I am very much), it's because I was stressed out and if he felt that stress off me - well, I wouldn't want to be stressed on a date, would you?! I don't see the stress as being a part of me, it's the thing I'm learning not to do :). The bit I'm focusing on right now - the bit I should have been focusing on a week ago - is that I made a really good impression on the first two dates and I've met someone I like very much. So I feel really...happy. Not because I'm in high hopes - who knows what will happen next - but because those dates where I was being myself went really well.

I must agree slightly with Chung here, by the way. I don't know if I'd say I'm entitled to anything. He is entitled to say that he would rather see me and just me (he did actually say I could do what I want but he didn't know how long he'd be able to cope with it) and I'm entitled to do whatever the hell I like. If for any reason I don't find this exciting or fun I can stop seeing him. That's the only thing I'm entitled to. I'd say at this stage I'm probably also entitled to a text if he doesn't want to see me again. Not an explanation, just a 'this isn't working out'. But we're both entitled to either see each other again or walk away - and in my opinion after a few dates you should probably let them know if you're not going to see them again - and that's all we're entitled to.

Brunette

18-07-14, 08:21

I disagree. No woman is entitled to anything out of a man. We all want different things out of each other. Thats what makes relationships hard. There are always two sides though. You are obviously only biased in favor of the womans side!

I'll point out the problems with this statement shall I?

Firstly, there is a difference between a casual relationship and an exclusive one. In the second there is more of an emotional investment. You would expect to see much more of each other, perhaps be introduced to freinds, family, go on holidays together and the like. If someone's saying they want to see you exclusively but then doesn't seem particularly bothered about seeng you at all then it's obvious they aren't actually that serious about you which is why I'm urging caution at the moment.

Secondly, why do you make the assumption that I wouldn't be giving exactly the same advice if the OP was a man instead of a woman? Or gay instead of straight? It merely displays your prejudice.

It's like a boomerang you see Chung, the ignorant and immature nonsense you try to project onto other people just comes right back at you. You're the only one being damaged by your opinions.

---------- Post added at 08:21 ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 ----------

But anyway, To return to the topic: haransgester what you are both entitled to is to know where you stand which is the point I was making.

The difference beween "casual" and "exclsive" should be pretty clear. If one feels like the other then you have a right to question it.

But it sounds as if you have calmed down about the situation and are happy to wait and see how things work out. That's really good, so just relax and enjoy.

harasgenster

18-07-14, 16:46

I'll point out the problems with this statement shall I?

Firstly, there is a difference between a casual relationship and an exclusive one. In the second there is more of an emotional investment. You would expect to see much more of each other, perhaps be introduced to freinds, family, go on holidays together and the like. If someone's saying they want to see you exclusively but then doesn't seem particularly bothered about seeng you at all then it's obvious they aren't actually that serious about you which is why I'm urging caution at the moment.

Secondly, why do you make the assumption that I wouldn't be giving exactly the same advice if the OP was a man instead of a woman? Or gay instead of straight? It merely displays your prejudice.

It's like a boomerang you see Chung, the ignorant and immature nonsense you try to project onto other people just comes right back at you. You're the only one being damaged by your opinions.

---------- Post added at 08:21 ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 ----------

But anyway, To return to the topic: haransgester what you are both entitled to is to know where you stand which is the point I was making.

The difference beween "casual" and "exclsive" should be pretty clear. If one feels like the other then you have a right to question it.

But it sounds as if you have calmed down about the situation and are happy to wait and see how things work out. That's really good, so just relax and enjoy.

Thanks. I think it's that this guy never dates nonexclusively. We're not in a relationship or anything. We've only met each other three times so we don't even know if we're going to like each other or not.

I don't normally date nonexclusively myself, I was just giving it a try. Kind of wish I hadn't agreed to it now, though, because to be honest I was expecting more communication so that I could focus on one person, but if I'm not going to hear from him I sort of want to be dating around...I'll give it another week.

Not that I'm looking for a relationship, to be honest. I would with this guy, but I suppose I'd have to look at what the point is of dating other people except sex of course.

Trying to keep my mind off it. I'm going up and down but I keep reminding myself I'm anxious about the idea that a) I could make mistakes and b) the uncertainty of it all. I don't actually know him so I wouldn't lose anything anyway if he decided not to go out with me.

The thing with me is that I make things so massive in my mind. This is just the normal nerves a lot of women go through, except with me it's led to a day of barely eating anything at one point and no actual work being done at my job this week. It's like I can't quite cope with any level of anxiety, it just explodes.

Good practice really in managing my emotions...

harasgenster

20-07-14, 16:26

And then I failed to manage my emotions and completely screwed it up. I'm so disappointed in myself. It's not so much that I've lost something that would have been amazing - no one knows what it could have been - it's that getting overly anxious about the whole thing meant I'll never find out. And what could have been something nice in my life is no longer and I'm stuck again with a lot of complex shit to deal with and nothing nice and simple and fun. Which is what this could have been.

I get so angry at the anxiety, so incredibly angry at it. I'm so much better than I was, but I'm so frustrated that this still affects my life even when I try to do everything possible to manage it. It's obvious I'm not ready to start seeing people if I can't relax enough to have fun. This one actually seemed normal and happy and positive and he obviously has tons of self respect. He was incredibly nice about it and seemed genuinely compassionate. I'll meet others like him eventually, but next time I need to chill out. So, so disappointed.

Brunette

21-07-14, 10:03

What happened? What do you think you did?

harasgenster

21-07-14, 18:26

What happened? What do you think you did?

I've stopped viewing this as being 'my fault' now, I was just being human. Also, there's something up with that guy and I'm pretty angry at myself for not being more assertive.

I've realised that I just haven't been having fun recently - in any area of my life - and the first two dates were so much fun and I loved being chased so I thought I'd go exclusive with this guy so I could have fun in my life. That meant I put waaaay too much pressure on myself, though, and on the situation itself to be fun for me.

So I couldn't chill out, it was my ONLY source of fun (I do have a busy social life but frankly almost all of my friends are in need of my psychological help right now so I play agony aunt a lot, and I hate my job etc., so I've been under too much stress), and I started to rely on it for fun AND not just call it off when I realised he was being weird.

So what happened, in bullet points:

- I phoned on Friday, sick of not knowing whether or not we were still dating and feeling too neurotic about the whole thing to just start seeing other people (I was genuinely worried about upsetting the guy!) I realised straight away on the phone he did want to see me again, felt awkward, mumbled a bit, he didn't hear, we laughed it off. Thought everything was fine.

- On Saturday he phoned and wanted to know why I'd phoned him because he got the impression I was 'checking up on him'! (Strange conclusion to jump to - major red flag for me) But giving him the benefit of the doubt I explained that I wasn't sure where I stood. He said he 'definitely' wanted to see me again but:

1) He doesn't really 'do texts' and I shouldn't expect them every night (I didn't. He hadn't initiated a conversation outside of a date for almost a fortnight.)
2) He was really busy right now and we'd have to 'ad lib', which meant he could only 'try' to let me know in advance when he could see me (!!!)
3) When I used the word 'dating' he said 'if you want to put a label on it I suppose it is kind of dating
4) That his little 'exclusivity' talk on the 2nd date was for my benefit, not his, because I seemed preoccupied (I wasn't. He brought it up!!!)

So now I'm furious. Absolutely fuming. I should have called it off - it was on the tip of my tongue - but I was still determined to have my fun so instead I sent a (very passive aggressive) text after the call saying I had misunderstood his little talk on the second date and I had thought he wanted to date exclusively, but I was very happy with something more casual (thus allowing me to see other people guilt free - just shouldn't have even felt guilty about it, tbh).

I got a text the next morning saying he'd never used words like exclusive or casual and I was overcomplicating things and putting words in his mouth. I SNAPPED. Completely. I was furious. I sent a massive diatribe impulsively that was waaaay overdetailed and basically revealed that I'd been obsessing about the whole thing< thus making me look mental. He phoned immediately to call it off, saying I didn't have a point because we'd only met each other three times and this was way too deep for three dates. I completely caved and felt ridiculous all of a sudden because I'd got myself so wound up about someone I had only seen three times - frankly, I felt like a nutcase. So I said I'd been under a lot of stress recently and obviously wasn't in the right place to be seeing anyone, he came off as really understanding and compassionate about it like a really nice guy etc.

And then I thought I'd been completely crazy and ruined everything for myself. But I was wrong about that.

In reality, yes I'd been a bit crazy, it's weird to do such a diatribe with someone you don't really know, and to get so worked up about it, but I understand why I did that now.

But the craziest thing I did was to keep hoping it would get fun for me and keep giving him the benefit of the doubt instead of going with my guts before date 3 and thinking 'this guy's playing me' and calling it off. No one is too busy to reply to a text from someone they're dating and supposed to 'really like' (his words).

The only thing I'm angry at is that I let this get to me so much.

Oh God I feel better now....sorry about the long message but I think I really needed that!

Fishmanpa

21-07-14, 19:00

harasgenster

21-07-14, 23:34

I've been reading this thread and just wanted to offer a point of view. Mind you, I'm older so my views may be a bit dated.

Before I met my wife, I dated a bit. Nothing serious, just fun really. I met some really great women and some really neurotic women as well. The way I see it is we're all "whacked", just to different degrees. When we meet someone equally whacked, all seems normal ;)

Anyway.... I don't do texts either. It's convenient for certain things but if you want to talk to me, pick up the phone and call. I went on a couple dates with a woman and we had a good time. Then the texts started coming. Silly things, pictures, jokes etc., and at all hours of the day and night! I finally called her at 2am after being woken up by a text message and told her to stop. She got insulted and I got a passive aggressive email the next day. That was it for me. BLOCKED!

Relax... have fun. Go in with no expectations and you won't be let down. 3 dates is much too soon to discuss exclusivity IMO. I'm old fashioned in that I don't do nor ever did the "friends with benefits" kind of thing. If things get to the point of physical intimacy, I'm the one who brings up exclusivity if it hasn't been discussed. Things are a little to dangerous out there these days to be physically intimate without being monogamous. To me, that's the time to discuss it.

That being said, what's done is done and use it as a stepping stone to something that works for you. I'm sure you'll

Positive thoughts

I know...I realised when I was out walking just then that I read way too much into his talk on the second date. What he said was he really liked me, he thought I was really fun, he'd had a think about nonexclusivity and had decided that he only wanted to see me, but that I could do what I wanted. But that meant that if it started to bother him he could walk away at any point without having 'the talk'. He seemed emotional about it. In reality he was probably just worried he'd get hurt. But what I read into it was: "I don't like the nonexclusivity thing, but I like you so much I'm willing to accept it to be with you" and from then on my mindset changed from 'casual' to 'exclusive' and I thought we were 'dating' and then I had all these expectations.

He didn't actually say that, though, did he? I'd set up expectations for him that I wanted something casual, so of course he remained disengaged...

Oh God, I feel like such a fool! And I'm so disappointed. I mean, it was just a misunderstanding, and it did start on a weird note. But I feel like such a fool...I wish I hadn't done the whole 'yeah, I'm obviously just under too much stress and not in the right place to see anyone right now' thing with him. I wish I'd realised that that was what had happened earlier so that I could now give him a message to explain...but I can't...no fixing it now...GAH!

---------- Post added at 23:34 ---------- Previous post was at 20:10 ----------

Relax... have fun. Go in with no expectations and you won't be let down.

This is exactly the problem in this situation. I had no expectations at first, then when he said he really liked me etc. and I got this idea in my head that he'd spent 10 days considering whether he wanted to be with me, rather than the far more logical 'considering whether he was ok with something nonexclusive with anyone', I felt flattered and my expectations changed. From then on I felt let down and thought I was being played.

I think if we'd started in a normal way - without the whole can I deal with being non-exclusive thing - then I probably would have been fine.

Anyway, I've had my big cry tonight, mostly about 'I get neurotic and ruin everything even when I'm trying really hard to relax' and how that means I rarely have fun or enjoy anything. I'm not really angry at myself now, I'm angry that this situation happened - that I couldn't relax - because I could have had a nice time. Particularly angry after I've worked so hard on the anxiety and I tried to put everything I'd learned into practice in this situation and still wasn't able to relax.

But anxiety is frustrating and there's no use thinking about this anymore. I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be and a lot of women do get anxious if they don't know whether they're seeing someone they like again, so I'm not going to be too harsh on myself.

Fishmanpa

22-07-14, 01:42

Of course don't beat yourself up. We all have a few war stories under our belts ;) Finishing my thought from before.... You'll find someone and things will just work. Most likely when you least expect it. I met my wife like that. I had no expectations and BAM! I'm married and very happy :D

Positive thoughts

Brunette

22-07-14, 08:44

So pretty much what I said in my first comment then?

My advice would be to stop overthinking this now and move on. Like Fishmanpa says, don't beat yourself up over it. And he's right - good relationships do tend to come along when you least expect them.

harasgenster

22-07-14, 12:55

Thanks both.

To be honest, I'm not even interested in dating at the moment. I wasn't when I met this guy, but he changed my mind.

I'm not beating myself up about it particularly, but I have been really upset. I've just come home from work this afternoon because I couldn't cope anymore.

It's not that I've lost someone I really liked - I did like him, but at this stage I obviously didn't have 'feelings' - it's that I lost my head so much that I couldn't see straight. If it was the case that 'I'm just not in the right place at the moment', like I said to him, that would be fine. But I haven't been in the 'right place' for years. The message I've got from this - and it's probably mad - is "you just can't have nice things, you'll get neurotic, go mad, and completely wreck them".

I'm not as crazy as I came off to him. I know I'm not crazy. But I did come off as a nutcase. And that's because I got so neurotic. And that was even with trying to listen to other people and trying to manage my emotions. I just feel like there's no point in anything. I can't enjoy anything. And when something comes up that could actually be fun - that could actually be a nice thing for me - I completely ruin it because I get so neurotic.

I've done everything I can to stop this kind of thing from happening, and it still happens. I just don't want to keep fighting anymore. I don't see the point in doing anything anymore. It's not just dating, it's everything. I haven't enjoyed anything for months. I'm so sick of this.

harasgenster

24-07-14, 14:29

Just thought I'd write here to let you know how things went.

I really threw both me and him a curveball with the whole non-exclusivity stuff right a the beginning. I felt from date 1 that I'd already screwed up and I needed reassurance that I hadn't. Obviously, I didn't get that, and I gradually got myself completely worked up over nothing.

He isn't needy - that's one of the reasons I liked him - so he won't be back in touch. Any of the men I've been out with before would be back in touch, but I wanted something different (someone who wants me, rather than needs me to fill a gap in their life - someone happy).

This was a wake-up call for me. I've never behaved like that around dating before. I've never even sat around waiting for someone to ask me out before, I just ask them and see if they say yes.

So I met a really nice guy who I really liked and because of the situation in which we met each other I was never going to feel comfortable. That's life. There will be others, though fortunately I don't feel like I need there to be. Now I've realised it was the situation that made me neurotic instead of me 'being a terribly neurotic person who can't date anymore', I've gone back into dating.

But elsewhere, I've realised that if I felt so needy this time there's something wrong in my life. I've taken a week off work, contacted my old therapist (who was very helpful) and I've made a bunch of changes that will make my life more fun from now on.

I'm devastated, if I'm honest. It's extremely frustrating that we both liked each other and I wasn't able to hold it together. I haven't immediately hit it off with anyone as much as I did this time for eight years. I guess that was in my mind too, which put more pressure on.

But I've learned my lesson. Worry a lot less about other people's feelings (i.e. they don't need to know I'm seeing other people) and if I start feeling uncomfortable I need to call it off or suggest this isn't a good time and wait a month before contacting them again.

We all have regrets, I'll get over this one. Thanks everybody for your help!