aj1982
16-07-14, 13:25
hello everyone, I found this site in a web search today. I started to get anxiety and obsessional thoughts when I was 11 years old back then the things going through my head caused me huge shame and I could never talk to anyone about it, I totally skipped school so missed out on all my high school education. I found comfort in movies and TV shows. I'd watch a movie and it would put everything else in my mind right to the back and somehow I could hold onto that feeling almost as though i was living in the movie but also living my life too, that's the best i can describe it. Basically living in my own world a perfect world in a way, I hit 13 and got drunk for the first time and it made that world so much more believable no matter how anxious or depressed I got I could just drink and be lost in that world it was the ultimate escape I could listen to love songs and imagine I was in love and happy or watch a movie and I could be saving the world it was filling the emptiness inside me i couldn't fill in a tangible way. when i couldn't drink I was eating massive amounts and I'd tipped the scale at 30 stone walking was difficult and the amount of cigarettes I was smoking didn't help the Dr told me I had early stage liver damage but that didn't stop me I continued because I couldnt face life without the my coping mechanisms. I was self harming and my family had to call for an ambulance a few times and I was almost sectioned and after the local psychiatrists and cpns gave up on me (they had to I wouldn't listen to anyone) I was put with a local team that dealt with people that had everything else hadn't worked with. they found me a gym i could be alone in and I started to lose weight they encouraged me a lot told me everything would get better and to some degree it did I fought off all the negative emotions as much as i could and I used my escape to help me along I envisioned my life as I wanted it when I'd lost all the weight I stopped drinking and smoking and I was healthier, Well that was two years ago now, Ive lost 13 stone I have drank only 8 times in that two years and I use e cigs now instead of smoking, The Dr said my liver has healed. So health wise i'm much much better, But mentally not so good, I can't talk to people its as though there's a block in my mind I'm so ashamed of my life and the way its turned out I just think everyone will look down on me. I really want to find a girlfriend and have tried dating sites because I thought talking to someone online might make it easier but no its even worse to be honest. I have lost all interest in people and I feel so hollow and lonely its crippling me. I called the people who helped me before and they said its going to be a long wait for me before I can see them. sorry Ive gone on a bit here more than I meant too, Basically I've come this far and I really don't want to go back and I just don't know how to get past this or make me feel better so was looking online and found here.