HA robbed me of optimism

[cpe1978]

Evening everyone

I don't find myself posting on here so much at the moment, even though I do pop in at least once a day to see if there is anything I can contribute to.

So I would say that I still have HA to small degree, but I don't suffer from it. That is massive progress. But as I was driving home this evening I was just thinking about the future, my kids, planning next year's holiday, my job in the future etc. and it dawned on me that one of the legacies of suffering what felt like bad health anxiety at the time is that I no longer seem to have the ability to think positively about the future. Don't get me wrong, I can look forward to tomorrow, next week or even next month if I have something exciting to do, but the idea of planning longer term brings back some of the same anxious feelings that I used to have.

I wondered whether others had encountered this sensation, and whether there was anything you did to train your mind to be normal again? 2 years ago I planned moving house, had a financial future mapped out, plans for holidays and all sorts. I just don't quite seem to be able to bring myself to do that anymore.

That said, for the most part I am good. It has been a hard slog of personal endeavour and also intervention in the form of lots of therapy, but I am grateful for the position I find myself in right now, with the slight knowledge that there is the potential to drift back. But at least I know it is possible.

Hope you are all doing ok,

[AnxietyDJ]

Hey, glad that you are doing pretty well of late... That's great news! I most definitely understand and empathise with your problem regarding the future and planning etc.

It's quite strange because I can easily look forwards to smaller things - e.g. i am seeing some friends on Saturday which I am very happy about, but struggle with any 'bigger' plans or events. For example, I was asked to be someone's plus one at a wedding in a couple of months time - if I go it will involve a few hours of travel, an overnight stay, spending the day with people I don't know etc. and it has filled me with a total sense of dread and just the thought of it sends my anxiety into overdrive... That's at the lower end of the scale as well... When in the past i've had the discussions about buying a house / having kids etc... As you can imagine, it sent me into a huge spin!

I am obviously still suffering, so can't give you many tips on how to 'get over' this (but would also love to hear from anyone that can!), but I am always here to chat about it and definitely understand what you are going through :)

[cpe1978]

I think it is interesting (and likewise I am happy to share with anyone what helped me get from barely leaving bed to actually being a high achiever at work and being a decent dad again) that we have a lot of focus, and rightly on feeling less anxious, but I have felt for a long time like I have reached a plateau.

Can totally associate with your looking forwards to the small things situation, is almost exactly how I feel.

Although I am just about to try and find a hotel in Paris for five days in August ;)

[Fishmanpa]

Hi Chris,

Interesting post and one that I relate to for different reasons.

I relate in that my physical health puts question marks on my future. I'm 15 months post treatment and I have to get to 24 months before my odds improve longer term. Then it's 5 years before I get cut loose. Take the cancer and the fact I've had two heart attacks, bypass and stents and I'm in the same situation where I cannot realistically plan long term. My wife is always talking about buying a home and I just can't bring myself to share her enthusiasm. I'd rather rent and sock away as much as we can in case something happens. This way she won't be tied down with a mortgage or other debts to dig out of. Even small things like a vacation and booking gigs. I hesitate to look ahead further than a couple of months. I know it's a bit of depression and anxiety due to my health and I'm working on it. I've made some strides but I'm not there yet.

With you? You're young, doing well in your career, have a family and children. My opinion on the matter is that this is possibly residual from the anxiety issues. A subconscious "What If" so to speak. You've made tremendous progress in keeping the Dragon at bay but perhaps it's a little bit of what I mentioned. Something to look into as well is depression. Depression is not always doom and gloom and can manifest itself in what you describe.

Keep on doing the things you're doing. It's a process and you should be encouraged as you've made great strides in the last year. Perhaps some counseling to help get to the root of it all in addition to the tools you already have in your box would be something to think about.

Positive thoughts

[cpe1978]

Hi Mark

Glad you are still doing well, and it seems like in many ways we are in similar places for dramatically different reasons.

It is a frustratingly long path, but bar a few blips along the way I have felt better every day now for nearly six months. I am encouraged, but also an incredible perfectionist which is possibly part of the problem :)

[Fishmanpa]

Yes, we do share similarities. I too am a perfectionist and often too self critical. It has it's benefits but also it's drawbacks.

With any illness, be it physical or mental, we lose a little bit of who we were prior. I'm not the man I was prior to cancer or heart problems and I never will be. That's not to say you cannot heal because you most certainly can, and have close to the same quality of life you had before but, we have to come to terms with the new normal and it may not be 100% like the old normal.

Positive thoughts