I'm ruining my friendship???

[channie009]

I have a best friend who i've known for 4 years over the internet. She's 16 and i'm turning 21 in October. We pretty much talk every single day over different messengers and social network sites.

Recently as my depression started to kick in, i've started to feel tension in the relationship. She is a pretty guarded person and doesn't really show her love all too well and as being in a long distance friendship is hard enough, I'm finding the lack of 'love' from her heartbreaking.

We've argued so many times this month about how I feel she isn't being there as much as I need her. She always says she's sorry and tells me she'll try. We always end up in tears.

She is very active and has a fullfilling life filled with friends, a boyfriend and here I am sitting in my house all day suffering from different bouts of anxiety (general, social and medical). Whenever she's out with her other friends I miss her dearly and feel upset that she isn't talking to me. I worry so much that she'll make a better friend out where she lives who she'll like more than me.

After our recent argument which came after she went cold on me while I needed support, I told her I was gonna kill myself. Drama ensued which involved her getting her friends to message me and herself messaging my mother and brother and then messaging me.

We had a long talk where I gave her one last chance because I didn't need 'someone who'd turn their back on me whenever i'm upset' She cried and I cried and I actually felt like she actually cared. Over the last couple of days she's been really supportive, giving me ideas of things to do to keep myself occupied when she's not around and that she will come back to me in the end to cheer me up. I actually cried because of it...

but now... I can't bring myself to talk to her. Right now i'm ignoring a message from her for an hour and its killing me to not answer her.. but I can't bring myself to do it.

Every time she messages me lately a feeling comes to me to ignore it.

I don't know what to do or what is wrong with me...

[Rennie1989]

It's worth remembering that she is only 16 years old. She is not likely to understand what depression is really about and I think it's a little unfair to expect her to always be there for you when you're upset when she has her schooling to worry about. I think you're expecting a hell of a lot more of her than what she is capable of giving.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a bad place but rather unloading your worries on a 16 year old, why not seek proper, medical help. See a doctor and ask for counselling, maybe. The NMP chatroom is a great place to chat, if you need it.

[channie009]

It's worth remembering that she is only 16 years old. She is not likely to understand what depression is really about and I think it's a little unfair to expect her to always be there for you when you're upset when she has her schooling to worry about. I think you're expecting a hell of a lot more of her than what she is capable of giving.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a bad place but rather unloading your worries on a 16 year old, why not seek proper, medical help. See a doctor and ask for counselling, maybe. The NMP chatroom is a great place to chat, if you need it.

I'm seeking mental help. This 16 year old has known me since I was 16 aswell, she suffers with depression too (just not to my level) and she is very very mature for her age.

Also I didn't say I unload all my problems on her.

I don't mess up her schooling, i've actually helped her do better in school by supporting her. She is currently on summer break and my issues have only happened recently.

[Oosh]

Hiya

I think the problem may be more that you're very dependent on your internet mate. I noted it in your previous thread talking about your best mate who was sleeping with someone and you were getting annoyed.
You said she was your best friend but you'd never met her ?
I've suffered with social anxiety so I don't see that as odd at all. But I do see it as a problem.

By the way your mate sounds like a really great mate. You're very lucky.
I've had a good few internet friends. I've had pen pals in other countries for years. Your mates stood by you while you're obviously going through this very insecure spell. I don't blame you for feeling insecure.

Thing is, you can't entirely depend on friends on the internet. Especially ones so far away. They're there for you in a big way but their lives change and they change. It's the same with any friendship but even more so with internet friends.
I'm sure she'll be there for you for a long time yet. But I think the solution is to have a larger group of friends to depend on. And preferably in person in your area. I know that's not that easy.

Reply to your mate. I know feeling insecure has led you to feeling hurt but she is still your friend and obviously cares a lot about you.
Tell her how insecure you feel now and that you feel she'll desert you but continue to be a really good friend to her as she is to you.

Then work at getting some more.

I'm hoping I got things right here because I can only vaguely remember your earlier thread.

You probably have met her and have loads of mates where you live and I'm gonna look like an idiot lol.

You can't be too dependent on one person, things change. It's normal. Painful but normal.

Answer her, answer her RIGHT now :)

Don't push your real mates away because you feel hurt. If they're rubbish mates fair enough but she sounds like a good mate you want to keep.

She knows now that you need her and are feeling insecure. I'm sure she'll stay in touch better than ever. Work on giving back to her now and being a valued friend of hers.

[AnxietyDJ]

As with any friend you can't expect them to be there for you 24/7, and they are bound to have other friends and a life aside from you. That isn't your friend being mean or a bad person, it's just how it is most of the time with people. It isn't healthy for you to worry about her making a 'better friend', every time she isn't speaking to you or out doing something, and if anything when you start to voice those concerns to her, it is only going to make it more likely that your friendship will be hurt. Therefore, by worrying, you are potentially making the thing happen that you are so desperate to avoid.

I don't know your situation at all, so of course I am commenting on things purely based upon face value, but it does sound as though you are putting a lot of pressure on her to do exactly what you want all the time and then when she falls short you are getting upset and calling her a bad friend, which seems a little unfair - especially if she is studying and doing other things. It is also a little worrying that due to an argument you would tell her you are going to kill yourself - that doesn't sound like something a friend would do (in my opinion at least) and you can't use threats to gain friendship or love - in the long term doing things like that is only going to damage your relationships more. I am very sorry if you were genuinely suicidal, but you need to seek proper help if that is the case - somebody on the internet isn't going to solve that problem.

I believe that this isn't the first post you have made about this 'friend' - it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, and that whilst she is living a 'normal' life (whatever normal means) with other things going on, you are placing all of your thoughts, fears, emotions and life onto her and her friendship, which is a lot of pressure for anyone to have, let alone when you are only 16.

I know how tough it can be and totally understand where you are coming from with your issues, as a sufferer myself, but perhaps you need to try and make efforts to build more a life closer to home, rather than placing all of your hopes on someone who is hundreds if not thousands of miles away. The internet is a great thing and I have made some lovely friends online, but whilst they can help, they are not the solution to all of your problems and living your life through cyber space, can be just another way of burying your head in the sand and not attempting to tackle things in real life.

I hope everything works out ok and that you don't take offense to any of my comments - I am only speaking truthfully and sometimes you need to hear the harsher truth rather than having everything sugar coated. Always here to talk if you want to message me :)