Health anxiety after pregnancy taking over life....

[Louise2013]

Hi all,

I have not posted here before but don't know where to turn and feel like I am going crazy. Has anyone else suffered with health anxiety following pregnancy? It seems to be taking over my life. In truth, I think I have always had this to a mild degree as I am a worrier and always panic over the littlest pain/lump/bump/change etc. due to some historical family health stuff, but since I fell pregnant the issues sky rocketed. I spent my entire pregnancy convinced I would lose the baby. And I mean CONVINCED. I went to the early pregnancy unit (epu) at the hospital three times in three weeks in my first trimester in floods of tears and had already had seven scans (four private, three at epu) by my 12 week 'official' one. Trimester two I felt quite good but trimester three I became obsessed and convinced I was going to have a stillbirth and I was on the phone to the midwives/assessment unit at least once a week. Since delivery, which was a fairly complex and eventful delivery, I have become obsessed with the fear of dying and leaving my beautiful baby whom I love more than I could ever know was possible. I was recently referred to a specialist over a cancer scare (which my GP did as routine as it is a cancer that has been in my family and what I had found felt dubious) but which I convinced myself of that I was desperately ill and I didn't leave the house for a week as I basically cried constantly for that time until I had my appointment. The appointment went well and specialist was in no way concerned and said I had nothing to worry about. The relief lasted about three days but is now back stronger than ever and I can hear myself thinking 'what if they have missed something?!' so I have now made a private appointment with another specialist for a double check, which I can't really afford but which I can rationalise to myself easily. I don't know why this is happening. I am a logical person in every other part of my life but even when I rationalise with myself about how stupid this all is and that I am an idiot who is just wasting valuable nhs services because I can't sort my sh*t out, and that I should just be bloody grateful to be healthy and happy and have such a beautiful wonderful baby and a lovely life, it's like this dark cloud in my mind just overrides it all and I am totally gripped by the panic and fear of leaving my baby to grow up without a Mummy. I have made an appointment with my doctor to talk about this as I can see myself slipping further and further as time goes on but it is not for another two weeks as that was the next pre bookable one available. I just wondered if anyone had ever experienced health anxiety after delivery and if actually this is a form of post natal depression? There is a lot more background to this story in the sense that I can see what may have triggered this historically (family health history plus a couple of previous miscarriages that I think affected how I felt in pregnancy) but since having my baby things have sky rocketed and I wanted to know if anyone else has, or knows someone who has, felt like this? What is ironic is I am very chilled about my baby, so this isn't affecting our relationship or bonding etc. and motherhood is amazing, but this fear of falling ill and leaving my little one is consuming me.

I am new to all this but does this sound like I have health anxiety?

Thanks all for reading. Lou x

[Cusper]

Hi Lou!
you are experiencing something very normal. Well, normal to me and most of my friends who are all first time mothers. First of all becoming a mother can be VERY VERY terrifying. YOU'RE ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED!!!! Ok I had no intention of having a baby but I got pregnant a couple years after I got married and thought... why not? I had some friends who have had still borns and at the beginning of my pregnancy they thought I was having a miscarriage. So throughout the pregnancy (which I was sent to a specialist) I always thought I wouldn't go full term.. but I had a beautiful baby boy. It was after he was born when all the anxiety really took hold. I have thought I have had every kind of disease out there. Being a parent is A LOT of responsibility. I would check a million times at night to see if he was still breathing. I have had my thyroid checked... every kind of ultrasound possible. The list goes on and on. My suggestion is that you go and see a therapist to talk it out. Being a parent is stressful! And especially if you have no outside help. I don't. But now I am just getting better now and my son is now 3. Plus being at home all of the time can give one lots of time to think, cos lets face it before the baby we could go and do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. So being stuck at home all alone with a baby is tough. I don't care what anyone says. It is! Especially if you don't have a lot of support. You need to find things for yourself. It helps to be around friends too. It is soooooo important to get out and out of your own head. I was driving my husband crazy googling symptoms... going to emergency etc.. Then I finally have started to realize why. I don't know if there are any mother support sites out there but there should be because trust me you are not alone in this. I have other friends in the same position and just knowing that has helped.

---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 15:14 ----------

oh and yes and I forgot to tell you that I was in constant fear that my poor son would grow up without me too. These are all natural thoughts that mother's have. I hope this has helped. Becoming a mom is a huge learning period. I am really happy you put this thread up because I don't think a lot of people know the struggles people go through. xoxoxo

[luc]

Hi Louise, I could have written this post to every last detail. Eleven years later I have Just began to 'recover'. Being a new mother with all that goes with the situation, coupled with a predisposition to HA was in my experience the catalyst for chronic HA. While I definitely have a predisposition to HA after my second son it went into free fall. My family all think I had post natal depression, I'm not too sure. Yours may be more transient but here are several things that with hindsight I wish I had done.

Interact with others.
See a doctor that you have a good relationship with soon.
Try to make plans with others.
Do not keep your feelings a secret from good friends.
DO NOT GOOGLE
Ask for help.

Take care, Lucia.

[Louise2013]

Thanks both, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me and for your kind words. They definitely make me feel a little less alone and that I can get through this. I am now visiting my doctor on Monday to have a proper chat and see what can be done from that angle. For myself, I have decided to try and mke aure I go out of the house every single day to occupy myself and to try and stay away from the internet. Who knows how long that will last though!! Xxxx

[Dontworrybaby]

Louise I can empathise and identify with almost every word you have written.
I registered with no more panic a couple of hours ago as the health anxiety I'm experiencing after having my first baby 14 wks ago is so consuming.
Like you I am beyond terrified of something awful happening to me and my beautiful girl who I love more than I could ever have thought possible growing up without me...
Within weeks of her being born I paid a private consultant to check out a mole I thought looked dodgy. It's crazy.
I spent my whole pregnancy consumed with worry that something would go wrong too.
I just want to stop worrying and make the most of this precious time....

[bluetopazgirl]

Hi Louise, I can totally empathise with you, I worry over some swollen nodes I have because someone very close to me died of a cancer BUT my anxiety started since I had my first child. My whole anxiety centres around dying and leaving my children, its horrendous.
(( hugs ))

[Sunshine84]

Hi guys, i can relate to your worries. My gorgeous little girl is 14 months and the worry/anxiety was horrendous. I too have always been a worrier and i think i underestimated the stress and anxiety it can cause when a little one comes into your life...all for the better though of course i wouldnt change a thing and felt guilty for feeling like this as i love my girl to bits. The doctor helped and ive been on citalopram for 4 weeks and it really helps me take the edge off and get through day to day. Ferling alot more positive. Wishing you all well and hope you all feel better soon x x

[Louise2013]

Thanks everyone so much for taking the time to write to me. It makes me feel much less alone knowing others have experienced the same and have come through it. I hope we all can put this awful anxiety aside eventually and look to the future with our families as we should be doing xxxxx

[Sunshine84]

I couldnt agree more louise,good luck and we can do this together! X

[Louise2013]

Well, the madness continues. I was away yesterday but came home to find a copy of a letter from the dermatologist to my GP with the results of my consultation with him. I saw recently regarding a mole that appeared in pregnancy on my chest which I am convinced is melanoma. At the appointment he examined it through a dermatoscope (camera magnifier type thing) and told me it was nothing to worry about and didn't require a biopsy or anything like that but to come back in three months just to check nothing had changed as it is 'new'. Anyway, the letter pretty much says the same. It even has the words: 'diagnosis: a pigmented nevi' (e.g. A regular mole) at the very top of the page but the doctor has dictated incorrect measurements of the mole in the letter. I measured it at 2 x 3 mm (so pretty small) when I first noticed it and he even measured it the same at the appointment but in the letter he has written 3 x 4 mm. So, I read the letter last night and cue total panic: 'oh my God it's growing.' I get out a ruler and check again, but no, it is still 2mm x 3mm, so I have a moment of calm thinking, 'oh, that's fine' followed immediately by the panic that if my dermatologist has made such a simple mistake in taking a measurement, he could quite easily therefore have missed an actual melanoma and in fact this is now the beginning of the end. Obviously, in my craziness I then consulted doctor google and discovered that ten percent, and even as many as thirty percent, of melanomas are missed by dermatologists, so of course, in my mind, that is what has happened here. I now have pains in my underarms which in my mind must mean it has spread and is in my lymph nodes and surging through my body. Cue hysteria.

Even as I write this I can hear and see how crazy this is and how illogical I am being but I cannot think any other way. I can't live like this. I had no idea how consuming having anxiety could be. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. I hadn't planned on asking about the mole or the letter as I made the apt. to talk about my anxiety but I know my mind will race to the issue of melanoma. I hope I can get through the appointment making some sort of sense to her.

Xx

[luc]

Louise,

What yo are describing is classic health anxiety - letter, ruler, etc. The bottom line is a normal mole that has been checked by a dermatologist and is FINE. Keep saying this to yourself and if in three months it has changed/ grew go back to him as he advised. Set yourself a challenge i.e. next sunday I will analyse/measure this mole if I still feel the need to. Do the same the sunday after. In the meantime, restrain yourself from the above and DO NOT GOOGLE. This may seem impossible to do but it's not. The alternative is whip yourself into a frenzy, waste your day, week etc and go to the doctors ASAP to be told it's a NORMAL mole as written in the letter! I write this because I have been there so many times and it really saddens me reading your post.:hugs: Lucia.