aya
23-07-14, 00:40
Hi My name is Aya
I have suffered from OCD since I was 7. It has made my life a misery. Where do I even start to explain. At first when I was 7 my obsession was that my family would die and if I didn't touch the ground with my hand every time I took 2 steps forward my mam and sister would die. I was scared and my compulsion was very noticeable as I would be late for lessons in school and my back would be sore and my knuckles would bleed. My mum took me to the doctors but my GP had no idea what was wrong wit me. At first I got treated for anger problems and the treatment was no use what so ever. I then got a social worker and she said to my mum that I was just simply attention seeking. That was not true of course. Eventually my GP told me that I had an anxiety problem called OCD and told my mum that I couldn't help it. My GP got me help and I stopped touching the ground. My GP thinks my OCD was related to my parents divorce and my mum getting in a violent relationship. My mum then blamed herself and got diagnosed with depression. My full year at school started to bully me badly. I then started to self harm. Then I started to obsess about germs when people cough and sneeze and I wouldn't eat anything if someone coughed in the same room I was in. I also started to touch the ground again. I got help and with a LOT of hard work I managed to stop touching the ground again and overcame the germs. I was fine for about 6 months and got into surfing and rock climbing until my sister moved out and I was alone. After that everything went down hill and my OCD got way to much to handle. I started to ……
Check things (go back and make sure things are turned off all of the time )
Touch everything I passed ( touching amp posts and cabinets twice )
Not eat because I think a fly has been on my food (I wont eat anything what's not in a closed packet)
Not go outside ( because of all of the germs and I thought a person walking along the street will kill me )
Organise things from left to right ( everything in a shop has to be ordered )
Switch things on and off a certain amount of times ( I turn a light switch on and off 3 times )
Washing my hands if I see a fly or touch a toilette door ( I don't touch door handles or trolleys )
Doing things like getting dressed in a certain order by a certain time ( I have to put my top on in exactly 2 mins )
Making everything I do perfect and accurate all of the time ( I have to draw lines on plain paper if im going to write )
Never leave a classroom messy ( all of the chairs have to be tucked in and all of the pencils in order ). There's no escape anymore. I want to go outside and I want to eat but I cant. My favourite food is in front of me and I want to eat it so bad because my hunger pain in my stomach is unbearable and im so tired and weak from not eating but I cant. Its like a mental torture every day . Wanting something so badly but not being to have it . Terrified to have it. I'm stuck in my own mind. I don't want to live like this and wish I could have my old life back but I cant. Because of my OCD I cant do anything I used to enjoy not even eat and walk down a street. I'm out of control. I also have an eating disorder because im to scared to eat. Every time I force myself to eat I lend up having a panic attack and being sick 10 mins after I have ate the food. I'm scared of people as well. I hate it when people are just walking down a street towards me because I feel like they are going to stop and kill me. My OCD also effects my friends because its not easy being friends with someone who wont go outside . Everyday is like a war inside my head buy I know I will lose because im too weak. . I only have an existence not a life. I wish I could die. I'm finding myself self harming more and more everyday. The other night I tried to kill myself and would have if it wasn't for my sister. I'm getting scared of myself. Of what I will do to myself. My life just feels so pointless and like its wasted . I cant escape my compulsions no matter how hard I try. I also have problems with sleeping because I think a fly has been on my bed sheets and if I close my eyes it will land on me .My sister is so worried about me and how much weight I've lost in just a few months . My sister thinks im going to die either of starvation or kill myself. I'm scared that she is right. The only thing I want is freedom to do what I want. I'm always nervous and afraid of everything. Even life. What if dying is the only way to get my freedom back. My psychiatrist doesn't know that i tried to kill myself . I'm on a waiting list for CBT.
Should i tell my psychiatrist what i tried to do ?
I'm scared she might over react
What should i do ?
Any advice would be much appreciated ( sorry for the long post)
Aya x
I have suffered from OCD since I was 7. It has made my life a misery. Where do I even start to explain. At first when I was 7 my obsession was that my family would die and if I didn't touch the ground with my hand every time I took 2 steps forward my mam and sister would die. I was scared and my compulsion was very noticeable as I would be late for lessons in school and my back would be sore and my knuckles would bleed. My mum took me to the doctors but my GP had no idea what was wrong wit me. At first I got treated for anger problems and the treatment was no use what so ever. I then got a social worker and she said to my mum that I was just simply attention seeking. That was not true of course. Eventually my GP told me that I had an anxiety problem called OCD and told my mum that I couldn't help it. My GP got me help and I stopped touching the ground. My GP thinks my OCD was related to my parents divorce and my mum getting in a violent relationship. My mum then blamed herself and got diagnosed with depression. My full year at school started to bully me badly. I then started to self harm. Then I started to obsess about germs when people cough and sneeze and I wouldn't eat anything if someone coughed in the same room I was in. I also started to touch the ground again. I got help and with a LOT of hard work I managed to stop touching the ground again and overcame the germs. I was fine for about 6 months and got into surfing and rock climbing until my sister moved out and I was alone. After that everything went down hill and my OCD got way to much to handle. I started to ……
Check things (go back and make sure things are turned off all of the time )
Touch everything I passed ( touching amp posts and cabinets twice )
Not eat because I think a fly has been on my food (I wont eat anything what's not in a closed packet)
Not go outside ( because of all of the germs and I thought a person walking along the street will kill me )
Organise things from left to right ( everything in a shop has to be ordered )
Switch things on and off a certain amount of times ( I turn a light switch on and off 3 times )
Washing my hands if I see a fly or touch a toilette door ( I don't touch door handles or trolleys )
Doing things like getting dressed in a certain order by a certain time ( I have to put my top on in exactly 2 mins )
Making everything I do perfect and accurate all of the time ( I have to draw lines on plain paper if im going to write )
Never leave a classroom messy ( all of the chairs have to be tucked in and all of the pencils in order ). There's no escape anymore. I want to go outside and I want to eat but I cant. My favourite food is in front of me and I want to eat it so bad because my hunger pain in my stomach is unbearable and im so tired and weak from not eating but I cant. Its like a mental torture every day . Wanting something so badly but not being to have it . Terrified to have it. I'm stuck in my own mind. I don't want to live like this and wish I could have my old life back but I cant. Because of my OCD I cant do anything I used to enjoy not even eat and walk down a street. I'm out of control. I also have an eating disorder because im to scared to eat. Every time I force myself to eat I lend up having a panic attack and being sick 10 mins after I have ate the food. I'm scared of people as well. I hate it when people are just walking down a street towards me because I feel like they are going to stop and kill me. My OCD also effects my friends because its not easy being friends with someone who wont go outside . Everyday is like a war inside my head buy I know I will lose because im too weak. . I only have an existence not a life. I wish I could die. I'm finding myself self harming more and more everyday. The other night I tried to kill myself and would have if it wasn't for my sister. I'm getting scared of myself. Of what I will do to myself. My life just feels so pointless and like its wasted . I cant escape my compulsions no matter how hard I try. I also have problems with sleeping because I think a fly has been on my bed sheets and if I close my eyes it will land on me .My sister is so worried about me and how much weight I've lost in just a few months . My sister thinks im going to die either of starvation or kill myself. I'm scared that she is right. The only thing I want is freedom to do what I want. I'm always nervous and afraid of everything. Even life. What if dying is the only way to get my freedom back. My psychiatrist doesn't know that i tried to kill myself . I'm on a waiting list for CBT.
Should i tell my psychiatrist what i tried to do ?
I'm scared she might over react
What should i do ?
Any advice would be much appreciated ( sorry for the long post)
Aya x