irrational jealousy

[dave85]

Hi all,does anyone else have intense feelings of irrational jealousy? I have been with my missus for twenty one years and it's never been an issue. But lately I've been thinking she has been a lot happier with her other husband from years ago. There is an age gap of twenty years. Me being the younger she has never given me cause for concern and she has always told me that she is immensely happy and in love with me. She hasn't had a promiscuous past or anything like that and I fear my constant need for reassurance could drive a wedge between us. I have been on 20mgs citralopam for a month and it's just been put up to 40mg. Some days I start off fine but within minutes I could be obsessing again. Will there ever be an end to this horrible feeling??

[Oosh]

Jealousy or insecurity ?
Sounds more like insecurity to me.

You're insecure that she was happier with her ex. As a result you are needing reassurance.

Do you have a history of anxiety/depression/need for medication or is the need for medication and these insecure feelings only a recent thing ?

Are you secure in your past ? Your relationship past ? Are you reasonably secure in yourself and who you are ?

It's chicken and egg, low mood can trigger insecurities because you look inside at what you feel and think "ugh, who would want this. She must be so bored I've nothing to offer. I'm rubbish"

Or, low self esteem, insecurities can trigger low mood and negative thinking.

I could say bring your self esteem up but might be a bit useless if you have a history of feeling depressed and it's that that's brought on the insecure feelings.

Although there's an argument for saying the low opinion of yourself would always come first maybe.

Shouldn't she be the insecure one if she's 20 years older ?
If I was a female with a toyboy 20 years younger I'd have plenty of insecurities, obvious ones.
"I'm getting old"
"He'll fancy someone younger"
Etc

Was there anything significantly special about what her and her ex had ? Does she rave about him or anything ? Or has your mind just become focused on her previous relationship because you're feeling insecure about yours ?

[dave85]

Thanks oosh,like the name btw. Yeah I suppose it is insecurity but what makes it more puzzling for me is that their really is no reason for this. I have always been anxious under the surface I suppose, kept it pretty much hidden though(most people who know me would say I'm laid back) but this has only manifested itself in the last couple if months due to work issues and family problems. I'm a step parent to three girls and have been since the day we got together twenty one years ago (from a different man,husband #2 a violent alcoholic) I have never had any insecurity/depression before and it is all consuming at the moment giving me sleepless nights and no end of worrry. I look after myself physically and have no low self esteem body issues or anything like that. Also she has nevver raved about her past and swears she has never been happier but I my stupid brain is telling me it's all untrue, I feel such a pray posting this as their are people with much bigger demons I'm sure but thanks again any advice out there would be appreciated.

[Oosh]

Well it could just be the work issues and family problems have triggered anxiety/depression then and it has a tendency to make you stress and ruminate on any areas of your life then without prejudice.

Work stress, a death of someone close, all sorts of things can trigger it.

Obviously try and relieve those work and family stresses you're having. You don't need those robbing you of good mood everyday.
Good nutrition, ask for some counseling or cbt to go with those meds.

Just a blip mate. It happens to so many. Just sounds like it's been brought on by stress.
Keep talking wherever you can and work on sorting those stressors and getting that mood lifted.

I'm sure others will be along with a bit of advice. Ive heard plenty here with similar stories.

[dave85]

Thanks so much,I'll keep all that in mind. Feels good to let it out and not worry the missus all the time