View Full Version : Marriage anxiety
Hi, I am getting married soon, there are so many new people in life, my fiance', her relatives, friends etc. I am usually very afraid of internet chat rooms. Now she invited me into one and I joined, it has opened the door for public chat amoung mine and her friends, which I am feeling very uncomfortable. I dont want to pretend to have lot of owrk and shy away from the group. I want to be there but still be sensible as well. I am getting worried somebody might not like me, I might type someting insensible etc. I dont want anything to go negative. I am just too paranoid about every single line that I write on the chat group... Somebody help...
asdf
I am very confused, I am worried I might behave stupid. It makes me tihnk, I dont want anything new, I am happy with what I am doing now, leave me alone. Dont ask me tough questions, dont make look like an idiot in public. I am anxious as ever, I hadnt improved much, or may be I have, but still there is more to do.
Is it something that you either get from childhood, or is it something that you can develop. I have been shy and anxious since childhood. I want to be chatty, witty, party guy, like how many of the new acquaintance in life seem to be.
I want to be comfortable among new friends, please tell me how to...
asdf
LickeyEndBlues
19-12-06, 11:17
Het Heavymind,
Boy, can I relate to what you have just written!! Every word in your two posts resonates with me....BIG TIME!!!
Short answer...I guess you are a lt younger than me (52) so you have recognised your general and social anxieties far quicker than I did so that has got to be a big plus....a really BIG PLUS!!!
Chatrooms are great places but also full of huge communications issues as can be found in here on a regular basis!!! When we talk with people we have a huge array of skills to call on to back up the words we use. In here that doesnt happen, unless you really know the person better than they do...and that is impossible!!
When people meet for the first time it is easy to pretend to be the life and soul of the party. I know I have been that person but it was all a sham...inside I am shy and scared people wont like me. Anxiety goes through the roof.
There are no easy answers but liking yourself goes a long way to providing some.
I am happy to chat with you is you want.
Iain
ps...ASDF ??
What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
I had 2 mugs of bear last night. I dont know, if its adding to it. I think not. I just want to be calm and cool, not worry about a sh?t. I am refraining from going to the chat room for fear of screwing up, instead I am here, where I am a stranger and I can type my feelings out. I dont want my compulsion to drive me to react. I want to take my time to make my anxiety go less, before responding...
LickeyEndBlues, I am asdf on this forum. Feel free to address me asdf...
asdf
Despite anxiety I probably have saved my face in most occations. I used to think I was such miserable in various of the past situations, but one of my friends didnt seem to think of those the same way I did. I felt I had behaved in the most pathetic possible way, like no body else on the earth would. But in reality I had not done as bad as my mind had thought.
I guess we just need to accept that we are okay, buts its so hard to do....
asdf
I went for the Gym and just back, and I guess I am feeling much better now. I use this www.nomorepanic.co.uk as a place to dump my feelings, when even I have to. This way I dont react out of my anxiety and emotions with friends and family and with them I am a better person. All my dependance is left for here, so as not to make friends/relatives feel awkward..... eeeeeeeeeeeeeee I dont want to worry............................................. ...............
asdf
Internet and chatrooms probably addict me.... I dont know if this would fall under ocd....
asdf
I wonder if number of posts/per day of people who have significantly large number of posts, other than people who are admins, who give answers may correlate will with how sick the person is. 0.29 in mycase probably isnt too bad... Who knows. Almost once in three days, I seem to have been here, ever since having enrolled. Which might indicate 2/3rds of my life is good and without anxiety atleast at this point in time and 1/3rd is bad, which actually correlates very well, with what reality is!!..... ---- I know the brain of lots of people here doesnt work in this manner, I am a researcher by designation and such hypothesis, or hypothetical thoughts we are so used to changing into research questions and writing up papers on themmmmm.......
Today is one of those days when I have this obsession to keep typing, typing a lot, typing a lot lot lot lot ..... Thanks to this forum. Please please please pardon me, if I am violating policy of the group. I hope the admins / moderators dont mind my dumping of thoughts here. I wont have anyother safe place to be open and talk from my heart other than here.....
I am typing out all my energy out here and then I can take a deep breath relax and go home......
asdf
I am defenitely doing ok, I am not screwing things up. I hope I am not, I certainly am not. I just want time to move fast, no I want it to move slow, I got to finish more work.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh calm down,,,,, coool down........... Go have food and go sleep, yup. I am going to go have food nad go sleep.....
Isnt life great..... ----- Does this happen to you, Why are my thoughts flying up, down, left, right, across, side, and every where. The above thoughts are they sounding normal or are they sounding completely mad. Am I schizophrenic.... BEAR is bad. May be its yesterdays alcohol.... May be I will do better tomorrow.
I will let you know tomorrow. I am already on some meds for my cold, which induces sleep, I have had two mugs of bear yesterday, may be thats influencing the way I think toooooooo...........
I want some reasssurance, and I want from some new relationships. Why cant I just stop this nonsence and just go home. Why do I have this compulsion to just keep typoing what I feel... Is this wierd.....
I heard somewhere schizophrenics get a lot of urge to write a lot..... Am I mildly schizophrenic???? Ok calm down, coool down, enough go home....
Ok enough is enough FULL STOP ( Oh no, not to my life, just to this mail)........
asdf
Havint I sounded really mad in this mail chain. Am I alright????? Folks, please dont think, I am trying to make the count 100, I certainly am not. I am just today obsessed somehow to type everything out. I get this when I am not in a great mood. I have come to nomorepanic, only whenever I have not been doing great and I gave into my obsession to keep writing and that I thing many times has helpeed....
asdf
Because of anxiety I seem to be unnecessarily complicating social life. How to be simple....
asdf
Please try not worry about the chat rooms. They can be brilliant but they can be unhelpful as they are not 'real' and some people lose themselves in them and it can be unhealthy.
You don't owe anyone an excuse. If it is not your thing - it is not your thing. Or find one where no one knows you so it doesn't matter what you say. You are not upsetting anyone you know.
I can do this site happily but uncomfy with a chat room. It gives me all the feelings of starting a new school and everyone else already knows each other.
I am getting good at messing up my social life and wanting to run away from it. But hoping it will pass and sticking to my true mates - the rest will sort itself out naturally.
The dates are nearing(1 month 4 days) and I am getting nervous already. I want to stay calm and be social during the wedding. I am supposed to be exited, but I want to be over soon, so I can relax.
asdf
heavymind, let your thoughts go on the amount of posts you make - some people bottle it up, others leave the tap running. as has been said, because you're letting it out now not holding on for years you're being more of a help to yourself than a hinderance.
I if can make an obersvation, your panic about the wedding is a symptom, something else sitting tucked away inside your mind may well be the underlying issue.
In fact if there wasn't something else thats coded wedding = panic for you there wouldn't be a reason to panic since no everyone panics at weddings.
also if you are holding onto such a feeling it's easy for your mind to blur the healthy and sensible concerns as to dealing with everything to have a great day and other bigger unresolved issues.
Also, because your anxiety is a symptom generated by your mind, it may will generate other symptoms, compulsions, obsessions etc.
( Been there, done it, got the T-shirt in the past myself )
In post two you said "I have been shy and anxious since childhood" so I guess your u/c mind is already giving you a big clue as to where it learnt to believe anxiety helps you. ( might sound weird but it's not )
Perhaps that's the area to focus on
regards
brian
I am actually doing better the last 3 days. I have started to believe that I will do just fine. I hope that I have this belief alive on the eve of the day and on the day.
God save me and he will...(let me think he will, he will, he certainly will, he has always.). I defenitely am going to be at my best NO DOUBT. I WILL DO WELL NO DOUBT. I Have what it takes to carry me through in good shape. I will be strong and wont give in. I will make it..
asdf
if you are doing better then it might be that because this is clearly a big event and you haven't had a similar big event to compare it with you might be simply overreacting.
I've read that the number one fear for people is giving a speech at a wedding - in case something happens. Guess what, it never goes wrong whatever the tv shows present.
good luck and enjoy the whole day
regards
brian
I know what you are talking about, there are some underlying causes, I know them perfectly well. However, for people with anxiety, what you need to understand is that, its not just about understanding the root cause of the problem. I agree that is a very BIG BIG BIG step towards recovery, but thats not it. It requires a LOT LOT of mental strength, effort and consistency, to make progress in life. Its not easy believe me.
So Brain, I have seen other posts of yours too, it makes me think, you make a lot of assumptions, that people dont fully understand what they are going through, the cause of it etc. That may be true with some people, but a significantly large proportion of people here, in my opinion, know about themselves well, but still are finding things hard to cope.
People come here for various reasons, one of the most common, "in my view" is that, they dump their feeling and get some consolation from seeing that they are not alone and there are people who understand them.
asdf
Yes I agree that support is important and that's ok.
I also agree that many people feel like they know why they are the way they are and assuming they are happy coping then that's ok
There is a difference between knowing consciously how and why something is occuring in ones life and understanding deeply. Understanding is the point of release.
Until then we all ( and I do mean all - we all have had crosses to bear ) adjust, limit and alter our lives to the extent that we are not able to let the release occur.
It's possible to know for decades why we are the way we are, but until we release the understanding we are living in the limit.
You said about making progress in life, with anxiety as such. Assuming we're not born anxious, then we learn anxious, perhaps by example, perhaps as a natural reaction to things that happened to us or we were scared would happen to us years ago.
To the extent that our minds hold those beliefs and memories as sacrosant and untouchable, anxiety will be in charge. We are not anxiety/phobics, we exhibit those tendancies. That means they were installed and can be shed.
I don't 'do' malice or 'look at me' and assuming it's easier for me to 'shut it' and say no more I will.
I thought we all wanted to shed the problems we have since it's possible to take too much ownership of anxiety and carry it as a badge of courage ( look: this is me ) rather than an errant label taught by others.
Sorry if highlighting anything was uncomfortable but sometimes we need discomfort to get us to move to a better place, rather than comfort zone.
Brian
Thanks for the reply and I am impressed with your commitment to your belief in your words.
My only point was that its a state of mind. If you are anxious and have a DR today, then today, then understanding the root cause of the problem is fine. It does help a bit. But to get out of it it takes its own time and "effort". I am not saying its just time alone, and you need to wait for it to pass. Making attempt to get us better in whichever way that we do best, helps us reduce the time, it takes to get out of stress.
In a scale of 1 to 10, its possible to state how anxious you are or not. 1 being very anxious, and 10 being very calm and energized. I today am at around 10. There has been days when I was a 1. There has been days when I have been in all those states inbetween the two extremes. But say you are at 3 today, to get to 10, its not just understanding what the reasons are. It would take 2-3 months of consistent effort to make yourself better. After which you can be at 10. But if you stop and believe you are alright, then its possible to slip back down.
Your theory may not be entirely right. People with anxious tendencies, sure can improve and have a great life. But ingeneral some people require to do more life routine changes and coping up strategies, but others just do fine, with out any of that. People are different. I dont want to get into whether it is environmental or inherited or both, whatever it may be, at say an age of 20, you can clearly quantify how much anxious tendency the person has. If he is say anxious, then he is anxious. It takes effort and constant life long coping up to live a better life.
Its not like learn some underlying cause and you are done with it and you are free for the rest of life.
asdf
Hi again heavymind, glad we're still talking.
I get what you're staying and fully agree that people are different, for me to suggest otherwise would be hogwash.
Where I was coming from is that as we grow up as kids and teenagers we are exposed to thousands of experiences - the ones that make us what we are and all so different.
What we learn, interpret and hold as true from those experencies guide us down the paths we take.
Some people are just plain less lucky than others. I don't say it's fair or right but that happens sometimes.
It's then that those people's minds take on beliefs and ways of thinking about the world, sometimes including avoiding thinking fully about things that had, or hadn't happened to them or even around them, whether they were involved or not.
If it's a biggie ( the memory) then our minds do us what they think is a favour and put the lid on that thought -like the lid on a big cauldron. But the problem is the mind forgets to turn off the gas so on the one hand it keeps the lid shut so we don't get access to the memory and on the other the feelings in the memory keep on getting stronger and stronger.
When the feelings bubble over, as they surely will the release is anxiety. In its many and varied and wonderfully clever ways.
And that's all it is - The word 'all' doesn't signify belitilling, just to stress that with a focused appoach we can enter the kitchen, take off the lid, release the feelings and turn off the gas.
In this context the 1- 10 scale you refer to is in effect how long since the cauldron last blew it's top.
That's the essence of my post.
Perhaps this helps further to let you understand the way I was thinking.
I would differ with you as regards the 2-3 months of consistent effort point. When someone works with a trustable and competent therapist they can help someones unconsious mind to identify where it chose to give you anxiety, and that's where changework can occur.
It only takes a long time if the person who has the symptom called anxiety keeps letting their conscious mind 'put the boot in' and not let the understandings flow.
I understand that from your perspective this probably sounds like bull or psychobable, but it isn't
regards
Brian
I have to say, you know nothing about anxiety, when you said - It doesnt take 2-3 months. One sitting with a therapist, it sucks, believe me, another person can not help you. You find out what is wrong yourself and put in a lot of effort to make progress and keep putting effort to keep it.
asdf
You make me realize that I should not talk about my anxiety to my family members, they may not understand and might think, I am weak, when I actually am very strong. Because, in their prespective, if you find the problem, its solved. I infact have faced exact similar arguments for close members of family and I just stopped telling them in detail. These days I only tell them whether I am doing ok or not, but try to minimize the times when I say I am not, or not say it in great detail, because some people cant understand.
Are you marketing here??? Are you trying to get clients to some stupid therapy that you think you can solve problem of people with???
asdf
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