Worried about my fears & scared of my worries

[crystal17]

Hi, I posted last night on the health anxiety forum, but I realise no one there can give me answers. Waiting to see the doctor this afternoon but I'm terrified. Sorry if this post doesn't belong here, I guess it will disappear if so.

I'm worried about this swelling above my belly button, I had the same thing a few months ago and was told it was an abscess and had antibiotics for it. Most people, who aren't like me, would think nothing of it and just see their GP and assume its probably just come back. But my mind has been RACING since yesterday, because of the anxiety I suffer from and I'm thinking:

- It was never an abscess originally
- It is pancreatic cancer
- It's stomach cancer
- It's some kind of other tumour
- It's an aortic anerysm
- My whole body is infected with something
- It's cervical cancer that has spread
- I've got to have major surgery as soon as I leave the doctors this afternoon
- They will send me for lots of tests immediately
- Won't even be able to say goodbye to my son
- I'll be given a biopsy
- They'll sit me down and tell me how long I have
- Or the aneurysm will bust on the way there and it will be instant
- I don't want to die, I need to be here for my son, how would I tell him?


If I phoned my parents/sister/one of the few friends I have, and told them any of this they would laugh and say what a drama queen I am, or say that I need to stop being so self centred and over the top. And then they'd forget about my worries and wouldn't give a crap to be honest :weep:

I'm crying right now and worried SO much about what this swelling could be, I should not have googled 'abdominal mass' as that has lead to some of the things I wrote above. Please can anyone just tell me they've 'heard' me and dont judge me, as I know people are fed up with me in my life and really dont want to be there for me. And all I need is someone to just listen and understand my fears, however ridiculous they sound.

Thanks to anyone who has read this :bighug1:

[crystal17]

Sorry to bump this, I just feel disappointed no one replied, I know that is pathetic and sad but I didnt even ask for advice, just someone who could say they were 'there' in some way. Like I said, I can talk to family/friends about the facts but as soon as I bring my emotions into it they switch off, laugh or just tell me not to be so silly.

Sorry :( Just feel very alone and woke up early this morning panicking

[Rennie1989]

Did you speak to your doctor the other day?

Sorry, I never saw the post.

[crystal17]

Oh its ok, I shouldn't just 'expect' a reply from anyone anyway, just a bit down this morning.

Yes I went yesterday afternoon, she said it probably is the same abscess I had a few months ago that has come back and put me on antibiotics for a week which are making me feel weird :/

I'm worried it isn't an abscess at all though, she seemed very rushed yesterday and like she wanted me out of the surgery fast. I just told her I thought it had come back and she looked at it for 30 seconds, quickly felt it and then agreed. She said I need to have an ultrasound if it doesnt go away which then scared me more! All I feel is fear and worry :wacko:

Thank you so much for replying :bighug1:

[Rennie1989]

Give the antibiotics another week (make sure to complete the course fully) and go from there. If the doctor does not seem too worried then I shouldn't be either. I bet in a few weeks or so it will be all forgotten.

[Ruby13]

The antibiotics need time to work, if you need more, go back to your GP. In the meantime, here is a hug ((( hug)))

[crystal17]

Thank you both loads :hugs:

Neither she, nor the first Dr who diagnosed it originally seemed concerned one bit, and they didnt ask if I had any other symptoms at all - the problem is, any Dr I see knows pretty quickly that I have anxiety, one because its in my notes on screen, and also as its fairly obvious from my manner talking to them! So I worry that they are 'playing it cool' so as not to panic me more, when underneath they are thinking all sorts of horrible things it might be.

Probably over thinking but...that is what I do :scared15:

I appreciate the hug!

[Fishmanpa]

So I worry that they are 'playing it cool' so as not to panic me more, when underneath they are thinking all sorts of horrible things it might be.

Not in the least. In fact, they see what the issue is, know that you have anxiety and treat the issue. It's as simple as that. If it were more than that, they would address it. Do you really think they would not send you for tests if they thought something was seriously wrong just to "play it cool" and risk upsetting you? That's completely against the oath they take as doctors.

Perhaps you should speak to them about getting a referral for treatment for you anxiety?

Positive thoughts

[crystal17]

Thanks Fish, you're right of course, this is me being paranoid and second guessing the doctors actions. I'm having counselling already and being assessed by my local mental health team soon, also on anti depressants and beta blockers.

I guess its because since the abscess was first diagnosed, everyone I've told has seemed surprised and said things like "That's odd, never heard of that", "How on earth did you get that?" and "Doesn't sound right" etc, which I think has got me worried.
I've never heard of an abscess under the skin above the navel to be honest.

Oh well, will see what this week brings.

[Fishmanpa]

It could be something as simple as a pimple, ingrown hair or cyst that got infected. That's not unusual and people get them all over their bodies. I have one in an unusual place that required antibiotics a couple of times and I've had it for 8 years. Every once in a while (1-2X a year) it gets angry and I have to treat it. No biggie.

Positive thoughts

[crystal17]

I don't think it can be a pimple or hair as its above my navel and no hair there - well only a couple of very fine ones, it is about the size of a small plum from what I can feel and my mind tonight is going crazy, ive had a panic attack, about 20 mins ago and had to go outside...feeling erratic and got rushing thoughts. Its reassuring to hear you have a similar thing, not nice for you though as I know they are painful.

I feel like its a growth that is taking over my internal organs like weeds take over a garden, that the roots are wrapping around everything...I wish I had someone to talk to as can't get my thoughts in order and a bit breathless from the panic :weep:

[crystal17]

Sorry to bump this but it seemed better than me starting a new thread about the same topic.

I'm still no better :( just coming to the end of a 2 week course of antibiotics and the 'abscess' is still there and going strong! The Dr I saw most recently about it who prescribed these tablets seemed convinced that it is an abscess, but if so then surely 2 weeks of antibiotics would help a bit...shes also referred me for a scan, but could take a month to get that through.

I feel my body is rotting inside, I am planning in my head for how to deal with bad news at the scan appointment and other arrangements that I'm too scared to write down. The only times I feel 'safe' is when I take my painkillers as they help to numb me, and when cleaning as it makes me feel in control of life and this scary world.