MidnightCalm
25-07-14, 18:24
I seem to have just developed a negative, pessimistic outlook on life. I'm constantly worried about something, and then when there isn't very much to worry about or things are out of my control I find other things to worry about that don't necessarily need worry.
The past 2 months I've been extremely worried about my benefit (ESA) because I got a letter saying they were going to do an interview with me because concerns had been raised. I contacted them and eventually found out they think I have a savings account with over £7000 in. I don't. I can barely make my rent and bills every month, I wish I had £7000, but apparently inland revenue notified them of this (whatever that is). So I've spent the last month and half waiting for this interview and worrying if they are going to try and twist my words or make me feel like I've done something wrong. Anyway, in the end I had to sign a statement that says I have no idea about the account and now they're going to investigate it further I presume, which to me is worrying in itself. Even though I know I do not have the account I still don't like being investigated or feeling like I've done something wrong.
Now that I know I have to just leave them to it and get on with my life I can't because if I haven't done anything wrong I need not worry I am still worrying about other things.
What if I can't pay my bills at the end of the month? What if they take my benefit away from me because I'm trying to go out and do things every so often (I get my benefit for agoraphobia, depression, panic attacks).
Why is my flat so small, why do I not have friends, why do people find it easy to just leave me knowing I have this illness, why are my bills increasing even though I'm not doing anything different, what if I can't go out ever again, what if my money runs out and I can't get shopping, should I quit smoking, should I keep smoking, should I even try to go out if it could mean my money stops.
I just seem to keep obsessing about one thing to the next and I just want to relax! I just want to be able to watch the tv and actually be involved in watching the tv and not just simple glaring at it whilst thinking about 1000 other things.
I just can't seem to distract myself!
I thought a nice walk around the block would help clear my mind, the weather is lovely and the flowers are all out and BAM, panic attack up the road and I'm gasping for air and literally sprinting back to my house wondering if I'm going to make it.
I don't want to have a brain if my brain cannot simply shut up about all these things. I used to be so care free and now I am the most miserable boring person because I am that person who "always has something wrong with them" and "always has something to complain about".
The past 2 months I've been extremely worried about my benefit (ESA) because I got a letter saying they were going to do an interview with me because concerns had been raised. I contacted them and eventually found out they think I have a savings account with over £7000 in. I don't. I can barely make my rent and bills every month, I wish I had £7000, but apparently inland revenue notified them of this (whatever that is). So I've spent the last month and half waiting for this interview and worrying if they are going to try and twist my words or make me feel like I've done something wrong. Anyway, in the end I had to sign a statement that says I have no idea about the account and now they're going to investigate it further I presume, which to me is worrying in itself. Even though I know I do not have the account I still don't like being investigated or feeling like I've done something wrong.
Now that I know I have to just leave them to it and get on with my life I can't because if I haven't done anything wrong I need not worry I am still worrying about other things.
What if I can't pay my bills at the end of the month? What if they take my benefit away from me because I'm trying to go out and do things every so often (I get my benefit for agoraphobia, depression, panic attacks).
Why is my flat so small, why do I not have friends, why do people find it easy to just leave me knowing I have this illness, why are my bills increasing even though I'm not doing anything different, what if I can't go out ever again, what if my money runs out and I can't get shopping, should I quit smoking, should I keep smoking, should I even try to go out if it could mean my money stops.
I just seem to keep obsessing about one thing to the next and I just want to relax! I just want to be able to watch the tv and actually be involved in watching the tv and not just simple glaring at it whilst thinking about 1000 other things.
I just can't seem to distract myself!
I thought a nice walk around the block would help clear my mind, the weather is lovely and the flowers are all out and BAM, panic attack up the road and I'm gasping for air and literally sprinting back to my house wondering if I'm going to make it.
I don't want to have a brain if my brain cannot simply shut up about all these things. I used to be so care free and now I am the most miserable boring person because I am that person who "always has something wrong with them" and "always has something to complain about".