Googling symptoms of cancer

[claireypoo]

I have tried really hard to stop googling and failed twice over the last few days. It's like I'm addicted to it. The relief of thinking 'no, I don' t have that, thank goodness' is like a drug. Also, worryingly, the rush of fear I feel when I think I do have a serious disease seems addictive too. Even though it is horrible. Anyone else feel this?

Also, even though I've cut down the googling I am still able to remember all the scary symptoms from all the previous googling. I know the red flags and common symptoms to many thousands of scary diseases. I can stop googling, but I can't stop myself remembering! :( I wish I'd never Googled!

Claire x

[crystal17]

Oh my gosh that sounds very familiar! Its like a form of mental torture isnt it? But you're right it is addictive. I'm thinking its to do with the adrenaline released while reading all these scary things - it almost makes us feel 'alive' which actually makes sense seeing as we are ultimately frightened of the opposite.

I can't not say too much, but my health anxiety was very severe a couple of years ago and then something happened which seemed to completely distract me - in fact for that period I didnt google anything, didnt even worry about my health at all. I felt truly alive and living, and there was lots of adrenaline flowing.

Now I am back to how I was before. What I'm saying is I do relate to the addictive feeling and I can see that in my case I was searching for that feeling and when it came from another source, that was enough.

Hope that all makes sense!

[claireypoo]

I had the same thing, my health anxiety went away when a new relationship distracted me and I felt, well, normal, for a while. Bit by bit the health anxiety has returned. It crept up on me, before I realised it I was back at the GP or A&E or crying at WebMD on my phone in the bath. It really is like an addiction for me, but I don't know how to forget what I have learned. I am like a walking encyclopaedia of symptoms. X

---------- Post added at 19:12 ---------- Previous post was at 17:30 ----------

It is so bad I am known as the family health 'expert'. People ask me to diagnose THEM! :( Not good.

[luc]

To both ladies, did your HA creep back in and were you conscious of this happening. I am doing really well at the moment but am more than aware that I cannot let my guard down!

Lucia x

---------- Post added at 21:31 ---------- Previous post was at 21:29 ----------

You have already answered my question Claire:doh:

[Fishmanpa]

There are parental guidance tools available free online for all internet browsers. You can effectively block sites that contain specific content and/or key words.

Google is awesome IMO. I can find out old someone is or look up a great recipe to find out the value of a vintage piece of musical equipment is worth so I know how to price it on Ebay. It also is a curse for HA sufferers. Do you have the will power to take the steps necessary to prevent you from getting on the sites that feed your anxiety?

Positive thoughts

[luc]

Really interesting thought Crystal. I also give the question of what does our subconscious mind get from this level of anxiety. Then I also wonder why our subconscious mind tries to torment us , what it gets out of it and more worryingly why/it tries to sabotage our happiness!

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I also would love to 'unknow' half of the things I have read over the years but I cannot. I can now however realise that about 70% of it is pure b@ll@x

[crystal17]

Hey Luc, its fascinating really isn't it, what our subconscious minds are capable of! I don't know for sure where this kind of anxiety stems from, I imagine it is different for everyone but all I know is that when something else in my life makes me feel 'alive' enough, it goes away. I feel like a normal person for a brief period, I feel like everyone else must feel. When those times go away, I'm left with this nothingness and I don't consciously want to fill it with worrying about my impending death, but that's what seems to happen!

I want to get to the root of why that is!

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To both ladies, did your HA creep back in and were you conscious of this happening. I am doing really well at the moment but am more than aware that I cannot let my guard down!

Lucia x

---------- Post added at 21:31 ---------- Previous post was at 21:29 ----------

You have already answered my question Claire:doh:

Hi Lucia, yes when mine goes away it is usually gradual until one day I see an article or something about a health issue and I don't feel terrified. And I feel HAPPY, and safe. But this is rare and fleeting, then I notice it coming back, but I probably feed it by seeking out information and spending time 'checking' my body for symptoms. I could probably take more responsibility to stop it, but I don't, which leads me to question what I get out of it.

Sometimes something triggers it, but I have to be in one of my 'less alive' periods for it to affect me.

I hope you manage to beat this, sounds like you are doing really well so far :hugs:

[luc]

I so want to get at the root of it. I do not even know if that is part of The HA mind, that is the need for definitive answers. There is the idea that you subconsciously sabotage your happiness due to low self worth but I do not fit this type, at leas I think I don't. At the minut for the first time in 10 years I feel like 'how everyone else must feel' and it is great. I have been on four holidays in the last four months and I can't describe what a different experience they have been.

[crystal17]

You know, I truly believe that holidays can be life and soul defining. They can completely change your outlook on life, simply by being somewhere different and doing something that breaks your normal routine.

Its great to hear you feel good at the mo :)

[luc]

The question of 'what do I get out of it' is what I am really trying to answer. Do you have a theory regarding your situation Crystal?

[claireypoo]

Luc, Crystal - I need a holiday! Impossible to get away, unfortunately. It would probably really help.


FMP, thanks and any advice?

I have tried to stop access to certain Web sites, unsuccessfully, but they aren't my trouble as much as Google and Adwords. Based on previous searches I get Web site ads constantly asking me questions like TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HAVE A SILENT CANCER! and WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HEALTH etc. I have turned off the adwords using Google but it has not stopped them. Also I do need certain websites to be available still as I have to research my daughter's meds quite often, also I order her meds online and arrange appointments, email her consultants etc so I would have to be very careful her web sites weren't blocked. Honestly, if adwords would properly disappear, that would be a good start though! X

---------- Post added at 22:56 ---------- Previous post was at 22:53 ----------

I think I am addicted to the 'rush'? I live on my nerves anyway looking after my daughter who has high medical need. I find I Google when she is in respite. It's like I am used to a certain level of fear and when she isn't here I try to continue that? Just a theory. Honestly I don't know why I am doing this to myself, if that IS what I am doing. It is making me genuinely ill. :(

[luc]

Interesting theory Claire and so plausible.

[crystal17]

AdBlock will help with those adverts, I know they are distressing. I guess because you have to know about medical things due to your daughter, that gives you reason to read about things like that, and once you start its very difficult not to keep going! I've been there x

[luc]

In the past I would subconsciously start feeding the dragon directly before I was meant to be happy. It wasn't an accident that just before a holiday, Christmas etc I would find something!

[crystal17]

That's interesting. I think being self aware helps with anxiety, it helps give us some control back as we can see the reasoning behind our unhelpful behaviours!

[claireypoo]

Crystal, I turned off Adblock (It shows as 'off') but it hasn' t changed, I still get the ads. Really difficult. You'd think the last thing I'd want to do was hang around hospitals or research health when I have to do that 6 days a week! Yet, I can't seem to stop. The amount of times I have been bawling my eyes out in A&E on respite nights is unreal. I think you are right re holidays x

Luc, Really interesting - Oh I do that too! Xmas eve is a nightmare for me! Am I so messed up I am scared to be happy? :/ I wonder sometimes if I am in control at all. So much seems automatic, like the intrusive thoughts. X

[Fishmanpa]

One of the reasons ads pop up due to cookies. Disable them and clear your cache, history (from the beginning) and all saved bookmarks. I'm willing to bet you have a few med sites as favorites right? ;)

Positive thoughts

[claireypoo]

Thanks FishManPa! I'll try that and see if it helps. :)